Being Good at Something

[luke wilson]

I have a slight question about this idea of being good at something. What if someone isnt really good at anything? Like lets say, not good at any particular sport, nor good at like making music or doing art in general or even academia or socialising, befriending other people etc. How can such a person not have low self-esteem?

Let us say, he is not like appalling at this things but he isnt like amazing at any, his ability ranges from appalling at some to just ok or below ok at others. Whereas you have people who atleast have one thing that they are good at and they gravitate to that, as a sort of protection, something to do, something to feel good about.

Someone might say that everyone has atleast one discernible thing they are good at. Ok, I might agree, but let us say that in this case such a thing doesnt exist for this person(I'll call him, luke, me) or the person at hand hasnt seen it yet and yes, he has tried pretty much everything that has come his way. I know it takes work to be good at something but for people who love 'one thing' there is like a 'spark' a sort of connection between them and that thing that makes for a 'favourable' union. Think of like a sports player who started playing sports when he was like 9 and absolutely loved it and has been doing it ever since. Or a musician who first picked up an instrument when he was 9 and the same happened to him.

One thing luke(me in 3rd person) has noticed about not being particularly good at anything is that being 'good at something' acts to build a sort of confidence in a person and other people can pick up on this confidence and this will make it easier to make new friends etc or the confidence does act as a fuel to build the personality, maybe develop it(?) maybe like mouravieff says, that is because if you are feeling confident atleast about 'one thing' it is like a root or foundation that the personality can use. Think about it this way, would mouravieff have written 'gnosis' if he wasn't good at writing? Would jesus have preached if he wasnt good at preaching? etc.

My underlying question is essentially how can one not have low self esteem if one isnt really that good at anything? Self esteem interms of how the person perceives there value as a person compared to other people...

Ok since I am essentially talking about myself, and because the 'work' requires a certain level of honesty here is what I have to say about my current situation.
I wouldnt say I am good at anything per se, let us just say, I was always the 2nd last to be picked for any sport, the last being the 'fat' guy. No really I made this observation, I was always 2nd last to be picked and the last was the 'fat' kid. I tried my hand in drama aswell, failed miserably, not really an actor. Tried music and couldnt hack that either. Wouldnt say that any of them is where my natural talents lied. I mean I loved them, I wish I could do them all or even one but I just didnt have the talent. Tried my hand at sport and didnt hack it either. That left academia and eventhough I did ok in that, there wasnt this 'spark' that made it seem like something my heart yearned for. It was more like falling back onto the 'default' setting.

I do like this 'esoteric' stuff but I wouldnt say I love every aspect of it, like what I love about it is simply the 'promise' of something better. That 'promise' is like a bright light that attracts me. Ok, maybe that is natural. Other people might not find it interesting yet I do, I suppose that is why I am in the forum. Would I call that a talent? Ok maybe sort off eventhough there is no such thing as being good at it when it comes to esoterism and also there is no such thing as the personality 'claiming' it as a sort of 'trophy.' Atleast according to my experience. Also there is no recognition from other people, lets say like being good at sports or music etc so there is no element of 'praise' or something similar that can make one self-confident etc etc. So despite atleast having a 'spark' with like the 'promise of spirituality' there is still this gap left where 'confidence' lies, atleast relatively speaking compared to other people. Like I would describe it as a 'deep root' of low self-esteem, which is natural considering 'confidence' is built and just doesnt appear out of nowhere. Just never got a chance to build it is all which is fair because of the apparent 'lack of talent.' Anyways, given the conditions of 'little to no talent' how can one get to a 'healthy' level of confidence?

Why am I asking this? Is it just another mental exercise? Answer is no. The reason is, I have observed this 'root or trauma(?)' in me and have seen some of its effects. I have made some progress in working to heal it following the guidelines given by the forum and also just natural 'growth' which results in learning which then results in healing. However, I have noticed that it does act to influence me in 'real life' in that I see myself as 'less' compared to other people(that is why I keep on saying confidence relative to other people) and when it comes to things I consider important, I dont 'fight' for them and instead let other people 'claim' them because they 'obviously' have more of a right to it than I do. It is a subtle thing, a subtle 'fear' but what I mean is this

Night clubs are not good to overcome your programs. Try having some activities (arts, sports, whatever) where you can meet people and have discussions and where you can overcome your fears little by little at your own rythm. Saying that people are machines, they have egos etc. is just a rationalization to avoid facing own fears. It's a buffer. Yes, people are asleep, some of them, we are too. So what? What is to be afraid of? The problem is inside, not outside.

That quote is from a different thread but the highlighted part is essentially one of the more subtle shade being 'propagated' by this specific root of trauma. So I avoid doing something, 'acting', doing what the situation calls for, because of 'fear' which arises due to broadly speaking, 'lack of awareness and knowledge' but less broadly speaking, 'low self-esteem' which I think has its roots in 'apparent lack of talent' or rather 'lack of devolopment of my personality.'

This turned out to be way longer than I expected.

 

[kryon]

Dear Luke,
Right of hand when reading your post I realized you are not seeing something very apparent about your self, as usually we all tend to dismiss our own achievements, human nature or programming that is not important anylonger. What i saw is your self honesty and uncanny ability to self examine. By what I know from reading and experience, this alone is an achievement few among us have reached. Self esteem is good, that's a given, but you know honesty and modesty is what a true spiritual "warrior"- shaman -what have you, excel at.
There was a guy, long ago, his name Aesop- he was a slave, but had a story to tell. One of his stories goes like that:
A rooster woke up in the morning, very hungry he went and crowed then began searching for something to eat.
As he was digging he saw something yellow in the ground. Excited, thinking it was corn he grabbed it with his beak, to immediately spit it out, saying in disgust:
"Damned gold, I need to eat!"
I expect some people not to get the story, but I know you will.
I am reassured and again, there are worthy people still living.

 

[StrangeCaptain]

Wow... Your post made me think of a lot of stuff, and I am not sure it all has a common theme

My first struggles for understanding were about overcoming substance abuse, a re-occurring theme it turns out, and wanting to learn how to treat people better than I was. It was with a different group than this with a much different focus. I don't remember what I said exactly, but somebody told me, "Why should you feel good about yourself if you aren't doing anything that makes you feel good about yourself?"

Well... I was pretty out of my mind, so this was a major revelation.

Years down the road from that, I definitely view the concept of self-esteem differently. I don't want to feel good about myself if it is a form of sleep. I have tried quite a few things myself, and for whatever reasons, external or internal, they did not pan out. Each would be a long story in and of itself.

In terms of something I love to do, I eventually found math and physics. I love doing them, and I am not good at them. I do them anyway.

What stood out to me in your post was that you said you love music and acting. You did use the word love. Maybe you did not mean it, but if you did, why would you let not being good at them stop you from doing them? Why do you need innate talent in order to do the things you love?

For me, I still have struggles letting myself do the things I love. Even though I have found them, a deep sense of lack, of worthlessness, has continued to prevent me from doing the things I love. I have only found progress in giving my essence the gift of letting myself do what I love to do in the last couple of months to tell the truth. There was just so much dirt and filth inside of me that the meditations finally began to loosen up along with finding myself in the position to pursue my interests.

I strongly feel the mental/emotional/physical detoxification methods can help us get back our motivation to act in favor of our destinies.

I wish I could speak about these things in a concise and powerful way that does not rely on personal anecdotes, but it is all so new to me that I don't have that kind of understanding.

I do want to reiterate my question. Why should you not do the things you love simply because you don't have a natural talent for them? Then again, maybe your use of the word love was mistaken and they were just some things you tried on the way. If we had to be geniuses or immensely naturally talented at something to do it, then I don't think much would ever get done.

 

[kryon]

Wow... Your post made me think of a lot of stuff, and I am not sure it all has a common theme

-snipped for bravity-

I wish I could speak about these things in a concise and powerful way that does not rely on personal anecdotes, but it is all so new to me that I don't have that kind of understanding.

Dear Luke,
another mark of the Spiritual Warrior is that they never take themselves too seriously. Humor has proved to be the cure to all dis-ease.
take care

 

[Buddy]

My underlying question is essentially how can one not have low self esteem if one isnt really that good at anything? Self esteem interms of how the person perceives there value as a person compared to other people...

The problem may be simpler than it appears. You've got the conventional view of self-esteem correct, but the 'evaluation method' seems off.

To evaluate yourself...

interms of how the person perceives there value as a person compared to other people...

...you have to consider internally. You have to be fused with some 'analog I', pushing around analog symbols in your internal mind space.

In contrast, the conventional self-esteem is properly evaluated in terms of feedback from others or the environment as to your effectiveness and value in being helpful in some way that 'they' value - not as you value.

When someone (for example) benefits from something you 'do' and they appreciate it, your internal evaluator works automatically, providing you a sense of being 'worthy' of the feelings of self-esteem (self-worth).

The ponerized alternative is to feel first, then act, seeing everything backwards like any reaction machine, OSIT.


----------------------------------------
Edit: wording for clarity of meaning

 

[luke wilson]

Thanks for the replies. Some of the replies are quite 'deep' (sorry my vocabulary is limited) so I have had to put my thinking hat on best I can.

Right of hand when reading your post I realized you are not seeing something very apparent about your self, as usually we all tend to dismiss our own achievements, human nature or programming that is not important anylonger. What i saw is your self honesty and uncanny ability to self examine.

This is something new to me. A new piece of insight. In a funny way your post here is weird because of how it reflects with certain things that happen to me in real life. For example, sometimes I 'literally' dont see what is infront of me and sometimes I know this and it kills me that I still cant see. Like every now and again, I misplace my phone, so I start looking for it all over the place, cant find it, so I recruit some help and lets say a housemate comes into my room to help me, he gets in and stands there looking at me smiling/laughing and asks if I seriously can't see the phone. I say I can't then he proceeds to point it out, laying there in plain view on my desk. I am thinking this is common but for the life of me I dont understand how this happens. It gets even more ridiculous that afew times, I can lift up what I am looking for and still not 'register.' Anyways, thanks for this new piece of insight. Maybe it is just because it is something 'familiar' and thus not important anylonger so we have a 'dismissive' attitude.

A rooster woke up in the morning, very hungry he went and crowed then began searching for something to eat.
As he was digging he saw something yellow in the ground. Excited, thinking it was corn he grabbed it with his beak, to immediately spit it out, saying in disgust:
"Damned gold, I need to eat!"

Just the other day I set my alarm to a rooster so amazing coincidence. Anyways, I have thought about what this little passage means and am reluctant to share incase I fall flat on my face :D

Patience kind of got abit of it with his reply, some of his words were right off my mouth.

Even though I have found them, a deep sense of lack, of worthlessness, has continued to prevent me from doing the things I love.

I think I have atleast reached an underlying 'root' that is part of the 'block' between my own personal quest of moving from reacting to acting.

I'll show a little diagram.

[Reacting------> Wall --------> Acting]

So part of our aim is to move from reacting to acting. My diagram is abit simplified because there are certain aspects of ours that reacts and others that 'act' buts lets say the cumulative effect is still reaction. Anyways, I am on the reaction side and as I am 'hopefully' making my way to the acting side, a wall is appearing and I can atleast tell one new aspect of this wall. This is where the whole 'self-esteem' thing comes in.

For me it is not that I feel worthless eventhough this I suppose can describe it, rather it is because I feel 'unworthy.' So I attributed this to low self-esteem but my question is how can one act if one doesnt feel worthy? This not feeling worthy is not a 'mental construct' it is actually something rather deep.

Ok, from your little story(kryon), I dont want to seek food for my predator, I know part of 'self-esteem' is 'pride in oneself' but I also know that 'pride comes before a fall' so a dilemma appears.

In simple terms, I thought that 'acting is easy, desirable, next logical step from reacting' but thanks to my own 'root/spirit of trauma' I am learning that to act there must be a certain feeling of 'worthiness' a feeling that I lack.

why would you let not being good at them stop you from doing them? Why do you need innate talent in order to do the things you love?

Interesting question and my answer is down to worthiness. So I dont have the talent, to me this equates to not being worthy of doing them. Maybe again it is a reaction to avoid 'fear.' But essentially, yes I love them, I admire them from a 'distance' I let other people 'claim' them, I dont lay down my own 'claim' because obviously other people have more of a right to it because they have more of a talent for it. That again is not a mental construct, it is how my machince works, all this gets processed automatically and at the end of it comes a result(a reaction), what I have done is I have just noticed the 'process.' I hope this kind of makes sense.

My underlying question is essentially how can one not have low self esteem if one isnt really that good at anything? Self esteem interms of how the person perceives there value as a person compared to other people...

The problem may be simpler than it appears. You've got the conventional view of self-esteem correct, but the 'evaluation method' seems off.

To evaluate yourself...

interms of how the person perceives there value as a person compared to other people...

...you have to consider internally. You have to be fused with some 'analog I', pushing around analog symbols in your internal mind space.

In contrast, the conventional self-esteem is properly evaluated in terms of feedback from others or the environment as to your effectiveness and value in being helpful in some way that 'they' value - not as you value.

When someone (for example) benefits from something you 'do' and they appreciate it, your internal evaluator works automatically, providing you a sense of being 'worthy' of the feelings of self-esteem (self-worth).

The ponerized alternative is to feel first, then act, seeing everything backwards like any reaction machine, OSIT.


----------------------------------------
Edit: wording for clarity of meaning

Let me see if I totally understood this, basically there are 2 types of 'self-esteem' and one is self-esteem that is a sort of feedback from other people and the other is a sort of 'innate' self-esteem independent from feedback or rather less reactive to feedback. My post has been about the first type of self-esteem. If I totally lacked the 2nd one, I would have jumped off a building by now but am still here :D

I have to say though that the 1st form of self-esteem is stronger than the 2nd, atleast in my experience. It has more of an effect on how I view myself because it basically reflects back an image of what the world represented by people think of you. This image is re-enforced daily, continuously, all the time, it works to buffer the 2nd form of self-esteem.

Anyways, I hope I am not playing around with words but now the question is

'How does one act if one doesnt feel 'worthy' of acting?'

This is essentially a dilemma for me. Dont get me wrong, I am not saying I am capable of acting, I am just saying that, I will never be capable of 'acting' as long as I dont feel 'worthy.' That is a checkmate interms of the work interms of complete loss. I.e Forever doomed to stay in the domain of reacting.

 

[Buddy]

Let me see if I totally understood this, basically there are 2 types of 'self-esteem' and one is self-esteem that is a sort of feedback from other people and the other is a sort of 'innate' self-esteem independent from feedback or rather less reactive to feedback.

As always, I could be wrong or off (I sometimes forget to say that).

If the feedback is independent from what others value and only inflates from internal considerings, then perhaps it's just self-importance? Maybe the difference is that it would have to be 'objective value' to actually be worth anything to you, in healthy psychological terms. After all, one wouldn't feed toys to a sadist and have genuine self-esteem would one?

My post has been about the first type of self-esteem. If I totally lacked the 2nd one, I would have jumped off a building by now but am still here.

I have to say though that the 1st form of self-esteem is stronger than the 2nd, atleast in my experience. It has more of an effect on how I view myself because it basically reflects back an image of what the world represented by people think of you.

One can get self-important ego inflation from others or feedback that the inner being recognizes as a sign that you are 'good' or worth your life force and not abusing it, so-to-speak.

At least, this is how I currently understand the issue.

'How does one act if one doesnt feel 'worthy' of acting?'

Act first anyway and let the feelings follow. Your being is deeper than superficial thought and will evaluate your effectiveness according to your beliefs, assumptions, goals, purpose, Aim or whatever basis you are acting on at the moment, OSIT.

 

[luke wilson]

Sorry about the double post but you know, after reading this and letting it sink it

Wow... Your post made me think of a lot of stuff, and I am not sure it all has a common theme

-snipped for bravity-

I wish I could speak about these things in a concise and powerful way that does not rely on personal anecdotes, but it is all so new to me that I don't have that kind of understanding.

Dear Luke,
another mark of the Spiritual Warrior is that they never take themselves too seriously. Humor has proved to be the cure to all dis-ease.
take care

It just reminded me of don juan and his whole 'self-importance thing' which to me again has lit a new bulb with regard to my feeling of 'unworthiness' be it not 'worthlessness.' This is essentially due to self-importance. I am being to 'self-important' about this feeling of worthiness or unworthiness. Ok, hopefully progress. I am identifying to much with 1 of my I's. The so-called false personality...

This though is just a mental realisation, now to transfer it to a 'being' realisation. That is much harder. Should be noted though, that all the feedback, the feedback you get from the world, or rather the people of the world, should I say people ruled by false personality only makes one identify more and more with one type of there I's. That is the false personality. And part of the false personality is self-importance. So inorder to not identify with this, somehow one has to find a way of being in the world but not of it. A new quote learnt just recently. THAT IS HARD considering the continous 'FEEDBACK' one is always getting. This feedback only serves to remind you who you are and who you are not... It is like hypnotism.

 

[luke wilson]

One can get self-important ego inflation from others or feedback that the inner being recognizes as a sign that you are 'good' or worth your life force and not abusing it, so-to-speak.

Yes, except in my case it is the other way round. I have been getting self-important ego inflation from others by them 'feeding' or rather me 'feeding' this you are not 'worthy' thing. OMG! CRAZY! Hmmm, it reminds me of when neo went to see the oracle and she told him he wasnt the one. Maybe, just maybe that was a clever ploy to get him to overcome his 'self-importance' by highlighting that fact to such a level that neo would realise that it was indeed 'self-importance.' I dont remember exactly what happened but that is the thought that comes to my mind.

OMG, where do this movie makers get all this insights from??????????? Ridiculous, there must be some real heavy weights out there walking this planet. [Rhetorical question]

So anyways, that was a nice little 'high' from a realisation. Now onto the 'real' thing of implementation. I am just thinking the best way to go about this is to use the old formula, 'meet your fears' then hopefully the self-importance in this instance will eventually go away once confronted numerous times??

Rant:

This whole thing is ridiculous, I thought of the answer and you thought of the answer all at pretty much the same time. I hate this. Ridiculous. Cant believe it. Happened again with patience's reply with the whole 'worthless' thing, took a break after posting and reading kryons reply, knew what I was going to say back, came back read patience's reply and it had elements of what I wanted to say. Either I am hooking up to other peoples thoughts or we are all thinking the same things essentially or we are all jumping onto the same external thought waves out there in space. To much to take in. Relagated to coincidences.

 

[Buddy]

Either I am hooking up to other peoples thoughts or we are all thinking the same things essentially or we are all jumping onto the same external thought waves out there in space. To much to take in. Relagated to coincidences.

...or to some kind of co-linearity? ;)

Besides, the Oracle was teaching Neo about how he could'nt do anything other than what was in him to do, whether to be mechanical and predictable or to be 'The One', so why worry? :)

 

[SolarMother]

Dear Luke,
another mark of the Spiritual Warrior is that they never take themselves too seriously. Humor has proved to be the cure to all dis-ease.
take care

LW/It just reminded me of don juan and his whole 'self-importance thing' which to me again has lit a new bulb with regard to my feeling of 'unworthiness' be it not 'worthlessness.' This is essentially due to self-importance. I am being to 'self-important' about this feeling of worthiness or unworthiness. Ok, hopefully progress. I am identifying to much with 1 of my I's. The so-called false personality...

This though is just a mental realisation, now to transfer it to a 'being' realisation. That is much harder. Should be noted though, that all the feedback, the feedback you get from the world, or rather the people of the world, should I say people ruled by false personality only makes one identify more and more with one type of there I's. That is the false personality. And part of the false personality is self-importance. So inorder to not identify with this, somehow one has to find a way of being in the world but not of it. A new quote learnt just recently. THAT IS HARD considering the continous 'FEEDBACK' one is always getting. This feedback only serves to remind you who you are and who you are not... It is like hypnotism. Evil

I am not so sure about the self-importance thing when we are trying to heal the child within of the narcissistic parent(s.) I can't always tell the difference yet, and as I read the 3rd Narcissism book, "Trapped In the Mirror" I am finding myself in a lot of grief and pain as I try to heal the unworthiness and oversensitivity which also is connected to the issue I share with you, with my inability to feel what my heart loves. Our culture is so extremely selfish, that like the author of the narcissism book, I could only have glimpes of my heart and really learn to connect with people, by traveling to Asia where many non-narcissistic people can be found, who were to me an example of giving without any expectation of return (and much more.) It's just part of their culture (for instance in parts of India and Nepal.)
Now I see this forum as an opportunity to do The Work and that includes not being too hard on myself because that is what my 'negative introject' does so well. That is just one thing I can learn by really looking at that wounded little girl.
So Luke, don't be too hard on yourself!
Hope this makes sense and helps.

 

[Gimpy]

One of my relatives went from being an advertising editor, to becoming a cook, to retraining as a school teacher. She made her certs and moved to another state for what she thought was a great teaching job. Turns out, its no different than the crappy teaching job she left behind.

Now she's helping her sister back in the cooking world again, but using everything she's learned along the way.

My point is that no one has to be good at just one thing, or fit into any of the currently held categories that define people these days.


When you get tired of banging your head against that particular wall Luke, you'll stop. ;)

 

[kryon]

I am not so sure about the self-importance thing when we are trying to heal the child within of the narcissistic parent(s.) Hope this makes sense and helps.

Self importance is narcissistic. The moment one takes one self seriously narcissism sets in.
Think about it

 

[obyvatel]

[quote author=luke wilson]
I wouldnt say I am good at anything per se, let us just say, I was always the 2nd last to be picked for any sport, the last being the 'fat' guy. No really I made this observation, I was always 2nd last to be picked and the last was the 'fat' kid. I tried my hand in drama aswell, failed miserably, not really an actor. Tried music and couldnt hack that either. Wouldnt say that any of them is where my natural talents lied. I mean I loved them, I wish I could do them all or even one but I just didnt have the talent. Tried my hand at sport and didnt hack it either. That left academia and eventhough I did ok in that, there wasnt this 'spark' that made it seem like something my heart yearned for. It was more like falling back onto the 'default' setting.
[/quote]

Hi Luke,
While evaluating your abilities in a particular field, do you use some internal standard that you set for yourself or do you take what others say as the standard? There is usually a mixture of the two but can you say if one of the two (internal or external) has a dominant role in your case?
In my personal opinion, if you have specific outstanding talents in a particular field, that is great but if you have more general abilities which lets you enjoy different activities without achieving outstanding results, that is great too. After all who says that a human being has to be specially good at one thing? If you look at lives of people who have been specially gifted in one area, often they are lacking skills in other areas of life.
You said you loved sports and music, you did ok in academics - so it is likely that you have relatively well-rounded abilities. And since you are here in this forum and doing the Work whose goal is to balance the three lower centers of the personality, you are in a good position with your general talents - osit. As you continue on your journey of self-discovery, you may find yourself discovering and appreciating the gifts that you have and thus developing the healthy kind of self-confidence.

 

[luke wilson]

When you get tired of banging your head against that particular wall Luke, you'll stop. Wink

Maybe this does imply the conclusion of this specific lesson.

While evaluating your abilities in a particular field, do you use some internal standard that you set for yourself or do you take what others say as the standard? There is usually a mixture of the two but can you say if one of the two (internal or external) has a dominant role in your case?

When I was speaking about 'talent' I used the main examples of talent but I meant talent is general. Sometimes people forget 'talents' that they have and take it for granted because the 'whole' world takes it for granted. It is common and it takes someone who doesnt have it to realise exactly how important it is. In my case, I felt I lacked talent 'across the whole general spectrum.' Ranging from apalling to just ok or ok. This includes even the art of communication. I am not talking about 'written' communication here, about communication in real life. Yes, I can get my ideas across but not the way I want it. That is essentially the crux of the whole thing.

I can do things, but I cannot deliver the things I do the way I want to. So it is a combination of 'approval' seeking a.k.a realising one isnt getting approval thus coming to the conclusion that one isnt specifically good at anything and an internal 'dialogue' that casts a judgement upon oneself. Like the 'heart' can feel for somethings, it can want to not really 'excel' for approval, but rather get to experience a new way of being which the body or 'talent' cannot deliver. I dont know which has the dominant role, interms of low self-esteem I think it is in the constant lack of 'approval.' After awhile it does take a toll on ones being. This is emotional but once I heard my dad saying, 'I am not proud of luke' to my sister interms of my academic results. You can only imagine how that made me feel. He didnt obviously expect me to hear that but I did nonetheless and even though every now and again he says he is proud about something I do, I dont believe him because I know that isnt his true feelings. In a way, I am kind of a dissappointment, I can see it in the eyes of those people who 'expect' something from me. Do I see myself as such?

Ok, I used to, I used to see myself as that to the point where I thought I didnt deserve anything really, this sense of not being 'worthy.' Ok, so maybe I am over identifying with my own false personality and taking myself too seriously and not laughing at myself and the world, but this stuff does pack an emotional 'punch' which does have an effect on ones way of thinking. Anyways, now I dont really think I am a dissapointment to such a high degree anymore but I would be lying if I said I thought I wasnt one, if it makes sense, I have not got to the 'break even' point. I am still lingering on the negative side but hopefully moving in the right direction interms of how I view myself.

How can I correct this and get to a neutral level atleast? Still working on that.

or fit into any of the currently held categories that define people these days.

Ok, I would be lying if I said I was a completely 'hollow' shell. What I do have isnt exactly 'valued' but nonetheless it is something I have in abundance that alot of people dont. That 'kid' who started playing sport or music or whatever when he was young and loved it, I had something of my own, invisible though. I had my own imagination which later on in life changed into a very rich and vivid 'dream' life which every now and again changes and transforms into other things. I realise it is like a cycle of its own eventhough I dont understand it, it has a life of its own. So this is something I have that alot dont, maybe something I am good at. Dreams for me arent just dreams, they are way more and eventhough I dont understand exactly 'what is the point' so I refrain from 'analysing' them because I kind of 'expect' something from them, like they are my 'ticket' I have moved into a position of non-anticipation and let them play out by themselves without my interference. That is pretty much the only thing I have a 'natural' talent at that maybe alot of people dont. I feel that there is a 'weird' relationship between 'how my life is,' 'how I interpret it' and 'how my dreams are' eventhough I dont really understand any of it to the level of 'control.' Anyways, no 'approval' in this department. A useless(?) talent? Maybe, maybe not.