Karen
A Disturbance in the Force
It was unusual to remember the dream, but the meaning was so clear I couldn't avoid it. Looking back, I now see how the dream became a catalyst (or predictor?) of a gradual change in my perspective and responses.
---
I was working, even though I hadn't worked since college, and helping to arrange store displays. My boss was very encouraging and I was calm and confident in my creative abilities. Things were going well when my (now ex) husband arrived.
He promptly created a bed in the middle of the floor and proceeded to interact with my boss in an amorous manner. Even in the dream I was surprised at how calm I felt. I had known he was like this, and now it was only confirmation. He called to me to join them, sucking me in to join the scene.
But it was no trouble to firmly say, "No," and leave. I lost nothing but what I never had, and as I left I knew I would have many chances to succeed on my own abilities. I calmly told myself I didn't need him and woke up.
---
After writing down the dream and worrying over why I felt so calm in such a disturbing situation, I spent several years trying to make the marriage work. I didn't want to believe it, you see.
He could never admit he was cheating (of his emotional betrayals, I knew for certain, yet I rarely caught sight of any tangible clues and often resolved not to spy because spying is distrustful.) And it wasn't until I stumbled on tangible evidence of him dating another woman this last spring that I was able to overcome the "good wife" program, gather my children, and move out.
I lost "everything" including my home, church, and nearly all of the 15 years of relationships rooted there. The leadership demanded I give him another chance on their authority alone. Several on the leadership team whispered that they disagreed with the overall attitude, yet still begged me to comply, an attitude prevalent throughout the whole, though some left the church over it. Since I couldn't lie anymore ... I lost my illusions and lies. I "took the blame" for not believing in them, and it freed me.
As the dream told me: Since the beginning ... I already knew the truth.
Strangely enough, the dream also fueled an intentional focus on developing my artistic ability during those years of waiting, and it turns out that I already have a significant beginning toward supporting myself with these skills, contrary to all the programming I've received saying I must be a failure if I rely on such foolhardy talents.
Creativity constructs possibilities where others would only see limitations. I'm learning to trust the outside-the-box perspective, while testing each step as I move forward. All true relationships and opportunities still exist for me.
The wounds are real and deep ... but they are finally healing now that they have been exposed and acknowledged. I am stronger and more complete for having gone through these experiences.
If he had managed to transform into my ideal life partner (as my initial "if only" depression demanded of life) I would probably be just as blind now as ever ... stagnant and peaceful and wrong. I now see relationships more clearly--even the support of my family who, while they would protect me from more hurt, see elements of my new mental freedom as disturbing, though for now they resort to silence.
It is rare for me to remember a dream, but those I do remember often seep through and change my life in important ways. Dreams are an opportunity to learn, though I wouldn't depend on them exclusively. :P
---
I was working, even though I hadn't worked since college, and helping to arrange store displays. My boss was very encouraging and I was calm and confident in my creative abilities. Things were going well when my (now ex) husband arrived.
He promptly created a bed in the middle of the floor and proceeded to interact with my boss in an amorous manner. Even in the dream I was surprised at how calm I felt. I had known he was like this, and now it was only confirmation. He called to me to join them, sucking me in to join the scene.
But it was no trouble to firmly say, "No," and leave. I lost nothing but what I never had, and as I left I knew I would have many chances to succeed on my own abilities. I calmly told myself I didn't need him and woke up.
---
After writing down the dream and worrying over why I felt so calm in such a disturbing situation, I spent several years trying to make the marriage work. I didn't want to believe it, you see.
He could never admit he was cheating (of his emotional betrayals, I knew for certain, yet I rarely caught sight of any tangible clues and often resolved not to spy because spying is distrustful.) And it wasn't until I stumbled on tangible evidence of him dating another woman this last spring that I was able to overcome the "good wife" program, gather my children, and move out.
I lost "everything" including my home, church, and nearly all of the 15 years of relationships rooted there. The leadership demanded I give him another chance on their authority alone. Several on the leadership team whispered that they disagreed with the overall attitude, yet still begged me to comply, an attitude prevalent throughout the whole, though some left the church over it. Since I couldn't lie anymore ... I lost my illusions and lies. I "took the blame" for not believing in them, and it freed me.
As the dream told me: Since the beginning ... I already knew the truth.
Strangely enough, the dream also fueled an intentional focus on developing my artistic ability during those years of waiting, and it turns out that I already have a significant beginning toward supporting myself with these skills, contrary to all the programming I've received saying I must be a failure if I rely on such foolhardy talents.
Creativity constructs possibilities where others would only see limitations. I'm learning to trust the outside-the-box perspective, while testing each step as I move forward. All true relationships and opportunities still exist for me.
The wounds are real and deep ... but they are finally healing now that they have been exposed and acknowledged. I am stronger and more complete for having gone through these experiences.
If he had managed to transform into my ideal life partner (as my initial "if only" depression demanded of life) I would probably be just as blind now as ever ... stagnant and peaceful and wrong. I now see relationships more clearly--even the support of my family who, while they would protect me from more hurt, see elements of my new mental freedom as disturbing, though for now they resort to silence.
It is rare for me to remember a dream, but those I do remember often seep through and change my life in important ways. Dreams are an opportunity to learn, though I wouldn't depend on them exclusively. :P
