Introvert and Extrovert

[obyvatel]

What I've found that is a real problem in conversations, is for example, the ones that just want to talk about something they like and nothing more, and the don't really care what others want to talk, they want to talk strictly about something they want. Why this people need others to talk about it?? if they can be talking just with themselves happily. Or why they can't look for people who are able to talk upon such things???

Listening to one-sided conversations provides the speaker with a sense of being validated - and the speaker ends up feeling relieved as a result.
Listening in such cases can be a great Work exercise. A voice inside wants to speak up and say its piece in the conversation. If it is denied that chance, then resentment may creep in accompanied by the urge to disengage. Or the internal pressure to say something builds up to a degree where it almost becomes imperative to speak. This is justified with the reasoning that a conversation should be balanced. Interesting things to observe in oneself if one is able to bring attention to the moment.

 

[Courageous Inmate Sort]

There have been times in a group discussion where there are some strong personalities and I can not interject loud enough. Where I say something and then another person in the group will say the exact same thing I had just said and everyone will acknowledge him/her. Sometimes I will say "I just said that" or times where I just stay quiet.

Been there. A lot of times. It felt like I could get up on the table and dance around and no one would notice. I wouldn't even say "I just said that", I'd only stay quiet and let it go (but in my head I would be thinking .

But I had to learn the hard way how to get more attention. In my work I now have to participate in a lot of meetings with lots of people. And I always had difficulty in being heard, especially because besides thinking it is rude to interrupt other people I would feel kind of backlashed (by the others' indifference) for trying to speak.

However, in these circumstances, if I don't just start speaking (which will always cut someone off) I never get the chance to speak at all (and in these cases it is my job to speak and give my point of view). The main difference between what I do now and what I did in the past is (i) I try to be very comfortable with what I need to say, so I study the subject before the meeting; and (ii) when I start talking, I just keep talking with a reasonable voice volume until people notice, stop talking and start paying attention (in the past I would stop talking if the others would not stop right when I started). In retrospect I'm actually impressed how many times it worked.

Is it sometimes I am an introvert while other times that I am more extrovert? Does it depend on the group dynamics of the other personalities within the discussion? Am I actually being externally considerate by holding back my voice if I truly have something worth while to say? Or is this a self preservation thing happening where I do not want to expend the energy out to those that have not asked? Hmmn, will definitely be more aware the next time this comes up.

In my experience situation is all important. For instance, the larger the crowd, the more introverted I get. I found however a kind of "cut off" point, or threshold. I'm very comfortable talking one-on-one, or with two other people. But If I have to face three people at the same time things start getting bad and I have way more difficulty to cope. This is also why in a large meeting I always try to focus on one or two people at a time. More than that and I start getting lost.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[deleven]

One thing I have found regarding being externally considerate during conversations with others, is that the vast majority of people will quite happily talk away and are mostly unaware that the conversation is unbalanced. I've had conversations with people that are entirely one sided, with me listening and paying attention, but saying very little myself, and afterwords the person will say what a great conversation we had!

This type of situation is great practice in being externally considerate, because the predator wants to get it's share of attention and talk and it takes effort to just focus on the other person without needing to speak about ourself.

Am I actually being externally considerate by holding back my voice if I truly have something worth while to say? Or is this a self preservation thing happening where I do not want to expend the energy out to those that have not asked?

This is what it boils down to for me and is part of my struggle in these situations. I just don't have the desire to be leached upon by anyone who can't appreciate my external consideration. Thankfully I'm having enough of these experiences to show me a pattern of how to recognize more quickly my real motivations in these situations. I think you hit the nail on the head. Have they asked? This stays in alignment with free will and our STO objectives.

 

[HowToBe]

Am I actually being externally considerate by holding back my voice if I truly have something worth while to say? Or is this a self preservation thing happening where I do not want to expend the energy out to those that have not asked?

The question that comes to mind for me is, "worth while to whom?" What's the criteria for deciding what is "worth while to say"?

This is what it boils down to for me and is part of my struggle in these situations. I just don't have the desire to be leached upon by anyone who can't appreciate my external consideration. Thankfully I'm having enough of these experiences to show me a pattern of how to recognize more quickly my real motivations in these situations. I think you hit the nail on the head. Have they asked? This stays in alignment with free will and our STO objectives.

I don't know if I understand what you mean by the bolded sentence?

 

[deleven]

This is what it boils down to for me and is part of my struggle in these situations. I just don't have the desire to be leached upon by anyone who can't appreciate my external consideration. Thankfully I'm having enough of these experiences to show me a pattern of how to recognize more quickly my real motivations in these situations. I think you hit the nail on the head. Have they asked? This stays in alignment with free will and our STO objectives.

I don't know if I understand what you mean by the bolded sentence?

I can see that my past operating program has been, What's-in-it-for-me? This was pretty much the underlying motivation for any relationship I had although I was not conciously aware of it. On the surface I wore a very proper mask, blending in well and prospering in my field. Yet internally, I was an emotional wreck. I was never at peace with STS motivations though I knew the game well. So much so, that it took severe trauma to finallly allow me to begin to feel the wreck. A big part of this unfolding of my emotional center was to place myself in situations designed to trigger and agitate buried wounds unbeknownst to me conciously. I dropped out of proper society and immersed myself within the underworld to provided ample experiences in understanding the victim role. Upon reflection I can see that I desired this as a way to 'atone' for my affluence allowing programs of guilt to take over. It wasn't until I recognized the same pattern and started feeling the constant drain as a result of all my 'giving' from those that were incapable of doing anything other than running their own programs that I no longer liked this desire that I had created merely to appease my guilt. Secretly, I had liked this desire to be 'victimized' because it had served me within the primary program of 'What's in it for me?' for it was appeasing my conscience. A Martyr program of sorts. Realizing this helped me to disengage from its previously unconsious hold. Now I'm to a point where I can say that I no longer desire victimization as a learning experience. A very real struggle is still the balance between personal motivations and genuine care for others. But now I'm clearer on my motivations which has helped immensely in my listening efforts. Does this help answer your question?

Great thread :D

 

[Bluestar]

Am I actually being externally considerate by holding back my voice if I truly have something worth while to say? Or is this a self preservation thing happening where I do not want to expend the energy out to those that have not asked?

The question that comes to mind for me is, "worth while to whom?" What's the criteria for deciding what is "worth while to say"?

This is a great point. When I wrote this I was thinking about a situation where it may either end a conflict by stating a reasonable way to look at it. Or a simpler statement of a fact that people are over looking and ignoring and wasting a lot of energy from my perspective.

The truth of the matter is maybe the people involved in the conversation do not want the facts or to be reasonable. This is where my discernment comes into play. To decide if I should just stay out of the conversation all together or to continue to try and give the facts based on proof or to be reasonable. Depends on the moment.

 

[deleven]

Am I actually being externally considerate by holding back my voice if I truly have something worth while to say? Or is this a self preservation thing happening where I do not want to expend the energy out to those that have not asked?

The question that comes to mind for me is, "worth while to whom?" What's the criteria for deciding what is "worth while to say"?

This is a great point. When I wrote this I was thinking about a situation where it may either end a conflict by stating a reasonable way to look at it. Or a simpler statement of a fact that people are over looking and ignoring and wasting a lot of energy from my perspective.

The truth of the matter is maybe the people involved in the conversation do not want the facts or to be reasonable. This is where my discernment comes into play. To decide if I should just stay out of the conversation all together or to continue to try and give the facts based on proof or to be reasonable. Depends on the moment.

Yes, exactly. Now that my programs are basically deactivated I've acquired this discernment, no longer feeling compelled to engage.


Edit=Quote

 

[HowToBe]

Yes, exactly. Now that my programs are basically deactivated I've acquired this discernment, no longer feeling compelled to engage.

Can you be so bold?! That's quite a statement! Whether you meant this in general or in a more specific way relating to the conversation, it sounds like possible wishful thinking. Are they deactivated, or are they "pretending to be dead"?

If any of us are program-free, the question comes to mind; why is this person still 3D STS? Clear language is important here.

I may or may not be overreacting. FWIW

 

[deleven]

Yes, exactly. Now that my programs are basically deactivated I've acquired this discernment, no longer feeling compelled to engage.

Can you be so bold?! That's quite a statement! Whether you meant this in general or in a more specific way relating to the conversation, it sounds like possible wishful thinking. Are they deactivated, or are they "pretending to be dead"?

If any of us are program-free, the question comes to mind; why is this person still 3D STS? Clear language is important here.

I may or may not be overreacting. FWIW

'Deactivated' is too bold a description. I'm certainly not program free. Better said would be that as these programs reveal themselves I am able to apply internal nonconsidering to a concious degree. While in the past, the programs had a life of their own, and I was not able to detect them as anything other than, 'just who I am' or in other words , the justifications of the false personality. I found myself even defending these quirks (programs) as an attribute of my 'specialness'. I am a recovering narcissist. I can see advances in certain areas and also admit to discovering that through these advances, deeper programs reveal themselves. The programs that are basically deactivated are those that kept me from acknowledging my narcissistic traits. So merely the skin of the onion was peeled revealing the self-loathing underbelly. So the real victory, in a sense, is that when programs are triggered the possibility for Work is now at hand where before I automatically 'put it on you'. Thank you for catching that. I like this concept of "pretending to be dead" as a more vigilant outlook