Well
@Chu , she’s worried that my behavior will be overheard by the owner who rents the place to us. We have one of four tiny cottages that occupy the space of a single family home, so it’s very intimate. Everybody hears everything. Fortunately two of them are empty for refurbishing at the moment. For years the owner was an old man who lived a few miles away and only showed up on the first. But he died a few years ago and now his daughter is the owner and she lives on site. These cottages were built by her grandfather 100 years ago, so they have virtually no sound insulation. The EMTs carrying me out on a gurney is a neighborhood event.
Additionally, there’s still the terminal illness thing that’s hanging over my head, and without Wendy I really don’t possess the will to put up a fight, or rally. I have no one to fight for. I’m exhausted all the time. And since this most recent week in the hospital I still feel like I’m under water. I feel drunk and dizzy. My equilibrium is shot. It takes every ounce of energy just to get off the couch and walk ten paces to the bathroom. Last night I fell asleep on the toilet for an entire hour until Wendy woke me up. My head is swimming in echoes. I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday.
I’m just really mentally drained and physically exhausted. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without this community. The loneliness would otherwise be crushing. I go to add an emoji, and the first thing that comes up on my phone are stickers of my baby picture and Wendy’s. It’s heartbreaking. My whole life is surrounded with reminders that it’s built brick by brick into somebody else’s. But you’re still here, so I can keep talking.
