Advice needed.

[go2]

Luke, fear of communicating your perception of your house mates inconsiderate behavior is the problem. I often communicate with aggressive and inconsiderate people in a Twelve Step Group. Before approaching the person I say a simple prayer, “Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,” which is very effective at neutralizing my self-importance. This method reduces my fear and calms the other individual. Perhaps, a subliminal communication allows the other to hear and respect your needs without feeling judged or threatened.

I always initiate the communication in private. In your case I would say the prayer and knock on the house mate’s door and ask to speak with him. This respects the privacy of the other person, however if this respect is not returned I would not hesitate to repeat the method in the presence of other people. Some people are more difficult than others and require a community effort to restrain their behavior. This prayer and method has been tested hundreds of times with good results.

The prayer method is how I self-remember in relationship, especially with difficult people. The opportunity to observe your self and maintain presence in difficult circumstances is how we strengthen our being and reduce self importance. A few years of this effort and you will not fear any communication in your new role as a peacemaker. Have a go at it and don’t forget the prayer to set the tone of communication with your roommate.

Oh, I always make sure I can feel the boots on my feet to add gravity when I ask, "Lord, make me a channel of thy peace." :)

 

[Buddy]

[quote author=go2]
Luke, fear of communicating your perception of your house mates inconsiderate behavior is the problem.[/quote]

go2 is spot on. luke your problem frames up as a typical double-bind. The weakest part of this structure is where you can attack it. For emotional growth, it pays to see our issues in a constructive way and learn how to break these structures.

Look around you and notice stuff in your environment. Feel the temperature of the air on your skin, notice whatever you can taste in your mouth, smell the various smells around you and listen to all the sounds that you can distinguish, i.e., re-associate with the present moment. You will see that there is nothing pushing this problem at you or threatening your life or health. Your "commanding self" is conjuring it up as you go out of fear related to some past experience that probably bears no resemblance to the present.

It is the ghosts in our heads that frighten us at times like these, nothing more. The guy is not actually planning your torture and death is he? That might call for a different approach. :D

Take the time to calm yourself, get your body under full control and act as if there is NO negative emotion between you and him. Then go talk to him in a casual, relaxed way. Explain the situation exactly as it is.

You might even say that you can't study if you can't listen to your music, and you can't listen to your music if you can't hear it, and you can't hear it if his is turned up too loud. You might even ask him for his idea how to handle it.

Best thing to do is push yourself through this so that you can re-wire your brain with a new experience despite those more primitive and now automatic responses, OSIT.

Just an idea.

 

[Meager1]

I have thought about just confronting him and telling him to turn it down but I fear the conflict that will arise. I asked my other housemates for there opinion and they agree with me but in a slightly different way, in that they dont like his TYPE of music, not how loud he plays it.

If you don`t want a confrontation maybe when you become really annoyed by the music try yelling over at him to turn it up!

Hey dude turn that up... I can`t hear it in here! Then hope he does.

Won`t take long for the other roomer's or the neighbors even, who don`t like his music to get on him about it and that should solve your problem.
In the short term anyway.


Long term..

But as some have said, this isn't about you being right, its about leaning more about communication and standing up for yourself

 

[cubbex]

Get some earmuffs and don't care about them. And if you could, find other place to live. Or talk to them about the issue if the guy doesn't want to help or live peacefully and respecting others, then its obvious, fighing back or whatever gets you everytime to loose yourself.
Simple I think, and at the same time, it kind of makes you stronger.

 

[Jimbofirstround]

i am new here, however in reading your original post i would have a few things in mind for you to consider

" I have thought about just confronting him and telling him to turn it down but I fear the conflict that will arise. I asked my other housemates for there opinion and they agree with me but in a slightly different way, in that they dont like his TYPE of music, not how loud he plays it."

telling him to turn it down and explaining to him how you feel about it are different, demands will create the conflict you fear to arise whereas an explaination of the situation could garner some awakening to him

being afraid of the situation will not resolve it right, just ask him "I study at this time and it really is annoying for me to concentrate because i am hyper sensitive to sound" you might be quite surpised to find he may be sympathetic to your plight and say, "oh my gosh im so sorry i will try to not disturb you in the future"

also the roomates dont agree, since they care not about the volume and they do not bother him about it, they respect his will to play it as loud as he likes and probably find that a couple hours a day doesnt bug them, i am not saying this is fair for you, but for them its obviously not an issue or there would have been some discussion on the matter

"I am irritated because I feel like it is invading my space and I feel like I have a right to have my space how I want it, I mean, everyone else does what they want to do and fight for what they want, so why shouldnt I?"

well you share space with other individuals, if you truly desire your own space without invasion of others then perhaps moving to your own apartment would be better for you, since you are the only one in the group there with the issue, it feels like you would like to impose your desire for how this house should be upon them all, and i am not saying "its your issue get over it" im saying if you are somehwere that is not suitable for you perhaps its time to locate somewhere that is suitable for you since the others are fine with the situation

"But I also fear confrontation, he will probably say he doesnt play it that loud or he will simply just ignore my request or forget it and continue as before, so I dont know. I have thought about retaliation, in buying my own set of powerful speakers and playing music that I know he doesnt like really loud, especially because I know he doesnt like 'noise' when his music isnt playing(another thing of controlling your own environment) e.g. when he is trying to concentrate on work, which is something he told me personally."

this action would guarantee the confrontation you fear, perhaps because no one has posed to him that others feel the same as he does when they are wanting quiet time he may not be aware that anyone else cares about it because no one else has said anything , and you are making assumptions about what he will do and say in the situation , simply ask him in as nice and non-confrontational way as possible. dont forget for you it has been annoying as hell for a long time, but for him this is new

"The logic being, he will come and confront me about it and I will say he does exactly the same thing so I will only stop IF he stops. Chances are I wont follow this option because it will involve, money and time, money to buy speakers and time to play music long enough and consistently enough to irritate." this is exactly what will happen if you go to war with a battle of who can be louder and more annoying to eachother

i would say your logic in this area needs some adjustment, if the prime reason you arent "fighting" back is time and money rather than because of the desire to have some peace and quiet when you need it, just like he has said he does, then you arent fighting back for the right reason, if the environment the housemates agree upon is supposed to be fair, explain how you feel it is unfair that he doesnt allow others to be loud during his quiet time , but he himself is loud during others quiet time

also for myself if i was in this situation and needed to study daily and he is usually being loud at the same times everyday, perhaps you could not be in the house at those times, maybe make a point of going to the library at those times to ensure you have the environment you require for study

this whole situation isnt YOUR problem or HIS , it has simply arisen because neither of you are aware of the other persons views on the subject of how the house swould be best for everyone in it

rather than worry about the confrontation, make it a communication, if he is responsive you may find that things change for the better for the whole house,

as one of the others pointed out perhaps its time for a headphones only rule in the house, if he likes to move around a lot there are wireless headphones available thesedays, then he can be loud you can have quiet, and the others wont have to hear what they feel is his crappy music

if my advice doesnt suit your fancy then simply disregard it, however it doesnt hurt to try out something differnent now and then, and it may work out for everyone, hope this and all the other advice given here in this thread helps you get to the root of your issue and you get that peace and quiet you need for your studies

:)

 

[luke wilson]

Thank you all for the advice.

This is actually a simple problem and reading all the advice just shows me that. It is my wiring that is making it seem complicated to me.

Best thing to do is push yourself through this so that you can re-wire your brain with a new experience despite those more primitive and now automatic responses, OSIT.

It is the ghosts in our heads that frighten us at times like these, nothing more. The guy is not actually planning your torture and death is he? That might call for a different approach. Grin

This is so true.

Last night, we had a talk surprisingly about music and he was telling me how he cannot concentrate with loud music and I was agreeing with him and sharing my experience of trying to read and understand while there is background noise. Like, the noise takes away your concentration from your work or whatever it is your trying to understand. We pretty much have the same view on this.

The only problem I had, is I forgot to self-remember, I got so immersed in the situation, in the talk that I forgot to remember that this is the perfect opportunity to bring up my issue with the loud music and say something like, 'you know when you play your music really loud in the afternoons, I find it really hard to concentrate, maybe you could turn it down or use headphones etc?' I totally forgot!!!!!!

In that talk, all this conditions had been met but I failed to take advantage of the situation.

Take the time to calm yourself, get your body under full control and act as if there is NO negative emotion between you and him. Then go talk to him in a casual, relaxed way. Explain the situation exactly as it is.

I didnt even have to go to him, he came to me!!!! It was the perfect opportunity...

 

[Aiming]

I didnt even have to go to him, he came to me!!!! It was the perfect opportunity...

Annoying to let a perfect opportunity slip by, right? ;) But never mind, now you can simply walk up to him and say something like "Hey, you remember our talk recently about how loud music is really bad for concentrating on one's work? You see, I wanted to ask you whether there's a way we could find a compromise about when to play loud music, because it so happens that I'm often right in the middle of my work when you have your music time. What do you think we can do about that?"
Or something like that. Or maybe there'll be another opportunity like the one you decribed. In any case, this conversation with him has shown you that he'll understand and he's not out to harm you.

 

[Mrs. Peel]

The only problem I had, is I forgot to self-remember, I got so immersed in the situation, in the talk that I forgot to remember that this is the perfect opportunity to bring up my issue with the loud music and say something like, 'you know when you play your music really loud in the afternoons, I find it really hard to concentrate, maybe you could turn it down or use headphones etc?' I totally forgot!!!!!!

Hey Luke,

Not trying to make you feel bad, but geeze, this bothered you enough to write a post here and take time to reply to other's advice, and then you totally forgot about it when talking about the subject to the person who created the problem that bothered you enough to post about?

Seriously, if you forgot about your problem with his music right when you were face to face with him with the perfect opportunity, I wonder did you even prepare anything to say to him based on all the advice you were given here? If it all went "out the window" so easily, one may wonder if it was such a big problem in the first place.

 

[cubbex]

Why its interesting to me, is why you need help with this, he is not trying to kill you or whatever. If the case is to post every problem on my life I would write and make lot of threads to ask what to do with this people that bothers me.

The best, sometimes is to find the answers inside you Luke, why is so hard????

 

[andi]

Why its interesting to me, is why you need help with this, he is not trying to kill you or whatever. If the case is to post every problem on my life I would write and make lot of threads to ask what to do with this people that bothers me.

The best, sometimes is to find the answers inside you Luke, why is so hard????

Hi cubbex,

I do not agree. If Luke needs to deal with it this way, then that is the way he is most comfortable. And besides, he has got really good feedback that can serve a lot of people. As long as the noise is down, I don't think there is any problem with doing it that way. ;)

 

[KTC]

Oh the joys of house sharing. eeeek. From past experience I think you need to have a one on one chat with him before it festers and gets too personal. Before long the music issue becomes a dishes issue and blows up to a leaving dirty wet towels in the bathroom war zone.
Confrontation sucks for all of us but it comes with living in a share house and making it work. You have to be prepared to give a little and if you tackle it with a bit of tact hopefully he will be willing to give a little back. ie. if he likes to sleep in you can offer to be quiet for him then in exchange for him keeping the noise down in the arvo. There must be something you can exchange so its a win win situation.
For me the whole thinking about the confrontation is always worse than the event.
Have I missed the boat with this post?? Looks like you already dealt with it. Oh well, here's my priceless advice anyway :P

 

[luke wilson]

The only problem I had, is I forgot to self-remember, I got so immersed in the situation, in the talk that I forgot to remember that this is the perfect opportunity to bring up my issue with the loud music and say something like, 'you know when you play your music really loud in the afternoons, I find it really hard to concentrate, maybe you could turn it down or use headphones etc?' I totally forgot!!!!!!

Hey Luke,

Not trying to make you feel bad, but geeze, this bothered you enough to write a post here and take time to reply to other's advice, and then you totally forgot about it when talking about the subject to the person who created the problem that bothered you enough to post about?

Seriously, if you forgot about your problem with his music right when you were face to face with him with the perfect opportunity, I wonder did you even prepare anything to say to him based on all the advice you were given here? If it all went "out the window" so easily, one may wonder if it was such a big problem in the first place.

I know, it has been bothering me awhile now. I cannot believe I forgot so easily. The 'big problem' for me exists when the music is playing and I am trying to work. Outside that there is no problem. The problem with me is I forget in this situation. This coupled with my aversion to confront(I know it is not confrontation but in my mind it feels like a confrontation) I find I dont have the 'courage' strength' 'will power' to go see him when outside this window of irritation because it 'doesnt feel right' and I dont have that 'drive.' But during that 'window' of irritation I am tooo irritated because I take it 'personally' I know it isnt personal, but it feels personal(this is where self-importance comes in) and according to the advice given this is the wrong time to go speak to him about it.

Have I missed the boat with this post??

No you havent missed the boat with your take on the situation. I dont have any problem with him in any other arena except this though..

Thank you all for the advice.

I am patiently waiting for my next opportunity. Right now, I dont feel the burning ferocity that I felt during the original posting. That is because there is no music and nothing in my room is vibrating. Due to my recent lost opportunity, I remembered myself this morning and noticed that sometimes early in the morning, like today morning, he plays it as loud as he usually plays in the afternoon and I have noticed that in the mornings, when I am in bed, I dont take it personally, I dont have that self-importance, my whole state of being is I want to experience that moment for as long as possible of just before getting up and out of bed to start the daily routines. Infact I was very surprised how unpersonally I take it. I just noticed it this morning and was like 'wow' I actually, in a natural way, dont mind. However my state is different in the morning, I am lying in bed, I am feeling differently than I feel during the day because I am fresh from sleep and at that time I have no care in the world. However, once you get up and you get immersed in the day, things take a different turn. That is what I have found out. Somehow somewhere, a switch turns on and the self-importance aspect balloons. This is what it is all about, SELF-IMPORTANCE. And I have made a crucial observation, one that I hadnt noticed before, at some point, after sleeping, in the mornings as I am thinking of getting up out of bed, I have NO SELF IMPORTANCE, things are different, I feel different, then after getting up and starting my day, things change and normal wirings take effect.

This has never rang so true before: I actually felt it, not just intellectually acknowledged it with my mind but felt it with all my centres today morning, at that state, this was true:

Look around you and notice stuff in your environment. Feel the temperature of the air on your skin, notice whatever you can taste in your mouth, smell the various smells around you and listen to all the sounds that you can distinguish, i.e., re-associate with the present moment. You will see that there is nothing pushing this problem at you or threatening your life or health. Your "commanding self" is conjuring it up as you go out of fear related to some past experience that probably bears no resemblance to the present.

It is the ghosts in our heads that frighten us at times like these, nothing more. The guy is not actually planning your torture and death is he? That might call for a different approach. Grin

I am hoping the previous couple of paragraphs arent noise, I am trying to cut down on the noise. In general I started this thread, because this problem is a big problem for me where I feel I am coming up against primitive wiring within me that I am unable to overcome by myself. It is something that I face on a regular basis - this particular problem.

From objectivity, inorder to learn, if any part of this posting is noise, please show me what part. I tried to put everything relevant in as few words as I could master.

 

[truth seeker]

I am patiently waiting for my next opportunity.

Why are you waiting? My take is that you're trying to avoid dealing with the issue as Go2 and bud said. The only way that you'll get past this issue is by being proactive in your life. If you choose not to, this issue will present itself over and over again in different forms. This is easier said than done but it can be done.

I don't think you need to go into any lengthy explanation. A simple "Remember when you asked me if the music is too loud and I said it wasn't? I was wrong. I'd appreciate it if you'd turn it down as I need to study." will do.

What is it that you're afraid he will do, think or say? What's the worst thing you think will happen?

 

[luke wilson]

What is it that you're afraid he will do, think or say? What's the worst thing you think will happen?

That I will start mumbling, shaking, perspiring... I have been in this situations before and everytime it's the same old story and now I am reluctant to put myself there... Whatever plan I had beforehand, disappears within a flash, next thing I know a whole series of chemical reactions start taking place and I lose control of myself, I can't think, I can't talk straight. It is really horrible. I just can't do it as other people, it is very hard for me. And the thing that makes it really really bad is after putting all my effort to go and 'speak' after it happens that nothing changes or the discussion is soon forgotten etc.

I have thought about it practically, when do I go speak to him? When there is no music? That will seem so out of place, like a random thing. He will ask, why havent you ever come and expressed it before, then I will have to go into more explaining etc. Open up my heart and how I feel etc only to have it squashed back down again when the music starts booming. What about when the music is playing really loud? Walk into his room and tell him to turn it down? And ask him to not play it so loudly in future? Wont that seem like a confrontation?

I am literallly stuck in fear and you are right about this manifesting itself over and over in my life. I have tried to fight it before by stepping out of my comfort zone and I have gotten the same result always. It is equally as hard everytime and no rewiring takes place. I feel the same everytime, the same things happen everytime interms of how I react. Despite whatever conviction I have beforehand, I lose all control and become a passenger in a sinking ship. Before, I have written scripts, thought of all possible scenarios and my responses, been as prepared as I can possibly be. This has worked to an extent as long as I can manage to keep the conversation within the script because then I know what to do but it doesnt prepare me for the future because the future is dynamic and doesnt keep to scripts so I find that everytime I face the same problem, I have to go through the same thing over and over again and infact no growth or learning takes place. Now, I just feel like I don't want to go there because of all the past memories. I feel like, instead of trying to change out there I should try and change myself so that things that bother me, don't bother me...

I fear this whole thread might have been a huge waste of time because infact I have hit the wall and refused to proceed thus wasting everyone elses time. This whole thing is so irrational but it carries so much weight for me. I manouveur my whole life on this paradigm. You could say this is the central axis of my life. It is a horrible thing having to live being ruled by such irrational fears.

 

[Gimpy]

Hi Luke,

Hubby and I suddenly quit listening to music in the car and at home about six years ago. This was after 'needing' to hear music all the time. We didn't know why at first, then Hubby mentioned that because he had to talk all day at work, and I had to do the same, it made him appreciate silent companionship more. ;)

So it was a big surprise to me that he would come home and then jump right into "Grand Theft Auto", and for the next two hours, all I would hear was screaming, explosions, and gunfire.

I did everything I could to get away from that noise, then had enough of it and went down stairs and let Hubby know that if there was a way to use headphones for either one of us, it needed to be done.

My point?

If you never speak up, nothing changes. It does not mean you have to be rude or raise your voice, but you do have to let it be known that the noise is bothering your work, and the work of others.

When I lived with other women in college, we had rules about music at night. These weren't rules imposed on us, we agreed to them in meetings. I don't see any problem with this guy listening to his music on a weekend or times when no one is studying. If you can meet and agree on that, it would go a long way to solving the problem. :)

Your internal predator likes munching on your upset over this music, and is blocking you from removing this food source.

Aren't you tired of that yet?