Best Jokes

This is from a blog that Goldman Sachs just hired a legal firm to shut down...

Josh Bolton (outside the Oval Office):
Mr President, Hank Paulson is here, he says he's got to see you right away.

Ok tell him, in a few minutes. I got the DAR in here.

Mr. President, you better get out here & talk to him, he's in bad shape.

What? Just send him in.

You don't want anybody to see him like this, besides he'll scare the holy shit out of them.
I'm serious, you gotta get out here right now.

Y'all excuse me a minute, ladies, I'll be right back.

Hank, what's goin' on?

Mr. President, I broke the buck, the sky is falling. I'm so sorry, I broke the buck, the sky is falling.

What in the hell is he talking about?

Mr. President, I have no idea.

Ok, ok, throw a blanket over him, stick him in a closet, get those old ladies out of my office now. Then get him in my office. And call Cheney.

2 minutes later, Bush, Cheney, Paulson in the Oval Office

Mr. President, I broke the buck, the sky is falling. I'm so sorry, I broke the buck and the sky is falling.

Dick, what's he talking about?

I'll explain later. And get him away from that window.
Hank, now tell us, what happened?

I just got in from NY. I was with my partners at Goldman Sachs.

You mean your ex-partners.

Huh? Oh yeah.

Ok go on.

Anyway, I broke the buck, they can't roll over their commercial paper and the sky is falling and I killed the U.S. economy. Now I'm Herbert Hoover. waaaahhhhhhhhh

Hank, it can't be that bad. You can't kill the U.S. economy.

Oh I did, Mr. President and I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Blankfein's ordered all the partners to max out their credit cards and they're converting to a bank holding company as we speak.

Cheney:
Holy mother of g-d. A bank holding company? Goldman Sachs? You got to be kidding.

Call Bernanke, just ask him.

Holy Jeezus.They must be scared out of their shorts.

It's not just them. The sky is falling, the sky is falling.

Bush:
I'm not following all of this. What's bad about a bank holding company?

Cheney:
It's like breast reduction surgery. It's worse. It's like a voluntary penis reduction surgery.

Ouch. Jeez, maybe the sky really is falling.

Well at least at 85 Broad.
Hank, quick question. Why'd you bail out the Bear Sterns paper & not the Lehman paper?

We, I mean Goldman Sachs wasn't holding any Lehman paper.

Sorry, dumb question.

Bush
What are we going to do?

Cheney:
We gotta contain this panic before it spreads. We need to quarantine off the Goldman Sachs headquarters. Surround it with barbed wire. Nobody gets in, nobody gets out. Cut the power & jam the cellphones.

Paulson:
Mr President, I can fix it if you let me, please let me fix it, I don't want to be Herbert Hoover. Look, I've written up a bill, I'll go up to Capitol Hill, I'm going to tell 'em I need $700 billion. The sky is falling, the sky is falling.

Bush:
Ah hah hah hah hah. $700 billion, ah hah hah hah, Hank I didn't know you had a sense of humor. What is this? it's 3 pages. You're going up to the Hill with this, to ask for $700 billion. Hank, you're out of your gourd, stop, please stop, I'm going to piss on myself.

And, Mr President, you can get on TV & tell the country the sky is falling.

Hah hah hah hah hah Hank stop hah hah you're killing me hah hah Screw $700 billion, ask them for some real money, make it an even trillion ah hah hah hah no no no 2 trillion tell them you want 2 trillion aaaahhh haha hahaahahaa tell 'em $4 trillion & on the 7th day, you'll fix Social Security too haahaahaahaa

I'M SERIOUS. I MEAN IT. THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING.

Cheney:
Ok, ok, we believe you, the sky is falling, here sit down.
George, get up off the floor & don't laugh at him anymore.

Ok, Hank, I promise not to laugh.
Dick, this is serious, what are we going to do? We can't let anybody see him like this, he's the Treasury Secretary of the United States, for crying out loud. We can't let him out in public like this & how are we going to keep this quiet? If anybody sees him like this, the market will drop 800 points in a heartbeat.

Ok let's all just try to relax a little. Let's just think this through.
Everybody take a deep breath. Ooooooooh hoooooo. Ooooooooh hoooooo. Ok.
Hank, what do you drink, scotch or bourbon?

The sky is falling, the sky is falling.

Ok. Josh, get a bottle of Macallan 18 year old for Hank & get a bottle of Wild Turkey for George & me.

Bush:
Get the 101, the 80's for pussies. & see if you can find a straitjacket, just in case.

Bolton:
Bernanke's on the phone.

Cheney:
Ben, what the hell is going on?

They are freaking out here in NY. I went in to get a bagel & the guy behind the counter told me the banking system is about to collapse. I figured you'd want to know so I called right away.

What about the rest of the country, are they freaking out too?

I haven't a clue, I haven't been anywhere but NY or DC for 2 months. You need me to pick up some bagels for you?

Screw the bagels. How the hell can the KBW bank stock index be up 50% in 2 months if the banking system is about to collapse?

What's that?

Jeezus, why am I not surprised? Didn't Greenspan leave a training manual or something? Look, here's what you're going to do, call up the Fed district presidents & you tell each of them I want them to personally call 25 banks in their districts, no make it 50 each, & to talk to the president of each damn bank & find out how many of them are still lending money & how many think the sky is falling. Call 'em at home, wake 'em up & whoever doesn't get 50 presidents on the phone before breakfast tomorrow can just turn in their resignation. You got it?

Yessir.

Goodbye.

Cheney:
Who the hell appointed that guy?

Bush:
Who's Bernanke?
Here you go, Hank. Neat, right?

Cheney:
Come on, Hank. Just sip a little bit.

I broke the buck, the sky is falling, I broke the buck, the sky is falling.

Ok, here, just a little more ... a little more.

Bush:
What are we gonna do with him? He looks terrible. He needs some sleep.

Cheney:
A night's sleep is not going to be near enough. He's waay waay beyond that. He needs some serious deep delta sleep. It looks like an acid trip gone real bad.

Dick, you surprise me, are you channeling Hunter Thompson?
So, what do you & Hunter recommend?

Well, I figure we could shoot him up with thorazine for a few days & let him sleep it off or we could try electroshock to reboot his brain.

Give me some other options.

How about a long weekend of booze & broads? He can get a reboot and some deep sleep.

Well, that sounds better. We can probably round up some interns. That used to be popular around here.

No, no. This isn't kids' stuff, this is a job for professionals.

What? Where are we going to get pros? & don't look at me, I don't know who to call.

Call Clinton.

Hillary? She's a little long in the tooth, don't you think?

Bill, you idiot.

Dick, calm down, I was just kidding you. Here, you need another drink.

I think you're right, that's good, thanks.
Josh, get Clinton, Bill Clinton on the phone right now.
George, you talk to him.

Bill, ol' buddy, how you doing?

I'm ok, you?

Background:
The sky is falling, the sky is falling.

Well, we got a little problem here. I got somebody here really wound up tight & he needs some serious R&R & I'm counting on you to help.

It's Hank, right?

Jezuz, has this leaked already?

Relax, your secret's not out, at least not yet. Nah, Rubin showed up on my doorstep about an hour ago, I haven't understood a word he's saying other than the sky is falling. What's going on?

Man, those Goldman guys got a real in-breeding problem. I thought Skull & Bones was bad.

You have no idea.

I bet Hank's telling you the banking system is about to freeze up, am I right?
Hell, this is not the first or even second time Bob's pulled this shit. The first time was Mexico. I still can't believe I let him destroy an entire economy just to pull his buddies' cojones out of the fire.

Then Indonesia, Russia, hell I can't even remember all the people we screwed.
Georgie, when it comes to blowing up countries, I'm way ahead of you.
Next time you want to blow up some country, forget the Pentagon, you just dial 1-800-GOLDMAN.

And the best part, they don't leave fingerprints. I don't think they have fingerprints, I know Bob doesn't. I think it's part of the initiation. Go ahead, check out Hank's fingertips.

lemme see, holymotherofg-d, how do they do that?

They get a choice, acid or a hotplate.

What I can't figure out is are they morons or do they keep doing this shit on purpose?

This is scary.

All I can tell you is, whenever some Goldman Sachs boy wonder starts telling you he's got it all figured out, you just get one of your Secret Service guys to Tazer him a few times and then lock him up for a couple of months.

I'd have Tazer'd Bob by now just for old times' sake, but I'm afraid to keep one of those things around here in case Hillary gets her hands on it again. Those bastards hurt, has Laura ever Tazer'd you?

No, but I appreciate the warning.

So where do I fit in?

Oh yeah, well, Dick thinks we need to hide him away somewhere & put him in a coma for a few days.

So where do I fit in?

We're leaning toward a case of booze & a house full of hookers.

I'm listening.

That's it; that's the plan. We don't do nuance around here.

Can you take care of this for us, you can have Camp David as long as you want, we'll seal it off & put it under absolute radio silence.

Hot damn. Wait a minute, why don't you take care of it yourself?

Bill, I'm the president of the United States. I can't do that.

I don't follow.

Just take my word for it, so, will you do this for us?

Shit yeah, anything for my country.

Ok we gotta move fast. We're going to put Hank in a straitjacket & roll up him up in a rug, stick him in a helicopter. Air Force One is on its way to pick you up.

About the girls ...

Ok, I get it, that's why you're calling me. Not a problem, no problema at all.
Look have you got any Secret Service guys still around from 8 years ago?

I think so.

Just find any one of them, tell him "little Billy wants to go out & play" & tell him "the magic number is" ... hmm, these GS guys are kind of wimpy, you think 2 or 3 girls will be enough for Hank for a few days?

I'd say so, it's not like he's from Salomon Bros.

Ok tell the SS guy, the number is 10, wait, make it 12, uh, 13, no, that's an unlucky number, 14, you're paying, right? & don't forget a nice tip.

Bill, you kill me.

You just wait, buddy boy, til Jan 20, my treat, Burkle & I are going to pick you up & that's allll you need to know. We'll take care of the rest.

Bill, I can't wait. You're not bringing Daddy along, are you?

No, he said he's had enough. Look, you gotta cover for me when Hillary starts looking for me.

No problem. I'll tell her you're doing this for the good of the country.

She's heard that one before.

Ok, I'll tell Dick to come up with something better.

How's Hank doing?

A lot better, the whiskey's kicking in. He's curled up on the floor, sucking his thumb.

Perfect. A few days in the comfort of a good woman's bosom & he'll be just fine.

Yeah, that's what Dick said. Ok, gotta go.

Wait, what should I do with Rubin?

You better ditch him at a hospital on your way to the airport. You get in a room with him & Hank & you'll be suicidal. & remove his wallet, just leave him some cash.

Got it. Bye.

(Bush & Cheney, together, finishing their drinks)
Boy I owe you, Dick, that was a close one. We thought the Harriet Miers mess was bad, imagine me on TV telling the country the sky is falling.

Besides, I hate sweaters & I can't pronounce malaise to save my life. That sure as hell'd shred what's left of my legacy.

No one would be comparing me to Harry Truman anymore. I'd just be Jimmy Carter Jr.
Although it would get Iraq off the front pages.

Let's just consider us even now. You don't bring up Iraq anymore & I won't mention "$700B bailout".

_http://www.goldmansachs666.com/2009/04/goldman-sachs-story-some-fiction-some.html
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Goldman Sachs hires law firm to shut blogger's site
_http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/banksandfinance/5137489/Goldman-Sachs-hires-law-firm-to-shut-bloggers-site.html
 
[quote author=The Onion-November 19, 2003]
I Have To Admit: I Love The Nuts

dannythesquirrel.jpg

By Danny The Squirrel

I'm a squirrel on the go. I've got trees to climb and streets to cross. If anybody asks what keeps me going when squirrel duties pile up, I got one word for them: nuts! I know it's a stereotype that squirrels go crazy for nuts, but in my case, it's 100 percent true. I make no apologies or excuses. Why should I? I fully admit that I love the nuts!

Somebody once said the only thing I cared about was nuts. Hey, guilty as charged. And what's wrong with that? Nuts never hurt anybody—at least nobody in squirrel circles. Nuts are delicious! Just stuff a nut into your cheeks, chomp down, and unlock the nutty flavor. Before you know it, you'll be like me—singing the praises of the savory goodness of nutty nuts.

I'm not a strong-willed squirrel. If you take a can of nuts and dump them in your backyard, you'd better believe I'm gonna eat those nuts. I won't be polite about it, either. I won't share them with the chipmunks or the birds. No, I will behave like a fool to secure those nuts. I'll shove as many nuts in my mouth as I can fit, and chew as fast as possible to make room for more nuts. If I have some leftover nuts, I'll bury them for later. And let me tell you: If I can't find my nuts, there's going to be some frantic chirping and running around, believe me. I don't care if passersby stop, point, and laugh at my actions. They can call me me all sorts of nut-loving names. I won't stop until I find those nuts.

You might say, "Danny, what's the deal with the nuts? Don't you ever want to break out of the mold? Do something a little less expected? Blaze a trail? Why do you just live by the old squirrel standards?"

Well, I've got an answer. It's simple. Ready? Here it is: I love nuts. Acorns in particular.

But I love chestnuts, walnuts, and peanuts, too. I'm a nut nut! That's an old joke my dad told me when I was a little kid, and it's funny because it's true. It may be a cliché, but I go crazy for nuts. There's nothing I wouldn't do for nuts. I've been chased by dogs, cats, raccoons, and children while in pursuit of a luscious nut. You'd think I had some sort of death wish, but that's just not the case. I don't know if there are nuts in heaven, so I'm not looking to die. Believe me, I don't do this for the thrills. I do it for the nuts.

Just so you don't get the wrong idea, eating nuts isn't all I do. I like to chase other squirrels up and down the trees. I scramble madly up walls using my prehensile claws. Sometimes, I puff up my tail and charge at shadows. And, believe me, I do my share of dashing madly across telephone wires. But when I need to recharge, there's only one thing that can satisfy my hunger. Nuts! And a lot of 'em! Oh, boy!

Do you want to make good with me? Then you'd better bust out the nuts. That's the way to this squirrel's heart. Don't worry. You won't offend me if you assume that I eat nuts, because it's true. I do. So do all of my squirrel friends.

Admittedly, I eat more than just nuts. There aren't always nuts around, so I make do. Once, I found a half-eaten candy bar in the park. I was hungry, so I ate it. It was all right. But do you know what would have made it better? Nuts. If you had put some almonds or peanuts in that candy bar, it would've really been something. But you know what would've been even better? If you took all the candy out, and just left the nuts.

Life is short if you're a squirrel. What do I have? Two, three years? I have to live life to the fullest. I don't want people saying that I didn't take advantage of every opportunity that I had while I skittered around this green earth. If, when I'm gone, you hear someone say, "That Danny, he was a good guy, but he didn't eat many nuts," I insist you set them straight. You tell them that I loved nuts more than anything.

Man, all this talk of nuts is killing me.[/quote]

_http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33804
 
Hahahaha! :lol:

Makes me think I better get some nuts for the neighborhood Squirrels. I've been giving them cracked corn. Sorry Danny!
 
Since this spoof tells the truth, I posted it here instead of under "Tickle Me"

_http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxBHYU1DMUI&list=UUeYIXc0TLuTwG2EQN4ACFXg&index=1&feature=plcp
 
Funny snow cat magnet for sale on eBay [language 😼]:

s-l640.jpg


Yeah, well, we may all have that sentiment this coming winter!! 😝

Purchase info:
The Postcard Size Refrigerator Magnet, you see here was custom made. The flexible magnet measure approx. the size of a standard postcard. With variable measurements approx. 5" to 5/ 1/2" in length with heights between 3 3/4" to 4 inches. To make these a picture was taken from an original label, print, post card, advertisement or a magazine image, then photo printed onto glossy magnetic vinyl material with a high colorful resolution. It comes out with fine details as like the original. This item bring back memories of your favorite cat?...These are unique and inexpensive conversation items to look at on a Refrigerator, Locker, Tool Box, File Cabinet or any other smooth metal surface at home or work. These are not like peel back photo adhesive types you see on ebay selling much higher. The quality detailed on these are much better on the magnet than shown here and will last many years. The magnet will be sent in a polybag and security envelope with folded stock backing for added protection. It will be sent by First Class mail.. International bidders, please see shipping for details.

www.ebay.com

Funny Outside Snow Cat Refrigerator / Tool Box / File Cabinet Magnet | eBay

The quality detailed on these are much better on the magnet than shown here and will last many years.
www.ebay.com
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Thanks so much JEEP, those 2 photos really make my day! Especially the first one!
 
When I started this thread, I mistakenly identified the Quantum Quirk as the Sott picture of the day. So today, my post does refer to the current Quantum Quirk:

zarya1.jpg


Every time I look at this, my first thought is that's an alien - not a snowmobile! In fact, it could pass for the Braxton County Monster - baby size:

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It's the dash panel gauges, man! Spooky! :shock:
 
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