panca kanga said:
Dylan said:
Isn't it the case that the STS nature of people is, in some instances destructive to our path regardless? Or is there a threshold where external consideration yields to self preservation?
I thought that a lot of
the point of External Consideration was that it is a self protective strategy. In the same way as STO helps self by helping others so STO protects self by considering others - not imposing unwanted points of view or ways of behaviour upon the other. After all,
if you try to impose some thing on someone that they do not want or are not interested, in they are quite likely react negatively and strike back in some way.
These are important points I think, external consideration is about being attentive to the needs of others, of considering them first and adapting our manner accordingly in order to
help them – which in turn helps us. As others have stated there can be no hard and fast rules, and there will be pathological types from whom it is certainly best to get clear of, but the question should be always be approached carefully and things given due consideration. Networking helps.
Many people tend to consider the question of this or that person becoming an ‘enemy’ from completely the wrong angle, get into the wrong mode of thinking about it, an ‘us and them’ type of thing which helps no one. We forget or fail to even notice that
it is not other people who have changed, but something in
us that is now different. From this point of view
it is we who have become the enemy. If we say or do silly things, change drastically overnight or whatever we only have ourselves to blame then if attack comes our way which might otherwise have been avoided.
[quote author=In Search of the Miraculous]
"General conditions at the beginning of the work are usually of the following kind. First of all it is explained to all the members of a group that they must keep secret everything they hear or learn in the group and not only while they are members of it but forever afterwards.
"This is an indispensable condition whose idea should be clear to them from the very beginning. In other words, it should be clear to them that in this there is no attempt whatever to make a secret of what is not essentially a secret, neither is there any deliberate intention to deprive them of the right to exchange views with those near to them or with their friends.
"The idea of this restriction consists in the fact that they are unable to transmit correctly what is said in the groups. They very soon begin to learn from their own personal experience how much effort, how much time, and how much explaining is necessary in order to grasp what is said in groups. It becomes clear to them that
they are unable to give their friends a right idea of what they have learned themselves. At the same time also they begin to understand that by giving their friends wrong ideas they shut them off from any possibility of approaching the work at any time or of understanding anything in connection with the work,
to say nothing of the fact that in this way they are creating very many difficulties and even very much unpleasantness for themselves in the future. If a man in spite of this tries to transmit what he hears in groups to his friends he will very quickly be convinced that attempts in this direction give
entirely unexpected and undesirable results. Either people begin to argue with him and without wanting to listen to him expect him to listen to their theories, or they misinterpret everything he tells them, attach an entirely different meaning to everything they hear from him. In seeing this and understanding the uselessness of such attempts a man begins to see one aspect of this restriction.
"The other and no less important side consists in the fact that
it is very difficult for a man to keep silent about things that interest him. He would like to speak about them to everyone with whom he is accustomed to share his thoughts, as he calls it. This is the most mechanical of all desires and in this case silence is the most difficult abstinence of all. But if a man understands this or, at least, if he follows this rule, it will constitute for him the best exercise possible for self-remembering and for the development of will. Only a man who can be silent when it is necessary can be master of himself.
"But for many people it is very difficult to reconcile themselves to the thought that one of their chief characteristics consists in undue talkativeness, especially for people who are accustomed to regard themselves as serious or sound persons, or for those who regard themselves as silent persons who are fond of solitude and reflection. And for this reason this demand is especially important. In remembering about this and in carrying it out, a man begins to see sides of himself which he never noticed before.”[/quote]
It’s a mistake I’ve made myself, and goes something like this... When you begin to talk to others about ideas which to them have suddenly appeared completely out of nowhere (and in which they have no interest), to them it is as if a small spot has suddenly appeared on your forehead. The more we talk, the more we start to act differently towards others (lack of external consideration), the more the spot grows becoming larger by the day. It begins to irritate people, while we on the other hand are completely oblivious to it’s appearance, and so we carry on.
Finally we can talk so much (nonsense) that the little annoying spot grows into a huge target, now folk have something to aim for! It’s like the playground joke of sticking a note on someones back reading “kick me”, only we attach the note on ourselves. If things get hooked up to an us/them, everyone else is an ‘enemy’ attitude, then that shows through loud and clear to others as well I think in aloof/standoffish/condescending way. By that point, not only have we placed the target on our head, we’re leaving arrows around the place too.
“Always expect attack! Especially if it will cause problems later on” as the Cs put it. From this point of view we can become our own worst enemy. The best line of defence against ourselves while working out with whom we wish to spend time with and whom we’d rather not, is (as much as is sensible) not outwardly to not change anything about us form other’s point of view. And certainly not to waffle on about matters in which they have zero interest.
Stick with whatever worked before, but do it consciously, learn play a role. If Bob always liked to talk with you about football, then talk about football. If Mary likes to make small talk and gossip, then do that – whatever it takes! Whatever works for them, works for us. If we’re more attentive to the needs of others, do everything we can to make their lives easier, make them more comfortable and feel at ease around is, then we’re far less likely to make ourselves their enemy.
Worth remembering at this time of year as many of us head off for family get-togethers. Much energy can be conserved!
