A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the USA

Bernhard

Jedi Master
A Message from John Cleese (member of the legendary Monty Python comic group)
To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.


Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.


2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.


Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.


There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.


4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.


Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.


6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good.
When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.


8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.


10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.


12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


13. You will cease playing American football.
There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.


14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.


God save the Queen.

Only He can.


John Cleese
 
Sounds like a small price to pay to get a tea time break every evening at 4pm. Yummm, strawberries and cake to boot! Awesome!
 
Has the man who starred on many an anti smoking advert in britain never pondered upon such a thing as the Americans never got independence in the first place. Funny , but not funny mr Cleese.
 
the rabbit said:
Has the man who starred on many an anti smoking advert in britain never pondered upon such a thing as the Americans never got independence in the first place. Funny , but not funny mr Cleese.
Yes, sure it got a few lines worth a chuckle but It mostly reflects on him and his world-view.
 
Something similar was posted by Laura in the "Tickle Me" section earlier

see the thread below

http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=6546
 
LOL

Ryan said:
I thought it was hilarious. Maybe it's just me?
Nope, not just you ;) Of course one can have a chuckle about every nation's...shall we say...idiosyncrasies.
It's just more fun doing it with Americans, because of their arrogance, and on a more serious note because of everyone's bitterness of the pain they're causing others. Kind of a way to get back at them.

The other night we watched that movie "The Guardian" with Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher. The movie is about sea rescue, and in the movie Kevin Costner teaches the new young rescue swimmers all about being in the coast guard. Then there's this one bit where he says something to the effect of America has the best coast guard in the world, that's why "Katrina" was such a success. We almost fell off our chairs :rolleyes:
 
I found this really funny too. It has been around for a while, and is also known as 'Revocation of Your Independence'. It most likely was not written by John Cleese.

See _http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

Snopes said:
Claim: Monty Python member John Cleese penned a satirical piece announcing the revocation of America's independence.

Status: False

Example: [Collected on the Internet, 2004]
If you're interested, the Snopes page has lots of information about the origins of the 'Revocation of Independence'.

Snopes said:
Origins: Just as most any anonymous piece of cynically humorous satire about American politics and culture ends up eventually being attributed to comedian George Carlin, so the same kind of material gets credited to English comic John Cleese when it evinces a British viewpoint on American affairs. Unlike his fellow Monty Python trouper Terry Jones, however, Mr. Cleese doesn't generally pen this sort of political levity.

The genesis of this article is a long and convoluted one. It evidently originated on with one Alan Baxter of Rochester, U.K., who wrote and posted a much shorter, four-item version to an internal newsgroup hosted by his employer in November 2000, as a wry commentary on the recently concluded (but far from decided) U.S. presidential election:
 
I'm very aware that the US never really cut the ties with England. However, I still found this John Cleese bit rather hilarious and I had to laugh out loud when I first read it. And who knows, maybe Mr. Cleese is aware of the deeper issues as well. We don't know that. And maybe he didn't write it, but it is so "monty python" -like that it could easily be from him. I've always enjoyed his humor and Monty Python in general. There is much wisdom in their humor and very political in many ways. "Life of Brian" and "The Meaning of Life" hits many taboo subjects right on. Also the "Spanish Inquisition" sketch as posted on SOTT has a deeper meaning. I just like the englisch "black" humor in general. Sure it's just my subjective taste.

And also, I live now in the US but grew up in Germany, so I can very much relate to points 7, 11, 13 and 14 on his list. Having lived here now for 12 years I still can't get used to the beer (more like soda with alcohol) , american football and I would never buy an american car....lol!.......also calling a national sports the "World Series" just shows the arrogance and ignorance of the american mainstream mindset.
So whoever wrote this, kudos to him/her!
 
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