Break up with a pathological liar and manipulator

[T.C.]

Corvus, you should take note of the fact that your immediate reaction to every post is to instantly write back with defensiveness and justifications. Do you even have any capacity whatsoever to STOP and think about what people are saying to you? To ‘try on’ their thoughts and ideas and ‘wear’ them for a while to see how they feel and fit?

This is not to suggest that you are supposed to take every piece of feedback as 100% objective truth about you. But Corvus, at least take the amazing opportunity you have here to get out of your own way for a while and see aspects of yourself that you couldn’t have arrived at on your own.

Where in your assessment of your 8 month interaction with this woman is your critique of your own decisions and actions?

 

[ziutek]

Corvus, do you love this woman? And does she love you?
If so then money and your "flaws" will only be material for working together.
And if it's a loose relationship then why get so emotional?
Sorry, I may have made it shallow but that's what I think.

 

[T.C.]

2) It would serve absolutely no purpose for people to jump on board saying "yeah, what a horrible woman!" Even if she is, so what? The only thing Corvus can hope to change or control is himself and his own actions, which means stop seeing himself as a victim and uncover his own faults and failures of character that led to this miserable situation.

I am not saying I am a victim and my emotions are not raging, I do not know from what did you conclude that? As said it was a valubale lesson, and only fault there was me being too tolerant and not breaking it sooner but it was not too long relationship so I do not see it as a fault because some things I could have not known. Failure of character?

The problem is, you're trying to 'cherry pick' the lesson. Your interpretation of the events is what leads you to your conclusions about her and yourself, and what you're being offered is a different interpretation of events which, if taken on board by you, would lead to more sublte, nuanced, 'multi-level' understandings and lessons, rather than the simple, black and white ones you have come to on your own.

Eight months is a massive amount of time. You say it takes two years to get to know a person. While it may be true that there are always new things you can learn about someone, even after two years, it doesn't take long at all to know the things you really need to know about a person , and if you're looking for a life partner, they should be the very first things you endeavor to learn about them. But in order to be able to learn and know, and ask, and see those things, you need to know what you yourself want, being honest with yourself, having integrity and not compromising. Not knowing or being honest with yourself about what you want, ignoring red flags about someone, trying to make something work, these are, indeed, failures of character.

You said at one point, "I didn't ask for much, I just wanted a relationship." This reads like, "I was willing to make compromises in order to just be with this woman." By engaging in any sort of relationship with someone, you are asking things from them. Not knowing what you were asking for is a failure of character. Indeed, not asking for much from someone you were trying to be in a relationship with, is itself, a failure of characture.

 

[cassandra]

Hi Corvus! What drew you to this woman, apart from obviously finding her physically attractive? Did you have any common interests or hobbies, similar outlooks on life? What did you like about her or find interesting? How did your relationship begin?

Maybe these basic questions will help us understand what happened so we can help give you more precise feedback.

All I’m seeing so far is sex and money (and to me it sounds a bit sordid, maybe I’m old fashioned and naive), but how did it all start?

 

[Corvus]

When others mentioned the amount of emotion in your first post, that was brushed off by you, that no, you learned your lessons....and I'm not quoting you, but paraphrasing. Let me tell you what I experienced, as an empath, reading your 1st post. It was uncomfortable for me to read through your words because the feeling of being terribly wounded, was what I sensed. And this wound is tinged with anger....No doubt, I understand why. But it is still very raw and to try and work with this in a 4th Way type manner would not be advisable, imo. Wounding makes one blind to surrounding issues, most especially when there is also anger attached. So, you need time for that energy to diffuse some. Later, when you can look at it more objectively, you can enter into more deep self work.

Thank you, I felt betrayed and disappointed, and anger is maybe also because when knight returns after being wounded to his own he is being clubbed by his own, like putting the salt on the wound so this is also a good lesson for all about assumptions and projections. It will take some time but it will pass eventually but thank you. Meditation will help.

Can you see how this 'stuff' from your family dynamics might have influenced your attraction to the woman?

Yes, it could have been an unconscious but I was also exploring with longer relationships. Astrologer said there was and some fear but not so serious because of early years that I most managed to solve through work in younger years, and that that was taken from mother when there was a war because she was worried for a father that was in a danger, and she is Virgo and they can be fearful by nature and she is.

So no, young man, you are not getting your needs met. How could you?.....You've been immersed in a world of needy women. It is admirable, the things you have done or tried to do for women and children, and I believe you'd make a great husband and father one day. But what I would suggest, for now, is that you avoid entering into an intimate relationship, and give yourself time to sort things out and practice some self care. If not, you'll drag all this stuff/energy into future relationships with women.

That is what astrologer said that I should be more selfish and look more on myself because I was giving too much and people being more selfish, that it could have been also from past lives. He also said where I work there is a lot negative energies and entities , me being of more sensitive emotional nature and thoughts not my own being inserted by them.

Step out into other streams of life, that don't call for your role as a support or protector. Find some activities where both men and women in groups enjoy activities together, where you can unwind from work and home duties. Is there a pool (billards) league you can join? Some strenuous physical activity would be good too...Do you play basketball, softball, golf, or other? Get out there in the stream of life where you can enjoy the company of others just for the sake of it. Do you have an informal dinner you like to eat at?....Someplace friendly, where people know and talk with each other. I don't know how people socialize these days, I always did my own thing where I could be around people and meet my needs without depending on a love relationship for all.

I was planning to start training again in bjj and muay thai, been active in sport whole my life from 9 year old and being good at it so I ll try with it, I am training almost every second day and doing a bit of wrestling and sparring with collagues and yes some social activities would be nice but do not know many activities like that, maybe dance school would not ba a bad idea, but it all sounds silly in a way because I think I do not fit in in that kind of enviroment but having nothing to lose. I am going to coast tomorrow with my friend on two days to forget all those things and take some rest from it all.

 

[Zzartemis]

yes some social activities would be nice but do not know many activities like that, maybe dance school would not ba a bad idea, but it all sounds silly in a way because I think I do not fit in in that kind of enviroment but having nothing to lose

Well, another funny thing is that I was going to suggest dancing lessons, and I held it back. You know, I used to meet a man at a dance club and we would dance together.....this was the only relationship I had with him, at that dance hall....

 

[Corvus]

Hi Corvus! What drew you to this woman, apart from obviously finding her physically attractive? Did you have any common interests or hobbies, similar outlooks on life? What did you like about her or find interesting? How did your relationship begin?

Maybe these basic questions will help us understand what happened so we can help give you more precise feedback.

All I’m seeing so far is sex and money (and to me it sounds a bit sordid, maybe I’m old fashioned and naive), but how did it all start?

Besides physical attractivness at first there was similarity of charachter in a way I thought, she was very emotional and sensitive I thought, seemed as a decent person by her behaviour, had a fighting spirit, was more intelligent about some things, but we had different outlook but I was not looking for someone to have totaly same like we have here because knowing where we live and how world functions I knew you will never find someone like that and looking like that I would then never ever go into any kind of relationship and experience some things.

 

[Corvus]

You said at one point, "I didn't ask for much, I just wanted a relationship." This reads like, "I was willing to make compromises in order to just be with this woman." By engaging in any sort of relationship with someone, you are asking things from them. Not knowing what you were asking for is a failure of character. Indeed, not asking for much from someone you were trying to be in a relationship with, is itself, a failure of characture.

What I mean and sorry for not clarifying it more was someone who is simple, caring, who gives you support and who you give support, who has understanding. She said she liked my caring, understanding and attentativness, thanking for not giving up on her, and I rationalised her tantrums as a result of past traumas and stresses(but she was playing victim and in that way excusing herself) so I was one who was first to give my hand and wanting to help and she showed some progress and tried but to no avail because she can not go against her nature and said sometimes those things being stronger then her so she was being aware of it on maybe superficial mental level, no emotions with all the acting involved. When I saw that she was behaving worse and worse and hidding behind excuses and not doing anything about working on self I saw she is lost cause and left because there is always a limit for some things. Either way what goes around comes around and she has some big karmic debt that is coming to her maybe even in this life.

 

[genero81]

It's hard to believe this is four pages long. Work on yourself. Human beings are messy and when we decide to love someone, we should know that we are loving the good in them as well as the 'baggage' that's also part of who they are in total. You seem to me to live in an idealized version of reality which is very much your own lesson to work through.

It's also obvious to me that you are hurt yet you claimed otherwise at one point. So you are lying to someone, probably yourself.

Remove the splinter from your own eye.

 

[Corvus]

It's hard to believe this is four pages long. Work on yourself. Human beingYs are messy and when we decide to love someone, we should know that we are loving the good in them as well as the 'baggage' that's also part of who they are in total. You seem to me to live in an idealized version of reality which is very much your own lesson to work through.

That is your opinion, and only that your seeming opinion, and you made me laugh with that about idealized version of reality that was a good one. But you are right about thread being too long and having no purpose, there is no point in explaining anymore myself without being given so much advices by soo much allknowers in here.

 

[Corvus]

That is your opinion, and only that your seeming opinion, and you made me laugh with that about idealized version of reality that was a good one. But you are right about thread being too long and having no purpose, there is no point in explaining anymore myself without being given so much advices by soo much allknowers in here.

But it is true I have to work more on myself given the enviroment and everyday struggles being a disttaction from what is important. Thank you all for your input and time.