13 things mentally strong people don't do

Thanks for sharing!

Laura said:
Mental strength isn't often reflected in what you do. It's usually seen in what you don't do.

This strikes me as really important - it's about what we don't do, regardless of the situation.

Sometimes we feel happy, strong and optimistic. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed, afraid, hurt or weak - in pain. I guess it will always be like that in a way; that's life. I think a primary goal of the Work and mental strength is to act properly when we are not feeling good. I mean, in our happier moments, it's easy to feel 'mentally strong', when in fact this might not be the case. It's just that we feel good in this moment, which actually can make us more vulnerable when the inevitable slap in the face comes the next minute, day or month. Then we feel all the loss of our 'happiness' so strongly that we act very badly and erratically.

But if we manage to hold it together during 'unhappy' and difficult moments, and indeed use these negative emotions to propel us to a higher level of awareness, as an alarm clock and energy that can make us SEE and ACT, then this is a sign of mental strength IMO. Then we are least prone to delude ourselves I think. In fact, it's important not to run away from these states of being but rather to confront them head-on, to make it a point to really feel them as deeply as we can manage, while still holding it together. Plus, dealing with internal and external negativity in this way has the nice side effect to pull us out of our unhappy state quickly and produce a sense of balanced, deep satisfaction that doesn't feel random, but conscious and focused. It can also take away our fear of 'unhappiness' over time.

Fwiw
 
Laura said:
After reading the list, it just seemed to me that this thing she is calling "mental strength" is an attribute of those who are advancing in The Work. This sort of thing is what makes it apparent that The Work is something that is best done in real life.
Thank you for this list. I once had a meditation teacher who emphasized "Meditation in the market place", that the real challenge of meditation is not when you are in a retreat, among like-minded people, but when you are in real life and facing reality. This teacher often used stories from Zen buddhism to illustrate this point.

Laura said:
And OH! How often we fall short of these very simple abilities that make life so much easier!
Indeed.

I find that we in such situations of negative events, have to be compassionate with ourselves, recognising the difficulty of the task. One can easily in the situation fall into the negative feedback loop of beating oneself up, of having failed again, of never getting it. But all of that takes us away from the moment and dealing with the situation. One could say that it amounts to having fallen off the horse and spending the precious time on the ground berating oneself instead of getting on the horse again. And while one is on the ground engaged in one's internal story, the horse might just walk away, making the 'goal' even more distant.
 
Thank you Laura.

Laura said:
5. They don't worry about pleasing everyone. Indeed, they're able to say "no."

Often we judge ourselves by considering what other people think of us, which is the opposite of mental toughness. Morin lists four facts about constantly trying to be a people-pleaser: It's a waste of time; people-pleasers are easily manipulated; it's OK for others to feel angry or disappointed; and you can't please everyone.

Dropping your people-pleasing mindset will make you stronger and more self-confident.

This popped into my mind as I was working with a colleague today and I sensed that he may have been displeased about something I said. I automatically got triggered into some mental rumination but managed to tamp it down and focus on the present moment, our discussion on the project we were working on.

6. They don't fear taking calculated risks. Instead, they prepare for what's ahead.

People are often afraid to take risks, whether it's financial, physical, emotional, social, or business-related, Morin says. But it comes down to knowledge. "A lack of knowledge about how to calculate risk leads to increased fear," Morin writes.

To better analyze a risk, ask yourself the following questions.

-What are the potential costs?

-What are the potential benefits?

-How will this help me achieve my goal?

-What are the alternatives?

-How good would it be if the best-case scenario came true?

-What is the worst thing that could happen, and how could I reduce the risk it will occur?

-How bad would it be if the worst-case scenario did come true?

-How much will this decision matter in five years?

Now I really like this list, it condenses what could potentially be a lot of undirected rumination into a few concise questions. It's clear to me that I could apply these instead of emotionally reacting or ruminating on challenges and opportunities where decisions are to be made.

9. They don't resent other people's success. They celebrate others' success.

Resentment is like anger that remains hidden and bottled up, Morin writes. Focusing on another person's success will not pave the way to your own, since it distracts you from your path. Even if you become successful, you may never be content if you're always focusing on others. You may also overlook your talents and abandon your values and relationships.

Good point about resentment being stale anger. How much of our lives is spent with this type of energy clouding our vision?

10. They don't give up after the first failure.

Success isn't immediate, and failure is almost always an obstacle you will have to overcome. Thinking that failure is unacceptable or that it means you aren't good enough does not reflect mental strength. In fact, "bouncing back after failure will make you stronger."

I think this point is a bit of a no-brainer... where would we go if we didn't pick ourselves up every time we fell? It's probably safe to merge this with point "8. They don't make the same mistakes over and over. Instead, they accept responsibility and change their behavior." :huh:

It could be reworded to also address perfectionism and having rigid black-and-white standards for what could be defined as "success". We could also dispense with the term and boil it down to doing your best and having pure faith that the outcome will teach us something, however it presents itself thereafter.

12. They don't feel the world owes them anything. They do focus on their efforts.

It's easy to get angry at the world for your failures or lack of success, but the truth is no one is entitled to anything. It must be earned.

"Life isn't meant to be fair," Morin says. If some people experience more happiness or success than others, "that's life - but it doesn't mean you're owed anything if you were dealt a bad hand."

The key is to focus on your efforts, accept criticism, acknowledge your flaws, and don't keep score, Morin writes. Comparing yourself to others will only set you up for disappointment if you don't receive what you think you're owed.
This is quite a refreshing kind of thought that helps realign myself to then clarify where I can channel my energy for positive change.


13. They don't expect immediate results. They do take small steps toward the goal.


"A willingness to develop realistic expectations and an understanding that success doesn't happen overnight is necessary if you want to reach your full potential," Morin writes. Mentally weak people are often impatient. They overestimate their abilities and underestimate how long change takes, she says, so they expect immediate results. It's important to "keep your eyes on the prize" and relentlessly work toward your long-term goals. There will be failures along the way, but if you measure your progress and look at the big picture, success will become attainable.

I guess this reaffirms the fact that we are here for the long haul, and if the planet burns (or freezes over, which is supposed to be inevitable anyway), at least we can say that we did our best.
 
bm said:
10. They don't give up after the first failure.

Success isn't immediate, and failure is almost always an obstacle you will have to overcome. Thinking that failure is unacceptable or that it means you aren't good enough does not reflect mental strength. In fact, "bouncing back after failure will make you stronger."

I think this point is a bit of a no-brainer... where would we go if we didn't pick ourselves up every time we fell? It's probably safe to merge this with point "8. They don't make the same mistakes over and over. Instead, they accept responsibility and change their behavior." :huh:

There is a difference between "mistake" and "failure". Mistake is doing something not best suited to the situation at hand. In other words, it is wrong action. Learning from mistakes and not making them again is under the control of the individual.

Failure on the other hand is the end result of some goal directed activity. Sometimes, success or failure in the activity/project may not be under the control of the individual alone, depending on the specific context. For example, in a group project, even if an individual does not make any mistakes, the overall project may or may not succeed depending on a number of uncontrolled external factors. Conversely, one can make mistakes but if they are not critical, they may not impact the outcome of the overall project which may turn out to be a success.
 
luc said:
Thanks for sharing!

Laura said:
Mental strength isn't often reflected in what you do. It's usually seen in what you don't do.

This strikes me as really important - it's about what we don't do, regardless of the situation.

Sometimes we feel happy, strong and optimistic. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed, afraid, hurt or weak - in pain. I guess it will always be like that in a way; that's life. I think a primary goal of the Work and mental strength is to act properly when we are not feeling good. I mean, in our happier moments, it's easy to feel 'mentally strong', when in fact this might not be the case. It's just that we feel good in this moment, which actually can make us more vulnerable when the inevitable slap in the face comes the next minute, day or month. Then we feel all the loss of our 'happiness' so strongly that we act very badly and erratically.

But if we manage to hold it together during 'unhappy' and difficult moments, and indeed use these negative emotions to propel us to a higher level of awareness, as an alarm clock and energy that can make us SEE and ACT, then this is a sign of mental strength IMO. Then we are least prone to delude ourselves I think. In fact, it's important not to run away from these states of being but rather to confront them heading, to make it a point to really feel them as deeply as we can manage, while still holding it together. Plus, dealing with internal and external negativity in this way has the nice side effect to pull us out of our unhappy state quickly and produce a sense of balanced, deep satisfaction that doesn't feel random, but conscious and focused. It can also take away our fear of 'unhappiness' over time.

Fwiw

That's really how I see it too. Can you remain mentally strong and be externally considerate even when you feel like crap? And yes dealing with the negative states head on as you say does produce a sense of well being and/ or confidence. There are goals big (Aim) and small, (daily responsibilities). Mastering oneself is a process of internal struggles that are constant that work against Doing. For me it's kind of like, recognize (negative or self defeating internal dialogue), ignore, remain steadfast in goal accomplishment. Some days I'm better at it than others.
 
The one trait that leapt out at me was dwelling on one's past mistakes. I guess at my age (71) that might be unavoidable, and I do recognize that it is something I must deal with if I'm to make progress in the Work. And yes, I most certainly am learning from that past.
But yeah, I'm definitely going to pin the list on my wall.
Great post Laura
 
obyvatel said:
There is a difference between "mistake" and "failure". Mistake is doing something not best suited to the situation at hand. In other words, it is wrong action. Learning from mistakes and not making them again is under the control of the individual.

Failure on the other hand is the end result of some goal directed activity. Sometimes, success or failure in the activity/project may not be under the control of the individual alone, depending on the specific context. For example, in a group project, even if an individual does not make any mistakes, the overall project may or may not succeed depending on a number of uncontrolled external factors. Conversely, one can make mistakes but if they are not critical, they may not impact the outcome of the overall project which may turn out to be a success.

This is a good point of distinction that should be kept in mind. Some things fail because they are "meant to" for some reason or another, and that is very different from making mistakes that can be corrected. And that means you have to know which is which so that you don't spend your time trying to do something that is not meant to be.
 
This is truly an extremely helpful list that anyone could benefit from. Imagine if this was taught in schools, how helpful it would be to teenagers struggling to cope with our messed up society!
 
manitoban said:
This is truly an extremely helpful list that anyone could benefit from. Imagine if this was taught in schools, how helpful it would be to teenagers struggling to cope with our messed up society!

Yes, indeed. But I think something about this "mentally strong people" concept needs a further angle. It seems to me that people that one ordinarily might consider "mentally weak" by the items on the list could very well be people who suffer from anxiety. So, as I was thinking about that, a link to an article came to my inbox and it seems to tell another side of the story and offer helpful suggestions:

10 Rare Insights Every Anxious Person Should Know
http://www.spring.org.uk/2016/03/anxiety-10-fascinating-new-insights.php

Why anxious people are agreeable, the supplement that reduces anxiety, dangers of anxiety drugs, the benefits of optimistic thinking and more…

1. Why anxious people are too agreeable

Disagreeing with others activates areas of the brain linked to anxiety in some people, new research finds. This helps to explain why some choose to agree all the time — it spares them psychological discomfort.

Dr Juan Dominguez, one of the study’s authors, explained:

“People like to agree with others, a social default known as the truth bias, which is helpful in forming and maintaining social relationships.

People don’t like to say that others are not telling the truth or lying because this creates an uncomfortable situation.”

2. Omega-3 supplementation reduces anxiety

Omega-3 supplements reduce anxiety and even lower inflammation in healthy people, research finds. A high quality study has shown that the supplement reduces anxiety by an average of 20%.

Professor Martha Belury, one of the study’s authors, explained:

“The supplement was probably about four or five times the amount of fish oil you’d get from a daily serving of salmon, for example.”

{I'm not sure that Keyhole would agree with this considering his info on PUFAs. Also, 20% doesn't seem like a lot. I've found that taking GABACalm is VERY helpful! Also, taking more magnesium and Taurine.}

3. Optimistic thinking benefits the anxious brain

Optimistic thinking could change areas of the brain related to anxiety, a new study finds. The orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) is an area of the brain important in anxiety and optimism. Now researchers have found that people who are more optimistic have larger OFCs.

Professor Florin Dolcos added:

“If you can train people’s responses, the theory is that over longer periods, their ability to control their responses on a moment-by-moment basis will eventually be embedded in their brain structure.”

{The question is: how to "train" people's responses. I think that is where work here on the forum comes in. People share, get feedback and encouragement, hear other people's stories, and that can help a lot. Thinking with a hammer, comes to mind also.}

4. Being neurotic predicts anxiety

Neuroticism has been found for the first time to predict the development of anxiety and depression in young people. Neuroticism is characterised by negative thinking in a range of areas. It includes high levels of moodiness and worrying.

{And that's all they have to say about it?! Being somewhat neurotic is not a bad thing! Neurotic people are also conscientious people, and generally people with a conscience. So I think the trick is to find the balance.}

5. Get enough REM sleep

A lack of REM sleep may raise the risk of chronic depression and anxiety, a new study finds. REM or Rapid Eye Movement sleep is when we dream. REM sleep occurs throughout the night as we cycle up and down into deep sleep. Typically a person might have six periods of REM sleep in a night separated by an hour or less. During REM sleep it may be that critical emotional memories are processed and resolved. The study found that when people’s REM sleep was disturbed, they had more trouble getting over emotional distress.

6. Online therapy for anxiety

After nine weeks of online therapy, people experiencing social anxiety disorder show distinct changes in their brains, new research finds. Online cognitive behavioural therapy can reduce anxiety and change brain volumes in critical areas. Mr Kristoffer NT Månsson, one of the study’s authors, said:

“The greater the improvement we saw in the patients, the smaller the size of their amygdalae. The study also suggests that the reduction in volume drives the reduction in brain activity.”

The amygdala is an area of the brain vital to the processing of the emotions.

{Maybe somebody can find out more about this "online therapy" and maybe volunteer to test it out?}


7. The neurocircuitry of anxiety

Stress and anxiety have been linked to the same neurocircuitry in the brain as depression and dementia. The new study suggests people need to find ways to reduce chronic stress or they could be putting themselves at increased risk of mental health problems. Neuroscientists have found there is an extensive overlap between neurocircuitry for anxiety, depression and dementia.

8. Brain training could reduce anxiety

Computer training can change how the brain regulates emotional reactions, a new study finds. Researchers have found that a simple attentional training task encourages the brain to ignore irrelevant information. The task involves identifying whether arrows on the screen are pointing left or right. At the same time people were asked to ignore other arrows on the screen placed there to distract them. Brain scans showed that people who practised a difficult version of this task later coped better with negative emotions.

{That's interesting. I suppose we should find out about that, too.}

9. Stop anxiety passing from parent to child

A new study finds that a family therapy intervention can help break the cycle of anxiety from parent to child. The study included 136 families where at least one parent struggled with anxiety. After just one year, 31% of children of parents with anxiety who did not go to therapy or get instructions had developed anxiety. However, in the group that received therapy the number of children that developed anxiety in one year was just 9%. Families in the therapy group were taught to identify the signs of anxiety and how to deal with them. One is called ‘the reality check’. It’s all about deciding which anxieties are worth paying attention to, explained Dr Ginsburg:

“We taught the kids how to identify scary thoughts, and how to change them. For example, if a child is afraid of cats and encounters one in the street, the child can first identify the scary thought: “That cat is going to hurt me.” Then the child can test that thought — is it likely that the cat will hurt me? No, the cat doesn’t look angry. It isn’t baring its teeth or hissing, it’s just sitting there. OK, I can walk past that cat and it won’t do anything.”

{Well, that's sort of like a simplified version of The Work in its emotional aspect; sort of like the Doctrine of the Present.}

10. Dangers of anxiety drugs

Benzodiazepines carry an increased risk of dementia and even death. Benzodiazepines include drugs marketed under the names Valium, Ativan, Klonopin and Xanax. These drugs are often prescribed for anxiety and other mental health issues such as OCD, insomnia and post-traumatic stress disorder. Research has now repeatedly linked these drugs to dementia and Alzheimer’s. A recent study found that taking benzodiazepines for three to six months increased the Alzheimer’s risk by 32%. Taking the drug for more than six months increased the risk by 84%.

Well, most of this we all knew, but it is helpful to have things synopsized now and again.
 
Thank you as well for sharing, the last info about anxiety is also especially interesting as it's something I deal with to varying degrees.
 
Thank you Laura and Gawan,
13. They don't expect immediate results. They do take small steps toward the goal.

"A willingness to develop realistic expectations and an understanding that success doesn't happen overnight is necessary if you want to reach your full potential," Morin writes. Mentally weak people are often impatient. They overestimate their abilities and underestimate how long change takes, she says, so they expect immediate results. It's important to "keep your eyes on the prize" and relentlessly work toward your long-term goals. There will be failures along the way, but if you measure your progress and look at the big picture, success will become attainable.

It makes sense, I keep my time being focus inside and aligning me that sometimes I direct myself toward experiences with joy in a rush spiral that diffuse pretty rapidly the light. I surely am too shallow with my emotions and don't keep myself going deeper and slow into each activities. That's a lack of extended vision "in action" which hindered putting the meaning of the ongoing activity, Returning to the previous activity after feeling a lack of completion in the next activity seem to help anchoring the will, but it has to be quick. I really begin to see the mind being the coachman, which lead the horses.
 
Thank you Laura.It is a beautiful and useful Gem.I have to say when i have hard moments,numbers 4 and 5 are my allies,but still there is a lot to do. Thanks!
 
Very good thoughts that help solve the daily problems.

1. They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves. Instead, they express gratitude.

8. They don't make the same mistakes over and over. Instead, they accept responsibility and change their behavior.

In my opinion:

1. They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves. Instead Seeks to gain strength and learn from their mistakes so that they do not have to regret it later.

8. They don't make the same mistakes over and over. Instead, they accept responsibility and change their behavior.

It is not the same "accept" responsibility that "learn" to be responsible.
The former can be a purely mechanical act, occasion; The second can lead to an awareness and thus learn to be responsible for what may come.

8. They don't make the same mistakes over and over. Instead, Seeks to acquire consciousness and not continue making the same mistakes.
 
Here is some links about CBT or Cognitive behavioral therapy online, used in the study by Dr Mah (number 6 of the article).

_https://www.verywell.com/what-is-cognitive-behavior-therapy-2795747

_http://www.cbtonlinetraining.com/

[list type=decimal]
[*]This one seems clean and nice to the view, for 40€ per week it proposes the online tools, psychological follow up and a private forum : _https://www.online-therapy.com/cbt

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Online

Our whole operation is based on Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is one of the most commonly used psychotherapeutic approaches for treating mental health problems. CBT online helps you to identify, challenge and overcome your dysfunctional thoughts, behaviors and emotions.
The basics of CBT
Basics of CBT

Since CBT constitutes the whole foundation for all our online therapy programs, we believe that it’s important for you to get a quick insight into what CBT is.

Cognitive: A term describing your thoughts and anything to do with the mind's function, e.g. thinking, understanding, learning and remembering.
Behavioral: A term describing how we respond to stimuli, such as the things we do as well as the things we do not do.

CBT is based on the idea that your thoughts are what cause your feelings and behaviors, not external stimuli like people, situations and events. That is, it’s not the stimuli that causes your emotions, but it’s how you interpret and perceive that stimuli. The benefit of this insight is that you can change the way you think, so that you feel and act better, even if the situation hasn’t changed. As you can see in the illustration above, there is a cycle of consequences with everything you do. This plays a great part in your overall feelings.
Does CBT online work?

Yes. Studies show that online CBT is just as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy*. All of our programs are based on CBT and provide you with the information, tools and guidance you need to overcome your problems.

All our programs are tried and tested. We have helped thousands of satisfied people overcome their difficulties and our programs have an average rating of 4.6 out of 5 stars (340 reviews).
"I love the fact that I get feedback on the worksheets every day, sometimes several times a day. I prefer the online therapy to a traditional one, because when you go in for a weekly face-to-face therapy, you have to wait for feedback until you go back." Chris C

How does CBT online work?

It helps you to identify and challenge your specific problems

CBT is a problem-specific and pragmatic approach since it helps you to identify your specific problems and then gives you therapeutic tools so that you can overcome those problems. CBT differs from many other therapies by having a clear predetermined structure, rather than the person talking/thinking freely about whatever comes to mind. Compared to traditional therapy, it also focuses on what is happening in your life here and now, rather than exploring what happened in the past.
It teaches you to think in a different way

CBT is particularly well developed and empirically supported in cases where clients frequently experience excessively negative thoughts that arise automatically, even in response to stimuli that might otherwise be experienced as positive. CBT helps you understand the importance of thinking and how it affects how you feel and what you do. This very much includes learning to record your thoughts and looking at them more realistically.
It helps you to unlearn unwanted reactions

CBT is based on the scientifically supported assumption that most emotional and behavioral reactions are learned. Therefore, the goal of the therapy is to help you unlearn your unwanted reactions and to learn a new way of reacting.
Supports you with hands-on tools

Each of the eight sections in our program is comprised of both reading material and practical activities. You will use worksheets and create your own activity plan and diary. These are very important parts of CBT and will give you and your therapist the foundation to work from in overcoming your problems. If you thoroughly complete all of these activities, we guarantee that you will make the most of our programs and get the best results. These tools will make you look at and think about problems and situations in a different way.
It provides long-term results

The educational emphasis of CBT has an additional benefit in that it leads to long-term results. When people understand how and why they are doing well, they know what to do to continue doing well. Everything you learn from our programs can be used over and over again. Your therapist will show you how you can stay in control of your problems and manage your own recovery on a long-term basis.

For a detailed overview of what’s included when you sign up for our services, please check out our “How it works” page.
[*]This is for professionals who wants to learn CBT for their practice : _https://www.beckinstitute.org/get-training/online-training/
[/list]

I personnally will not have time to test it out for this summer, if someone wants to test it and have the money for it, it will be very welcome. It seems to focus on short-term related problem, how about long term goals ?
 
Dear obyvatel, Laura and Nico, thank you for the valuable input.

I have registered at online-therapy.com for a month-long course and am filling up the Getting to Know You section right now. I'm finding it somewhat hard to pinpoint what my problem actually is. I guess I can start with anxiety.
 
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