Having a problem with FOTCM member in my life

[Iron]

Hi Sunflower,

My impression is that everything is okay with "Kelly". S/he just doesn't want to communicate with you and you are constantly pushing communication with him/her. There is probably a reason why s/he acts that way and I don't think it is related to the Work, SOTT or FOTCM, and I also don't think s/he is a psychopath. I think the problem is with you.

You are also trying to help him/her... did s/he ask for your help? I know I would be annoyed if someone is trying to help me all the time and I didn't ask him/her for any help. :)

How do you know that s/he doesn't communicate in civilized, courteous way? If s/he doesn't communicate that way with you, that doesn't mean s/he doesn't communicate with others that way.

Grini do you have extra information so you can draw this conclusion? From what sunflower posted, this is not my impression at all.

Iron, this is just my impression, that doesn't mean I'm right. This is only one side of the story. It would help if "Kelly" could join and share his side of the story.

I understand what you meant, but we dont know in what emotional state sunflower is. Input like this can scare sunflower and prevent the beginning of more open comunication.
That does not mean you are wrong, of course. Right now we really dont know much.

 

[Mrs.Tigersoap]

Input like this can scare sunflower and prevent the beginning of more open comunication.
That does not mean you are wrong, of course. Right now we really dont know much.

Exactly.

Kelly thinks that they are always right; that any kind of questioning in regards to his/her decisions is considered 'negative', and therefore, communication is done-zip-zero.

I think the problem is with you.

Sunflower wonders if it's normal for Kelly to always think she is right, if everyone here behaves that way and she is met with: 'the problem is with you'.
Apart from reinforcing her to think that, indeed, that's the way SOTT people think (that others are the ones who are wrong), I'm not sure how that helps... :/

 

[grini]

Kelly thinks that they are always right; that any kind of questioning in regards to his/her decisions is considered 'negative', and therefore, communication is done-zip-zero.

I think the problem is with you.

Sunflower wonders if it's normal for Kelly to always think she is right, if everyone here behaves that way and she is met with: 'the problem is with you'.
Apart from reinforcing her to think that, indeed, that's the way SOTT people think (that others are the ones who are wrong), I'm not sure how that helps... :/

Well, she wrote what Kelly "thinks"... and we actually don't know what s/he thinks. We should wait for him/her to come and see what s/he really thinks.

I wrote that I THINK, I didn't wrote that I'm sure that the problem is with her.

 

[Mrs.Tigersoap]

I wrote that I THINK, I didn't wrote that I'm sure that the problem is with her.

I understand, Grini. Someone who is sensitive could be shocked all the same. ;)

We should wait for him/her to come and see what he/her really thinks.

Indeed, it is best to wait. Let's hope either Sunflower explains more or that 'Kelly' speaks up...

 

[grini]

I wrote that I THINK, I didn't wrote that I'm sure that the problem is with her.

I understand, Grini. Someone who is sensitive could be shocked all the same. ;)

Yeah, maybe I was too direct. :/
We will see what will happen...

 

[Laura]

Yes. This strikes me as someone who is peeved about somebody else here, and quite possibly for very good reasons. But there isn't enough information to go on, possibly also for very good reasons. I think it is important to respond and see where it goes, but that may not be possible using the public forum.

Quite possibly for good reasons.

However, the method chosen to deal with the issue is quite problematical.

1) make a public post with accusations that INCLUDED the world "psychopath" in the original subject field (which I edited).

2) the problem seems to be that Sunflower feels neglected in some way or talked down to (lack of courtesy?). That's not a problem that one solves by making a public accusation.

3) part 2 of the problem appears to be material. Somehow, Sunflower feels that something is owed to him/her. Again, that is not a problem that one solves by making public accusations.

So, we may assume that Sunflower has attempted to work this out with "Kelly" privately, without result and feels driven to a public forum in the hopes that using an intimidating word in the subject field and the threat of public humiliation will get what Sunflower wants. In short, it strikes me as a sort of coercion.

Now, whether or not Kelly is guilty as charged, I can't say because we don't have enough data, but I can say that if this is how Sunflower solves problems, then I can imagine why there ARE problems.

 

[Sunflower]

OK. I have read all of the posts. Thanks for responding. I really appreciate it. I shouldn’t have used this public forum to display my frustrations with this person. For that, I apologize. And it’s definitely not ‘coercion’ or being ‘neglected’. And I used ‘psychopath’ in my subject heading because of lack of apparent empathy displayed in the past few years. I’m not prepared to go further into detail, here. I will take that up with the subject when time permits.

This person is one whom I must interact with at times. Usually it’s when they want something. I really don’t think they are abusing SOTT. In fact they have helped greatly in many aspects of my life and I can’t appreciate that enough. However, I do think that they think that they are ‘so much more aware’, that they don’t bother to think about how their actions may affect others, outside of the Forum. Pompousness and audacity come to mind when dealing with this person at times. And yes, some things are material. I have to think about necessary material things, given what I do. Expecting nothing from giving a lot at this point is what this has become.

I guess my main question is: “Do all SOTT FOTCM people act this way?” I’m sure the answer is a resounding NO, gathering from the responses. I guess I’m just sick and tired of being taken for granted without any common courtesy or consideration. Can I help that? Probably. I really shouldn’t let it bother me; I should be in control of my emotions. Things should only bother you if you let it. Happening time after time, it certainly gets to you. But that is something I’m really working on right now. The ‘Splitting’ thread has helped a great deal. I’m definitely not perfect and neither should any other human think they are. But, does that excuse the person who keeps taking advantage? At what point do you say NO?

I don’t really think ‘I ask if I can help’ with this person. I don’t usually help people unless they ask for it. But, they do know that I’ll help, when asked. I also hate it when someone keeps asking if they can help me.

Carlisle, Thank You for this:

“Well being in the Work has two facets. Sometimes we have to distance ourselves from people who we feel are hindering our development, and that can mean becoming cold to a person when necessary. But if someone is really engaged in what we do here, then they'd know to be considerate of others either inside our outside of the work. We're all still human and imperfect ourselves, and it's not our thing to judge other people's choices and lessons.”

I think it’s well to the point.

Grini:

Sorry. Not too much help there with your response. Although, it may be highly possible that the ‘negativity’ this person feels after dealing with me, and others, is because they weren’t ‘right’ in a certain situation and they could not handle that. It’s always someone else’s fault. Maybe it’s a years long ‘program’ that they haven’t dealt with yet, always being ‘the boss’ or whatnot. Who knows.

I know all too well one’s mind can justify any action. The only way one can not fall into that trap is perpetual awareness of self and truth. The truth being the mirror of oneself. This will end here on my part and thanks to all who’ve posted. It’s opened up a lot for me. Thank You very Much.

 

[Archaea]

I guess my main question is: “Do all SOTT FOTCM people act this way?” I’m sure the answer is a resounding NO, gathering from the responses. I guess I’m just sick and tired of being taken for granted without any common courtesy or consideration. Can I help that? Probably. I really shouldn’t let it bother me; I should be in control of my emotions. Things should only bother you if you let it. Happening time after time, it certainly gets to you. But that is something I’m really working on right now. The ‘Splitting’ thread has helped a great deal. I’m definitely not perfect and neither should any other human think they are. But, does that excuse the person who keeps taking advantage? At what point do you say NO?

I think the best option for you is to distance yourself from this person. If you can't do that and you feel they're taking advantage of you, just give them their due, now is the time to say NO. But beware your own self-importance, I think it's a good idea not to burn any bridges, I think you should just take some time to think and sort things out for yourself so that you're better prepared for any future encounters with this person or anyone else.

 

[obyvatel]

Hi Sunflower,
I have found the book "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When The Stakes Are High" very useful. It provides research based education and tools for handling difficult conversations which we either tend to avoid or get overly confrontational about. It shows that it is often possible to get a positive outcome from difficult situations by focusing on and working towards realizing a mutually acceptable purpose while maintaining a sense of mutual respect. There is a mention of this book here in the forum. It may be worth checking out.

 

[Cosmos]

This person is one whom I must interact with at times. Usually it’s when they want something. I really don’t think they are abusing SOTT. In fact they have helped greatly in many aspects of my life and I can’t appreciate that enough. However, I do think that they think that they are ‘so much more aware’, that they don’t bother to think about how their actions may affect others, outside of the Forum. Pompousness and audacity come to mind when dealing with this person at times. And yes, some things are material. I have to think about necessary material things, given what I do. Expecting nothing from giving a lot at this point is what this has become.

I guess my main question is: “Do all SOTT FOTCM people act this way?” I’m sure the answer is a resounding NO, gathering from the responses. I guess I’m just sick and tired of being taken for granted without any common courtesy or consideration. Can I help that? Probably. I really shouldn’t let it bother me; I should be in control of my emotions. Things should only bother you if you let it. Happening time after time, it certainly gets to you. But that is something I’m really working on right now. The ‘Splitting’ thread has helped a great deal. I’m definitely not perfect and neither should any other human think they are. But, does that excuse the person who keeps taking advantage? At what point do you say NO?

Are you talking about one person or several, since you use the word "they"? Or is it a language issue?

As others have said, if you ask “Do all SOTT FOTCM people act this way?” you can't really expect that anyone here can give you a fair and throughout assessment/answer to that question as long as you don't give a specific example of how this person has or is behaving. That doesn't mean that you need to say names, just an specific example of what you feel or gives you that said impression of this person would help ;)

As of now you only have shared your feelings and impressions of said person with no further hard data that could anable us to truly evaluate/contemplate your questions and give you a fair answer.

 

[Mrs.Tigersoap]

Are you talking about one person or several, since you use the word "they"? Or is it a language issue?

'They' in English can be used for the singular:

The "singular" they is the use of this pronoun as a gender-neutral singular rather than as a plural pronoun. The correctness of this usage is disputed.[1][2] The Oxford Dictionaries have an article on the usage, saying that it dates back to the 16th century.[3]

The singular pronoun they is even found in formal or official texts. For example, a 2008 amendment to the Canadian Criminal Code contains the following text:

if a peace officer has reasonable grounds to believe that, because of their physical condition, a person may be incapable of providing a breath sample... (subparagraph 254(3)(a)(ii))