Advice needed.

[luke wilson]

I want to know if this is MY problem or if it is a normal reaction.

Basically, I live in a house with other people. One of these persons has the need or desire to play his music really loud and at the worst possible times. Mid-afternoon or evenings, when one is trying to read/study be busy and productive. It really annoys me, his music, having to always have to listen to it with no choice whatsoever.

I have thought about just confronting him and telling him to turn it down but I fear the conflict that will arise. I asked my other housemates for there opinion and they agree with me but in a slightly different way, in that they dont like his TYPE of music, not how loud he plays it.

Also recently I have been noticing exactly how much music people listen to. For example, in my house, said housemate, listens to his music not as much as the others, he listens to it, in multiple short bursts during the day, ranging from 20 minutes a session to maybe 2 hours. The rest listen to there music constantly, all day long but play it so that no one else can hear it but nonetheless if you walk into there rooms, music is always playing.

For some weird reason, I am hypersensitive to music, in that, sometimes, I just want quiet and it irritates me to always have to listen to 2nd degree 'noise' coming through the walls. The rest, just turn there music up to drown out said housemates music when he is playing it.

My question is, what should I do? Just suck it up? I have thought about the question of self-importance and entitlement, about my 'fear' of 'perceived' confrontation and my non-action in this regard being a form of a buffer and I dont know which is right. I am irritated because I feel like it is invading my space and I feel like I have a right to have my space how I want it, I mean, everyone else does what they want to do and fight for what they want, so why shouldnt I? But I also fear confrontation, he will probably say he doesnt play it that loud or he will simply just ignore my request or forget it and continue as before, so I dont know. I have thought about retaliation, in buying my own set of powerful speakers and playing music that I know he doesnt like really loud, especially because I know he doesnt like 'noise' when his music isnt playing(another thing of controlling your own environment) e.g. when he is trying to concentrate on work, which is something he told me personally. The logic being, he will come and confront me about it and I will say he does exactly the same thing so I will only stop IF he stops. Chances are I wont follow this option because it will involve, money and time, money to buy speakers and time to play music long enough and consistently enough to irritate. This is a 'small' problem but 'small' problems can be very irritating e.g. a fly, flying and buzzing on your face, ears etc but I feel like, I should atleast resolve it in my head if not in real life and get to the bottom of the conflict that arises in me when I am experiencing this irritation which is pretty much daily, like NOW at the time of this posting.

 

[andi]

I'd say no confrontation, just invite him for a talk and say what you feel and how it affects you. If he is willing to listen and does care about it at all, then maybe try and understand why he is doing it. Ask him questions, is he depressed, does he need any help, etc.
Then again, if it bothers you - look inside you more in depth. Write it done by structuring it simple; ask the obvious questions and answer yourself sincerely.

What I usually do when non of this works, I do like they do and walk their shoes and find out why they do it. That is, do just like them but without the same intent. Do it! How do you feel; are you relived, and you experiencing guilt ...find out!
In any case, just breath before and be clear minded.
FWIW

 

[Mrs. Peel]

I want to know if this is MY problem or if it is a normal reaction.

Hi Luke

I also don't like listening to music when I just want quiet. I went through my share of noisy roommates when I went to business school. Did you choose these particular people to live with or did you just move in with "strangers"? If they ARE your "friends" then I'd politely ask him to turn down the music. He is being thoughtless and rude by subjecting everyone to his loud music. But your retaliation idea is just childish, stooping to his level. I do notice most people seem afraid of silence anymore, always needing "background" noise of music or TV. Could it be that he is just really unaware ofhow the noise is affecting you? It seems you're not going to get much help from your other roommates.

If he refuses to turn the music down, then you have two options. Put up with it, or move. If you do relocate, maybe set some groundrules with the other housemates about this type of thing BEFORE you move in.

 

[herondancer]

Hi luke wilson,

Is there a reason he doesn't use headphones? I live with a lot of people too, who all have different tastes in music, and watch a lot of videos online. Everyone wears headphones or earbuds when they have something audio going, so the general sound atmosphere is pretty quiet, except for keyboards. Is there some particular reason he needs to have the music playing out loud? Maybe he is moving around a lot. That's another question to ask.

 

[luke wilson]

I have known all my other housemates since I started university but I didnt know of the person in question until this year. He is a friend of one of my other housemates so I had no idea of how he would be.

Could it be that he is just really unaware ofhow the noise is affecting you?

Well, he has come to my room acouple of times when his music is playing and commented on how loud it is and that he should turn it down. On all occassions when he has done this, noted how loud his music is and that it can be annoying to another person in another room, I have agreed with him but I didnt show my frustration or express exactly how unpleasant I feel about it so that he would know exactly what I thought of it. To me, he just seems like, when he is locked up in his room with his music, he is in a 'subjective' bubble and doesnt think nor care about someone else, lets say me, in my room trying to do my work.

It seems you're not going to get much help from your other roommates.

Well, I have spoken about it to one of my housemates and he ahs advised me to go tell him but neither of us knows how I should do it. He doesnt really care that much as to confront him, but I DO! The thoughts were, he might just forget and go back to playing it loud.

I should explain that, I live in a student house and 'student' behaviour is the rule. There is lack of respect for property, alcohol is consumed in dangerously high amounts, life is about, getting good grades and having fun to the max the only way most 20 something year olds know how to.. That means, drugs(of the smoking variety), girls(flesh related, not emotionally speaking), vandalism, loud music, alcoholism, parties, excessive materiality sort of mentality etc. So you are right about not getting much help from others, atleast via non-confrontational means.

Hi luke wilson,

Is there a reason he doesn't use headphones? I live with a lot of people too, who all have different tastes in music, and watch a lot of videos online. Everyone wears headphones or earbuds when they have something audio going, so the general sound atmosphere is pretty quiet, except for keyboards. Is there some particular reason he needs to have the music playing out loud? Maybe he is moving around a lot. That's another question to ask.

He uses headphones, only when he is in bed though, otherwise he likes his speakers. It is one of those, I have this awesome amazing speakers and I intend on using them. Abit like, check out my plasma TV only in this case, it is annoying little loud speakers that make stuff in my room vibrate.

Is there some particular reason he needs to have the music playing out loud?

Because he likes it.

Maybe he is moving around a lot.

What do you mean by he is moving around alot?

Another background piece of information: This has followed me in all my years at university no matter where I live. Before, I had a housemate, who played music LOUD, like really LOUD and I confronted him and despite that, it didnt really change. He still kept doing it and saying it is not that loud etc and sometimes he just did it to be malicious because he liked it and I soon realised with him it is all about power. In that case, I stopped living with him. It took 2 years to build up the strength to confront and actually stand my ground resulting in me shifting houses, eventhough I lied as to the reason of no longer living with him. Now, again, I am stuck with another person with the desire to entertain the whole world with his music tastes. Again I am met with my fear of confrontation. I am the type of person that evades confrontation due to multiple reasons. I dont like how it makes me feel and I dont think they result in positive change so I have apprehension. Seeing that I am facing the same kind of issue, again, could it be because of some lesson? A sort of the universe reflecting back something about me?

 

[brog]

I think it would be best to talk to everyone about it at the same time. Your main goal should be to make them aware of your experience and to avoid defensive reaction. Do not single anyone out or focus on the actions of others.

Start by creating a shared understanding about the house culture of constant music. Then honestly state the effects this environment has on you. You will have to think hard about this and make sure to consider your roommates' value systems. Let them know why silence is crucial to you. Tell them how you need their help in this because silence cannot be created by putting other sounds over top.

You can then assess their reaction and decide where to go in terms of behavior modification or house rules, such as scheduled headphone only times. I would recommend to proceed extremely cautiously here, even if things appear to go perfectly. They will surely discuss the situation without you, and it only takes one comment to change their perspective to group defence.

In any event it will be a good experiment to see if these are personalities you should be around. Best case scenario they just did not realize and will happily accommodate your wishes. Worst case scenario they will see it as a declaration of war, and will commence full scale house warfare actions against you. If the reaction resembles the latter I would start looking for a new place to live.

 

[brog]

After reading the other posts maybe I change my mind. If you only have a problem with one roommate and the other roommates agree with you then you could probably just talk to him separately. You still need to avoid a defensive reaction, but you don't need to be as careful, especially if he noted that he was loud earlier. Just tell him that you were not honest earlier when you said it didn't bother you as you didn't want any conflict between you, but that you would appreciate it if he used headphones at certain times. You can then wait to see how he reacts.

 

[Palinurus]

Hi Luke,

Have you ever thought about this problem the other way around? I mean why not use earplugs that block external sounds completely or to a minimum or just acceptable levels? I happen to know that you can have tailormade earplugs available in any store that sells hearing aids and similar equipments. Easy way to have any silence you want at any time you need it.

Just my 2 cents...

 

[luke wilson]

Hi Luke,

Have you ever thought about this problem the other way around? I mean why not use earplugs that block external sounds completely or to a minimum or just acceptable levels? I happen to know that you can have tailormade earplugs available in any store that sells hearing aids and similar equipments. Easy way to have any silence you want at any time you need it.

Just my 2 cents...

Actually I was thinking about that just today. I think this is what I will do...

Since I started this thread, like 3 hours have passed, and that music is still blazing!! Unbelivable.

 

[Keit]

Well, I have spoken about it to one of my housemates and he ahs advised me to go tell him but neither of us knows how I should do it. He doesnt really care that much as to confront him, but I DO! The thoughts were, he might just forget and go back to playing it loud.

I think that if it bothers you, nothing wrong with bringing it to his attention, but it would probably depend on the way you'll do it. If you'll approach it as a confrontation, then you'll get a confrontation. And having a conflict with a roommate is not a really pleasant thing. Most importantly, don't do it when you are angry, but wait for the right opportunity, like next time he'll come to your room or if you'll be sitting together in the living room (if you have one). Here are some thoughts, but you'll know best if they are applicable in your case.

Be friendly and share with him that recently you've been working on things or studying something that requires concentration, or just in the mood for some peace and quiet. Perhaps share that you have a lot on your mind (don't know if you are on this level of closeness though) and you would greatly appreciate if he would lower the volume. Don't make it as if he has the problem but that it is you who need your quiet. Maybe even leave a room for compromise, like, for example, he could play his music loudly on weekends. Present it as if you are sharing with him and looking for best solution for both of you. If he remarked about the noise himself in the past, it is possible that he isn't really aware how much it is bothering because no one told him about it, and it is easier to leave the things as they are. Maybe go with the friendly approach first, osit.

edit: spelling

 

[Skipling]

Hi Luke, I've got headphones, big chunky jobbies, and they totally block out any background noise. It helps if I want to meditate in the early evening without distraction, and only cost me about twenty notes.

The only problem I foresee from this scenario for you is that this'll do nothing about the vibrations in your room, and in fact may exacerbate the annoyance factor of them once you've only got them left to bother you. Irritations are like that, the gnaw away at you until you explode. Nip it in the bud man, and have a gentle word in his ear. Express your disappointment in him subtly, that he seems to care so little about your feelings while he's getting his jollies.

I totally empathise. I had a neighbour in Halls in London who played the most repetitive four to the floor rave music every night until 3am. It absolutely did my head in, and is probably at the root of why I loathe housey rave music. I danced for joy inside when he got kicked out for class B possession. But....I suffered for months.

 

[luke wilson]

I will talk to him about it. I am not angry(more irritated) but I am scared of the awkwardness that will arise during the conversation.

We are not close to each other as to talk about 'feelings' but nonetheless, I will simply say, that he plays his music to loud that I cannot concentrate when trying to work and furthermore that everything in my rooms vibrates when he plays it and I will highly appreciate it if he didnt play it that loud.

This is the worst possible scenario for me because I fail at delivering my feelings across to a 3rd party without making the whole situation awkward and uncomfortable.


Btw, the music just went off like 5 minutes ago. FINALLY, after a whole day worth of abuse!!

Skipling, I dance for joy whenever he is out the house but sadly this is rare as his course pretty much doesnt involve going out the house. It is sad that the situation has got to this level.

Thank you all for the advice.

I will write with the results of our meeting. It might be acouple of days though, need to build up strength and wait for a favourable opportunity before stepping forward.

 

[andi]

[quote author=luke wilson]
This is the worst possible scenario for me because I fail at delivering my feelings across to a 3rd party without making the whole situation awkward and uncomfortable.
[/quote]


That is self-importance right there. If you care about others, then you have to find ways to make it right.
From a logical point of view, if you are knowledgeable about the situation and are applying external-consideration - things should roll smooth.
If they don't, that's probably because you are already not accepting a negative answer, witch will prompt you to make harder decisions, like moving.

You may be creating this awkward situations because you want things to happen your way. Think about it! ;)

 

[luke wilson]

[quote author=luke wilson]
This is the worst possible scenario for me because I fail at delivering my feelings across to a 3rd party without making the whole situation awkward and uncomfortable.

That is self-importance right there. If you care about others, then you have to find ways to make it right.
From a logical point of view, if you are knowledgeable about the situation and are applying external-consideration - things should roll smooth.
If they don't, that's probably because you are already not accepting a negative answer, witch will prompt you to make harder decisions, like moving.

You may be creating this awkward situations because you want things to happen your way. Think about it! ;)
[/quote]

Yes I agree it is self-importance. This is something I suffer from and have been aware of it for awhile. I make things more awkward or uncomfortable than they ought to be because mostly of irrational fear. You could call this self-importance or to much identification.

 

[myth]

I have thought about just confronting him and telling him to turn it down but I fear the conflict that will arise. I asked my other housemates for there opinion and they agree with me but in a slightly different way, in that they dont like his TYPE of music, not how loud he plays it.

Don't make this about the "other housemates" make this about you. Because it is.

You need something resolved and their should be no reason to not speak up about it. What reason could you have besides worrying about not being a cool or popular or you'll lose your friends? Things will be fine. Or at least it will blow over!!

It can also create an opportunity for everyone to learn or become better friends! How great is that?!

But as some have said, this isn't about you being right, its about leaning more about communication and standing up for yourself. Whether your wrong or not is too hard to know without "being there".

Listen to your heart while you speak.