Thanks for the helpful comments, including your most recent, MC. I don't seek any explanations. If you have specific ideas from you about how I can express myself more clearly, I'd still appreciate learning from you. What hits me hard is when I'm told what my own thoughts and feelings must have been, rather than asked. You happened to catch me off guard at a very low time. Perhaps this post will help you understand why I sometimes seem to miss the obvious.
I will go through Laura's entire meditation program, and report back. If I feel discomfort, I will go more slowly and gently. If I experience pain or other physical side effects, I will back off and retry later. If I experience the emotional release side effects Laura discusses, that would actually be good for me now.
I was going to bring my story here gradually and in chronological order. But at this point it would be simpler to summarize what's happening right now.
I am trying to take care of a Stage 4 cancer patient, who also suffers massive anxiety attacks throughout the day. These add up to a debilitating situation. She has standard heavy-duty cancer treatment, and the bare minimum of resources for day to day survival. The chemotherapy has a side effect in her of destroying the emotional blocks she had developed to protect her from the soul-disintegrating effects of growing up in a random, violent, insane, cruel cult far worse than what I grew up with.
At the same time, my own health has collapsed and I have been unable to support her with my own career funding both of us, as we'd originally hoped. About half of the time, I have massive chronic pain and other very severe symptoms that make me unable to function and, as you've seen, pretty dim witted verbally. (Right now my thinking is as clear as it gets for me.) If I was to try to have a physically pain-free life, I'd need something like ten Percosets a day. That would likely put me into a drug stupor even worse than the effects of the pain. As it is, I get by with a couple of tylenol or advil once or twice a day.
Both of us have been tremendously hurt in almost every way imaginable by abusive personal and work situations which repeated our childhood situations. We were defenseless, without any awareness about predatory processes. I know my partner would be utterly overwhelmed by this forum. However, as I mentioned I've brought some of the material from here into our therapy discussions and every time, it has led to very constructive communication and insight.
All of our savings, credit, and anything of value has been disposed of for her medical needs. Despite there being a world-class functional medicine clinic in my town, that deals with exactly the kind of issues in the medical book Laura recommended to me here, I have not been able to get any treatment. Even regular vitamin supplements are out of reach financially at this time.
To live within our means, we are currently sharing a house with a violent, abusive alcoholic as one of the other roommates.
At the same time, I've found what seems to be some good information about home-based work we might be able to do, even while sick, to pull ourselves out of the financial hole. We live where the kind of health care we need is a privilege for the rich, so we need to get more money while unable to do regular day jobs. Yet that makes additional concerns, as with the sales letter article I posted. Sales letters can be kind and respectful, and I don't want to learn how to escape psychopaths by becoming like them. These concerns can make me feel very wary at times.
These are a few of the headlines in what has been many years of chaos and loss, in circumstances of disallowed grief.
As a result, sometimes I am a bit distracted or overwhelmed, and don't catch everything that someone said the first time that I hear or read their words.
Given these circumstances I hope I can be allowed to continue participating with a pseudonym, and granted an occasional allowance for sometimes needing to discuss the obvious more than once.
It really hit me hard when I finally got enough courage to join the discussions here about the ultimate balance (6D) of wisdom (5D) and compassion (4D). And along with a few helpful comments, I also got a flurry of posts from people who, it felt to me, were repeating my past experiences with people who insisted that their uncomfortable feelings proved that I must be some kind of fraudulent attacker. Their feelings were proof that I couldn't actually be a person who has both kindness and hurt inside and is trying to reach for balance and wholeness. Their feelings were proof that I couldn't actually have any goals that I can be of service to those I can help and support in their growth. And no testimony in my own behalf was tolerated. It really hurt to feel that same sense of mistrust and condemnation here that I was hoping to not find here.
While listening to Laura's talk, I did not perfectly understand the distinctions she made because these other concerns were also present. With good health, adequate housing; no reason to fear the future; and a calm, peaceful study environment, of course I would have immediately got her point on the first try.
I hereby offer to mail, to QFG's Boulder mailing address, a written statement with my actual name and location, and a signed authorization for Laura to contact the licensed clinical social workers at the cancer center who can confirm that what I am saying is true. She could then tell the forum that I am sincerely what I say, while keeping my actual name and location in confidence. Is this necessary to defuse the questions about my motivation?
After withdrawing from my other currently active threads, I'll learn to breathe and mediate and check back next week. Best regards to all.
