How to tell the difference between a narcissist and one with high self-esteem

[Laura]

Since we frequently encounter people on this forum who really can't handle criticism, I thought this little item was interesting. And, particularly from the Gurdjieffian point of view where he talks about people who "turn against the work." I guess the bottom line is that when you disagree with a person and criticize their position, and they "turn against" you, it's probably a pretty good indicator that they are a real narcissist (and maybe more).

_http://www.spring.org.uk/2017/06/the-one-simple-thing-that-identifies-a-narcissist.php

Criticism makes narcissists aggressive, research finds.

But people with high self-esteem are not particularly bothered by criticism.

This is because, at heart, narcissists often have a strange relationship with their self-esteem, so they hate to be criticised.

Any criticism will usually make them aggressive in response.

Psychologists measured the self-esteem, narcissism and aggressive behaviour of 540 undergraduate students.

They found that the more narcissistic students tended to verbally lash out more when they were criticised.

The study’s authors write:

“Narcissists mainly want to punish or defeat someone who has threatened their highly favorable views of themselves.

People who are preoccupied with validating a grandiose self-image apparently find criticism highly upsetting and lash out against the source of it.”

People who had high self-esteem did not become more aggressive towards those who criticised them.

Narcissists, meanwhile, find the threat to their ego too great.

The seeds of narcissism can be sown at a young age, said Professor Brad J. Bushman, the study’s first author:

“…if kids begin to develop unrealistically optimistic opinions of themselves and those beliefs are constantly rejected by others, their feelings of self-love could make these kids potentially dangerous to those around them.”

If provoking the narcissist sounds dangerous, then another method of identifying the narcissist is simply to ask them.

Professor Bushman, speaking about a previous study, explained:

“People who are willing to admit they are more narcissistic than others probably actually are more narcissistic.

People who are narcissists are almost proud of the fact.

You can ask them directly because they don’t see narcissism as a negative quality — they believe they are superior to other people and are fine with saying that publicly.”

 

[luc]

I'm currently reading M. Scott Peck's "People of the Lie", which is a fascinating read.

He says aggressiveness is characteristic for the narcissist - he needs to destroy others to keep his grandiose self-image alive. Peck defines evilness (of which narcissism is a hallmark, according to him) as "the imposition of one's will upon others by overt or covert means to avoid spiritual growth".

In other words, the narcissist reacts to the onslaught of objective reality, of the universe telling him he's completely wrong and must change, by desperately trying to 'form' reality via dominance/aggression so that it suits him. He wishes total standstill, complete avoidance of growth - thus becoming more and more like a rock, like primal matter. He can keep up this illusion by forcing others to accept his games and dominance.

Seen in this light, it is no wonder that the narcissist gets aggressive once criticized, as opposed to someone with a high self-esteem who is aligned with reality and growth and thus doesn't fear it.

Fwiw

 

[Glenn]

I think this guy describes the narcissist really well, in pretty simple terms that most can understand. While listening to it, I could see how it is not only pervasive in individuals, but it is a component of pretty well everything in our society, including the media, and most of our leaders. It is a basic component of control, IMO.

 

[padawan]

I think this guy describes the narcissist really well, in pretty simple terms that most can understand. While listening to it, I could see how it is not only pervasive in individuals, but it is a component of pretty well everything in our society, including the media, and most of our leaders. It is a basic component of control, IMO.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this video. First I've seen this and of all the resources I've seen about narcissism, this explains it the best and sadly, describes my husband to a T. Especially when I got to the 8th question, I was like, OMG, that's exactly what I've been thru the past 30 years of marriage and I really want out. I guess I'm a slow learner, but it really wasn't until I let go of my faith in the Christian church and gospel of salvation through Jesus a year and half ago that I began to feel like I didn't have to be shackled anymore. I just know that when I do tell him that I am not a believer anymore that he will go nuts and maybe that will be the impetus for divorce. The biggest reason I have waited was that our son recently got married and I just did not want any messiness before his big day. The wedding was a wonderful time (not without the added stress of my husband being what he is, but I accepted that). We still have one more local reception before I break the news. My two adult kids already know and they are supportive.

 

[Ivan`88]

Psychiatrists say that there is very small percentage of people who are born with narcissism.In most cases it is built through life from the very beginning.In those beginnings is something called „the sparkle in moms eyes“.It is when mom holdin her baby and she admires her.Its a time when baby is king and queen in house.That admirations is normal treatment.When there is little or no treatment baby recognize this and trying slowly offer something to mom so that mom looks back at it and gets it again that „sparkle in her eyes“.That is where begin „fake self“.Fake self is one of the biggest characteristics of narcissism.

Self esteem has nothing to do with narcissism.Self esteem means when one has a sense of worth.It is a two different things.Person with self esteem may sit quietly,calmly in a room and exactly know where he is,what he is,how he feels,what he can and what he cant.But narcissist can rule the room,rule the space,rule the scene but from within he feels very insecure,worthless,dirty,small,humiliated.

Also child who was abused through childhood or neglected to that point that he believes there is nobody else except him,one of the main characteristics of narcissism as well.

Other characteristics are grandiosity,a sense of omnipotence,a feeling of great power,a feeling that they are more important then the others,more special.And ofcourse narcissist wants to control everything and everyone.The biggest problem with narcissist is that they dont recognize narcissism in them.They think that their behavior is normal wich is completely different with people with self esteem. People with self esteem have no problem accept that they are wrong or that they do somethong wrong.In fact that recognition of wrong,if it is honest,gives you more self esteem.

If someone wants to punch you literaly or metaphorically with words for an example,you must defend yourself.Love your neighbor as yourself.Loving God means loving yourself etc.all that is narcissism.Obviously we need to have narcissism to survive and to be healty but we must know where are limits.

Social networks play a big part in our lives.If we dont use it correctly they become weapons and „likes“are bullets.We must know that every „like“is a drop of dopamine in our brain which give us great feeling.But that is only a chemical thing.More „likes“we have,bigger we are,which develops narcissism.Every „like“is „sparkle in moms eyes“.Soon or later every person who chase for these „likes“ will come to a point without „likes“.And then whats left;vanity,hate,depression…

So,one must be aware of this processes in order not to be caught in trap.

 

[axj]

Loving God means loving yourself etc.all that is narcissism.Obviously we need to have narcissism to survive and to be healty but we must know where are limits.

Love has nothing to do with narcissism, in my view. Narcissists are incapable of truly loving themselves (or anyone else) and the narcissistic patterns are their way of coping with that.

And it is also true that you can only love others if you love yourself. Or the more you connect to the love within yourself, the more you can express that love towards others. What passes for "love" in our 3D STS society often has very little to do with it.