Figurative Language

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My daughter's friend sent me these:

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.


2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.


3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.


4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.


5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.


6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.


7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.


8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.


9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.


10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.


11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.


12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.


13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.


14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.


15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.


16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.


17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.


18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.


19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.


20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.


21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.


22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.


23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.


24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.


25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.


26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.


27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.


28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.

 

[Gimpy]

I love these. My sister teaches high school and she tries to send me examples of purple prose too.

Thanks for the smile! It was much needed today.


Gimpy

 

[GRiM]

Douglas Adam's books are full of these :)

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.

It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase "As pretty as an airport" appear

Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

The reason why so many sects hang around airports looking for converts: they know that people there are at their most vulnerable and perplexed, and ready to accept any kind of guidance.

In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.

In order to fly, all one must do is simply miss the ground.

Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

For a moment, nothing happened.Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

Even the sceptical mind must be prepared to accept the unacceptable when there is no alternative. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.

It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.

I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it.

Many men of course became extremely rich, but this was perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of because no one was really poor, at least no one worth speaking of.

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The mere thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity.

We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

 

[webglider]

Douglas Adam's books are full of these

Thanks Grim for posting more of these. I enjoyed the others so much, that I was sad when I came to the end of the list.

I have another example which while it isn't an example of figurative language it does stay true to the loopy thinking ot the others.

I once gave an assignment that asked a group of 11th graders to propose methods that could be used to address the issue of juvenile deliquency and gangs.

One of my students wrote:

First I would execute them. If that didn't work, I'd try therapy.

 

[Azur]

Thanks for the trip back to these!

Reading this 20+ years ago, I even thought "There it is. The jig's up! It's in plain print. What are they gonna do now?"

The quote below, however, struck me deeper at the time than most. It seemed to hide the purpose of it all. And my feeling hasn't changed in all of the things that I have come to understand so far.

Douglas Adam's books are full of these :)

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

It is somewhat similar (as I drew a parallel way back when), to that wonderful fictional Star Trek character test: the Kobayashi Maru. (Specifically: how Kirk reprogrammed the machine so he could win).


Thanks for the memories!



Cheers.

 

[fabric]

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

....


18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

....

Lol....that one there is gotta be a classic!!

heh heh

 

[Azur]

For the interested but silent takers, here's another one that relates:

The Unpleasant Profession of Jonathan Hoag.

 

[Pierre]

This one :

It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

should be added to Ponerology 101.