Hey
With new knowledge I have,and especially after last session from c's I'm almost positive that the experience I had as a child,and again few years ago was somehow sensing the hyperkinetic sensate,or even wave.Either it was some sort of precognition of the possible future or accidental tumbling into domain of the wave (that happened around 1995, and if I'm not mistaken wave was already coming then) This are just my assumptions,don't get me wrong I'm not trying to claim anything,just giving my interpretation of that event and trying to share it as clear as possible in hope you can understand it,maybe even relate to it.
Here is post from another topic where I wrote about it some 6 months ago.
Let me try again to give you short description of what happened.I remembered some new details and will try be more clear.
While I was sleeping it was like something pulled me of my normal dreams.Like a whirlwind that carried me away in unknown and terrifying dimension of chaos that was unlike anything I ever imagined before.I remember feeling of moving very fast,I mean something moving me very fast through unknown 'space'. I had completely no control, that alone was enough to scare the hell out of anyone.I remember fear that was so intense and not usual kind of fear but something completely new,can be described as existential fear, cause what stuck in my mind most was that I was afraid of losing myself to that typhoon,I had the feeling that I'll be squashed of the existence any moment,lost in middle of that speed, unrecognizable dimension and did I mention meteors?They were all around me as I was carried through that 'place' and whenever I passed near one of them fear skyrocketed even higher,each time I thought I'm gone but I wasn't,and I kept being blown through a lot of meteors,without knowing where will I land.And last thing I remember was some, let's say voices,names of people I knew and maybe even some I didn't knew then but met later(but that's pretty much guessing now) and some material objects like plates and spoons etc,really bizarre.Then I woke up totally shaken,without being able to explain to my mother what just happened.I even had inexplicable feeling that it happened many times before.Or maybe it is happening all time,but on some deeper level, who knows.
Why I think it was hyperkinetic sensate? Let's see..
enormous speed,one might call it hyperkinetic - check
most intense,and by words indescribable sensations,particularly bad ones like fear - check
meteors - check
and even strong feeling of being washed from the existence(while in strange dimension that I haven't been able to perceive properly) and/or carried who know where
I might be wishfully thinking or be completely out of base but still I though it's worth to mention.Can't hurt anyone,right. Any thoughts or critics?
Thank you for reading :)
I feel a need to share this. Maybe it could be useful for networking purposes. I believe I solved the mystery of the weirdest experience in my life (and I had many to compare with), which happened when I was 5 or 6 years old, and after which I had the ability to induce goosebumps at will, and which might also explain why even as early as a 7 year old I had an inner knowing that I'm living in an extremely important 'times' and the feeling of having some kind of an 'important mission' to accomplish in this life.
So to recap the experience. One night before sleep at age of 5 or 6 I was contemplating the concept of infinity, how is it possible that the universe is infinite and then I had these questions come up "how is it even possible that existence itself is possible?" "how can existence come to be on it's own?" "shouldn't the non-existence be all there is?" "but what is even non existence?" "if non-existence is, and I can imagine it, then it still is?" And I was thinking about it quite deeply, it really bothered me to know. And then just before or after falling to sleep a whirlwind sucked me out of my solar plexus and I was thrown into this unknown reality. In short it was way more than my young mind was able to comprehend, the shapes, the sensations/emotions most pronounced of which was fear, fear of being annihilated by those incomprehensible dark objects that I moved past in this vast unknown space/reality. Then I saw some things, like the kitchen and the plates and spoons, saw some people and heard their voices. It was really crazy, it wasn't a dream it was like being in some other world. Then I woke up and tried to explain to my mother what I experienced and I distinctly remember somehow knowing, even though that was the first time I've experienced that (been there), that I was(am?) already there. Crazy stuff and unlike anything I experience before or since (except one or two times I briefly entered that state in meditation)... until 2022 when I finally got some unexpected answers.
I never expected to find Ayahuasca ceremony in my small country, but my life's journey was leading me one step at a time, to participating in a such ceremony led by an experienced shaman from Columbia, and was organized right here in Croatia. Ceremony was held over the period of 3 nights and I've chosen to participate in all of the three ceremonies which lasted from after sunset till just before sunrise. It was done in traditional way with the shaman serving as a guide and protector. All of the participats were in one room and each of us had our own matress and a bucket for vomitting (which is considered a form of healing/detoxing). At the start of each ceremony each participant had hapé inhaled (blown) into their nostrils by shaman's assistant throught the pipe. (
Hapé, or rapé, is pronounced 'haa-pay' in English. This plant medicine is a very sacred herbal snuff, made by the indigenous tribes of the Amazon, with Tobacco and varying Amazonian healing plants, leaves, trees, and seeds from native lands.) Throughout the ceremony the assistant would blow tobacco smoke to participants heads for additonal protection and cleansing of energies. The rules were like this. There are maximum of three possible doses that you can drink. First dose(cup) is drank by everyone at the beginning of the ceremony. After few hours the shaman offers the second dose and then only those who want drink the second dose. And the third dose you have to personally ask the shaman for, and then he decides if you are allowed/able to take it.
The first two nights I only had one or two doses, and didn't even think of going for the third mainly because I was feeling so horrible, so sick, so weak and in so much pain. The general feeling was that of suffering, suffering brought to a surface, suffering brought to my face, to my conscious mind and body. Another shaman I knew explained Ayahuasca to his students as a healer who is sucking out the dark patches/wounds/stains on the person's energy body. And going though it, feeling those emotions in my own body/bodies?, was painfull as hell, and not just a physical pain and discomfort, deeper than that. Imagine a really bad case of flu combined with emotional and mental anguish. I didn't experience any visions or anything similar during first two nights, but I had a feeling that something was happening deep inside, in my mind.
Then the third night I made a conscious choice that I will go all the way through this time, I will be as disciplined as I can possibly be and push through all the pain and suffering and weakness and be able to have the third dose too. So I followed through and was very determined and controlled and kept my meditation going strong. For hours all the way till second dose I felt strong and at peace. And even after taking 2nd dose I remained in that state for hour or two. Then I saw Ayahuasca in a vision appearing in a female form. Then I interacted with her and ended up making love to her in my mind. Then at some point I was struck by sudden feelling of sick and suffering again. And then I dosed off thinking that's it I'm done. But then I woke up and there was an intricate fractal like shape in front of my eyes, clear as day. And when it dissapeared I sat up and looked to my left and then looked to my right. And I immediately realised few things. First: all the suffering/pain/weakness was completely gone (even the chronic pressure I feel in my chest completely gone). Second: I felt incredibely energised, like I could fly, and I could feel the energy even in the tips of my fingers. And third: when I was moving my head left and right I realised I wasn't the only one who was moving my head, and it wasn't just my head I was wearing, I was wearing a large wild cat's head too and we were effectively a one being during that time. And also my field of vision greatly increased, I still had vision of left side of the room even when turning my head to the right. In my mind's eye I saw a wild cat's head on my neck. Then I went to the toilet to look in the mirror to see if my head is that of a cat and it wasn't, but, my face looked different, it didn't look tame as usual but kinda wild/feral. Even tho I felt I could do backflips with the amount of energy I had I just sat back and meditated and then at some point I asked the shaman for the 3d dose and he gave it to me.
Shortly thereafter things became next level weird. It felt like being in a deep part of myself. Like I want at a deeper level of reality. Yes I saw all kinds of 'creatures' floating around. I saw more fractals and parts of animals, for example a vivid vision of an insect which then zoomed to it's leg in an amazing HD level details, and squid and octopus tentacles etc. But all of that felt surface level or like a background noise. I was after meaning, I had questions and wanted answers. It also felt like floating away from 'normal' identity and there was a lot of spinning. Things started making less and less sense as I was floating there but at some point and somehow I established a communication with something. In that state, when I would think of something I would instantly be provided with an answer to my thought/question. I don't remember all the questions and answers, only some. Like when I asked something along the lines: "how did the reality came to be, or how the reality/the universe functions" I instantly saw number 1 0 1 and explanation that 1 represents existance and 0 represents the non existence in between. And I understood that it is like a symbolic representation of the eternal cosmic energy of creation, reinacted/replayed in sex. Then the thoughts and images of bilateral symetry followed, and specificaly thaat of the shape of female butt and vagina (1 0 1). All those thoughts and images arrived instantly and I had no way of understanding their meaning for sure or of verifying their veracity, but somehow it felt true and the source felt real.
Then I saw another vision. I think my question/thought was who am I speaking with. I was wondering if I was speaking with the source of some kind. Now what I was seeing looked like some kind of field that was alive and immediately my whole view of myself was obliterated. I was struck with multiple pieces of information once again. First one happened when the field demonstrated to me that 'it' is everything and everyone. It showed me how it creates every living thing, literaly shaping it into the existence. I saw the field morph itself, as if making a kind of geometric looking holographic projection of an animal that then becomes that animal, but is in reality just the extension-creation of the field itself. And then I was struck with a thought/idea that the field 'has' me. That in reality it is not me having the 'field part of me' but instead it is the field that has me, that has everyone and everything and is everyone and everything. Like the field is wearing me, wearing my body/being like we wear clothes for example. Then I felt like my identity is all a lie, I felt formless and faceless. I had an image of those tooltec warrior statues come to my mind. Like I was like that during that state and the field was actively looking through my eyes. Then a thought came to my mind about the experience I had as a child "is it possible that what I experienced then was actually this state and this "moment in time" in which I currently was. And the answer was "yes".(and later on reflecting about it, it really makes sense) And then the understanding followed: I was led my whole life towards exactly this "moment" and place and experience. It was almost like it was written and unavoidable (and out of my control) and the field was behind it somehow, leading me to this very state. And I had an image of a circle being completed appear in my mind.
Then the shaman finished ceremony early because it was the last night and I felt the energy got darker all of the sudden because him singing icarus songs and playing rattles for protection. I saw darker beings and I was even worried a bit. My mind was spinning too much and at some point I drifted to semi sleep state but when I woke up I couldn't get up for an hour. And I felt like I lost my mind. I didn't feel like myself at all. I thought whoops maybe I'll end up as one of those who fried their antennaes and ended up in a psychiatric asylum. As soon as I tried to sit up I was immediately lied back down due to sheer amount of spinning. It felt like me and my antennae was still in clouds or space. Another participant noticed me having trouble and after some time helped me to go outside on the meadow for some fresh morning air. Then I felt like my body was being controlled by something else. It would walk on it's own or so it seemed. It tried walking backwards and down. After some times I realised it wanted me to lie down on the grass and ground myself. So I did that for hours. Then I also had a thought that the reason why it feels like something else is controlling my body might be because I lost 'my' mind. I lost sense of self identification with my mind, when in fact I'm not really my conscious mind, but something deeper than that, that was now still active. I was walking clumsily, almost like relearning to use my body. Maybe I was actually the true me for first time in a long time (since I was a child). There was a 5 year old child there and I felt I could connect and identify myself with her, like I was like her during that time. Then the time for breakfast came and I took the plate and the spoon to grab the eggs and vegetables but something unexpected happened. My hand holding the spoon was repelled from the pan where the breakfast was, as if magnetically repelled. I tried it many times and always the same thing happened. Then I did it in spite of it or someone else put the food on my plate I don't remember, but once I sat on the chair and try to scoop the food of my plate the same thing happened again. I think people around me thought I was funny or maybe kinda crazy, but it was very real sensation, as if my body didn't want to eat, yet. After I did my bowel movement to get rid of the aya medicine still in my system and after a few hours it went away and I was able to eat. Also I didn't vomit even once during the whole third night ceremony which is not really usual, so I think that might have been connected to this magnetic incident. And literaly today I saw that in my post I quoted above I mentioned plates and spoon (I totally forgot about it for like a decade), and I remember seeing the kitchen while in that experience I had as 5-6 year old.
My theory is that when I was contemplating those deep questions as a child, somehow I got 'pulled' and connected with myself having Ayahuasca experience as a 32 year old. If I really was in that deep reality and maybe even interacting with the field, time isn't an illusion there, so it might be possible that a connection (like a circle) was formed between my 5 year old and 32 year old self. And maybe that could explain why I had that intuition of living in important times and having a 'mission' to fulfil. Maybe that information got 'downloaded' into my 5 year old self's subconscious mind. And maybe even I was really led by the field itself to exactly where my 5 year old self connected with me, at that ayahuasca ceremony experience.
First image is similar how the field looked like only much more vast and alive. Second image is similar to what the field's craetions looked like, except they were morphed out and by the field itself. But those beasts produced in the control room in 'Hunger games' and then materialised in the arena is a good enough representation I think.