help with advice

[lainey]

Hello, I was hoping someone would be able to help me with some advice/reading material for my flatmate. She was having a bit of a down day today as a couple of events have given her a bit of a confidence knock. We have discussed it and what it boils down to is that she has severe self confidence issues regarding the way she looks. She is an awesome person and a brilliant friend however she isn't conventionally what you would regard as "pretty". I think she is a beautiful person but she is stuck on the idea that she wants to be liked for being "cute" or "pretty" at least once in her life. She told me about a childhood experience where a stranger in the street walked past her and commented "God you are ugly". This remark has stayed with her her whole life. She also has an older, successful, gorgeous sister who spent most of her youth viciously tormenting my flatmate. She knows she has a lot of emotional issues to deal with and she asked me if there were any good books she could read that might be able to help her work through these things. She has told me that she isn't ready for therapy and the idea of a multidimensional universe is a bit far out for her to accept as she is very set in her beliefs of a material universe. Does anyone know where I can start?

 

[Palinurus]

Hi layney,

I'm not an expert by any means, but I had five sisters to contend with during my upbringing (I'm a male, by the way, and the eldest on top of that) so I'm generally familiar with this feeling and the impact it can have. Usually, it's rather fleeting and rises and subsides in a wave like pattern. I'm surprised to hear it really took hold of your friend for so long but stranger things have happened.

The simplest way to start, seems to be googling for ugly duckling syndrome, see what comes up and choose anything that looks appropriate even when only remotely applicable. Then repeat the same query on google scholar (scholar.google.com) for the scientific approach. I've just done both so I'm sure there's plenty to choose from.

You might invite your friend to do the same and compare what you both have come up with afterwards.

Once she got a promising title or two, get hold of the article or book and start reading. After a while she will be inundated with suggestions for further reading and additional materials. That will start the inevitable snowballing/avalanche effect and before you realize it, you really can discern which info will do the trick of being poignantly helpful to sort this thing out in this specific case.

This method contains what I'm doing when I have to tackle a problem or a field of knowledge I'm completely unfamiliar with, and it has always got me to a point where I knew what to read or who to talk to next, in order to delve deeper and more to the point.

I'm sure others will chime in with additional suggestions.

Hope this helps a bit. :)

 

[s-kur]

Tell to her that she will stop being "ugly" when will consider herself.
I think that ugly\fine is only subjective perception if talk about appearance. But, however, we're all have our preferences in appearance...i don't know how it works.

But, it seems, this could help...

Reading "Narcissistic family" book or whole "Big five". You could find list of them here

2) Doing EE exercises for soft releasing of negative emotions and emotional injuries and relaxation

3She change her opinion about herself. She can doing some work for helping others which will be very useful for peoples, they would very glad and thankful.here

4)The crowd of people will declare to she that she is beauty (the most doubtful version)
OSIT...

Good luck, lainey :)

 

[Meg]

Hi lainey,

I'd suggest Trapped In The Mirror and The Narcissistic Family. Her self talk is a hallmark of the negative introject.

Any chance she'd consider Spirit Release therapy?

 

[lainey]

Thank you very much for your replies. I actually have both the books you mentioned menrva so I shall lend them to her and also copy her in on the recommended reading list. There is no way she would even entertain the idea of spirits let alone spirit release, so I think the psychology books are a good start.
many many thanks again!

 

[edgitarra]

I guess that you would have to ask her if there are any persons who told the opposite - who found her beautiful. Sometimes it happens that one considers oneself ugly because it might be called like that by the persons which one likes. How many guys that she does not find likeable/attractive told her she is beautiftul because they like her? Out of this 7 billion peeps in this world there has to be someone who finds her beautiful. And you lainey, just told her that she is beautiful. I will also go with the others by recommending the books on narcissism.

 

[MusicMan]

I guess we are all a little STS, because to have self esteem you must be a little narcissistic.
The trick is to learn a lesson from those who are bullies, and come to the realisation that those who call you names can't hurt you any more than you allow them to hurt you (free will), and move forward in your life. A good hug wouldn't hurt. Perhaps she could read Laura's works on this site.

 

[theos]

I think the books Menrva recommended as well as EE will benefit your friend greatly. Trying to convince someone of the opposite belief that was programmed into them since childhood is futile. Learning her machine, how her mind works and about the negative introject, as well as characteropathies (giving her knowledge and defense against the many jerks in the world) would help her become more comfortable with herself both inside and out.

 

[lainey]

I guess we are all a little STS, because to have self esteem you must be a little narcissistic.
The trick is to learn a lesson from those who are bullies, and come to the realisation that those who call you names can't hurt you any more than you allow them to hurt you (free will), and move forward in your life. A good hug wouldn't hurt. Perhaps she could read Laura's works on this site.

I agree, to focus on our image or beauty is STS, to think that it's the only thing that matters. Like the old saying goes it's what's on the inside that counts. It's easy for me to say that though because I've gotten over trying to look a certain way and am focusing on what's inside. It would be nice to be able to help someone feel, even in a small way, what that liberation feels like.

I think the books Menrva recommended as well as EE will benefit your friend greatly. Trying to convince someone of the opposite belief that was programmed into them since childhood is futile. Learning her machine, how her mind works and about the negative introject, as well as characteropathies (giving her knowledge and defense against the many jerks in the world) would help her become more comfortable with herself both inside and out.

Good point, it goes in one ear and is twisted to mean something negative no matter how positive the comment or advice may be. I have to be very careful what I say to her sometimes as she just isn't ready to hear certain things.

Brilliant advice, thanks guys