alkhemst said:
For me it had much to do with being ashamed of what others were seeing in me. That was the real emotion and the subsequent emotions that I was stating (like feeling wrongly accused for instance) were more of a construction to deny the feeling of being ashamed and interestingly, I did feel these things too to some extent. So I started even deceiving myself with emotions that I manufactured and by manufactured, I mean I created these emotions with the ulterior purpose of covering the feeling of shame.
"It" is a wily bastard isn't it. :D "It" even convinces us sometimes that what it "produces," which in fact is just a manipulation of our essence, through it's architecture, because "it" cannot create anything, is really ourself. "It" does this as a tactic of obfuscation, so that it can then say, "nothin to see here folks, keep calm, go back to sleep, and carry on." (taken from webgliders thread,)
alkhemst said:
So here’s what’s interesting for me, after some time, I reread my initial posting that people were saying was motivated by a personal investment and it suddenly dawned on me that they were right. I sounded like a Mr Know-it-all, all puffed up and arrogant. It wasn’t the first time mind you (on this particular thread and others). For example, when Truth Seeker first said it, for a moment I could see what she/he was saying, then almost immediately I went into denial.
Ha, it's haughtiness is really something isn't it. Whenever it rears it proverbial head, and i am remembering myself, i just have to go into anyone of my memory banks when it was active, pull out the file of the consequences of it's operation, which quite readily and completely refute "it," ie whenever i was wrong. Then i laugh at it, saying to "it;" "what, you're still in there?" Happened to me today btw, it is a great reminder of always paying strict attention to the environment, both within and without, and using the changes therein to rise ever more out of subjectivity.
alkhemst said:
So at the point I saw this in a more concrete way, I started feeling ashamed of myself (again) and I almost went back into denial of that (again) because the shame didn’t feel good but then there was something in me that just said no to going down that path again. So that’s where my question of free will derived from because I could see there was clearly a realisation that started in me early on but the my own programs hooked in before I could exercise my own free will to a fuller extent.
No is the beginning, a crucial first step, the rebellion, but we must keep walking, and therein is the possibility of revolution osit, which is merely going and doing, what & where one has resolved to do & go, ie yes, which implies a decision, a CHOICE. Revolution is being open to learning, not knowing where the lesson may manifest itself, and acting accordingly, ie posting the question that is the topic of this thread, is your movement from no to yes, from rebellion to revolution, osit. Revolution entails non-anticipation, a kind of faith and trust that the Universe, the grand and impossible wonder that it is, gives to all, our challenge is to be ready, and we can't be ready if we are blinded by anticipations.
Amazing isn't it, when we just ask a question, with no presupposition, prejudice, assumption, preconceived notions, etc of what the answer is. The practicing of non-anticipation, whose effects are seemingly miraculous.
If you can remember that state that said, "no to going down that path again," and consciously struggle to always move yourself to that place, and/or strive to listen to it's voice, then your progress may increase osit. As always, it is a matter of paying strict attention of the environment, both within and without, and acting accordingly.
alkhemst said:
So I wanted to understand that process in terms of what circumvents the programming in me, for which I find much written here valuable - particularly how recognising my immediate feelings that react almost thoughtlessly, or mechanically to situations and/or events (which I was doing in the above situation described). Knowing this process or at least acknowledging this, I see now was utilised by me as a kind of theoretical tool that stopped me going into the same denial process again. So what Laura was saying about it starting with seeing our mechanical natures, even as a concept at first (i.e. without having prior personal experience), makes a lot of sense to me.
Yes, if there is anything that is true in us, it will recognize truth, no matter the depth of darkness that it is in. Then, we can choose, to remain in the depths of darkness, or to struggle to reach truth, and thus become free.
alkhemst said:
Personally, what I did because I still see much value in emotional processing, was to acknowledge the personal truth about myself being invested in the façade of “being smart”, then instead of reacting to the arising feeling of being ashamed of that observation (like I was doing before), I just allowed that feeling of being shame to occur without judging the feeling as good or bad etc. and I found myself getting into a deeper sadness, and truth be told I just started crying. After that I felt a sense of relief coupled with a feeling of being less ashamed. Anyway I felt it useful to describe that personal experience because this thread goes into the role of emotions. Be glad to hear your thoughts on that too. Thanks
Yes, truly all the facades that have been created in us through imitation, etc. Really do use up much of our energies to support falsehoods that are not even our own. Their destruction can indeed be saddening, for it is the realization that we have been soundly asleep, for a long "time." However, it is also the signal to ourselves, that there is a chance to awaken, but only if we keep destroying all the falsehoods without mercy, struggling all the while against the forces which support those falsehoods, both within and without, and their various lies, such as, that one can awaken without pain, without effort, without much struggle and suffering, on the part of the one who has chosen to awaken, it only hurts because we have bought the lies, both "it's" and "theirs," thus taking all the BS as true, thereby supporting the falsehoods with our energies, which of course are ourselves, we are our energies, osit. As such we paid for the lies with ourselves, that realization, is indeed painful to the core.
The pain that we feel from withdrawing our energies from the falsehoods, is merely a side effect of integrating ourselves, ie our energies, towards the configuration of being able to recognize truth, which of course means knowing and recognizing falsehood and it's nature, both within and without.
Never cease, in every moment to be aware that it is a battle, an epic war, to become conscious, that is to BE, that is my motto.
