Since my family received news about the passing of my brother last month, due to grief I believe my nephew's health (he is 23) has been heavily impacted. I would like to seek advice about his condition but wasn't sure whether to start a new thread in the diet and health section with a link to this thread, or include what is happening in this thread even though it has to do with diet and health. Also, how do you post a link to another thread? I appreciate any help and input.
Grief
- Thread starter mamadrama
- Start date
Cleo said:
Hi Cleo, I think it would be better to post about your nephew's health issues in the diet and health thread because others may have a similar condition that could benefit from reading the thread there. That is if it's not already been covered by another member so you may want to try searching for it first.
The easiest way to post another link that I've found is by copying the link in the address bar at the top of your browser and then pasting it in the new post for reference. I hope this helps and I'm very sorry for the loss of your brother and the grief you've been experiencing lately. I do understand how inadequate those words are in times like these but at the moment it's all I've got.
davey72
The Living Force
I have recently come to the realization that in the past rather than grieve i dissociate. For example when my father died i was under the strong belief that it really did not bother me. That he got what he deserved, etc, etc. I was thinking of this the other day, after a dream, and realized that it contradicted with the memories i have of this event. That of crying so hard that i could not even speak to him, or anyone else. Does anyone know of a way to start incorporating these opposing views?
obyvatel
The Living Force
davey72 said:
I think the first step is to become intellectually aware of the fact that we hold such contradictory views. Then we can bring such opposing views that we have identified into conscious awareness, and attend to these views at the same time. When we do this, it can result in agitation, dissatisfaction or some other disturbing emotion.
This is where the urge to dissociate or distract ourselves is quite strong. Instead of accepting and facing what is coming up, we would rather indulge in a host of behaviors many of which are addictive in nature to avoid facing the discomfort. Sometimes, such avoidance behaviors may be more subtle - like getting lost in thought loops which are not directly relevant to the issue at hand, or rationalizing things by a "this is nothing but ......." or blanket statements like "this happens to everyone ..." etc.
If we can catch ourselves doing things to avoid the main issue, we need to come back to it and face the "heat". For me paying attention to breathing and posture helps in staying with the "heat" or tension. The idea is to contain the tension as much and as long as possible depending on the energy or emotional charge generated from the two opposing views. This process of building of a "container" to contain the energy is described in Peter Levine's "In An Unspoken Voice", specifically discussed here .
Once the containment is achieved, we can use different ways to help the emergence of a resolution to the opposite views under consideration. We would like this to come immediately - like a "bingo" or "aha" moment and live happily ever after - but it usually does not work out that way. We can write down in a journal the thoughts and words that come up over a period of time - like suggested in the Pennebaker writing exercises described in the Redirect thread . Those who are talented in art can use their art as a medium of expression as well. In many cases, it may take substantial time and periodic revisiting of the problem to make headway. It may seem that we are stuck and moving in circles, but if we put in sincere efforts to resolve the issue without forcing the solution, we move more in a spiral, revisiting the problem and doing the circle but with more insight in every pass. Sometimes significant dreams or events in our life can advance us towards the resolution we are seeking. The solution thus emerges and we may not even be aware immediately that the conflict has been resolved - but one day we may suddenly realize that the problem does not bother us anymore.
That was a long answer and a more general one than pertaining to grief specifically - but this has been my experience so far in life along with what I have learnt from books and discussions. The question "how to incorporate opposing views" to me involves growth of being. The word "incorporate" means to "form a body" - corpus means body. The level of being is denoted by "togetherness of experience" which includes the resolution and integration of the tension of the opposites.
Hope this is useful - fwiw.
KristinLynne said:
KristinLynne, thank you for your help. I'll make a new thread here eventually about my nephew's health. I think I have become almost hyper alert to how well other family member's are doing health wise. My nephew is feeling better than he was when I originally made the post but I think it would be a good idea to find out more on what he may need to do to maintain his health.
davey72 said:
davey72-what you wrote above has me thinking about how much of my life I have either disassociated or distracted myself instead of allowing myself to grieve when hurt or stressed by someone or something. Going through life to an extent detached as a coping or defense mechanism. Also found what you wrote, obyvatel about disassociation helpful and useful.
The sadness that I feel at the loss of my brother leaves me with an aching feeling that can be overwhelming. With hindsight, I see the situation more clearly and with that comes the pain of realizing what once wasn't so clear. I have been going to counseling for about three weeks now and on my own, I am working out what I am comfortable with in regards to posting about the loss on the forum. There have been strange synchronicities/coincidences surrounding the losses and I am trying to discern what it could mean without too much paranoia getting in the way. Notice I have a habit of remaining in the background and not often reaching out and networking when it could really help. Am working on creating a post that explains further what I am going through.
obyvatel, writing in more detail about the loss in the Swamp would be more comfortable. I am glad I am now able to and that there is the option to do so.
I would like to mention here though that I think I've been dealing with some sort of denial, like detachment and numbness, feelings of surreality-so confronting the hard reality of the loss can feel strange and somewhat overwhelming. Anyway, also feeling inhibited in a way but working through it as I'd rather it not prevent me from reaching out and sharing what I'm going through. Notice perfectionist tendencies cropping up, even with writing this post.
Also something that I've thought and would also like to say here is that I appreciate the kind words and condolences that have been offered since my initial post.
I would like to mention here though that I think I've been dealing with some sort of denial, like detachment and numbness, feelings of surreality-so confronting the hard reality of the loss can feel strange and somewhat overwhelming. Anyway, also feeling inhibited in a way but working through it as I'd rather it not prevent me from reaching out and sharing what I'm going through. Notice perfectionist tendencies cropping up, even with writing this post.
Also something that I've thought and would also like to say here is that I appreciate the kind words and condolences that have been offered since my initial post.
davey72
The Living Force
Cleo said:
I'm curious as to what you think the perfectionism means for you Cleo? Is it a form of escape, or dissociation, or control? I am curious, cause while i was in treatment we did an exercise where one person would leave the room, and the others would list their pros, and cons. One of mine was being a perfectionist which really surprised me. I always thought a perfectionist was more like a clean freak, which i am not. Apparently it is more about control. I like to do things on my own so that they are done my way. This exercise was invaluable to me.
davey72, what I notice is I can be pretty critical of myself, almost like I expect a certain standard to be met. For example, when writing a post I can at times over think how to convey something, to the point of delaying or putting off posting altogether. Also can be pretty detail focused, noticing whether I make any grammatical or spelling errors. So, just reading over what I wrote, seems like there's a fear of making mistakes or coming up short which then leads to procrastination. Like you said, it does seem to be a lot about control. Interesting how the perfectionist tendencies can come out in one way for one person and in another, a different way-like you, I'm not a clean freak but I like to work with other people on projects, like in a work setting.
From the bit that I have read of and about the book, Fear of the Abyss by Aleta Edwards it seems like the book covers what are perfectionist traits well. Notice my ability to focus has been impacted so I'm going to give it more time before I delve into the book again.
From the bit that I have read of and about the book, Fear of the Abyss by Aleta Edwards it seems like the book covers what are perfectionist traits well. Notice my ability to focus has been impacted so I'm going to give it more time before I delve into the book again.