Apologies for late reply,
my dreams usually tend to have a less dreamlike appearance lately, mostly a repetition of things from the previous day, bits and pieces with no beginning or end, i started having these a few years back, and got increasingly worse , worsening also my insomnia.
This particular dream, was very different, i was able to think as i normally do, i even figured out it was a dream, very real, very real, every step i took made things worse and i was hopelessly trying to just get by in the dream.
I believe that my own issues had a hand in a cumulative manner, too much stress pile up and I did "something" that pulled everything together and bubled it up into a explosion.
I was seeing someone, that person triggered in me a state of stress and anxiety that made me miserable, a very simple thing like not answering a message bothered me too much. I have to add, I ve been trying to work on these issues of mine, where before none of these thing bothered me i allowed these walls to fall intentionally to bring forward the simplest fears into being. being "strong" most of the time is just walls that separate us from things that bother us, when you let these walls fall, you realize the boogie monster still freaks you out terribly , so to speak.
In that same way , i allowed these things to come forward, he would not answer my messages, he would not be clear and little details made me feel lots and lots of hate, but when together it was joy and bliss. we are nothing but friends at this moment, because of distances.
I learned many things from this little experience, though the stress and anxiety got to the point of obsessive, compulsive and vindictive behaviors as well as very caring, goofy and charming aspects. normally the walls would not allow me to get that far into these vulnerabilities but i thought it was necessary. As you may all understand these walls are buffers , and inside these walls in our comfort zones, we get nowhere and learn little.
The anxiety was making me shake and the stress preventing me from sleeping, but also this served me to find real outward ways of dealing with situations with other people, whereas fleeing or rationalizing or daydreaming would normally take place.
all of those methods of psychological survival, had taken me nowhere. I learned that people have valuable things in them, and learned to feel others a little better than before.
That was just some background.
But I wanna talk about that "something" i did, in my state of anxiety, depression and stress, i lost appetite as usual, though this time I went and bought a chiken with potatoes and yuca and fries and instead of not eating I ate the whole chicken myself. You will be amazed how that changed my mood, not only the desire of filling up my stomach but the desire of doing what i did't want or normally would do, to just break the habit.
when I went to bed, some dark thought again attacked me, stress and the sensation of anxiety, jealousy, daydreaming thought loops, and all else Plus trying to understand all of it, i couldn't handle it, the thoughts weren't the result of a text message not being answered it was coming from somewhere inside, and even though i have been told and figured out where , when and how, rationally, it affects my every action everyday. I felt defeated somehow felt i can't change it. I also felt it was a narrative.
I had been talking with my brother who studies neurology, and we got into the conversation of the endocrine system, and talking about the glands and different hormones, i was desperate that night decided, to try a form of meditation to prevent the stress form eating me alive, I was asking for help,
it occurred to me that the feelings of stress were originating in the kidney area, upper back and bellybutton area, and spread onto my legs and arms this particular time.
The form of meditation consisted only in sensing the kidneys and lower organs (from which cortisol the stress hormone is released and the upper back from which all the nerves connect the organs) after realizing that the stress and pain was originating from the kidneys it dawn on me that the stress hormones are produced there! in the kidneys!!
after some deep breathing and some pipe breaths and some sensing, i decided to try to "pull" everything towards the solar plexus, to move all the energy released from these areas towards the solar plexus. Amazingly enough it worked. I was deep breathing and trying to stimulate and move all the organs through breathing while focusing on them, the state of concentration alone fixes the running thoughts for as long as you are focused, but in addition to this, there is the sensing part, the sensing of you body and the sensing of your feelings and thoughts, maybe the sensing of another individual..
The stress and much of the anxiety and insomnia were gone and slept almost at will...
This wasn't it, I tried it a couple of more nights and also when awake to try to have some sensing of the organs or parts that bothered me (it tends to be easier when something is aching to have more attention on the area), then boom i had this nightmare,
This is not a form of meditation that solves all your problems and I don't even know if i should call it that, or if it is something that just everyone should try, or I should be discussing, "pulling the energy" as i can only put it or term it, is just that, eliminating the over stress residue from the lower areas of the body by stimulating the organs through breathing and pulling it towards your solar plexus, then redistribute the energy throughout the body. it can very well adjust some patterns as it has with me. My idea came that from wrong working of the centers as G. mentioned or ignoring the body and just focusing on the intellect of emotional areas as means of minimizing stress is just as wrong as using the body alone to do it all. as they all three work in unison but unbalanced or wrong.
I cannot claim this as a form of meditation per se, though i can only put it in those words, it helped me greatly in having a better sense of my body and i recovered stability and along with some efforts and some workto minimize the thought patterns and behaviors and habits, I gotta admit i recovered more control.
I don't know if Im making this have any sense,
I am definitely open to suggestions about this, and comments. I don't know weather this should be discussed on this board
Thanks everyone for reading.
