Acceptance

[obyvatel]

I work in an environment which has periods of intense, high stakes stress. When I got really exposed to these situations in the sense of being right in the middle of metaphorical "firefights", I found that my habitual way of dealing with it, while getting the job done, was taking too big a toll on myself. So I started to look carefully at people at work who seemed to handle stress well and were habitually called upon to fight fires. The key thing I could discern in them was what I call the attitude of acceptance. I remember one of the meetings where one guy was saying "if only we did not do this, we would not be here at this late hour and deal with this insane level of pressure from inside and outside the organization". Another guy simply said "if not this, then maybe we would be here for something else". This latter comment struck me because my inner attitude was exactly that of the first guy.

When faced with a situation, we have a choice of saying "yes" or saying "no" to it. Saying "yes" is acceptance; saying "no" is rejection. What we are facing in the moment is reality. It can be hard and stressful - no doubt about that, but it is "what is". And we all eventually get down to the business of dealing with it one way or the other.

We can say "no" to an unpleasant situation when it arises. Then we can go about dealing with it with the attitude of resignation. What is the corresponding bodily sense of dealing with reality from this attitude? In my experience, it is accompanied by a sense of heaviness; sometimes with accompanying narratives of being a victim and then setting up a posture of fighting to not be a victim but defeat the "enemy", whatever that might be. I have spent most of my life with this attitude. It got things done. Setting things up as a struggle can get the body into the fight mode with sympathetic activation, producing the energy to deal with the situation. While this attitude gets things done, it also has a host of unwanted and unpleasant side effects. Also in this scheme of things, if our energy reserves are low, and there is not enough in the tank to "fight", then the other options of "flight" or "freeze" would hold sway. Neither of these latter options are adaptive towards the reality of the situation.

Another option is to say "yes" reflexively to every situation, pleasant or unpleasant. This is the attitude of acceptance. Whether normal or not, this is the present moment and wishing it were otherwise serves no useful purpose as far as I can see. When we say "yes", we are just acknowledging that this is the present state of affairs. Then we can choose to act. What we do can sometimes be very similar whether we start from "yes" or "no" - but starting from "yes" saves energy and sometimes enables us to see more possibilities for dealing with the situation. Saying "yes" simply means acknowledging what is happening instead of going with "no, this can't be happening" or "if only things were different". Saying "yes" in this sense does not imply a moral agreement with what is happening.

This general dynamic holds true in different contexts. When I feel unpleasant emotions (fear for example) or get into unwanted self-states (a needy "I" seeking validation from others for example), the tendency is to say "no" and cover these up with narratives or distractions. Accepting these emotions and states while not letting them take control of my behavior is being more authentic and wholesome. Here also accepting does not mean condoning or encouraging - it just means acknowledging that "this is what I am feeling" and "this is also a part of me". If I cannot accept myself in this way - can I be authentic in my interaction with others?

So nowadays I try to adopt the attitude of "yes". It is difficult because I have been doing just the opposite throughout my life so far. For new circuits to build, it will take a lot of repetition. But I think it is worth striving for.

 

[luke wilson]

I can't think of where I read this right now, but one way of accepting something that is stressful than simply saying yes/no, is to

a) Notice how you are feeling in that situation i.e. acknowledgement which takes self observation and awareness.
b) Take notice the narrative that you will weave automatically i.e. your habitual nature e.g. the 1st guy in your story.
c) Usually at this stage someone might try and undo the narrative and take an oppositional stance but apparently this will not lead to acceptance.
d) Accept how you feel i.e. feel the feeling whilst attempting to nullify the narrative i.e. not reject it but rather have your attention taken by the emotion rather than the intellectual narration. What you want is a quietening of the narration, not another voice saying the opposite of what one voice was telling you.

If you feel that feeling long enough, eventually it'll lead to acceptance where your Being will start to adopt a different stance.

For me personally, I find the hardest part is in the self-forgetting. Usually, you fall into a pattern when struck by such a situation where a combination of both the emotion and the mechanical mental narration runs down my energy. Taking an oppositional stance to how I am feeling also does the same e.g. saying I should be happy when I am sad, or I should be less stressed when I am stressed etc... Instead, in the few chances I have taken the moment to quiet down my mind (the narration which does usually act to hinder feeling directly)) and dive straight into the feeling and actually feel the emotion with acceptance I have found that I wasn't weighed down as much.

PS: I read the above somewhere... didn't make it up. I'll try to search it up in the evening.

 

[Altair]

Thank you for sharing, obyvatel. I think what you saying can be summarized as follows: if you can't change a situation you can at least change your perception of it (to cope better with it). My 2 cents. :)

 

[Yas]

Another option is to say "yes" reflexively to every situation, pleasant or unpleasant. This is the attitude of acceptance. Whether normal or not, this is the present moment and wishing it were otherwise serves no useful purpose as far as I can see. When we say "yes", we are just acknowledging that this is the present state of affairs. Then we can choose to act. What we do can sometimes be very similar whether we start from "yes" or "no" - but starting from "yes" saves energy and sometimes enables us to see more possibilities for dealing with the situation. Saying "yes" simply means acknowledging what is happening instead of going with "no, this can't be happening" or "if only things were different". Saying "yes" in this sense does not imply a moral agreement with what is happening.

Thank you for sharing, obyvatel. I think what you saying can be summarized as follows: if you can't change a situation you can at least change your perception of it (to cope better with it). My 2 cents. :)

Yes, thank you for sharing. It reminds me of a stoic principle that says that you have to divide the circumstances in things that you can change and things that don't depend on you, so when you come across this things that you can't change, you have to accept them as they are instead of wishing they were different. Or it was something like that.

It also reminds me of Gurdjieff talking about getting mad because of the weather, and how we waste our energy complaining about it.

Another thing that came to my mind is something I've once heard from someone, he said that stress is actually when you are in a situation but wishing to be in another one. He said that it was due to the distance between reality and what we wished our reality to be. So he gave an example saying that we are stuck in the traffic and we are wishing to be where we are heading. Instead of that, he said, what we could do is try to accept the fact that we are stuck in the traffic and be present in here, instead of being, with our minds and wishful thinking, in another place. I've found that to be interesting when i heard it.

I can't think of where I read this right now, but one way of accepting something that is stressful than simply saying yes/no, is to

a) Notice how you are feeling in that situation i.e. acknowledgement which takes self observation and awareness.
b) Take notice the narrative that you will weave automatically i.e. your habitual nature e.g. the 1st guy in your story.
c) Usually at this stage someone might try and undo the narrative and take an oppositional stance but apparently this will not lead to acceptance.
d) Accept how you feel i.e. feel the feeling whilst attempting to nullify the narrative i.e. not reject it but rather have your attention taken by the emotion rather than the intellectual narration. What you want is a quietening of the narration, not another voice saying the opposite of what one voice was telling you.

If you feel that feeling long enough, eventually it'll lead to acceptance where your Being will start to adopt a different stance.

For me personally, I find the hardest part is in the self-forgetting. Usually, you fall into a pattern when struck by such a situation where a combination of both the emotion and the mechanical mental narration runs down my energy. Taking an oppositional stance to how I am feeling also does the same e.g. saying I should be happy when I am sad, or I should be less stressed when I am stressed etc... Instead, in the few chances I have taken the moment to quiet down my mind (the narration which does usually act to hinder feeling directly)) and dive straight into the feeling and actually feel the emotion with acceptance I have found that I wasn't weighed down as much.

PS: I read the above somewhere... didn't make it up. I'll try to search it up in the evening.

I think you're right that it isn't as simple as saying yes/no, but I don't think Obyvatel was implying that...

He said:

This general dynamic holds true in different contexts. When I feel unpleasant emotions (fear for example) or get into unwanted self-states (a needy "I" seeking validation from others for example), the tendency is to say "no" and cover these up with narratives or distractions. Accepting these emotions and states while not letting them take control of my behavior is being more authentic and wholesome. Here also accepting does not mean condoning or encouraging - it just means acknowledging that "this is what I am feeling" and "this is also a part of me". If I cannot accept myself in this way - can I be authentic in my interaction with others?

So I guess that he isn't saying we should necessarily accept a stressful situation per se, but accepting what we feel towards that situation and finding other ways to deal with it consciously... OSIT

But what you said also reminded me of something from this article: The positivity of negative thinking

Consider the technique of positive visualization, a staple not only of Robbins-style seminars but also of corporate team-building retreats and business best sellers. According to research by the psychologist Gabriele Oettingen and her colleagues, visualizing a successful outcome, under certain conditions, can make people less likely to achieve it. She rendered her experimental participants dehydrated, then asked some of them to picture a refreshing glass of water. The water-visualizers experienced a marked decline in energy levels, compared with those participants who engaged in negative or neutral fantasies. Imagining their goal seemed to deprive the water-visualizers of their get-up-and-go, as if they'd already achieved their objective.

Or take affirmations, those cheery slogans intended to lift the user's mood by repeating them: "I am a lovable person!" "My life is filled with joy!" Psychologists at the University of Waterloo concluded that such statements make people with low self-esteem feel worse - not least because telling yourself you're lovable is liable to provoke the grouchy internal counterargument that, really, you're not.

So, by just saying "yes" or the opposite in this way, can actually generate more stress because it makes the contradiction of our perception even more visible. But I think that's not really accepting, that's just more wishful thinking coming from not really accepting what one is feeling in a particular situation.

 

[Scottie]

Consider the technique of positive visualization, a staple not only of Robbins-style seminars but also of corporate team-building retreats and business best sellers. According to research by the psychologist Gabriele Oettingen and her colleagues, visualizing a successful outcome, under certain conditions, can make people less likely to achieve it. She rendered her experimental participants dehydrated, then asked some of them to picture a refreshing glass of water. The water-visualizers experienced a marked decline in energy levels, compared with those participants who engaged in negative or neutral fantasies. Imagining their goal seemed to deprive the water-visualizers of their get-up-and-go, as if they'd already achieved their objective.

Or take affirmations, those cheery slogans intended to lift the user's mood by repeating them: "I am a lovable person!" "My life is filled with joy!" Psychologists at the University of Waterloo concluded that such statements make people with low self-esteem feel worse - not least because telling yourself you're lovable is liable to provoke the grouchy internal counterargument that, really, you're not.

So, by just saying "yes" or the opposite in this way, can actually generate more stress because it makes the contradiction of our perception even more visible. But I think that's not really accepting, that's just more wishful thinking coming from not really accepting what one is feeling in a particular situation.

Well, this gets down more to the practical aspect, IMO. No one likes a person who says No too much, usually because saying "No" is done in an emotional way. Generally, if I expect too much of myself, that probably really means that I expect that others expect too much of me. Obviously, this leads to problems. "No no no! You don't appreciate me! You don't love me!" and so on.

On the other hand, everyone loves a person who always says Yes. Emotionally, this is highly satisfying to the asker, but to the askee, it still depends on how that person deals with it. There is "Yes" with acceptance as obyvatel illustrated, and then there is an emotional "Yes" where the Yesser is still stressing themselves out to no end - but will probably hide it, possibly to appear "good".

And really, when you think about it, whether or not you say Yes or No doesn't necessarily have any effect on how much you get done. I can say no and get 50 things done in 5 minutes, or I can say yes and get 50 things done in 5 minutes.

If 5 people ask me to do something, and each thing will take 1 day to finish, and I have only 2 days, then there is no point in me saying yes to all 5 requests. It may make everyone feel good in the short run, but if I know I can't finish all 5 things, then in the long term 3 of those people will be unhappy because I said I would do those things, but couldn't.

Both Yessers and Noers can react in the same way, but at different times. The Noer will rebel and reject and get worked up immediately. The Yesser will appear to accept, but secretly be stressed, project their frustration on others more slowly or covertly, etc. Either way, eventually the body will say NO! ;D

The fact is that there is no human being on this planet who is capable of doing everything. Something always has to give, and it does. The question is how we handle it. As Oby said, those who take things in stride are not getting worked up - they're just handling things as they come - Yes or No. Naturally, that means that they didn't get that report finished, or Project A was put on hold for a few days, and so on. And if someone asks, they'll just say, "Yeah, I'm gonna get on that ASAP. We just had a meltdown on Project B, so I got sidetracked on putting that fire out." And that's it.

If the other person wants to get worked up that Project A is not done, then let them. They are free to do so. We aren't responsible for other people's feelings - although most of us have sure been trained to think that we are!

So, I think acceptance is very much about handling our own reactions and perceptions, and very little about if we're saying Yes or No. IOW, it's not about the words, but about our internal state, our emotions, how we say Yes or No, others' emotions, etc.

That's exactly what Obyvatel was getting at I think, but it helped me to break it down like this, so, well, there you have it.

 

[MusicMan]

Scottie, I think you nailed it.

 

[Yas]

Scottie, I think you nailed it.

Yes! Thanks Scottie! :)

 

[RedFox]

This is something that has been on my mind recently too, as my default way of reacting is the same as you obyvatel

I did find a few additional things that may help expand on acceptance.

a) Notice how you are feeling in that situation i.e. acknowledgement which takes self observation and awareness.
b) Take notice the narrative that you will weave automatically i.e. your habitual nature e.g. the 1st guy in your story.
c) Usually at this stage someone might try and undo the narrative and take an oppositional stance but apparently this will not lead to acceptance.
d) Accept how you feel i.e. feel the feeling whilst attempting to nullify the narrative i.e. not reject it but rather have your attention taken by the emotion rather than the intellectual narration. What you want is a quietening of the narration, not another voice saying the opposite of what one voice was telling you.

Saying 'yes' to and accepting the bodies stress response to being faced with a situation where it may or may not be needed has helped me greatly. For me acceptance also meant allowing myself to feel safe with the stress response kicking in (even if it wasn't logical that it should kick in).
The video "How to make stress your friend" has a bit more on that (here).

In short it comes down to the belief that stress is good or bad for you. If you believe All stress is bad (from perhaps having chronic stress or having social rejection tied to memories of high stress situations) then stress gets tied to danger signals. That is, feeling stress means something is dangerous - which activates the stress response more and becomes a negative feedback loop. It looks like this can reach a point where the stress response becomes non-existent in times when you need it and chronically active in other situations that don't need it (when you should be in a relaxed/safe state).
Those that handled stress well where the ones that knew it wouldn't last, that they could handle it (even if they didn't know how), and who had good social connections/networks (that they could share the experience with others to wind down and feel safe again - stress regulation through social connection)!

The other thing I found recently that was getting in the way of accepting situations and handling stress gracefully (without getting More stressed than was needed to handle the situation) is related to perfectionism and stress avoidance - that of expectation vs reality. If I had unrealistic (i.e. untested) expectations of 'how things should be' that created a huge amount of additional stress when 'things didn't go my way'!

If you have an expectation of how things should be, then you're not actually accepting reality as it is. For me that came from years of feeling trapped (unable to work with stress) and thus stress avoidance through imagining 'how things will go'. Because my stress would ramp up so much (without knowing why) every time I tried to push through stress I'd fail to 'achieve what I wanted' and be overwhelmed with stress. This would drift into reinforcing beliefs about being a failure or worthless because I was unable to share how I felt with others (or so I thought).

I had to practice acceptance of stressful situations by paying attention to regulating my breathing (keeping my system from spiraling into self reinforcing stress) and how much I was applying 'expectation' to a situation vs paying attention to reality and the situation itself. The higher my stress levels went the more I drift into 'expectation' (and black and white thinking) and away from reality.

In short, accepting reality or something that requires a little short term stress to overcome became a runaway stress cycle until I was aware of all of the above and able to test these things in reality, rather than just stick with the 'safe' believing they where true.
I'd attempted to accept situations in the past but was unable to untangle the overblown stress response, even though I thought I'd said 'yes' to just getting on with it. This just reinforced the belief that I couldn't handle stress.

Saying 'yes' to paying attention to my bodies response to stress, accepting my beliefs formed around past stress and breathing deeply through the stress they wanted to trigger was how I was able to get past it. :)
Bringing my awareness to those 'unpleasant/bad' things whilst holding a safe place (acceptance of these things without judgement/narrative and slow controlled breathing to lower the stress response) is basically applying the method described here: Is it possible to rewire your brain to change bad habits, thoughts & feelings?

Still a work in progress though.

Incidentally I did find the psychological definition of all this, but to relationships. I figure it can apply to any part of reality we interact with.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parataxic_distortion

Parataxic distortion is a psychiatric term first used by Harry S. Sullivan to describe the inclination to skew perceptions of others based on fantasy. The "distortion" is a faulty perception of others, based not on actual experience with the other individual, but on a projected fantasy personality attributed to the individual. For example, when one falls in love, an image of another person as the “perfect match” or “soul mate” can be created when in reality, the other person may not live up to these expectations or embody the imagined traits at all.

The fantasy personality is created in part from past experiences and from expectations as to how the person 'should be', and is formulated in response to emotional stress. This stress can originate from the formation of a new relationship, or from cognitive dissonance required to maintain an existing relationship. Parataxic distortion serves as an immature cognitive defense mechanism against this psychological stress and is similar to Transference.

Parataxic distortion is difficult to avoid because of the nature of human learning and interaction. Stereotyping of individuals based on social cues and the classification of people into groups is a commonplace cognitive function of the human mind. Such pigeonholing allows for a person to gain a quick, though possibly inaccurate, assessment of an interaction. The cognitive processes employed, however, can have a distorting effect on the clear understanding of individuals. In essence, one can lose the ability to 'hear the other' through one's own projected beliefs of what the other person is saying.

 

[SeekinTruth]

Thanks for the thoughts, y'all. It reminded me a lot of Stoic ideas and approaches to life too.

 

[Andromeda]

So, I think acceptance is very much about handling our own reactions and perceptions, and very little about if we're saying Yes or No. IOW, it's not about the words, but about our internal state, our emotions, how we say Yes or No, others' emotions, etc.

That's exactly what Obyvatel was getting at I think, but it helped me to break it down like this, so, well, there you have it.

That's pretty much what I got from it. I think the point is that in any situation where you might have a tendency to say "no" or not accept something because it feels wrong, just saying 'no' and getting STUCK there can waste more energy than is needed, and it doesn't leave much room for finding solutions. That doesn't mean you should just accept everything and stay in "yes" mode, but that if your attitude is initially one of accepting what IS you can then say "but..." and with a clear view suggest a new direction or solution. It would work the same for a crisis situation at work or for dealing with your own emotions.

Having an initial negative reaction can sometimes be a good alarm and being too accepting can sometimes be a form of denial. It's how you deal with your reaction and the specific situation that makes all the difference. I guess the trick is to strike a balance between accepting what is and working toward the ideal. Having an idea of which attitude we tend toward, gives a good clue about how to counterbalance it if needed.

 

[luke wilson]

Thanks so much for introducing the term, 'Parataxic distortion'. This is something I have to explore personally.

Regarding stress as well, I think its important to recognize that we live in an environment where we are truly forced, through various mechanisms, to build expectations, which cannot be met. In this way, we live with constant stress. For example, beauty standards imposed on women through media, soulmate expectations, American dream plus much more are designed to create a bubble around us that reality cant match. The result is constant stress plus much more.

 

[Konstantin]

Thanks so much for introducing the term, 'Parataxic distortion'. This is something I have to explore personally.

Regarding stress as well, I think its important to recognize that we live in an environment where we are truly forced, through various mechanisms, to build expectations, which cannot be met. In this way, we live with constant stress. For example, beauty standards imposed on women through media, soulmate expectations, American dream plus much more are designed to create a bubble around us that reality cant match. The result is constant stress plus much more.

This is very interesting for me. I have always high expectations in my life. As a child from my parents and later from myself. Recently i started to make all those expectations less and less. Its not very easy. I didnt know how to formulate all that in words, but now this thread helped me a lot. I must continue to eliminate or at least minimize expectations in life because it brings just more and more stress, and your life will be no better. My main expectations were about my job/ my work, and it all bring me an enormous stress. Saying yes in the term of accepting that work in the moment reduced my expectations and some of the stress.

I have always saying that i will never be satisfied with anything less then i expected in life, and that kind of thinking bring me a lot of stress and nervous. I`m trying to change this thinking pattern as much as i can now.

Accepting current condition is the key step. Later we can think and see if we can change that situation or not. If you can make it better, then change it if not then just accept it as it is. Its the reality and you cant deny reality.

 

[Kasia]

So, I think acceptance is very much about handling our own reactions and perceptions, and very little about if we're saying Yes or No. IOW, it's not about the words, but about our internal state, our emotions, how we say Yes or No, others' emotions, etc.

Agree, actually everything is in our mind, in a way it interprets.

mod: quote box fixed

 

[luke wilson]

I think its also important to distinguish between acceptance and resignation. Just because you accept something e.g. an unpleasant reality, doesn't mean you are resigning yourself to it. Acceptance, if anything, is acknowledgement, which is the first step to healing or instigating transformation. OSIT

 

[genero81]

Acceptance is a topic I've given some thought to. It has occurred to me that one's state of being comes into play where acceptance is concerned. There have been times when a solid dose of reality has caused a certain amount of suffering to occur. After which a state of humility and acceptance were adopted. Those two things seem to go hand in hand. When one is in a more self serving state of being, feelings of entitlement, fear, and expectation of outcomes (anticipation) make acceptance almost impossible, or very difficult at best. So now a lot of things come to mind; Knowledge, Being, Understanding. It's not like I can just wake up in the morning and declare, "I think I will be humble and accepting today." A long period of Knowledge gathering and personal experience give rise to a certain understanding and perspective.

An example; it was quite a few years ago that I read the transcript where the C's said: "You (the human race) are an experiment. You are not in control of yourselves." Now after reading the psychology books, 'Strangers to Ourselves,' etc. and seeing in real time how the masses are deceived by the media and believe the opposite of what is true, I begin to understand this. It's more that just an idea or concept. It's part of my awareness, my perspective. How I see myself and the world has changed. Now it's not so easy to think so highly of myself. Humility and acceptance come a little easier.

But what Andromeda pointed out is important; being in a state of acceptance doesn't mean we do nothing. We have our ideas about how to have healthier relationships, healthier communities.

I can't say I know where I'm going with this. We're STS beings moving in an STO direction. It seems to me acceptance plays a part in that with the right understanding and perspective.

Some thoughts, FWIW

Modify: correction of text