Break up with a pathological liar and manipulator

[Carl]

i don't quite understand how people making excuses for this woman. she's horrible human being, tbh. corvus, you should examine your shadow and what exactly attracted you to her other than high sex drive (and looks potentially). she surely isn't wife material, plus has kids from previous marriage which a dealbraker in itself for many people.

women like this should be avoided like a plague.

Because 1) It's only one side of the story, and he writes with obvious bias and still raging emotions. All people have good traits and bad traits. We often feel venomous towards our exes, paint their character in a totally unfair light and go into victim thinking. We can actually get addicted to that state and get a high from it, and want to spread that negative energy. Some people get hung up on that for their entire lives! So that's a hard no.

2) It would serve absolutely no purpose for people to jump on board saying "yeah, what a horrible woman!" Even if she is, so what? The only thing Corvus can hope to change or control is himself and his own actions, which means stop seeing himself as a victim and uncover his own faults and failures of character that led to this miserable situation.

 

[SOTTREADER]

... and sex is a big thing for her, I also like sex and had it often especially at the beginning, I would say too much and she had higher demands as said, but she probably has too much of that sex apetite and lack of control, scorpions and lions are compatible in that regard because of passion...

I know single mom are different, dated many women.....

@Corvus I'm going to pull on this specific string - to me, it appears that you were partly attracted to this woman for her drive/passions in the bedroom. In a strange way, the parts that you appear to now not like about her are also characteristics and attributes you hold to certain degrees. You accuse this woman of being "experienced" with men, but my reading of the above quote is you are also "experienced" with women. You accuse her of passion, but by stating the compatability of your astrology sign and hers you confirm you have this passion too.

It reads like her attributes are just more extreme than yours but you hold the same attributes in turn.

You have a strong sense of how a "modern" relationship should work. From a man's view, you do not want to be a "sponsor" but you do want to be sponsored in terms of your needs - the woman should know how to be (e.g. know when to cook for you as you said in one of the posts above) and she should not be more than this otherwise she may start to affect your sensibilities negatively. She should have passion, but not too much, she should allow you to treat her financially/materially (to the extent it makes you feel like you are performing your duty) but not too much otherwise you are her sponsor etc etc. In an opposite sense she had a strong sense of how things should be - it's just that her sense took your sense to the extreme.

Is there something this situation is trying to show you about yourself? Can you try and unpick it? It's coming across to me that some of the things that you are saying you don't like in her are in you and this situation was some sort of mirror for this.

 

[Corvus]

@Corvus, remember in the Work you should always maintain control over yourself in how you react or talk back to others. You are a police man, no doubt a strong man - it should therefore not be difficult not to "talk down" or "demean" others because you perceive them as not respecting you e.g. Cinnamons, Bhelmet. You should control yourself and your reactions. That's like a fundamental rule.

It is, it is different on a job where you do not take things so personally but also with time you have less and less patience and more anger with people because, there is too much negative energies involved because of the nature of job, sometimes you only just wait for shift to finish and just want to come back home. They say jokingly 7 years is a limit, and after that you can not stay normal anymore, and I am in the time limit now. Thanks for the input and reminder.

You'll have to be choosy, but from your own words you don't want to go fast so why choose to be with someone who doesn't want that?

She slowed it down then but was not happy with it because she thought if she pressured me too much I would leave what happened in the end but the constant arguments about unimportant things started like once she had to stay at my place but I sugessted coffe before and she got angry why change of plans and that she will think about if she will come because of that, and that was a time I almost dumped her because of that kind of behavior, and there were similar situations that is why I said it is finished in the end, gave her time to work on those anger issues and wanting to argue but it is not issues it is her nature .

 

[SOTTREADER]

It is, it is different on a job where you do not take things so personally but also with time you have less and less patience and more anger with people because, there is too much negative energies involved because of the nature of job, sometimes you only just wait for shift to finish and just want to come back home. They say jokingly 7 years is a limit, and after that you can not stay normal anymore, and I am in the time limit now. Thanks for the input and reminder.

I understand - basically you are in a situation where it is easy to become highly identified with the situation (because of the stress etc) and more likely to forget yourself.

Remember - "Life is religion".

It is in such situations that it becomes increasingly important to remember yourself and the ideals you are aiming for. It's not easy but you must practice when the situation shows itself - how else will you develop your character?

Here's an example: "Whilst it's important to be nice and personable when you win, it is even more important to be nice and personable when you lose". In the first situation it is easy, in the second situation it is difficult but it is only in the difficult situations that you really forge who you really want to be.

 

[Alma.Innovadora]

Repair yourself to know how to get involved in a healthy and balanced relationship. Fatal mistake to go through life labeling anyone who doesn't support our whims as lizards//materialistic/witches and nothing more. Everything is a lesson, before pointing fingers at others, we must first look inside ourselves.

This should lay the groundwork for what you need to know about yourself first. I think you should just be brutally honest with yourself and acknowledge that she knows what she wants but you are not up to it, for whatever underlying reason but that only you should find out and meditate on it.

Being up to it, not that if you are an alpha male but precisely because you think of "being alpha" or something similar like "to be the right man for her" is that you keep forcing something that does not even stick with glue.

I think this woman has a lot more to teach you in every way to really define what you are looking for in a partner and get rid of your whims reflected in a woman. I repeat, indifferent if she is a lizard, a vampire, etc. It's a lesson! that reflects more about yourself while you're overthinking how to decipher her.

While you try to read her with a manual and horoscope, she simply knows the type of man she needs. The methods and her ways to get there, it's her decision, it's her life line you just have to decide whether or not to get out of that circle according to your intention, because as BHelmet says, that's a dysfunctional relationship.

I was thinking things like you a long time ago, until I came across this:

I started to discover something true about myself.
Your growth as a man has a limit, until a woman teaches you enough about yourself, to be able to mature more, and it is only through the eyes of that person you give yourself to that she teaches you so many things about yourself, which are the qualities you depend on, that you like, that you respect, because she showed you from afar something that no mirror could show you.

But deep down I still felt dirty, I didn't want to be that prisoner who lets a woman fall in love with me, knowing that I would suck her the life.

 

[mkrnhr]

Hello Corvus,
A break-up, no matter the reasons that lead to it is often a painful and traumatic experience. The relationship is over and what you can earn from the past is how not to fall into the same errors and patterns in the future.
I may not have understood everything but what transpires in the end is that it wasn't a good relationship. The question is why and how. Now, your ex girlfriend may have been pathological with lots of issues, which is possible because there are a lot like that out there. By virtue of your profession, you should be aware of that possibility even more than others. The question you can ask yourself is what it is in you that allowed this situation to develop. You cannot change your ex girlfriend but you can change that thing in you that led you to this situation so that it does not repeat in the future. Of course it is difficult to think about these things when one is still emotionally bruised and still angry with the situation and oneself, but calming down and self-examining is an essential step in the process of becoming a better person.

 

[Corvus]

2) It would serve absolutely no purpose for people to jump on board saying "yeah, what a horrible woman!" Even if she is, so what? The only thing Corvus can hope to change or control is himself and his own actions, which means stop seeing himself as a victim and uncover his own faults and failures of character that led to this miserable situation.

I am not saying I am a victim and my emotions are not raging, I do not know from what did you conclude that? As said it was a valubale lesson, and only fault there was me being too tolerant and not breaking it sooner but it was not too long relationship so I do not see it as a fault because some things I could have not known. Failure of character? Use your words more wisely because you do not know me and you also are from perfect like other people here. The only thing that is getting me as being one who was manipulated and lied too and was doing everything and putting every effort for it to work, being honest and being criticised here for something I did not do.

You have a strong sense of how a "modern" relationship should work. From a man's view, you do not want to be a "sponsor" but you do want to be sponsored in terms of your needs - the woman should know how to be (e.g. know when to cook for you as you said in one of the posts above) and she should not be more than this otherwise she may start to affect your sensibilities negatively. She should have passion, but not too much, she should allow you to treat her financially/materially (to the extent it makes you feel like you are performing your duty) but not too much otherwise you are her sponsor etc etc. In an opposite sense she had a strong sense of how things should be - it's just that her sense took your sense to the extreme.

It was not like that at all, my expectations were normal, you missed the mark. I was also cooking with here and making meal often.

@Corvus I'm going to pull on this specific string - to me, it appears that you were partly attracted to this woman for her drive/passions in the bedroom. In a strange way, the parts that you appear to now not like about her are also characteristics and attributes you hold to certain degrees. You accuse this woman of being "experienced" with men, but my reading of the above quote is you are also "experienced" with women. You accuse her of passion, but by stating the compatability of your astrology sign and hers you confirm you have this passion too.

One is being experienced a lot in dating and other is being a lot experienced in sex. In this second she was beyond me and what does that tell you. Yes there is compatibility in passion but that is only that.

 

[SOTTREADER]

@Corvus, please note whilst people are giving you views and thoughts based on what you write, it's to a certain extent educated guesses based on the experience and knowledge various people have gathered (coupled with what you are sharing). Whilst you say, "no, you've missed the mark" or "where did you get that from" please bear in mind no one here is a wizard and the "game" is not for us to unravel your situation like we had a camera and microphone following you throughout this "relationship".

I think the aim is more for people to give you enough for you to learn something or get something useful out of the situation than before you started this thread. For that to happen there must be something you must give to the situation.

Here is a challenge:

Tell us what you have learnt from this experience about yourself without talking about her and her behaviour as you perceive it. Make it all about you - what have you taken away from the situation?

 

[Corvus]

It is in such situations that it becomes increasingly important to remember yourself and the ideals you are aiming for. It's not easy but you must practice when the situation shows itself - how else will you develop your character?

Maybe I won t, maybe I will, it is not an end of a world either way, and not the first or last who ended like that.

A break-up, no matter the reasons that lead to it is often a painful and traumatic experience. The relationship is over and what you can earn from the past is how not to fall into the same errors and patterns in the future.

Yes, that is the valuable lesson that was learned and I am gratefull for it because I am richer in experience and knowledge. How would you know it if you did not try it.

 

[Corvus]

Tell us what you have learnt from this experience about yourself without talking about her and her behaviour as you perceive it. Make it all about you - what have you taken away from the situation?

Listen to intuition more by better controlling emotions and on first bigger red flag go and do not believe much what people say despite it being convincing, but look for what they do because most are beyond saving, and what you get from it is not worth in the end, but still this experience was needed to see where does it leads-exploration, through pain you learn.

 

[Corvus]

Listen to intuition more by better controlling emotions and on first bigger red flag go and do not believe much what people say despite it being convincing, but look for what they do because most are beyond saving, and what you get from it is not worth in the end, but still this experience was needed to see where does it leads-exploration, through pain you learn.

And look more for myself and my needs because I was looking for an emotional support also.

 

[Alma.Innovadora]

And look more for myself and my needs because I was looking for an emotional support also.

From what point of view do you think you need emotional support? why do you think she or others have it for you? was that really what you were looking for or was it just the cover of a deeper issue that you don't yet see but you see it only as "my need"? what kind of need? why?

It is, it is different on a job where you do not take things so personally but also with time you have less and less patience and more anger with people because, there is too much negative energies involved because of the nature of job, sometimes you only just wait for shift to finish and just want to come back home.

It is up to you to decide what to do and how to react and act with all that. The rest is blaming the environment, being more defined by what happens to you than by how you decide to be. There are simpler jobs and people still react the wrong way, taking their problems home too, day after day. When our needs are met, even hell seems like paradise from time to time, it changes our perception of things. Perception.

 

[Corvus]

From what point of view do you think you need emotional support? why do you think she or others have it for you? was that really what you were looking for or was it just the cover of a deeper issue that you don't yet see but you see it only as "my need"? what kind of need? why?

I am not looking for it actively but in a healthy relationship mutual support should be a common thing.

 

[Alma.Innovadora]

I am not looking for it actively but in a healthy relationship mutual support should be a common thing.

Possibly, it depends on the definition of "healthy" that you have because the natural way in which things should happen, is not usually precisely the "healthy" way in which many believe they should happen. And everyone subjectively defines a "healthy" way in which they demand for themselves what they believe they need.

How "healthy" do you think you are? what and how is it projected in what you give? how does it come back? how far do you reach to see beyond what you only see that you don't have because you expect it because you act in a certain way? Do you think it's in a healthy way for you to go to a psychic to tell you what every woman in your life will be like so you have a manual on how to act as the cards dictate?

Did you find it healthy to put on the scales the experience of her ex-partners to justify what she does or does not do right according to your conviction and false expectations and believe that you are totally right because everyone has a piece of the same deception map pointing to her?

Do not answer for the sake of answering, meditate on what everyone has commented and contemplate with patience. Take a good look at the experience.

Only you believe what you believe you are looking for and the way to, you do not have to convince anyone more than you convince you of being right in many aspects that you have let see, you have yet to discover and then "actively" do something about it for you and for you to be able to function in a "healthy" way and establish "healthy" relationships.

 

[Zzartemis]

I'd also question why would you consult astrology and psychics about the woman, @Corvus ?
Chances of you getting served up exactly what you already believe are high.

Hi again, @Corvus. I'm going to change it up a bit here, come from a different angle. I'm an empath; you know what that is, correct? The reason I asked the above is because psychics will pick up and read what's in your energy field. The more visual ones will see a type of film playing out...your life film. I percieve a bit differently than that, but not without occasional visuals.

Now, I can't read anything about the woman you spoke of because she's not typing words upon the page. But I can pick up much about about you. As I mentioned about psychics, we'll 'read' what's in your energy field, and that has very much to do with your narrative.

When others mentioned the amount of emotion in your first post, that was brushed off by you, that no, you learned your lessons....and I'm not quoting you, but paraphrasing. Let me tell you what I experienced, as an empath, reading your 1st post. It was uncomfortable for me to read through your words because the feeling of being terribly wounded, was what I sensed. And this wound is tinged with anger....No doubt, I understand why. But it is still very raw and to try and work with this in a 4th Way type manner would not be advisable, imo. Wounding makes one blind to surrounding issues, most especially when there is also anger attached. So, you need time for that energy to diffuse some. Later, when you can look at it more objectively, you can enter into more deep self work.
Because, here's the thing, mixed up with all that newly acquired wounding and anger, is a lot of other people's stuff/energy.

Let me show you what I 'see.' You're a take charge type of man; you see things that need attention in others' lives, where they are failing, for whatever reason, and it gives you satisfaction to help. You likened yourself as a knight rushing to the aid of the damsel in distress. I also see the dutiful son to his widowed mother and protective brother and uncle to a husbandless sister and fatherless (maybe to an extent) nieces and/or nephews....Can you see how this 'stuff' from your family dynamics might have influenced your attraction to the woman?

I also see the police officer, whose role emeshes with those mentioned in the above paragraph. You're not just out there fighting crime, if only that, it would make your life so much simpler....No, mostly what police officers deal with are domestic disputes and all the wounding of others, which cause so much suffering. You deal with drunks and drug users, all emitting their own brand of pain and suffering...And I'd bet, you hear pleas, not unlike your own here....And your job is to bring order to the chaos.

God knows, you've been branded with the ultimate role of a Savior. The visual that comes to me, when I 'see' you, is that of Atlas, holding the world up upon his bent back. And that's enough to cause you to have lower back problems, if you don't already.

So no, young man, you are not getting your needs met. How could you?.....You've been immersed in a world of needy women. It is admirable, the things you have done or tried to do for women and children, and I believe you'd make a great husband and father one day. But what I would suggest, for now, is that you avoid entering into an intimate relationship, and give yourself time to sort things out and practice some self care. If not, you'll drag all this stuff/energy into future relationships with women.

Step out into other streams of life, that don't call for your role as a support or protector. Find some activities where both men and women in groups enjoy activities together, where you can unwind from work and home duties. Is there a pool (billards) league you can join? Some strenuous physical activity would be good too...Do you play basketball, softball, golf, or other? Get out there in the stream of life where you can enjoy the company of others just for the sake of it. Do you have an informal dinner you like to eat at?....Someplace friendly, where people know and talk with each other. I don't know how people socialize these days, I always did my own thing where I could be around people and meet my needs without depending on a love relationship for all.

Take care of yourself, son; become an explorer and find some joy, so you can be willing to be vulerable with a woman again by being open and build trust in/with/together.

Michelle