Hating My Mother and Merry Christmas - Two of my *I*s

Okay, so I've posted on here before about my Mother.
Not much has improved since, the only way I see for this to end if for me to completely terminate the relationship between us both.

When I talk about moving away, or moving out of England or generally "Growing up" and having children, my Mother persists that she will live with me, or voice that I can't leave her and it would be unfair.
She asked my whether I was moving back home next year, I said no, and in some way she had convinced herself that I said I was moving back home and started crying in the middle of the street.

I am studying Psychology in University, because of this she believes that I think I'm better than her, and asks that I don't talk down to her. Just recently I asked her what she wanted for Christmas and she exclaimed "I just want you to stop saying hurtful things"

I would end the relationship between us if I knew she wouldn't completely break down. Plus, my animals (my dog and my parrot) are at her house too, but I can't bring them with me to my house. I love them so much and wouldn't dream of "giving them away" especially since it's my responsibility and they're dependent on me.

When I do visit my Mothers, which is becoming less and less frequent, I have this horrible hatred inside me when I even hear her voice or look at her, when she's happy it makes me frustrated and when she's sad I just feel numb. I don't pity her at all, and I've stopped with the angry comments and stopped arguing back because all she does is justify herself and her actions.

I've read the books I've needed to for this topic, "The myth of sanity" , "Trapped in the mirror" etc.

My big question is, how do I stop my programme of hating her actions? and how do you entertain someone when you can't give them what they want? also, since I have to put up with her presence until I can get my attachments away from her house, I can't possibly think of the best way to do this.

Any comments/opinions would be much appreciated,
Thank you!

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

It's the short post, and is difficult to infer something deeper, but this what I would guess from the description is that it's like a small family kettle where no one speaks honestly what behaviour expect from other person and resolve the situation on its own way (by covertly or directly forcing or cutting something) what lead rather to the competition than cooperation.

I would suggest to learn how to absorb, how to gain some distance to the rude behavior or words, through observation and identification of emerging negative emotions as temporary and unsuitable to the situation. From that position, being sincere, understanding and as far as possible objective, take out a discussion with your Mother.

fwiw

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

I appreciate your comment entirely, but I have tried to discuss with my Mother on numerous occasions, with various different approaches.

lux said:

I would suggest to learn how to absorb, how to gain some distance to the rude behavior or words, through observation and identification of emerging negative emotions as temporary and unsuitable to the situation.

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I understand that. I will try this, it shall just be a game of ultimately entertaining her!
Thank you for the input lux!

Kind Regards

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

I'm of the opinion, that a certain amount of "respect" needs to be maintained, in relationship between ourselves and our Parent's, no matter - what the circumstances. We need to be mindful, that it was through them, that we were born, giving opportunity to explore our own nature and free-will expression. The C's have remarked, that an approaching birth will try to match a genetic profile, according to it's needs in the learning cycle, when possible. So, if it's for lesson's to be encountered and learned or of a possible karmic relationship, or combination of both, we need to be "open" to the possibilities involved. Plus, we need to be mindful, we're not born perfect, either.

As for the word "hate", hatred puts up an invisible non-penetrating wall, between one's self and the thing it despises. It blocks any interaction "in discovery" of the underlying circumstances that has promoted the hatred. What if, what you supposedly hate in another - is a reflection or mirror - of something unconscious that's reflected in self? In condemnation, are you projecting the outburst onto another, while ignoring a root cause "in self?" The negative ramifications are devastating to both parties involved, for the wall of hatred, blocks a way forward to effectively communicate each other's positions and come to an amiable solution.

Quote:
"I would end the relationship between us if I knew she wouldn't completely break down. Plus, my animals (my dog and my parrot) are at her house too, but I can't bring them with me to my house. I love them so much and wouldn't dream of "giving them away" especially since it's my responsibility and they're dependent on me."

In your statement, you declare, your animals are your responsibility and they're dependent on you - yet you have left your Mother as the caretaker because "I can't bring them with me to my house" and "I love them so much and wouldn't dream of giving them away........?" Along with, "I would end the relationship between us if I knew she wouldn't completely break down." Do you have a deep unconscious fear, that your Mother would abandon you and your fear base is a mirror reflection, with hatred as a platform?

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

I'm in the opinion that although I should respect my mother (Which I do to a certain extent, and ofcourse I unconditionally love her) that we cannot respect those who do not respect us.

As my Mother is a narcissist, and uses the fact that she did give birth to me and raise me as an excuse to say to me "you owe your life to me" ... I believe it creates an opposite effect. She believes that because she gave birth to me and raised me, that I do owe my life to her, and that this is the sole reason I should respect her.

I'm sorry I didn't include much information in the original post, but as a child she verbally, mentally and violently abused me when she didn't get her own way. She tried to control me throughout my life and when I reached my teenage years and started to rebel, this is when things got worse.

I know I'm not perfect either. I have questioned whether my hatred for her is something within myself, and this is a major possibility I understand that. I'm glad you mentioned that actually.

My mother argues with me because I believe it feeds her, I argue back because I believe everything she says is only in consideration of herself, what kind of a mother would rather her daughter stay at home and get a working class job just so she can keep her in her presence?

angelburst29 said:

In your statement, you declare, your animals are your responsibility and they're dependent on you - yet you have left your Mother as the caretaker because "I can't bring them with me to my house" and "I love them so much and wouldn't dream of giving them away........?" Along with, "I would end the relationship between us if I knew she wouldn't completely break down." Do you have a deep unconscious fear, that your Mother would abandon you and your fear base is a mirror reflection, with hatred as a platform?

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I had no choice but to leave my mum as the sole caregiver of these animals, because she pleaded for me not to sell them. I think she has kept them as a way as making me always come back, but she also loves them.
Also, she is now threatening to put these animals up for sale, this is also an indication that she says things like that to get a reaction.

I am certain I do not have an unconscious fear that my mother would abandon me.

I appreciate your outlook on hate, and I have realised I need to seriously consider the 'hate' part of it.

Thank you angelburst29

Kind Regards

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

Relationship problems are rarely ever one-sided. One thing that struck me is you said 'when she's happy it just makes me frustrated'. Why is that? Would it make you happy if your mother was unhappy all of the time?

Also, the issue of your pets. If you really wanted them with you, I'm sure you could find somewhere to live that would allow you to keep pets. Could there be something going on at a subconscious level that is making you leave them with your Mother, so that you don't cut off contact?

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

ec1968 said:

Relationship problems are rarely ever one-sided. One thing that struck me is you said 'when she's happy it just makes me frustrated'. Why is that? Would it make you happy if your mother was unhappy all of the time?

Also, the issue of your pets. If you really wanted them with you, I'm sure you could find somewhere to live that would allow you to keep pets. Could there be something going on at a subconscious level that is making you leave them with your Mother, so that you don't cut off contact?

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That is very true that they are rarely one-sided.

It makes me frustrated when she's happy because she's only happy for a given time, then she goes back to moaning that I don't live at home, or her financial issues because she doesn't retrieve the benefits from when I did live at home.

No, you're right, it would not make me happy if she were to be sad all of the time, if anything I want her to be able to be content in her own presence and not need me, or anyone else of that matter, for her to be happy.

As for the animals, I will try and find a house where I can take them with me when my contract is up (in the summer) I just wanted to find a resolution on the touchy relationship between us until then.

I was wrong in saying that I am certain of my subconscious 'wants', as we are never certain are we?

The reason I want to cut off from my Mother is because all she ever seems to do is emotionally upset and damage me, everytime we talk she mentions the fact that, I quote, "fucked off just like my dad did" ... Ofcourse I want to keep in contact with her because I love her, and I would like to appreciate her whilst she lives, but it proves very difficult when our relationship is sheerly the foundation of her hating me for moving away.

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

Even though I may not give you a solution to solve your problem, I would like to say that acceptance can help you to stop hating her. We always fall in the trap of hate when we forget to accept how a person really is.

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

edgitarra said:

Even though I may not give you a solution to solve your problem, I would like to say that acceptance can help you to stop hating her. We always fall in the trap of hate when we forget to accept how a person really is.

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That's true, I was reading "How to wine friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie today and it did make me realise that I just have to accept her for who she is at the end of the day! Also, my boyfriend did say this numerous times it's just difficult!

I guess I just have to teach myself how to accept her now!

Thank you edgitarra

Kind Regards

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

Maybe an option for your pets would be to find someone who could be foster parents to them til your lease is up. That way, regarding your mother, the conversation ends about the pets and makes way for a clearing to work on your relationship with your mother. Your pets would no longer be a part of the equation.

I understand parent/adult children relationships can be difficult sometimes. Do you have other siblings?

From a mother`s point of view, I know there is a lot of letting go when your children leave home. Mother usually always thinks she`s knows what`s best for her children (even though that might not be true). Old programs do kick in. I've learned a lot doing the work here and I`m still learning, still trying to be a better person/mother to my kids and to others. When old programs kick in, I try to be more aware and be more considerate.

As for the adult child`s side,it seems that you are trying to find your way, but maybe with a little more self observation and external consideration, you might find that goes a long way in healing your relationship with your mom. Maybe even writing a letter to her would somehow give her something to contemplate and there wouldn`t be a heated exchange of words. FWIW

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

Nancy2feathers said:

Maybe an option for your pets would be to find someone who could be foster parents to them til your lease is up. That way, regarding your mother, the conversation ends about the pets and makes way for a clearing to work on your relationship with your mother. Your pets would no longer be a part of the equation.

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That's a really good idea, I will look into that.

Nancy2feathers said:

As for the adult child`s side,it seems that you are trying to find your way, but maybe with a little more self observation and external consideration, you might find that goes a long way in healing your relationship with your mom. Maybe even writing a letter to her would somehow give her something to contemplate and there wouldn`t be a heated exchange of words.

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That's true, I have been doing alot of self observation and externally considering, but alongside this journey she just doesn't seem to be in the equation at all.

The letter approach is a fantastic opportunity for me to declare some issues, It'll take a while to write.

No I do not have any other siblings, which is also why it's so hard for her to be alone.

Thank you for your advice
Kind Regards

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

Hey lilyalic,
You can also write a letter without giving it to her, or write as suggested in Timothy Wilson's book "Redirect" (Redirect: The surprising new science of psychological change) which may help broaden an understanding of the bigger picture.

Seeing how pieces of the puzzle fall into place, & seeing her for who she is, can help you learn to accept & better understand what areas need work.

Hope this helps.

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

quote from lilyalic:

Okay, so I've posted on here before about my Mother.
Not much has improved since, the only way I see for this to end if for me to completely terminate the relationship between us both.

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This is a real tough one. It seems to me that your mother needs you to be in her life because she has not been able to create a life separate from her identity as your mother although I could be wrong. I may be projecting my experience with my mother onto your experience with yours, so please, let me know if that is the case.

My mother was so controlling that I had terrifying nightmares of giant snakes swallowing me. I too hated my mother who was so obsessed with my well being after I left my marriage that she used to follow me in the street hiding behind mailboxes on the opposite side. She would show up at my house, put her finger on the buzzer, and keep it there all the while banging on the door. I finally had to call the police to make her go away. For some reason, Once, after Ihad given her the keys to my apartment, told her I was going away so she wouldn't worry about me only to find out when I returned that she had come into my house, and called my friends asking them to save me from what I do not know. I was working, I had my own apartment, and I was fine - except when she visited.

After the telephone book incident, I moved, and did not see or speak to her for many years.

She died a few years ago, and I do not miss her. However, we were able to work out some kind of relationship through therapy. As my mother had no life aside from her identity as my mother, the therapist reprogrmmed the interaction between us by suggesting we share experiences such as going to a movie a museum, a concert or other cultural activity together so she would have something to focus on other than me.

As a result, when I became a single mother with a newborn, I was able to have her live with me, and she was of great assistance at that time. Unfortunately, she developed dementia and reverted back to all the behaviors that had alienated me in the first place. I just could not overcome the triggers that went off in me, so I did not visit her as often as I should have after she had to go to a nursing home.

Perhaps you could find a therapist who will help your mother understand the concept of boundaries. I think that if that is possible for you too, you might be able to work something out that is agreeable to both of you. I wish you well.

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

webglider said:

My mother was so controlling that I had terrifying nightmares of giant snakes swallowing me. I too hated my mother who was so obsessed with my well being after I left my marriage that she used to follow me in the street hiding behind mailboxes on the opposite side. She would show up at my house, put her finger on the buzzer, and keep it there all the while banging on the door. I finally had to call the police to make her go away. For some reason, Once, after Ihad given her the keys to my apartment, told her I was going away so she wouldn't worry about me only to find out when I returned that she had come into my house, and called my friends asking them to save me from what I do not know. I was working, I had my own apartment, and I was fine - except when she visited.

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That's awful, Thank you for sharing that.

It seems as if your Mother was a narcissist too, there are far too many engulfing parents!

Sometimes when I tell stories to my closest friend about her, it feels as if I'm making them up because they are that far fetched!

Of course you are projecting your experiences with your mother, but there is alot of mutual ground. I'm so sorry to hear about what you had to go through, I do believe she can't find her own identity as she likes to reassure me that I'm 'her world' and my friends and family have told me that I'm the centre of the conversation.

When I have a child, I really don't want my Mother anywhere near them, but I suppose I won't beable to avoid that and it would be selfish of me. I just don't want any narcissistic qualities to arise, or want her label to transfer from a 'Mum' to a 'Grandmother'

webglider said:

Perhaps you could find a therapist who will help your mother understand the concept of boundaries. I think that if that is possible for you too, you might be able to work something out that is agreeable to both of you. I wish you well.

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Unfortunately I would be against going to a therapist, because whenever I mention anything that my Mother has done directly hurtful for me, she just justifies this. When we used to have arguments, I would ring my Granddad to try to get an outsiders opinion, but straight after she would invite him round or ring him back and say that I was lying and manipulate the story, but it's almost as if she believed her own story!

So, I am just under this impression that she would lie to a therapist too.

Thank you for your comments and for sharing your experience, it was extremely helpful.


Kind Regards

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

SMM said:

Hey lilyalic,
You can also write a letter without giving it to her, or write as suggested in Timothy Wilson's book "Redirect" (Redirect: The surprising new science of psychological change) which may help broaden an understanding of the bigger picture.

Seeing how pieces of the puzzle fall into place, & seeing her for who she is, can help you learn to accept & better understand what areas need work.

Hope this helps.

Click to expand...

This video was very helpful, so Thank you very much for showing me the link!

Kind Regards