The forgiveness lesson

[Trobar]

I have been seriously ill for the last two years. I know that the root cause of my illness is the fact that I am
"stuck" in what we perceive to be the past. My history includes incest as a child, fanatical abusive cult members for parents and marriage to an abusive sociopath. I have thus far not succeeded in forgiving these people and I am certain this is the major obstacle that hinders my recovery. Learning to forgive is a profoundly challenging and valuable lesson for me.

I do not wish to revisit the sordid details of my past experiences. This is very painful and I have already addressed this in therapy with a psychologist.
I am posting because perhaps some of you that read this post have struggled with this lesson. Intellectually . . . I am able to understand that STS will always include those that abuse others. Emotionally . . . I still feel so much anger that I have failed to forgive them. I do want to forgive and I want to forgive while I am still here.

I would value and appreciate your input on this subject.

 

[Pecha]

Why does one forgive and to whom does it serve and how? The act of forgiveness is an act of acknowledgment on the side of the hurt party to come to terms with the grievance. How does one come to terms with the grievance? This may not be your case, but if the abuser shows no signs of working on him or herself to learn the lesson of why he/she abused the other, then that must be acknowledged before coming to terms with the grievance. If one forgives an abuser who doesn't want to change, then forgiving them further reinforces their bubble of control over the forgiver and sends an energetic signal to them to continue doing what they do because "everything is alright".

But what one can readily forgive is oneself—to understand the horror that one went through still has a meaning and lesson to it. Like a feint lantern in a sea of darkness, the warmth is still there for eyes that can see it.

 

[Trobar]

Hello peach, I value that you shared your perspective with me. Thank you. The people I have not been able to forgive never wanted to change. Only one is still alive and this person is the same. My thoughts on this matter have never changed. I think that when I say to an abusive person "I forgive you", they think "I got away with it and will do it again". I did learn from the horror that I experienced. It has provided me with an understanding and a profound compassion and empathy for others that have suffered abuse. This is a blessing as I have been able to help others with this type of history. I do not understand why I should forgive myself. Forgive myself for what?

 

[Debra]

Oh, my Goodness. I deeply admire your strength and fortitude, for sharing this with us.
I will do my best to share with you, and the Forum, what I have learned so far, as I have battled this "Forgiveness" Dragon as well.

I would value and appreciate your input on this subject.

I have a few strategies that you may not have tried yet.

The healing technique that I use, was created for people like us, those of us that have been involved in the harshest "lessons", the lessons that were administered by the ones that we depended on.
Lessons that the "Authoritarians" in our lives enforced on us, harshly.
Rather than administer "help" when we needed it, gave us abuse of the Darkest type.
I'll do my best here for you.
When the first glimmer of True Feeling and True Clarity broke through the dark veil that was around ME for so many of my years of life, I vowed to share it all.

Due to "Mainstream Rules" I gotta post this:
"What I am posting is Research for Entertainment Purposes Only.
I have no authority nor license to give any medical, psychological, or life skills advice, I just have information to share, for entertainment purposes only."

I have been seriously ill for the last two years.

I am so sorry that whatever you are healing and dealing with is taking so long.
Two years.
I would have to know at least what the "illness" is, or at least what organ or system is affected, being repaired, in order to offer any of the info I have.
May I ask, where/what is your "illness"?

I know that the root cause of my illness is the fact that I am
"stuck" in what we perceive to be the past.

This is a VERY important statement, and I concur completely.

I have thus far not succeeded in forgiving these people and I am certain

This Trick, this emotional manipulation of "forgiveness" has been thrown at us, and woven into "New Age" teachings, and is a "Red Herring", in my opinion.
"One must Forgive" is pushed on us, and meant to keep us stuck in the type of loop that you have described so eloquently.

Learning to forgive is a profoundly challenging and valuable lesson for me.

I have learned to replace "forgive" with the word "release".

This is very painful and I have already addressed this in therapy with a psychologist.

Having someone "Hear" and validate your experiences, can be, and is very purging, IF they aren't trying to drug you, or experiment on you, or sitting there "feeding off" of your anguish.

But, once you have given Voice to Your History, spoken the words, out loud, the complete list of your Life of Pain, what then?

For what it's worth, I too sought out several "Professionals" as I was searching for relief and hoping for answers.
I guess what I am saying, is, I HAVE been there, and done that.
I understand.

Emotionally . . . I still feel so much anger that I have failed to forgive them. I do want to forgive and I want to forgive while I am still here.

It is all going to be Ok.
Look how far you have come!
With all those moments of your emotional energy, "stuck" in all those alternate timelines, waiting for YOU right here, right NOW, to ask for help.
I am here, too.
You are NOT alone.

 

[Maat]

I do not understand why I should forgive myself. Forgive myself for what?

Yes, you should forgive yourself, cause most of the people who lived that situation says that some part of them feels guilty. Guilty to have not seen, guilty to have not been able to prevent to fall in this, etc. You experienced the contrary of love, so give love back to yourself. unless your path is to be the one that must be sacrificed and negated. I'm not in your shoes, so I can tell...

Before giving love to them, give it to you ! Charity begins at home.

 

[Trobar]

Hello Debra, I had to wait to stop crying to be able to think with clarity and respond to your reply. Thank you. The tears were happy tears because it helped to remember that I am not alone.

Illness? It all began two years ago with hypertension, then hashimotos thyroiditis, then rheumatoid arthritis, then kidney failure, then Lupus. I'm somewhat of a warrior and it takes a lot to bring me down. Not bragging here. I had to be a warrior in order to survive all of these ongoing challenges and lessons.

The therapy with the psychologist was very helpful. I had never opened up with anyone about any of this and being able to just talk about it and express my anger was a great relief. The therapy was a male and I did not trust men. So . . . it was very ironic. On the first visit he said "I am a recovering alcoholic". "I have been sober for 18 years". My reaction was 'Wow! a real human being! He was the first person in my life that provided compassion and support.

I am going to think about the word/the thought/the perspective of "release" versus "forgive". It is encouraging and I will work with it in meditation. I don't have to make a special appointment with myself to address this in meditation because the anger is always the very first emotion that emerges in meditation.

Thank you Debra

 

[KristinLynne]

Hi Trobar, I'm sure this was difficult to share and deeply personal. And I am so sorry your health is suffering along with what you are going through. I can only share that I was angry for so long to, although my circumstances pail to what you've endured. It took me a long time to recognize my anger and then deal with it. I chose a little at a time but after coming here to the forum, I realized that the experiences I had and many other peoples experiences were important lessons. When reading some of the recommended books I could see and understand what they were talking about when they were describing pathological people. I think if we hadn't experienced it first hand in one way or another, it would be difficult to really understand just what they are and do.

The way it helped me was I kept telling myself that it was a lesson, I had to go through to be able to understand for one but if it wasn't for the last one I dealt with, I may have not found the forum when I did. So in essence I changed my thoughts to be thankful to them for the push to do better and look for answers which led me here. It was not easy and it took a long time but it has helped me to release a lot of the anger. I still think about some of those experiences though and while the emotion is not completely gone because I will dream of those people from time to time, it is not as vivid as it used to be.

I also agree with Maat, that forgiving yourself is as important if not more. I have a harder time with that than forgiving others because I have been harder on myself than I should be. Those types of people may never change but each of our lives have been changed because of them. I feel like using the knowledge I've gained to better myself and those around me is the best way to make sense of what happened and put those experiences to better use. I wish I could expand more but I do hope it helps a little.

 

[Kay Kim]

I have been seriously ill for the last two years. I know that the root cause of my illness is the fact that I am
"stuck" in what we perceive to be the past. My history includes incest as a child, fanatical abusive cult members for parents and marriage to an abusive sociopath. I have thus far not succeeded in forgiving these people and I am certain this is the major obstacle that hinders my recovery. Learning to forgive is a profoundly challenging and valuable lesson for me.

Hello Trobar,
I am sorry about you have been abused by various people from your younger life.
Yet you think that is your life lesson and trying to forgive others, very impressive!
It seems somehow your subconscious level you know that you must have to.
Yes, before we transition to other higher density, we must payoff all the karmic debt and learn 3rd earthly lessons to be graduated.

October 18, 1994
Q: (L) Is there any such thing as racial superiority regarding the races on the planet earth?

A: Only karmically determined by physical confinement assignment.

Q: (L) It can be karmically determined to be born into one race or another?

A: Yes.

I copied some of posted from another thread, you can go there read more, if you want.

Quick question about Karma

Hello guys, I have a quick question here. Did the C's ever talk about "the rules of karma"/universal justice or something along these lines and if they did can someone share a link please?

cassiopaea.org

“The Law of One,
18.12 Questioner: You stated yesterday that forgiveness is the eradicator of karma. I am assuming that balanced forgiveness for the full eradication of karma would require forgiveness not only of other-selves but forgiveness of self. Am I correct?

Ra: I am Ra. You are correct. We will briefly expand upon this understanding in order to clarify.
Forgiveness of other-self is forgiveness of self. An understanding of this insists upon full forgiveness upon the conscious level of self and other-self, for they are one. A full forgiveness is thus impossible without the inclusion of self“.

July 4th 2009
Q: (J) Is P***'s tumor malignant?

A: No.

Q: (A**) Is it curable?

A: Anything is curable with the right action within and without

Can smoking pot help him?

A: Not as such. The therapeutic delivery is more specific. He needs to feel the pain and acknowledge it and let it go, not buffer it.

23 July 1995
A: Thought centers do not have primary focus in any level of density. This is precisely the point. You are not completely familiar with the reality of what thoughts are. We have spoken to you on many levels and have detailed many areas involving density level, but thoughts are quite a different thing because they pass through all density levels at once. Now, let us ask you this. Do you not now see how that would be possible?”

I had my own lesson and I learned, I am glad I did!
And some karma is manifesting in person’s body, if that happen, all have to do is acknowledge the root of the cause then let it go. In my case, about 20 some years ago, my back was felt weak and pains and one day I couldn’t even get up from the bed, I was thinking what’s wrong with me, then I recalled the memories a few months ago I was laughing about how my younger sister’s back pains and thinking to myself, how bad was that she couldn’t even get out of her bed, she must exaggerate her condition.
Because I never had back problems, so I didn’t understand. And when I realize how painful it was and I acknowledged that I was wrong and I said to myself “OK, now I learned my lesson and it is time to recover”, then from that moment my back was healing.
But I forgot all about that incident and a few years later my left shoulder was so much pain that I couldn’t rise up about 6 months, later I finally figured out because I din’t have sympathy for shoulder pain in the lady I know. And once I acknowledged my error then I got completely cured in 3 days later.
At that time I didn’t have any spiritual knowledge. I might keep making errors but I willing to learn to be better person, and continue to learn in here, and more in next density and next...

So everything is reverberates in the universe according to what person thoughts and actions, and that come back to you as karma or lesson for us to learn

 

[seek10]

I am sorry triobar you had gone through the situation. I am glad therapist had been helpful. At personal level, we can forgive others to not hurt ourselves from the effects, but we also needs to forgive ourselves. But that also needs understanding of wide range of effects abuse creates. Often guilt(for ??? Fill as it is appropriate) at different levels. You are only in control of your self not others (Abuser) whether other personZIS capable of understanding the mistake and remorse.

The author of ‘Tao of fully feeling Harvesting forgiveness from blame’ Peter walker says ‘forgive but not forget’. According to him, one Can have intellectual understanding and can say forgiven but other parts of one self may show the symptoms of abuse. People may lockup their emotion And scared of express feel . He says “One has to TrueType grieve to release”.

Ultimately we have to heal from the effects of the abuse. That includes physical release Of ones own Trauma, intellectual understanding of varied guilts it produces, able to feel safe enough express the feelings and emotions as if the abuse doesn’t have any Effect anymore.

 

[seek10]

I am sorry for the auto fill mistakes of the iPad. But you get the point.

 

[Trobar]

Hello Trobar,
I am sorry about you have been abused by various people from your younger life.
Yet you think that is your life lesson and trying to forgive others, very impressive!
It seems somehow your subconscious level you know that you must have to.
Yes, before we transition to other higher density, we must payoff all the karmic debt and learn 3rd earthly lessons to be graduated.

October 18, 1994
Q: (L) Is there any such thing as racial superiority regarding the races on the planet earth?

A: Only karmically determined by physical confinement assignment.

Q: (L) It can be karmically determined to be born into one race or another?

A: Yes.

I copied some of posted from another thread, you can go there read more, if you want.

Quick question about Karma

Hello guys, I have a quick question here. Did the C's ever talk about "the rules of karma"/universal justice or something along these lines and if they did can someone share a link please?

cassiopaea.org

“The Law of One,
18.12 Questioner: You stated yesterday that forgiveness is the eradicator of karma. I am assuming that balanced forgiveness for the full eradication of karma would require forgiveness not only of other-selves but forgiveness of self. Am I correct?

Ra: I am Ra. You are correct. We will briefly expand upon this understanding in order to clarify.
Forgiveness of other-self is forgiveness of self. An understanding of this insists upon full forgiveness upon the conscious level of self and other-self, for they are one. A full forgiveness is thus impossible without the inclusion of self“.

July 4th 2009
Q: (J) Is P***'s tumor malignant?

A: No.

Q: (A**) Is it curable?

A: Anything is curable with the right action within and without

Can smoking pot help him?

A: Not as such. The therapeutic delivery is more specific. He needs to feel the pain and acknowledge it and let it go, not buffer it.

23 July 1995
A: Thought centers do not have primary focus in any level of density. This is precisely the point. You are not completely familiar with the reality of what thoughts are. We have spoken to you on many levels and have detailed many areas involving density level, but thoughts are quite a different thing because they pass through all density levels at once. Now, let us ask you this. Do you not now see how that would be possible?”

I had my own lesson and I learned, I am glad I did!
And some karma is manifesting in person’s body, if that happen, all have to do is acknowledge the root of the cause then let it go. In my case, about 20 some years ago, my back was felt weak and pains and one day I couldn’t even get up from the bed, I was thinking what’s wrong with me, then I recalled the memories a few months ago I was laughing about how my younger sister’s back pains and thinking to myself, how bad was that she couldn’t even get out of her bed, she must exaggerate her condition.
Because I never had back problems, so I didn’t understand. And when I realize how painful it was and I acknowledged that I was wrong and I said to myself “OK, now I learned my lesson and it is time to recover”, then from that moment my back was healing.
But I forgot all about that incident and a few years later my left shoulder was so much pain that I couldn’t rise up about 6 months, later I finally figured out because I din’t have sympathy for shoulder pain in the lady I know. And once I acknowledged my error then I got completely cured in 3 days later.
At that time I didn’t have any spiritual knowledge. I might keep making errors but I willing to learn to be better person, and continue to learn in here, and more in next density and next...

So everything is reverberates in the universe according to what person thoughts and actions, and that come back to you as karma or lesson for us to learn

Hello Trobar,
I am sorry about you have been abused by various people from your younger life.
Yet you think that is your life lesson and trying to forgive others, very impressive!
It seems somehow your subconscious level you know that you must have to.
Yes, before we transition to other higher density, we must payoff all the karmic debt and learn 3rd earthly lessons to be graduated.

October 18, 1994
Q: (L) Is there any such thing as racial superiority regarding the races on the planet earth?

A: Only karmically determined by physical confinement assignment.

Q: (L) It can be karmically determined to be born into one race or another?

A: Yes.

I copied some of posted from another thread, you can go there read more, if you want.

Quick question about Karma

Hello guys, I have a quick question here. Did the C's ever talk about "the rules of karma"/universal justice or something along these lines and if they did can someone share a link please?

cassiopaea.org

“The Law of One,
18.12 Questioner: You stated yesterday that forgiveness is the eradicator of karma. I am assuming that balanced forgiveness for the full eradication of karma would require forgiveness not only of other-selves but forgiveness of self. Am I correct?

Ra: I am Ra. You are correct. We will briefly expand upon this understanding in order to clarify.
Forgiveness of other-self is forgiveness of self. An understanding of this insists upon full forgiveness upon the conscious level of self and other-self, for they are one. A full forgiveness is thus impossible without the inclusion of self“.

July 4th 2009
Q: (J) Is P***'s tumor malignant?

A: No.

Q: (A**) Is it curable?

A: Anything is curable with the right action within and without

Can smoking pot help him?

A: Not as such. The therapeutic delivery is more specific. He needs to feel the pain and acknowledge it and let it go, not buffer it.

23 July 1995
A: Thought centers do not have primary focus in any level of density. This is precisely the point. You are not completely familiar with the reality of what thoughts are. We have spoken to you on many levels and have detailed many areas involving density level, but thoughts are quite a different thing because they pass through all density levels at once. Now, let us ask you this. Do you not now see how that would be possible?”

I had my own lesson and I learned, I am glad I did!
And some karma is manifesting in person’s body, if that happen, all have to do is acknowledge the root of the cause then let it go. In my case, about 20 some years ago, my back was felt weak and pains and one day I couldn’t even get up from the bed, I was thinking what’s wrong with me, then I recalled the memories a few months ago I was laughing about how my younger sister’s back pains and thinking to myself, how bad was that she couldn’t even get out of her bed, she must exaggerate her condition.
Because I never had back problems, so I didn’t understand. And when I realize how painful it was and I acknowledged that I was wrong and I said to myself “OK, now I learned my lesson and it is time to recover”, then from that moment my back was healing.
But I forgot all about that incident and a few years later my left shoulder was so much pain that I couldn’t rise up about 6 months, later I finally figured out because I din’t have sympathy for shoulder pain in the lady I know. And once I acknowledged my error then I got completely cured in 3 days later.
At that time I didn’t have any spiritual knowledge. I might keep making errors but I willing to learn to be better person, and continue to learn in here, and more in next density and next...

So everything is reverberates in the universe according to what person thoughts and actions, and that come back to you as karma or lesson for us to learn

Hello Kay Kim,

I have thought about my particular situation with physical illness and have asked for guidance. I will share that I did not ask anyone physically manifested. The guidance I received was pretty much what you have shared with me in your post. I slowly and grudgingly came to understand and accept that my deteriorating health was a manifestation of my own thoughts and my own feelings. The most challenging factor, was understanding that I will carry the anger with me to any and all locations that I transition to. There . . . is where the lesson lies for me. Karma is a 'sticky wicket'. I think of it like a little friend that sits on my crown and watches me make the same choices again and again and with tremendous love says "OK. Here we go again". I know that I do not have to forgive anyone. I know I am entitled to hold on to the anger until it destroys my physical body. I know that we are all connected to each other and to the Infinite Creator. I know that the evolution of my soul is greatly affected by my willingness to learn to forgive those who "trespass against us". I know this. It is not my responsibility to attempt to convince anyone else of this knowing. This is my knowing and my responsibility. This is my lesson. However . . . achieving this is easier written about here than actually achieving it. Having written this I will now write that our individual journeys are many times a lonely journey. It is only here on the forum that I find a location of love in its purest form. It is very beautiful and it restores my soul in ways that is very difficult to describe.

Thank you for taking the time to post your reply. I read all of the Ra material about 25 or 30 years ago and there was so much that resonated profoundly for me. I have also read all the Cassiopaen transcripts. Their love and their wisdom is . . . precious. I have days in this life when I wonder what would have happened to me if that book had not fallen on my head in the used book store. The book was "The Bringers of the Dawn". My story is not very different at all from most of the people on this forum. My participation is very different in that writing like this is extremely difficult for me.

Someone from this forum that I like very much suggested that I post about my illness just in case some members could provide some suggestions. I am glad that I did.

 

[Renaissance]

I still feel so much anger that I have failed to forgive them. I do want to forgive and I want to forgive while I am still here.

I think it's more important to get out that anger. Don't worry about their forgiveness, especially since they are not seeking it. One method of doing this is spend 10 minutes a day writing, starting out 'I'm so angry because...' or writing a letter to the people who have hurt you telling them everything you've gone through - no holding back in whatever exercise you choose. Then burn what you've written. Release that anger because holding it in is poison.

The people I have not been able to forgive never wanted to change. Only one is still alive and this person is the same. My thoughts on this matter have never changed. I think that when I say to an abusive person "I forgive you", they think "I got away with it and will do it again". I did learn from the horror that I experienced. It has provided me with an understanding and a profound compassion and empathy for others that have suffered abuse. This is a blessing as I have been able to help others with this type of history.

I don't understand why you think you've failed then? You're conflicting ideas about forgiveness may actually be keeping that anger in when it needs to be felt and released.

 

[Keit]

I have been seriously ill for the last two years. I know that the root cause of my illness is the fact that I am
"stuck" in what we perceive to be the past.

Ultimately we have to heal from the effects of the abuse. That includes physical release Of ones own Trauma, intellectual understanding of varied guilts it produces, able to feel safe enough express the feelings and emotions as if the abuse doesn’t have any Effect anymore.

Thank you for sharing, Trobar. I can definitely relate and understand what kind of repercussions abusive childhood/growing up can have.

It could be a matter of a different social environment or mentality, but when I was working on healing the self (and it is still work in progress) I didn't concentrate on the concept of "forgiving them". Only if it related to severing the "emotional connection".

You see, strong emotions, either love or hate, or fear, keep us connected to this person, even if only in our mind. We may be far away from our abusers in a physical sense, but as long as they continue to "occupy" a part in our mind that is associated with strong emotions (like resentment), we will continue to feed this connection. And this way we may actually continue participating in a similar dynamic and replaying it, because this is the only thing a part of us is familiar with.

So in practical sense this "forgiveness" has more to do with you and what steps you can take in order to stop this energy leakage, and how to use this energy to heal and improve yourself.

As for various illnesses, nowadays there is solid research that shows that abuse in early life does have an effect in adult life as well, and often simply talking everything over and understanding it intellectually isn't enough. Although it does play an important role in healing. Sometimes it requires a combined or an integrative approach.

Don't know if you heard or read about Polyvagal theory, or about healing modalities based on this theory. The idea is that early trauma can be stored in muscles, or cause disregulation of nervous or vagal systems, and this can lead to various diseases or influence person's life in general.

You can read about it on the forum here. There are also other threads on the topic of polyvagal theory.

Also, recently I started listening to Irene Leyon's videos. Here's one as an example, but she has a lot of material on the channel, and you may find something more appropriate to your personal situation. Personally, I found her explanations quite insightful and spot on.

Mind Matters show also has couple of videos on the topic, if you haven't watched them altready. They have a lot of interesting theoretical information.

 

[Yas]

I'm sorry that you had to g through such experiences, Trobar. And I thank you for sharing a bit about them.

I agree that when it comes to abuse and the people who abused aren't asking for forgiveness and are not really capable of realizing the wrongness of what they've done, forgiving them might not be the best approach.

You see, sometimes we can make things more uncomfortable and harder if we are trying hard to forgive, because we have to kind of force ourselves to do it, to feel a particular emotion (forgiveness), when it really isn't there for us, or we're not ready to go there... yet. So it's kind of like going against ourselves... and that's also something that could be related to autoimmune disease, if you think about it (the body going against itself). I'm not saying that this is exactly your case, but maybe it's something you can think about, and maybe you don't need to force yourself to forgive now and go through the lingering emotions of anger and resentment as Renaissance suggested.

Perhaps, a concept that could help is acceptance. It certainly helped me a great deal. Accepting that the people who did this are what they are, doesn't mean condoning their actions. You can still think that those actions were wrong, and that they will never regret it, yet, it is just what they are and nothing will change it. The difficult part is accepting that bad things could have happened to us, and that they hurt, and that we are angry, and yes, that is part of the process, but maybe, instead of fighting the emotions you have, which are normal, considering what you've been through, you can also accept them without feeling that have to forgive other people. Forgiveness may come later on.

This doesn't mean that you have to go deeply into those emotions and let them control you. You can perceive them, accept they are there, trying to keep a space between you, the observer, and the emotions, knowing that they're part of you but not you, and know that those emotions have their right to be there, so to say, that you don't have to change them to something else, and that they will pass too. Writing can help create this "space" and burning what you write can be a way to let go symbolically which can have a real impact on letting go internally.

 

[mkrnhr]

Hello Trobar,
From what I understand, forgiveness may mean different things to different people and different situations. I'm always reminded of a saying I heard when I was little "forgive but do not forget" or something like that.
When it comes to people who did us wrong in the past, what they did is still wrong and will always be wrong. There is no changing that. However, what can be changed is the way it affects us in the present.

One thing that comes to mind is detachment. This is physical detachment first (these people are not in my life anymore and even if they were, they cannot wrong me the same way as before) but more importantly emotional detachment. These people do not matter, they are abstract forces of nature like the rain or a random dog in the street. It's not that simple of course, but the way I understand forgiveness in this context is the ability to be free of the connection one has with these "people" through the hurt and trauma. It is as if one is still invisibly connected to them and then the process is to cut those wires and wash them away, in order to be completely "detached" and independent.

Of course, I don't claim that it is easy. It's probably a gradual process you will have to go through. However, the point is that you don't need to burden yourself with not being able to forget if it means to redeem them or to deny what they did. However, maybe if you approach forgiveness as emotional detachment and independence, it could be a more approachable an approach.
hope it helps somehow and in any case you have our moral support.