Break up with a pathological liar and manipulator

[Martina]

As @Zzartemis mentioned, dating single moms is a completely different category of dating, what are you to those children, mom's toy boy or their future step dad? There is more responsibility when children involved.

 

[Corvus]

@Corvus from the way you are writing I get the impression your thinking is muddled on this issue. I also get the impression you are looking for validation i.e., for people to say this woman is as you perceive and describe her.

From my reading of your post, I don't think you have self reflected on yourself and your contribution to the situation. You come across as a bit demanding - she should be this way, she should be that way. She makes demands on you which drive you up the wall but I don't think you are aware of the demands you made on her. It seems like a war of both sides demanding something from the other and then proceeding to throw a tantrum when the demand is not met. There appears to be a lack of compassion, understanding and patience on both sides.

She doesn't seem perfect or ideal from your description of her (but who is?) but I don't think this makes her this devil you are trying to portray. You should look at the role you played first and foremost - this is where you learn the lessons about yourself.

Try to communicate less in a demanding (and forceful) tone and more in an inquisitive one e.g. you could have asked Laura to give you examples of the situation she saw you could have manned up (and what she see's as manning up).

Assuming your aim for making this thread was to learn something, how do you intend to do that if you don't ask questions but rather write in a way to try and make people believe what you are saying and then become agitated and forceful if they ask you questions or throw a different perspective?

I do not need validation because I know and experienced it unlike people here and was just putting it here for learning purpose because you can never know a person and you need at least 2 years to get to now them really well and then it is questionable, and this person had some pathological tendencies, and I was not demanding she was, my demands were reaction to her behavior to set some limits what I will tolerate, she even said to her mother that she has nothing bad to say about it but I am maneging her change of behavior very well but exes also got fed up and drained if they were not cheated first and get to know that,

 

[SOTTREADER]

@Corvus, remember in the Work you should always maintain control over yourself in how you react or talk back to others. You are a police man, no doubt a strong man - it should therefore not be difficult not to "talk down" or "demean" others because you perceive them as not respecting you e.g. Cinnamons, Bhelmet. You should control yourself and your reactions. That's like a fundamental rule.

When it comes to this lady, I don't think you'll get anywhere with this thread if you don't simplify your thoughts to allow others a chance of communicating back effectively with you.

For example,

1. Money is a big topic from what you wrote and it can be a real issue for arguments in relationships. This can be a separate line of discussion in of itself. It may help to focus for a bit on this alone without bringing in the other stuff.
2. Then you clearly mentioned sex and her appetite - again, another different area. It might be as simple as you aren't compatible.

Etc

In all these there is a) how you see things and how they should be b) how she saw things and how they should be and c) the collision of a & b. Really a relationship won't work unless people can meet somewhere in the middle - people must want to do this otherwise they aren't a good match for each other.

 

[Corvus]

As @Zzartemis mentioned, dating single moms is a completely different category of dating, what are you to those children, mom's toy boy or their future step dad? There is more responsibility when children involved.

Yes, I know and children accepted me, helping them out with homework, going to school meeting with her, driving them to school, etc..so thanks for asking but no was not behaving like a toyboy.

From my reading of your post, I don't think you have self reflected on yourself and your contribution to the situation. You come across as a bit demanding - she should be this way, she should be that way. She makes demands on you which drive you up the wall but I don't think you are aware of the demands you made on her. It seems like a war of both sides demanding something from the other and then proceeding to throw a tantrum when the demand is not met. There appears to be a lack of compassion, understanding and patience on both sides.

She doesn't seem perfect or ideal from your description of her (but who is?) but I don't think this makes her this devil you are trying to portray. You should look at the role you played first and foremost - this is where you learn the lessons about yourself.

Try to communicate less in a demanding (and forceful) tone and more in an inquisitive one e.g. you could have asked Laura to give you examples of the situation she saw you could have manned up (and what she see's as manning up).

Assuming your aim for making this thread was to learn something, how do you intend to do that if you don't ask questions but rather write in a way to try and make people believe what you are saying and then become agitated and forceful if they ask you questions or throw a different perspective?

I know single mom are different, dated many women and read books about it, etc,, but I think you do not really understand crux of situation and are missing my point and mark here because you are of that thinking the truth is somewhere in the middle and it does not have to be so and here is not so.

 

[Beau]

That was what I was doing, was not hurrying things but she was hurrying wanted me to go to an apartment after couple a months but I did not wanted thought it being too soon, wanting to wait minimum a year, and one day after spending two days at hers place

Well one moment you said you were not trying to move too fast, and then you say you spent two days at her place. What do you think that would signal to her? She wanted certain things in a relationship, if you were not ready for that you should have made it clear with your words and ACTIONS. Staying at her place for multiple days sends a message to her that you want a serious relationship, not that you want to take things slowly.

How do you propose you can get person better before going into intimate relationship?

How about getting to know someone as a person and friend first. You have the capability of telling someone no, correct?

 

[SOTTREADER]

@Corvus - personally I am not disputing that it is reasonable for financial costs to be shared (or a reasonable agreement reached that both parties are happy with) or that one should take things slow and allow time for people to get to know each other etc etc. I don't think most people would disagree with what you say.

I actually think the so-called heat you are experiencing in this thread and so called lack of understanding you are perceiving is all down to how you are communicating. English isn't your first language but this isn't the problem because you can articulate yourself well enough. You need to think about how you are communicating - this is where you are getting problems from.

 

[Corvus]

I'd also question why would you consult astrology and psychics about the woman, @Corvus ?
Chances of you getting served up exactly what you already believe are high.

He is not so much of a psychic but and astrologer and does natal charts and etc and stars do not lie, but either way thank you for your input and "understanding" so much it is better to keep some things for myself in the future.

 

[Corvus]

How about getting to know someone as a person and friend first. You have the capability of telling someone no, correct?

When most women today in this wolrd says to you let be friends it is a polite way of saying get lost.

Well one moment you said you were not trying to move too fast, and then you say you spent two days at her place. What do you think that would signal to her? She wanted certain things in a relationship, if you were not ready for that you should have made it clear with your words and ACTIONS. Staying at her place for multiple days sends a message to her that you want a serious relationship, not that you want to take things slowly.

I was spending time at her and my place, sometimes she would be at my place, yes I was sending signal i was serious and she saw it but I was not living all the time with her, things started slowly and progressed from there and second time we took it slower and it was natural progression, next step was living with her and she got angry because it was not fast like she wanted, but it was too fast by all relationship standards and too soon, where was she hurrying take a guess.

I actually think the so-called heat you are experiencing in this thread and so called lack of understanding you are perceiving is all down to how you are communicating. English isn't your first language but this isn't the problem because you can articulate yourself well enough. You need to think about how you are communicating - this is where you are getting problems from.

True, that was what that astrologer said also.

 

[Corvus]

1. Money is a big topic from what you wrote and it can be a real issue for arguments in relationships. This can be a separate line of discussion in of itself. It may help to focus for a bit on this alone without bringing in the other stuff.
2. Then you clearly mentioned sex and her appetite - again, another different area. It might be as simple as you aren't compatible.

Yes money is often the issue in relationship and I have that suspicion of being used what the astrologer said is maybe from past lives also but it is justified like it was now, and sex is a big thing for her, I also like sex and had it often especially at the beginning, I would say too much and she had higher demands as said, but she probably has too much of that sex apetite and lack of control, scorpions and lions are compatible in that regard because of passion, despite saying that it is not so important to her at first, then said it is, then at the end it is not, and now I know that she has no control, she was carrying a mask of normalacy and decency but was lying and acting and it would be only a matter of time before she cheated so good riddance but she said while drunk that night I would remember her for all my life so she is probably planning something to embaress me, because her ego could not handle being dumped but I secured myself for equal measure if it happens.

 

[Beau]

When most women today in this wolrd says to you let be friends it is a polite way of saying get lost.

I understand that, and it's often a dealbreaker. I'll just say that there are women who are willing to be patient, and those that aren't are probably not a good candidate for someone who wants to take it slow. You'll have to be choosy, but from your own words you don't want to go fast so why choose to be with someone who doesn't want that?

 

[cinnamon]

You do not understand, I am not telling it is not a good thing to be responsible but this is too excessive and probably normal for some European protestant countries but not here at us for most people, so basically starving yourself and kids with meals while you can afford it for some future project and then when you also have enough money later you will continue starving self still normal for you?And coming home having nothing to eat because she was in no mood making something to eat and having to order something from outside and buying often dinner is normal to you? That is why it is materialistic, the end goal is having more and more money for the sake of money not for the sake of making your life easier. And the second time we met I was having old viking historical ring on my finger and she asked me how much does it cost which was first alert and felt weird.

Saving and making do with less is generally regarded as prudent - I think it's an admirable virtue, at least. It's not normal in the U.S. - but why be normal when you can be wise? Ordering in is reasonable on a stressful day.

Keeping spare money is how you build savings and possibly even invest - otherwise, how are you supposed to make it if/when you can't work?

I do not see it as vulgar, it depends on person openess, for some yes for others not,yes sex topics are taboo for some, because of societies influence making it like that while on the other hand many talk about in secretly and it is necessary here for some understanding.

Yes, that was a mistake from my side but you see here where I live and most of my friends that are in marriage and dating share equally because those times when men were only working and paying is over, women are also working and she had bigger pay then me.

I was putting some limits and expecting balanced approach and in that way knowing she cared also and not only using me.

From what you have posted - it appears that you knowingly entertained a woman who engaged in 'soft prostitution', for lack of a better way of putting it. If you start overly generous and she sleeps with you in response, it implies that you are up for being a 'client', so to speak. It will never be a 'balanced' relationship and is not an appropriate lifestyle choice for a man who does not have substantial means.

Here comes your ignorance at play, you see I have a good paycheck for the state standard but not enough so I can afford paying for an apartment, car and food alone because I would very fast end up broke because all is expensive and pay not big if not living with someone else to share the costs and you see mother is old and sick, there is also divorced sister with problems on the upper floor with two kids, mother has almost no pension after 40 years of hard work so you see I have to help almost alone finnancialy my mother and helping around a house which is not a cheap thing when the most country residents are poor and barley making ends meat. You see should try for a few years to come here from West and se how long would you last my friend.

Here again comes your ignorance which is suprising because you indirectly called 95 percent or more of regions inhabitants being drifters, it is not so much of not wanting to work and not working but pay being low and there being no jobs because economy being destoryed by politicians with the help of western democracy for almost 30 years, corruption all over and only way you can succed by having political connections and nepotism, those who want to work end up in bottom and those who work the least have money and do nothing because they are put in positions. You westerners have hard time knowing that because you do not live that kind of life.

Having contracted out IT work abroad - I can factually state that there is no cost savings in doing so given the requirement of equal talent, competent technologists cost just as much in Budapest and Bangalore as they do in Boston.

You know me in person and that I am emotionally draining? Let she play the game but I do not want to play with that kind of woman because I do not see money as a source of happines and those kind of people have much to learn and those kind of people leave you at the first sign of trouble so not a someone you want to spent your time with.

Consider your responses in this thread.

I don't think anyone goes with 'soft prostitution' as their first choice in life - they do it because they're in a bad way and wish to improve their situations - money may not be a source of happiness but it solves a lot of problems, and it is a lot easier to not be so concerned about material when you feel you have enough of it.

 

[MirAd]

i don't quite understand how people making excuses for this woman. she's horrible human being, tbh. corvus, you should examine your shadow and what exactly attracted you to her other than high sex drive (and looks potentially). she surely isn't wife material, plus has kids from previous marriage which a dealbraker in itself for many people.

women like this should be avoided like a plague.

 

[Corvus]

Saving and making do with less is generally regarded as prudent - I think it's an admirable virtue, at least. It's not normal in the U.S. - but why be normal when you can be wise? Ordering in is reasonable on a stressful day.

Like said different cultures, different habits and different people have different take on things but there is a line between saving and being a miser, because you probably save a lot and felt attacked and identified in my post.

From what you have posted - it appears that you knowingly entertained a woman who engaged in 'soft prostitution', for lack of a better way of putting it. If you start overly generous and she sleeps with you in response, it implies that you are up for being a 'client', so to speak. It will never be a 'balanced' relationship and is not an appropriate lifestyle choice for a man who does not have substantial means.

As I said it before I did not know her past until we broke up and before that she made convincing lies and emotions were also involved. It went as a normal relationship would, first drink, going out to billiard ,dinner, pool, having fun and getting to know eachother ,etc, there was not sleep until 6 7 th date only so it was not so fast by todays standards. But one of signs you watch beside woman having a baggage and integritety and respect for you is if she is giving also, if she is not it is time to go away because she is probably using you for a free meal and lunch, but it all became evident gradually more and more. It is a different thing when it is consciously done by both sides.

Consider your responses in this thread.

I don't think anyone goes with 'soft prostitution' as their first choice in life - they do it because they're in a bad way and wish to improve their situations - money may not be a source of happiness but it solves a lot of problems, and it is a lot easier to not be so concerned about material when you feel you have enough of it.

Those kind of people have no self respect, they value only money and sell themselves for it and they value people based on their pocket and not caracther and qualities, it is like that in sts world, and they have no consciousness nor societies morals but only self interest, and you seem like you defend that kind of behaviour and no not all people do not do it for lack of money but because they want an easier and more comfortable life without any effort or suffering by doing normal jobs and other things in life and think money will give them freedom.

 

[Corvus]

i don't quite understand how people making excuses for this woman. she's horrible human being, tbh. corvus, you should examine your shadow and what exactly attracted you to her other than high sex drive (and looks potentially). she surely isn't wife material, plus has kids from previous marriage which a dealbraker in itself for many people.

women like this should be avoided like a plague.

That is that saying let the knight help that lady in distress and he ended up being backstabbed by her. Lesson learned. Thing I was fascinated with so much good acting and conviencing like a psychopath does so she probably has those psycho elements, rotating guys all the time and dumping them. Did not trust people very much before because most are for s..., now even more.

 

[BHelmet]

Are you also always so proud of being so considerable and having fun in real life?

I am not sure exactly what you mean. I do try to take responsibility for who I might be. It seems you might be triggered by something you are reading into what I typed. Perhaps you feel I am having fun at your expense. If so, that could either be valid or your own self-importance could be reacting due to the feeling I am belittling you in some way. I do not want to belittle you.

If I was posting about my own personal relationship issues, I know the Swamp would be the place. And I know I have my own mini soap operas in life all over the place. This involves a lot of personal subjectivity and judging the actions and motives of others from a potentially skewed point of view. Placing these things in the generalized "What's on my mind" category indicates the potential for a lack of internal as well as external consideration. There is no way any outsider can know, from the account given by one side, what is really true.

Actually I accepted that what you are saying is basically true; that you are involved in some sort of dysfunctional feeding relationship. I did not jump on you in any way because I know I do not know. I was not there with you watching things play out.

But I don't really care who is right and who is wrong. If you have extricated yourself, then why write about it at all? I get it, you are giving a warning, perhaps to yourself. By all the detail it sounds like maybe you re trying to justify yourself? I don't know. All I meant to say is that this sort of thing belongs in the more subjective, self-help/personal relationship oriented Swamp. Basically if it is a "he said/she said" without a clear lesson message, I am not really interested.

Life is a constant struggle and stress these days; but like the saying: Don't let the Bastards (and bitches?) wear you down. I try to watch my own altitude and be light when things are overly heavy as a counter balance. I don't mean to project I am holier than thou. Or that any of my relationships are perfect.