Wow I did not expect this thread to take off like it has. It is an interesting coincidence that I've spent so much time obsessing over education lately, and I came back to SOTT to check it out. For those of you that follow my posts, I haven't been to SOTT in quite some time. It comes back to this "self-conflict" I keep feeling. I suppose it is time to elaborate about that.
I would say there are three main i's that I have to be concerned with. Education seems to be the battlefield. There is the scientific i, the metaphysical i, and the normal teenage i. The first two seem to be diametrically opposed to each other, and the third one is not really me at all, it is a shell constructed by the Matrix and hormones.
I view Ark as a role model in some ways, but I don't see how he does it. I simply don't understand how he can be a serious man of science and believe in esoteric concepts as well. The two just don't seem to mesh. I like science, my ultimate scientific dream would be to discover how to travel at superluminal speeds. In some ways it is an escape for me, I am so tired of being stuck in this prison of a planet with the vast populations of "sleepers" that inhabit it. Traveling away from it might release me from all of the negativity that is here. Maybe I'll meet someone else out there, a race that is not ignorant like us, a race that has purpose. I would also like to see humanity become a space-faring civilization, it might wake up a lot of people, but then things will probably continue as usual. All of our greed, corruption, and ignorance will just spread to other worlds and we'll become like the Reptoids. Anyway, back to reality, my dream of interstellar travel will probably never be realized. It requires such break-through advances in physics, and I am not the smartest person to hit this planet. There are people in my school that are smarter than I am in math and science; they may not care about what I care about, but their skills make me look dumb at times. Still, it is my dream, and unlikely though it may be, I will strive for it nonetheless. This part of me seeks to rise in the educational system, gain esteem, and begin working on theoretical physics. I do not care about money, I just seek to transcend the earthly prison.
Science dictates that things must be measured and calculated in order to exist. Science has brought us all of the technology we have and holds the promise for a better future. Thus, science seems to be a well-constructed discipline that we can always rely on to discover every secret of the universe. However, science seems severely lacking in some areas. Most importantly; the broad arena of spiritualism which I will refer to as metaphysics. I have had a number of weird things happen to me over the years, and my drive to want to know more has led me into the paranormal; which according to my scientific side is mere philosophy by stubburn individuals who will not give up their superstitions. Yet, my metaphysical side disagrees, and believes that there is much more to reality than just the physical. Spiritual discussions, on the rare occasions that they occur, seem to have so much more meaning to me. There is something there, you can feel your connection to existance, it is hard to describe, all I can say is, it is like a feeling of hyperconsciousness. It always presses me to no more, and the metaphysical side of me is what is responsible for my interest in things like Cassiopaea. Still, my scientific mind says that this is a foolish waste of time by gullible individuals. We are born, we live, we die, end of story. Yet the spiritual side says that death is part of life, and that we are here for a purpose.
Well, you get the idea, these two sides are constantly at war with each other. Both want to acquire more knowledge, but one grows stronger at the detriment to the other. During the summer, when I was posting a lot, my metaphysical side became much stronger, I became much more spiritually oriented, but I lost the discipline of my scientific side. I became little more than a philosopher. When I went back to school, I focused heavily on reactivating my scientific side so I could continue my education. The scientific mind took over, dismissing SOTT as philosophies and political activism. Yet, it stayed in the back of mind. I could not forget about it. Neither side ever dies, it just becomes unbalanced, and they begin to seek balance again. Though, balance is illusionary, it is never attained. I came back. I feel like SOTT and QFG are a part of myself, or at least their ideas are.
It is funny how the Cassiopaeans have an eerie way of predicting things. When I was reading about The Work, and the Cassiopaeans' "mosaic theory," I thought that the multiple i's were probably happening within me, but I took it as a theoretical construct that I had mostly overcome. This is not the case, fusing the two sides of myself while eliminating or at least minimizing the third is my major crisis in life right now. The more knowledge I gain in science and metaphysics, the more it tears me apart.
I now realize that this was the driving force behind my original inquiry, though I did not really know it at the time. Education has always been the battleground. Schooling causes the scientific side to become stronger at the expense of the spiritual, seeking causes the spiritual side to become stronger at the expense of the scientific. I expressed my opinions about the educational system; I thought it was a dumbed-down system that ignored knowledge of real value. I wanted to learn more about the paranormal. I got what I wanted, but it turns out I didn't really know what I wanted in the first place. I do not know how to proceed. I know that I can't continue to fight myself like this forever. This is the nature of the "conflict" I am referring to. I feel that if I can somehow "put the two halves together," well, I don't know how much I could accomplish. I'd be a unified entity.
Well, I thank you for your advice. This has just brought up to the forefront the Work I need to do. But putting an end to this war that has been going on, I'm not sure how I will do it.