I feel loss and grief.

[ClaudiaYG]

A few months ago my husband and I read "When The Body Says No" by Gabor Mate, this book brought out emotions related to my parents that no psychologist was able help me with. The psychologist would say that I was angry at my father but I wouldn't understand why she would say that given that my father was perfect, or so I thought. When I spoke of painful situations provoked by him, a justification would follow.

When I was a little girl, my father would work a lot and mom would stay home taking care of me and my brother. My dad worked Monday to Saturday and at least on one weekday and during weekends he would go out with his friends to some bar or someone else's house. The problem was that he would go there immediately after work and stood there until late, and we would see him only during lunch time. This happend during several years and I lived constantly worried about him, fearing something would happen to him. I would get up a midnight to check if he had arrived and wouldn't sleep well until I was sure he was in bed. My mother, in her desire to protect us, wouldn't tell us the truth. I grew up taking care of them, aware of their needs, assuring they wouldn't feel bad emotionally about anything, I grew up thinking that my parentes were unable to do something for me and feeling guilty.

I was a strong little girl, I could do things on my own, I could take care of me. I cannot recall consciously whether they made explicit comments telling me that I had to do it all by myself or that I had to be perfect, I think mostly I interpret it as such. With Gabor Mate's book I had an episode where I cried inconsolably feeling anger towards them, the feeling lasted several days. I realized I felt abandoned, uncared for, unloved. I felt for a moment hatred, sadness, and I judged them. It was like someone had opened the faucet releasing what had been accumulated for years. I didn't talk to them for a week, I didn't want to do it. Until the emotion receded a bit and I was able to internalize it. Now I think they did what they could with what they had, within their capabilities.

We have a reading group and we are right now with Aleta Edwards' "Fear of the Abyss" and I identify myself a litle less with the PCS personality after a relapse of the auto-immune condition I have. My perfectionism and control softened after it. Last week I spend a week with my parents at the beach, away from TV and the city noise. Mom was taking yoga instruction and was away all morning, so I had the chance to observe my relationship with dad.

What I discovered was that I do not have an intimate relationship with him, meaning that I cannot tell him what I feel or make observations on his conduct. And what I have been asking myself is whether it is because I wouldn't give myself the chance or because I don't think he will be able to confort me or give emotinal support. He is an anxious person, little connected with his own feelings and unable to express sadness, anger or exhaustion. He is always fine. What I have felt with this is a sense of loss and mourning. I feel like I don't have a father, I cannot explain it, I just feel great sadness. It is like something in me died, but I don't know what it is. I didn't suffer abuse on their part, they are loving parents, and have supported me a lot with decisions I have made, have been there all the time and for that I am profoundly thankful, but now I can recognize that there were bitter moments too.

 

[bjorb]

Hi Claudia

[quote author= Claudia]I cannot recall consciously whether they made explicit comments telling me that I had to do it all by myself or that I had to be perfect, I think mostly I interpret it as such.[/quote]

Being children we easily magically think that everything can be our fault.


I think we always imagine/want our parents to love and care for us in all their heart. That’s how it should be.

When we discover that our parents are not the people we thought they were for all our life we rightfully become angry and disappointed. Feeling we have been lied to and deceived. And in a sense we are. Realizing this is part of our healing progress.

I don’t have much to say, I think that the feeling of loss and grief is natural. :)

 

[kalibex]

I didn't suffer abuse on their part, they are loving parents, and have supported me a lot with decisions I have made, have been there all the time and for that I am profoundly thankful, but now I can recognize that there were bitter moments too.

Sounds like you're right in the middle of integrating this new understanding... As Bjorn said, the mourning's very natural.

 

[sitting]

I didn't suffer abuse on their part, they are loving parents, and have supported me a lot with decisions I have made, have been there all the time and for that I am profoundly thankful, but now I can recognize that there were bitter moments too.

I can only gauge through your own words (and that they reflect your feelings accurately.)

With that in mind, let me ask you this:

Do (should) the "bitter moments" significantly toss aside & negate all this?

"I didn't suffer abuse on their part, they are loving parents,
and have supported me a lot with decisions I have made,
have been there all the time ... "

Parenting is really a challenge. And I'm not kidding.

FWIW

 

[Shared Joy]

Hi Claudia,

Please give you some time to process all these impressions, as many things can be reactivated and surface:

We have a reading group and we are right now with Aleta Edwards' "Fear of the Abyss" and I identify myself a litle less with the PCS personality after a relapse of the auto-immune condition I have. My perfectionism and control softened after it. Last week I spend a week with my parents at the beach, away from TV and the city noise. Mom was taking yoga instruction and was away all morning, so I had the chance to observe my relationship with dad.

Use self-contemplation as much you can without jumping to conclusions. Sometimes the information is too much to be processed at once. It took you many years of denial to turn around and face something which is not clear yet, as I can see. Please, give yourself time to get use to these new feelings, don't try to "fix" the situation before you clarify it, or you will recrystallize on a wrong foundation. You might need a good therapist to talk to an offer you an alternate perspective.

What I discovered was that I do not have an intimate relationship with him, meaning that I cannot tell him what I feel or make observations on his conduct. And what I have been asking myself is whether it is because I wouldn't give myself the chance or because I don't think he will be able to confort me or give emotional support. He is an anxious person, little connected with his own feelings and unable to express sadness, anger or exhaustion. He is always fine. What I have felt with this is a sense of loss and mourning. I feel like I don't have a father, I cannot explain it, I just feel great sadness. It is like something in me died, but I don't know what it is. I didn't suffer abuse on their part, they are loving parents, and have supported me a lot with decisions I have made, have been there all the time and for that I am profoundly thankful, but now I can recognize that there were bitter moments too.

Small wonder you don't have an intimate relationship - this has to be built thoroughly, by being present and supporting the child's need, which changes during her /his development. For a child, a parents are the most important persons, and out of loyalty, one is reluctant to admit that they could be flawed.

Same happens with the choices we make for a mate - but here we are ashamed to admit that our judgment was flawed and we made a mistake.

Generally speaking people don't get trained about parenthood - many adults wind up doing what they consider the most important thing - to ensure survival - that is material sustenance.
As you just said, he was away most of the time. You just had a chance to see him with fresh eyes, so to say, and got disappointed.

Just work with the newly emerged situation at your own pace.

When some detachment becomes possible you can initiate some new encounters - until then you could get some guidance how to approach him and possible start and adult - to-adult conversation. You :)'re not a child anymore. Your relationship has to change, but before that your self image too.

Take care

 

[Chu]

I think that Shared Joy said it very well. And this too, shall pass! It is always difficult in the beginning to do the type of mourning you are doing. But you will come out of it stronger. Having seen it in myself and others here, it seems that in general, first you feel VERY sad upon realizing how not close you can be to those who were supposed to be so close. Then, you go through periods of anger, disappointment and sadness. Understandable from the point of view of that child that you were, and who never got real nurturing. Then, you understand that you parents did the very best they could with the little knowledge and maturity they had. And any combination of the above, back and forth, sometimes.

There may be moments when you wish you could fix it and be close now, and you get disappointed again. At other times, you may be content enough to simply be able to share a few things with them, wish them the best, and that's pretty much it. It helps to not hope for a resolution, a miracle, a sudden connection, and instead, to continue on the path of trying your best to know yourself, have a better understanding of your programs, your wounds and your own narcissistic traits. Then close family members stop having such a such hold on us, because we have managed to make a healthier separation. They are who they are, you are who you are, and their opinions or lack of affection don't affect you in the same way (although they always do, one way or another, but at least it won't rule you). When that separation comes, you can even have what I think is a healthier relationship with them, as "imperfect" and not intimate as it may be. At least it will be with boundaries, and sharing what you can, being as externally considerate as you can, but without expecting the wonderful closeness you expected as a child, and never got.

Your physical symptoms may be a "blessing", in a sense, because you have a clear signal from your body when something is not ok. And now, with the information you have acquired recently, you are starting to have tools to cope better. With time, you may not need those symptoms anymore. But one step at a time! I think that what you are going through is normal, and that you are doing great. It would be nice if we didn't have to go through painful periods such as these, but maybe it's necessary to really process things from the past and learning to Be in the present.

 

[Konstantin]

When we are children , we are idealizing our parents. Since you said that your father was mostly absent from home, but a calm person , then as a children you loved him and he as your hero.Now since you are adult and you perception is different and your awareness is bigger, you saw the reality about your father. Maybe that book was a trigger for that realization. Your body was sending you a signs but you could not interpret them and finally all those reading helped you on some way to understand the message, and to see the real picture of your parents.

Then all those feelings that came to you are just a natural development of the situation. Just be strong, work on yourself and network.

 

[ClaudiaYG]

Thank you all!
It is been very hard to process and some days I feel very sad. I crying a lot, remembering things.
When I was crying my thoughts are "I am so angry and I can not forgive them" I do not know what to do.

 

[Buddy]

It is been very hard to process and some days I feel very sad. I crying a lot, remembering things.
When I was crying my thoughts are "I am so angry and I can not forgive them" I do not know what to do.

Hi ClaudiaYG. I know it's been two weeks since the last reply from others and I'm sorry I'm late to your thread. I'd just like to offer a few words of support and maybe something a little useful.

I have been through something similar to what you're going through. I would say that the only thing that needs doing is to give yourself whatever time seems to be needed to process the emotional fallout of loss and grief.

It's ok to have thoughts like "I am so angry and I can not forgive them" and there may be other thoughts that come and go. Try your best to acknowledge them for what they are without trying to repeat them over and over or to use these thoughts for anything else, like identifying with them, feeling bad about yourself, judging yourself or others, etc.

I know it's not easy, but when you are dealing with your own emotions, when you're seeing inside yourself like that, it's like walking down the sidewalk of a city street. People (thoughts and feelings) are walking (moving) toward you going the opposite way to you. And so they all appear to be approaching you but only because you are facing their way and because you are facing toward them, that's the only way they can get past you to continue on their way.

Like others said, this will pass and it will get easier. It may even be a little easier if you can somehow give those thought forms with their emotional content some autonomy of their own. Allow yourself to "name" it, take notice of it's properties or characteristics, strengths and etc. This is all "acknowledging." Try to avoid any invitation to cling to it or in any way "possess" it. I know this is not easy because the emotions and thoughts feel so strongly like "us" when we're in the middle of all of it.

When all this gets easier to do with your thoughts and emotions it will simultaneously get easier to do with people in your life and you may even see relationships improve wonderfully! :) As within, so without.

It helps to not hope for a resolution, a miracle, a sudden connection, and instead, to continue on the path of trying your best to know yourself, have a better understanding of your programs, your wounds and your own narcissistic traits. Then close family members stop having such a such hold on us, because we have managed to make a healthier separation.

I don't often get a chance to quote Chu, but this is something that's important to me, so I'll try and emphasize it. I used to hope for the same things mentioned above, but somehow I realized it was just a way for me to operate on a level above the actual situation. IOW, for me, there's no point in hoping like that because it just keeps pushing resolution into the future while leaving me in a sorry state right now. The body wants to go ahead and deal with it and process it all now or do whatever else needs doing when and while that work presents itself.

 

[munaychasumaq]

Hi ClaudiaYG. The breathing program Èiriù Eolas are going to help you a lot to process your emotions and clean them and specially you will try to go inside the childhood of your parents and probably you will find a lot of pain and bad experiences into them.To this way you will understand much better your own ones,but previously you need to understand them first

http://eiriu-eolas.org/

 

[Michael B-C]

Hi Claudia. I understand your feelings, your sense of loss and betrayal. Despite the pain you are in a good place because you have found an important answer that may well underlay much of your life to date and how you have behaved as a result. As others have said you may find much of benefit from this gift of self knowledge you are giving yourself so stay the distance with it. But as Chu said it is possibly best not to look for resolution with your father - you are already seeing him more objectively and in that space you can see that it is most unlikely that he has the ability to bridge the gap or indeed should be pushed to do so. It is almost certainly beyond him. That is one of the most important things to accept. In fact acceptance, acknowledgement of the reality, is part of your healing. To not want or to look for what is not possible - and never was because he is what he is. At least he is still there and you can have something with him that whilst not being intimate and is far from complete, can still become based on a truer reflection of your actual relationship rather than a wished for one - albeit limited. But I would suggest a degree of caution in that expectations that the feelings you now have will go away may never materialize. There may always be a deep wound - an emptiness, a sense of sadness and loss. Something in you is possibly dying - a belief that one day, somehow, he would love you as he should have. That he didn't and cant is a painful and slow realization. The hole has been made and cannot easily be filled in. So maybe accept that fact as an act of conscious suffering. Accept the pain as part of you - as a lesson in life you have at some level chosen to learn from. That maybe at a higher level you made some kind of an agreement with him to have this experience so that something you need to discover and face could be played out. It may help in the long run adding a degree of objectivity and reducing the element of blame and shame that otherwise may want to hang around. The pain may become smaller and smaller day by day, year by year, as a result - but don't expect it to entirely leave you.

You have many here who share what you feel and are with you. Maybe use this thread to post updates - good or bad - as time goes by, especially in the early, raw stage you are in. But the processing will perhaps take years and just when you think you have mastered the situation, something will trigger it off again so be careful not to put unhelpful expectations on yourself about how you can always cope with it. Sharing whatever state you are in may hep you through this necessary, long term period of grieving. Good luck. FWIW.

 

[Chu]

But I would suggest a degree of caution in that expectations that the feelings you now have will go away may never materialize. There may always be a deep wound - an emptiness, a sense of sadness and loss. Something in you is possibly dying - a belief that one day, somehow, he would love you as he should have. That he didn't and cant is a painful and slow realization. The hole has been made and cannot easily be filled in. So maybe accept that fact as an act of conscious suffering. Accept the pain as part of you - as a lesson in life you have at some level chosen to learn from. That maybe at a higher level you made some kind of an agreement with him to have this experience so that something you need to discover and face could be played out. It may help in the long run adding a degree of objectivity and reducing the element of blame and shame that otherwise may want to hang around. The pain may become smaller and smaller day by day, year by year, as a result - but don't expect it to entirely leave you.

Very true for many of us, and very important, IMO.

Claudia, there are times when going through these emotional realizations, it is a good idea to do something symbolic. It depends on each person, of course. For me, it would be cleaning and tidying up, as a symbol of letting go of things and organizing my thoughts and emotions. Or doing something manual, be it gardening, cooking, sewing, or whatever. It helps to get the moving center going! Others may prefer working out, going for a walk, etc. It helps if you engage other centers in general, and let things process naturally without forcing anything. This also helps with not identifying too much with what is going on inside, as Buddy wrote.

Hang in there!