Workplace Bully

[Johnno]

And here you say that talking to her is the only option. Is it?

No, it isn't. I can try to remain objective and disassociate myself from my emotional reactions.

Well, please note that I never mentioned 'disassociating' from your emotional reactions. That's really not the point at all, TC. The point is to remember yourself - to See what is going on and why you are reacting the way you are reacting - it may be completely understandable to react the way you are reacting internally - the point is to Know why and to not let your horse run away with your carriage - to remember yourself.

None of what you've read about these things is theoretical! Times such as these allow you to put them into practice to benefit yourself. It's important to not confuse that with disassociating from your emotions - that's not the point. I hope that clarifies a bit.

And T.C. you've actually done this without realising it when you describe. So perhaps work on making this a bit more conscious.

I started walking towards her to say, "can I talk to you for a minute" and as soon as I made the first step, I turned back around and returned to where I was working. I wanted to say something because she really hurt me, but I got a feeling in my stomach and solar plexus that felt like being gut punched while on a rollercoaster. The last time I felt like that was when I was being bullied at another job by a foreman who was a good candidate for a psychopath.

I had a similar experience last week with a bureaucratic petty tyrant type (these ones really get me going!) making some illogical, irrelevant and incorrect rules which really made the horse want to react. That night I couldn't sleep over something quite trivial, I remember saying to myself, "The horse doesn't like this at all.", as my insides were churning away. At the same time, the mind was coming up with also sorts of scenarios to try or to win in some sort of grand battle on a really, really microcosmic scale. After awhile the feelings and thoughts settled down.

It was VERY interesting to observe.

Anger can be useful in some instances but it wasn't in my case.

Petty tyrants/bullies are an excellent resource for Work. Even the Buddhists observe this in "The eight verses of transforming the mind"

When I see beings of an unpleasant character
Oppressed by strong negativity and suffering
May I hold them dear-for they are rare to find
I have discovered a jewel treasure!

 

[Turgon]

This situation is strikingly familiar to a situation I am (was) having at my workplace. Although the subject matter was a little different than yours, the process or situation is almost the same in nature.

I was in a sense being bullied, or at least having my feelings hurt to the point that it was becoming an all consuming situation for me. "How do I react to this" "What can I do to change it". Often times i would get that a sensation in my chest or solar plexus, almost a knee-jerk reaction to being hit, or, I realized, my reaction to being hit. I did not like how they were acting towards me, it seemed unjustified and mean-spirited.

You write:

At first, because I can put myself in her shoes and understand why she's so hypersensitive, it didn't bother me at all. But it's starting to hurt me now. Today, I asked her a question about a product we sell, and she used it as an excuse to humiliate me. I started to think that enough is enough and I should tell her how I feel. I wanted to take her to one side and say, "I don't know what you've got against me or what I've done, but the way you speak to me lately makes me feel like -shite-. There's no need to speak to me like this."

I started walking towards her to say, "can I talk to you for a minute" and as soon as I made the first step, I turned back around and returned to where I was working. I wanted to say something because she really hurt me, but I got a feeling in my stomach and solar plexus that felt like being gut punched while on a rollercoaster. The last time I felt like that was when I was being bullied at another job by a foreman who was a good candidate for a psychopath.

I also wanted to take these people to the side, individually, and get to the bottom of why they were acting like this, although what was bothering me the most was how I was reacting to it. It was becoming all-consuming and dominating my thoughts. However, anart and other senior members on the forum have mentioned this before in previous threads, if we are the ones doing the Work, then we are the ones who need to act responsible and see the situation fully for what it is, and not narrow our thinking or close down possibilities in any given situation.

The issue though, is, how does a person open up possibilities, create new probabilities or dynamics of interactions? After taking a long walk last night and thinking about the why's and the how's of the situation, and completely disregarding my conclusions several times over, the best reasoning I could come up with was Identification.

I am, and it seems so are you, identifying too much with the situation or emotions at work.

This is a nearly constant, universal feature of man's psyche. Identification takes place when some external item catches one's attention and one forgets all else. Identification is the mechanism which makes man a machine reacting to any environmental stimulus that may match his arbitrary fancy...One can be identified with anything: A thought, an emotion, one's vacation plans, any social activity, the more emotionally involving, the greater the likelihood and extent of identification and self-forgetting will be.

So, as far as I can tell, the best course of action to take is practicing non-identification in consuming situations like these. Attempting to find a way through the situation, remembering yourself, and being aware of new possibilities. Knowing that we cant help but be swayed by external forces, but at least choosing which external forces will sway us. Maybe my explanation is a bit vague, but I still don't understand it completely, just that I needed to practice this.

I am writing this because i practiced this today, and odd enough, like clockwork, I got along great with the said people I was talking about. We laughed and joked with each other, and whatever little comments they directed towards me did not have nearly the same affect. In fact the less swayed I was, the more open they were. One of them even helped me out today when she didnt have to.

Well, please note that I never mentioned 'disassociating' from your emotional reactions. That's really not the point at all, TC. The point is to remember yourself - to See what is going on and why you are reacting the way you are reacting - it may be completely understandable to react the way you are reacting internally - the point is to Know why and to not let your horse run away with your carriage - to remember yourself.

None of what you've read about these things is theoretical! Times such as these allow you to put them into practice to benefit yourself. It's important to not confuse that with disassociating from your emotions - that's not the point. I hope that clarifies a bit.

Also, I forgot one of the most important parts. The part that I was thinking when I got up this morning to allow me to remember to practice this: "The Battle is Now", not later, or when I'm at work, or anythng like that, but right now, this very moment, along with every other moment that passes. Laura talks about this in the Wave and Adventure series, im paraphrasing, but it makes so much sense! The C's said the Battle is not for us but through us. So everytime we fall back to sleep, or identify, or choose to dissociate, etc, we lose a battle, we fall one step further down the staircase and further propogate STS mode of thinking.

 

[ana]

At first, because I can put myself in her shoes and understand why she's so hypersensitive, it didn't bother me at all. But it's starting to hurt me now. Today, I asked her a question about a product we sell, and she used it as an excuse to humiliate me.


Should I say something the next time she acts this way with me, or just use the next two months to observe myself and try to keep my cool.

Or both?

Hi T.C

Maybe knowing How is that She has achieved to hurt and humiliate to you, can help to understand better.

 

[Gimpy]

I also wanted to take these people to the side, individually, and get to the bottom of why they were acting like this, although what was bothering me the most was how I was reacting to it. It was becoming all-consuming and dominating my thoughts. However, anart and other senior members on the forum have mentioned this before in previous threads, if we are the ones doing the Work, then we are the ones who need to act responsible and see the situation fully for what it is, and not narrow our thinking or close down possibilities in any given situation.

The issue though, is, how does a person open up possibilities, create new probabilities or dynamics of interactions? After taking a long walk last night and thinking about the why's and the how's of the situation, and completely disregarding my conclusions several times over, the best reasoning I could come up with was Identification.

I am, and it seems so are you, identifying too much with the situation or emotions at work.

Quote
This is a nearly constant, universal feature of man's psyche. Identification takes place when some external item catches one's attention and one forgets all else. Identification is the mechanism which makes man a machine reacting to any environmental stimulus that may match his arbitrary fancy...One can be identified with anything: A thought, an emotion, one's vacation plans, any social activity, the more emotionally involving, the greater the likelihood and extent of identification and self-forgetting will be.

So, as far as I can tell, the best course of action to take is practicing non-identification in consuming situations like these. Attempting to find a way through the situation, remembering yourself, and being aware of new possibilities. Knowing that we cant help but be swayed by external forces, but at least choosing which external forces will sway us. Maybe my explanation is a bit vague, but I still don't understand it completely, just that I needed to practice this.

I am writing this because i practiced this today, and odd enough, like clockwork, I got along great with the said people I was talking about. We laughed and joked with each other, and whatever little comments they directed towards me did not have nearly the same affect. In fact the less swayed I was, the more open they were. One of them even helped me out today when she didnt have to.

Quote
Well, please note that I never mentioned 'disassociating' from your emotional reactions. That's really not the point at all, TC. The point is to remember yourself - to See what is going on and why you are reacting the way you are reacting - it may be completely understandable to react the way you are reacting internally - the point is to Know why and to not let your horse run away with your carriage - to remember yourself.

None of what you've read about these things is theoretical! Times such as these allow you to put them into practice to benefit yourself. It's important to not confuse that with disassociating from your emotions - that's not the point. I hope that clarifies a bit.

Also, I forgot one of the most important parts. The part that I was thinking when I got up this morning to allow me to remember to practice this: "The Battle is Now", not later, or when I'm at work, or anythng like that, but right now, this very moment, along with every other moment that passes. Laura talks about this in the Wave and Adventure series, im paraphrasing, but it makes so much sense! The C's said the Battle is not for us but through us. So everytime we fall back to sleep, or identify, or choose to dissociate, etc, we lose a battle, we fall one step further down the staircase and further propogate STS mode of thinking.

Daniel and anart make some good points here. Identifying emotionally with what's going on around you can trip your programs hard, and its what you do when that happens that sets the course at that moment. Immediacy is important when self remembering, otherwise the fall into identification snacks into place, because its a mechanical phenomena. Self remembering assists in getting a conscious handle on that, but you don't come to it by planning for it.

What do I mean by that? Society programs people to plan their days from dawn to dusk. We set aside blocks of time to work, shop, etc. It sets us up nicely to become more mechanical in our behavior, set in habits and not in thinking things through.

Personally, without a daily plan I feel lost. Yet the more I plan, the worse I forget things! It can be a real viscous/vicious circle.

Thank you Daniel for the moniker "The Battle is Now", and to Laura and C's for it too. It helps in remaining present to Work, and while this is Basic in doing the Work, refreshers in the Basics do make a difference when mistakes throw us off.

 

[RedFox]

Hi T.C.

I had a similar situation at my place of work years ago...infact it was about two years before I found SOTT/the Work.
For me I was well practiced at being (identifying completely with) a victim. I had been unemployed and this was an unpaid job to gain a qualification.
I was making mistakes, tired, and feeling overwhelmed. Over the course of the first month or so she would periodically snatch work off my desk in a most hostile manner that I hadn't managed to complete yet......which left me feeling more like a victim/useless.
She would also say the odd thing that was extremal cutting (due to the force behind her words).

I already had a vague grasp of 'feeding' dynamics then....and eventually realised that there was a link between how bad I felt and how much she 'attacked' me, how much pain she 'caused' me.

So whenever I started feeling like a victim, I told myself that I was not....I did my best given my limited knowledge at the time not to identify with being a victim. And you know what? She stopped 'attacking' me completely. This was quite an eye opener and I have used this long before finding the work as a way to identify an area of myself that needs working on.

I strongly disagree with that...from my experience I have noticed that bullies usually stop bullying when you stand up for yourself, if you ignore the bullying it will still continue, they still feed on your silence and you not talking. I think the difference lies in your approach. It depends on how you talk,act etc.

I really think that doing both, would be more beneficial as a lesson. Observing and being assertive, but it's important to do this on a gentle tone, instead of letting your anger do the talking.

The way I understand it is that there can be no feeding dynamic if there is nothing to feed off....
Things that can be fed off are generally hidden from our awareness, either completely or in plane sight (i.e. identifying with it)....once they are brought into awareness and owned/processed they loose power inside you, at which point they are no longer a source of 'food' for others...
As Jung put it, the shadow self. It is the projection of unknown parts of the self onto others that cause these dynamics to occur.
So any time I am 'made' to feel something or to react strongly, I've used it ever since as a guide, as a mirror to hidden myself.
It takes two to feed.....

I have always considered what you've said in your post. But today, for some reason, I thought I needed to draw the line. I have been keeping my cool with her attitude towards me for a long time. I could always say to myself, "it's not you she's angry at. It's not anything you've done, she's playing out past traumas. You understand her and don't need to take it personally."

I detect (perhaps mistakenly) a hint of resentment in that statement.....

No, it isn't. I can try to remain objective and disassociate myself from my emotional reactions.

Disassociating is not self observing.....
Could it be then that 'I have been keeping my cool with her attitude towards me for a long time.' should read 'I have been ignoring her attitude towards me for a long time.'
This is important because it is basically avoiding the dynamic of the situation (both internally and externally) rather than objectively observing it and yourself.

If she prods your emotions, let them be! It is fantastic to have someone do so because it is an opportunity to find out something you where not aware of about yourself. It is the uncovering of old wounds and scars that need to be healed.
Once healed (explored/expressed/integrated), she will not prod you there any more, because there is no longer anything in you to prod.

Use emotional prods as a way to self remember. Or if you cannot, use her saying anything to you as a way to self remember.

 

[Lirpa]

IMHO and past experience should not ever conciliate with a bully. _www.bullyonline.org is a wonderful resource on how to deal with a workplace bully.

 

[T.C.]

Something has come up which I'd like to network to see if it makes sense.

The other day, when all this happened, it was the first time I'd recognised or labelled her as a bully. Until then, I'd thought about each of her traits individually, and I think that's why I've never reacted like this before. But the other day, she touched a nerve, which then made me group her overall character as a bully.

I was bullied at school. I was always overweight, and there was a two year period starting from around age seven, where I started and left five different schools because we moved house a few times, so I was always the 'new kid'. Then I was bullied in middle school by a group of boys who were supposed to be my friends. Then I was bullied in my first job by my foreman. I remember it happening in each of the periods, but have only just thought about how much it has gone on through my whole life.

The other day, I felt the way I felt in those times. It was like she had represented all those other people.

So I think my reaction is indicative of what RedFox said:

If she prods your emotions, let them be! It is fantastic to have someone do so because it is an opportunity to find out something you where not aware of about yourself. It is the uncovering of old wounds and scars that need to be healed.

Because of this situation and the help you've all given, I am beginning to sense there's a huge amount of repressed emotions in me linked to being bullied.

The website that April has given is a wealth of information on the subject and I'm going to read a lot more of it as time permits. I'd recommend anyone else who's been bullied in their lives to have a look at it. And also, when it talks about types of bullying and the effects it has on people, I'm beginning to see the pathocracy/control system as the ultimate bully.

 

[Breton]

...
but have only just thought about how much it has gone on through my whole life.
...
Because of this situation and the help you've all given, I am beginning to sense there's a huge amount of repressed emotions in me linked to being bullied.

Sorry I don't have time to say much more on this right now, but I certainly am "with you" in this, T.C and want to offer words of encouragement.

All there is is lessons: and it appears to me one of your life's lessons may have something to do with bullying, and victim-hood and those sorts of things. And until you learn what it is you are supposed to learn, you will keep encountering bullies. That is what happens, or so it seems, in this One Big School!

When doing the Work, a person really is a warrior, rising to the challenge set before him/her. Therefore you are where you are supposed to be. The people around you are the ones appropriate for your lessons. (And maybe you are appropriate for theirs?)

For what its worth,
_Breton_

 

[gotogo]

Hello T.C.,

May be you can get some hints from "The Myth of Sanity" where Dr. Stout mentions about "victim identification"?

On p213, she wrote:
"Unfortunately, forever holding on to an identity as victim bodes ill for the person's recovery from the very trauma."

I sensed a kind of warning sign from your last post. I may be wrong.

 

[T.C.]

I sensed a kind of warning sign from your last post. I may be wrong.

I don't think you're wrong, I can see warning signs in it too. And it's important to be aware of falling into that trap, so thanks.

Instead of looking at it as, "I'm a victim", I'm just more angry about what's happened in the past. I know I found it hard to deal with being bullied; I felt like there was nothing I could do about the situations, so I must have buried a lot of pain which I now want to release.

 

[Gimpy]

I sensed a kind of warning sign from your last post. I may be wrong.

I don't think you're wrong, I can see warning signs in it too. And it's important to be aware of falling into that trap, so thanks.

Instead of looking at it as, "I'm a victim", I'm just more angry about what's happened in the past. I know I found it hard to deal with being bullied; I felt like there was nothing I could do about the situations, so I must have buried a lot of pain which I now want to release.

Exercise is good for releasing anger. :) Hitting a mattress with a badmitten racket worked for me back in the day. I think I bent several into weird angles that way. ;D (It was an exercise recommended to me by the shrink I was seeing then, it worked really well.)

Better yet would be the breathing exercises, exercise would give the anger a positive direction once its up and out.