j0da
Jedi Council Member
Dear friends,
Two years have passed since I've disappeared from SOTT forum. My come back was long overdue, however it seems I needed sufficient external shock to finally overcome my numbness and return where I believe I truly belong. Recent tragic event obviously kickstarted my engine and so I'm back - hopefully for good. I think I owe You an explanation, so let me recapitulate what was going on. This story must be brief and selective, out of necessity, since covering all the important events of such a long period in one post exceeds my present ability.
I've registered to SOTT forum in 2006 and since then, until late 2008 I was active forum member. Evidently, the amount of Truth I have assimilated during that period took it's toll. Shortly after I've finished reading four books out of Narcissism "Big Five" I plunged into nightmarish full blown depression.
Although my life was a mess before, it got much worse. I couldn't eat, nor sleep, nor work. My everyday affairs have begun to deteriorate to the point where I couldn't afford to pay the rent, pay for utilities or buy sufficiently nutritious food. I lived by scraps, eating toasts for months, rotting alone at the stinking hole my apartment turned into. In the beginning of 2009 I found myself at the edge. It was the first time I seriously considered suicide, and these thoughts led me to final decision - either I find immediate, professional help or I end my life there and then. And so I went, looking for professional counselling, with empty pockets! It seems it was an act of desperation and a leap of faith in the same time.
Fortunately, I managed to find professional psychoanalyst, a really nice woman who enjoys wide regard among counsellors in a city where I live, who not only found time for me in her busy schedule, but also was willing to take the risk and begin to treat me despite my horrible financial situation. Although I've never expected anything for free and kept some pennies to pay for initial consultations, I was essentially broke and she knew it. Thus, my therapy has begun. Since march 2009 I've been working with her FOUR times a week. You may realize it or not, but it is very intensive treatment, some people I know who are in therapy attend two, maximum three sessions a week. Considering the state I was in, it seemed only necessary.
Without going into much detail now I can say that getting out of depression is much harder that dwelling in one :) Not only was I forced to face the Truth on a regular, very personal basis, but I had to earn enough money to pay for it in the same time! It was a mighty struggle, since almost every session literally ripped apart my old wounds, revealed all sorts of freaking stuff, which in effect often made me want to crawl under my bed and disappear forever. I couldn't do it however - remember the money part?
Cutting the story short, I got better. Not in one day, not in one month, not in a year. Only recently, let's say - two months ago I finally begun to lead more or less normal life, which means most of the time I sleep well, I eat, I got out of most of my debts, I'm clean, sober an in a good mood every once in a while. I'd say I consider myself well underway to the state of Gurdjieff's "Good Citizen".
One VERY importand thing - credit must go, where credit is due. Although being in a therapy isn't easy, I must say that quite often I was cutting through "issues" like hot knife through butter! That wouldn't be possible without "training" I have received here - from all of You. You have prepared me, got me used to having my feet kept in the fire and thought how to think. This is a damn good school and You rock, folks!
Having arrived at this point an important question formed in my mind: "WHAT NOW?" Frankly, I don't know, but I hope I'll find out soon enough and You, my friends, are part of the answer.
Now...can I have a cookie?
j0da
Two years have passed since I've disappeared from SOTT forum. My come back was long overdue, however it seems I needed sufficient external shock to finally overcome my numbness and return where I believe I truly belong. Recent tragic event obviously kickstarted my engine and so I'm back - hopefully for good. I think I owe You an explanation, so let me recapitulate what was going on. This story must be brief and selective, out of necessity, since covering all the important events of such a long period in one post exceeds my present ability.
I've registered to SOTT forum in 2006 and since then, until late 2008 I was active forum member. Evidently, the amount of Truth I have assimilated during that period took it's toll. Shortly after I've finished reading four books out of Narcissism "Big Five" I plunged into nightmarish full blown depression.
Although my life was a mess before, it got much worse. I couldn't eat, nor sleep, nor work. My everyday affairs have begun to deteriorate to the point where I couldn't afford to pay the rent, pay for utilities or buy sufficiently nutritious food. I lived by scraps, eating toasts for months, rotting alone at the stinking hole my apartment turned into. In the beginning of 2009 I found myself at the edge. It was the first time I seriously considered suicide, and these thoughts led me to final decision - either I find immediate, professional help or I end my life there and then. And so I went, looking for professional counselling, with empty pockets! It seems it was an act of desperation and a leap of faith in the same time.
Fortunately, I managed to find professional psychoanalyst, a really nice woman who enjoys wide regard among counsellors in a city where I live, who not only found time for me in her busy schedule, but also was willing to take the risk and begin to treat me despite my horrible financial situation. Although I've never expected anything for free and kept some pennies to pay for initial consultations, I was essentially broke and she knew it. Thus, my therapy has begun. Since march 2009 I've been working with her FOUR times a week. You may realize it or not, but it is very intensive treatment, some people I know who are in therapy attend two, maximum three sessions a week. Considering the state I was in, it seemed only necessary.
Without going into much detail now I can say that getting out of depression is much harder that dwelling in one :) Not only was I forced to face the Truth on a regular, very personal basis, but I had to earn enough money to pay for it in the same time! It was a mighty struggle, since almost every session literally ripped apart my old wounds, revealed all sorts of freaking stuff, which in effect often made me want to crawl under my bed and disappear forever. I couldn't do it however - remember the money part?
Cutting the story short, I got better. Not in one day, not in one month, not in a year. Only recently, let's say - two months ago I finally begun to lead more or less normal life, which means most of the time I sleep well, I eat, I got out of most of my debts, I'm clean, sober an in a good mood every once in a while. I'd say I consider myself well underway to the state of Gurdjieff's "Good Citizen".
One VERY importand thing - credit must go, where credit is due. Although being in a therapy isn't easy, I must say that quite often I was cutting through "issues" like hot knife through butter! That wouldn't be possible without "training" I have received here - from all of You. You have prepared me, got me used to having my feet kept in the fire and thought how to think. This is a damn good school and You rock, folks!
Having arrived at this point an important question formed in my mind: "WHAT NOW?" Frankly, I don't know, but I hope I'll find out soon enough and You, my friends, are part of the answer.
Now...can I have a cookie?
j0da
