Hugs and handshakes

[Al Today]

I think people also give "vibes". Sometimes I try to discern what my "gut" tells me. Sometimes I meet someone and immediately have bad chemistry with them. Then other time my heart goes out to them. Go figure. All this experience is for learning...

 

[Zadius Sky]

Formally and casually, I handshake with people in general (gentle with women, firm with men). As for hugging, I tend to hug people whom I know personally (usually forum members and my family), never with strangers.

As for eye contacts, I never look in the eyes. I look at their lips in order to hear them (since I am hearing-impaired: using only one ear with a hearing aid, deaf on the other). Since so much noise coming into my right and only ear, I have to look at someone, read their lips, in order to understand them or otherwise their talking would become noise.

Over the years, many people that I've first met tends to get uncomfortable with my looking at their lips. A few of them told me later that they thought that I was thinking about kissing them!

 

[mabar]

As for eye contacts, I never look in the eyes. I look at their lips in order to hear them (since I am hearing-impaired: using only one ear with a hearing aid, deaf on the other). Since so much noise coming into my right and only ear, I have to look at someone, read their lips, in order to understand them or otherwise their talking would become noise.
Over the years, many people that I've first met tends to get uncomfortable with my looking at their lips. A few of them told me later that they thought that I was thinking about kissing them!

I do the same although … one psychologist told me from NLP POV that I see the mouth because it is the source the information comes from, I use first the ears to process the information, then the eyes in a general form and at last the feelings… a very last, lately it is somehow changing, due to EE I think. I had my ears checked and are ok.

The moment I acknowledge it, I focus again in the whole face and then I ended in the mouth again, so far no one had noticed or they had not said anything. Although I start remember people until I hear their voices not by their faces.

Anyways, I rather say "hello" and "goodbye" to everyone from afar, but I was programed by my parents to greet family members and friends with kisses and hugs; I prefer not to do it (kises and hugs), and when I do they are basically on special ocasions.

Both my parents have been needing them more lately, although I make some efforts to “feel” in order to give them back so in that way they might feel better, I think I still do because of the narcissistic wounded Issues I do/may have.

I do OK shaking hands and I prefer than a kiss on the cheek, although when the other part is to loose, It give me the creeps, as if I am shaking hands with dead people.

 

[Bar Kochba]

I do OK shaking hands and I prefer than a kiss on the cheek, although when the other part is to loose, It give me the creeps, as if I am shaking hands with dead people.

This brought a smile to my face, because I know exactly what you mean. Shaking hands with dead people. Loose, cold, and clammy.

 

[melatonin]

Ive never understood why focused eye contact = trust.

Because an averted gaze while speaking is typically a clear tell that an individual is lying.

Totally disagree.
Incredibly simplistic way to look at it. You may aswell say that "someone who smiles is a friendly person".

1 example.
Myself - I get triggered by eye contact with people, because of trauma i suffered.

If it is the window to the soul, and someone can hold a gaze very well, it could also actually mean they are souless organic portals, as id imagine souls with multiple incarantions in human form would have suffered trauma and some dis-trust for fellow humans/non-humans.
Its generalizations like this that allow physcopaths to blend in so well.

Edited :- To add 1 sentence.

 

[Oxajil]

If it is the window to the soul, and someone can hold a gaze very well, it could also actually mean they are souless organic portals, as id imagine souls with multiple incarantions in human form would have suffered trauma and some dis-trust for fellow humans/non-humans.

I think it's a lot more complex than that. Some narcissistic wounded people can also hold a gaze very well, because it might give them a sense of dominating the other person. And I think it depends on the person as well. I for example can hold a gaze well with some people, and with some others I wouldn't look them in the eye, out of fear I suppose. If you're talking about someone who gazes well (and almost intimidating) with every person, I would find it rather psychopathic than OP-ish since psychopaths can't really feel shyness (because of the lacking parts in the brain) etc. Though they could fake it....

 

[Mrs.Tigersoap]

We don't hug that much in my country (Belgium). It's something reserved for 'intimate' relationships (husband and wife, parents and children, very good friends) and in special situations (congratulations, weddings, funerals, etc.).

What we do a lot is kissing: four kisses to greet people or say goodbye ! We alternate cheeks, of course! I have a big family and at the latest gathering, I asked Tigersoap to warn me half an hour in advance when he wanted to leave, because that is about the time it takes to kiss everyone four times on the cheeks!

We also kiss colleagues in the morning to greet them (only one kiss, though).

 

[melatonin]

If it is the window to the soul, and someone can hold a gaze very well, it could also actually mean they are souless organic portals, as id imagine souls with multiple incarantions in human form would have suffered trauma and some dis-trust for fellow humans/non-humans.

I think it's a lot more complex than that. Some narcissistic wounded people can also hold a gaze very well, because it might give them a sense of dominating the other person. And I think it depends on the person as well. I for example can hold a gaze well with some people, and with some others I wouldn't look them in the eye, out of fear I suppose. If you're talking about someone who gazes well (and almost intimidating) with every person, I would find it rather psychopathic than OP-ish since psychopaths can't really feel shyness (because of the lacking parts in the brain) etc. Though they could fake it....

Yeah, i was just giving 1 example of many. Yours is a good one. Basically if someone is a 'starer' i tend to treat them with mis-trust.
My dads a 'starer' but thats because he server for 25 years in the air force and is brainwashed. (I think thats the reason) Theres another reason someone might like extended eye contact. I served in the military also (for short time) and they forced you to keep eye contact as part of the training. I havent got a clue how i coped with that.

 

[Rosemary]

If it is the window to the soul, and someone can hold a gaze very well, it could also actually mean they are souless organic portals, as id imagine souls with multiple incarantions in human form would have suffered trauma and some dis-trust for fellow humans/non-humans.

I think it's a lot more complex than that. Some narcissistic wounded people can also hold a gaze very well, because it might give them a sense of dominating the other person. And I think it depends on the person as well. I for example can hold a gaze well with some people, and with some others I wouldn't look them in the eye, out of fear I suppose. If you're talking about someone who gazes well (and almost intimidating) with every person, I would find it rather psychopathic than OP-ish since psychopaths can't really feel shyness (because of the lacking parts in the brain) etc. Though they could fake it....

Yeah, i was just giving 1 example of many. Yours is a good one. Basically if someone is a 'starer' i tend to treat them with mis-trust.
My dads a 'starer' but thats because he server for 25 years in the air force and is brainwashed. (I think thats the reason) Theres another reason someone might like extended eye contact. I served in the military also (for short time) and they forced you to keep eye contact as part of the training. I havent got a clue how i coped with that.

Interesting that the military teaches people to maintain eye contact. I think a lot of the time it is a means of gaining the upper hand on another person, if the other person is the first to look away, you have won the battle. We see the same thing all the time in the animal kingdom, and when I want my neighbour's cat to get out of my vegetable patch, I just stare at him - it makes him very uncomfortable and he backs off (I can't decide if this is more or less mean that shooting him with a water pistol :/)
Sometimes, animals are establishing boundaries through eye contact. My cat stares out our new kitten as a warning not to get too close. If she ignores this, she'll get a growl, if she continues to ignore it, she'll get clobbered. This way, the kitten is learning (slowly) how close she can get to the other cat before she's in trouble. As they get to know each other, this field of personal space is getting smaller as well. Now the kitten can touch noses with her, and as long as she backs off straight away, she won't get in trouble. It's fascinating to see, and I am sure that a lot of the time, humans are doing exactly the same thing.

 

[melatonin]

If it is the window to the soul, and someone can hold a gaze very well, it could also actually mean they are souless organic portals, as id imagine souls with multiple incarantions in human form would have suffered trauma and some dis-trust for fellow humans/non-humans.

I think it's a lot more complex than that. Some narcissistic wounded people can also hold a gaze very well, because it might give them a sense of dominating the other person. And I think it depends on the person as well. I for example can hold a gaze well with some people, and with some others I wouldn't look them in the eye, out of fear I suppose. If you're talking about someone who gazes well (and almost intimidating) with every person, I would find it rather psychopathic than OP-ish since psychopaths can't really feel shyness (because of the lacking parts in the brain) etc. Though they could fake it....

Yeah, i was just giving 1 example of many. Yours is a good one. Basically if someone is a 'starer' i tend to treat them with mis-trust.
My dads a 'starer' but thats because he server for 25 years in the air force and is brainwashed. (I think thats the reason) Theres another reason someone might like extended eye contact. I served in the military also (for short time) and they forced you to keep eye contact as part of the training. I havent got a clue how i coped with that.

Interesting that the military teaches people to maintain eye contact. I think a lot of the time it is a means of gaining the upper hand on another person, if the other person is the first to look away, you have won the battle. We see the same thing all the time in the animal kingdom, and when I want my neighbour's cat to get out of my vegetable patch, I just stare at him - it makes him very uncomfortable and he backs off (I can't decide if this is more or less mean that shooting him with a water pistol :/)
Sometimes, animals are establishing boundaries through eye contact. My cat stares out our new kitten as a warning not to get too close. If she ignores this, she'll get a growl, if she continues to ignore it, she'll get clobbered. This way, the kitten is learning (slowly) how close she can get to the other cat before she's in trouble. As they get to know each other, this field of personal space is getting smaller as well. Now the kitten can touch noses with her, and as long as she backs off straight away, she won't get in trouble. It's fascinating to see, and I am sure that a lot of the time, humans are doing exactly the same thing.

Yeah, i learn alot about humans from watching animals aswell. They keep it simple, so its easier to see. And they dont come up with verbal rubbish as an avoidance tactic. :)
I remember at school (im 35 now) we had 'staring out contests'. The people that won them were always the more aggressive guys from my year at school. Id often just start laughing after a while.

 

[mcb]

Yeah, i learn alot about humans from watching animals aswell. They keep it simple, so its easier to see. And they dont come up with verbal rubbish as an avoidance tactic. :)

You don't know my cat Cassie (Cassiopeia) :D
Lots of verbal rubbish from that one. And NO hugs.

 

[Approaching Infinity]

Ive never understood why focused eye contact = trust.

Because an averted gaze while speaking is typically a clear tell that an individual is lying.

Totally disagree.
Incredibly simplistic way to look at it. You may aswell say that "someone who smiles is a friendly person".

I don't think you read that right, melatonin. (Maybe given your past trauma and related discomfort with eye contact, it triggered your emotions?) Heimdallr said that averted gaze is typically a sign that someone is lying (at least, it is commonly perceived that way). You could just as well say that smiling is typically taken as coming from a friendly person. Being mammals, our emotions can seem "incredibly simplistic". That's why psychopaths are so successful by pretending to be friendly people (by smiling) and pretending to be trustworthy (by maintaining eye contact). When we encounter people (and if we haven't been previously traumatized), the default behavior is to communicate and signal: prosocial behaviors. That includes eye gaze, facial expression, friendly tone of voice, etc. We're programmed to see it that way, and it's what psychopaths exploit. But the fact that trauma can throw this system into disharmony (meaning that we react with lower systems on the evolutionary ladder, i.e. fight/flight, or freezing) doesn't change that we're programmed to respond positively to signs of social engagement.

 

[Approaching Infinity]

Figured I might as well include some quotes from Porges' Polyvagal Theory on the subject:

The neural regulation of the muscles of the face and head influences how someone perceives the engagement behaviors of others. More specifically, this neural regulation can reduce social distance by allowing humans (including infants) to:
-make eye contact
-vocalize with an appealing inflection and rhythm
-display contingent facial expressions, and
-modulate the middle-ear muscles to distinguish the human voice from background sounds more efficiently.

In children, right hemisphere [which is related to autonomic and emotional regulation] dysfunction has been associated with attentional, social, and emotional problems. ... Most of these children made little eye contact with others, and virtually all had poor relationship with peers.

In fact, a neural pathway involved in the regulation of the eyelids also tenses the stapedius muscle in the middle ear, which facilitates hearing human voice. Thus, the neural mechanisms for making eye contact are shared with those needed to listen to human voice. As a cluster, the difficulties in gaze, extraction of human voice, facial expression, head gesture, and prosody are common features of individuals with autism.

 

[Aya]

Personally and culturally, I never hugged any body until very recently, doesn't even remember my parents hugging me. Once started interacting with some people in US, after couple of years of interaction, now I don't feel uneasy to hug. But during the WORK , I started feeling the child craving for hugs (validation). I tried to made sure not to make the same mistake to my children.

Same here. Having grown up in the culture where hugs and handshakes are uncommon (instead we bow) , I never received proper hugs or handshakes from anyone in my country. I felt very uncomfortable at first to hug and to shake hands of some strangers. It was even more uncomfortable to look straight into someone's eyes for long time. I was also very shy so it took a year for me to get use to "western greetings".

In my culture, we tend to look more laid back when we first meet someone, however, people in western culture look more confident and sometimes look proud. This was hard part to get used to as well.
After reading this thread, I was quite surprised that depends on situations people in North America and Europe feel uncomfortable with skinships as well.

So it doesn't matter with culture. Now I am comfortable with western greetings and feel closer with hugs, kiss, and shaking hands with someone.

 

[cassandra]

In Germany people shake hands every time they meet.
We used to have a rather, no actually, extremely smelly maths tutor for our daughter, who always wanted to shake hands. After noticing the state of his fingernails, I said smilingly, in England we only shake hands the one time. My family were embarrassed, but he was yucky and we had to leave the window open for about half an hour after he had left.