No Longer Interested in Sex

Bit of a late reply Fireshadow, just wanted to say I'm pretty much in the same boat.

Some really good points have been brought up for consideration. However I'm about a 1/3 of the way through "Unholy Hungers" which makes it easier for me to formulate my answer.

If I am being pressured/teased/guilted into doing something that makes me feel 'less' like me then I think I'm bloody well being prepared for a meal, and I don't care who that person is I have the right to say no!

I have had no interest in sex for many, many years. I was quiely convinced by society that something was wrong with me, so I faked it for years. Now I just usually say sorry to hubby, can't help you there. Wright or wrong at least I claim my free will to choose. And at least I am now able to apply the knowledge from such great books to my life and make a difference in the food chain, even just a morsel.
 
Just a few lines to report in.

I read a lot on the website that discussed the two types of libido. (_http://www.reuniting.info)

It was an interesting read, especially the article on "Sex, Abundance, and Sustainability". (_http://www.reuniting.info/sex_abundance_sustainability) Here is an excerpt (bold mine).

Why can't I have what I want?

If our thoughts manifest on the material plane, why don't we get exactly what we wish for? I believe the answer is subtle but simple. It's not just our conscious commands that mold our experience. Powerful gut feelings and the expectations they trigger play an even greater role in shaping our reality.

For example, we weren't visualizing global financial bubbles and economic collapse. So how did we collectively manage such a dismal outcome? It's a reflection of our inner turmoil. Unless we're feeling balanced, safe and whole, what we attract seldom meets our expectations. In fact, the more erratic, selfish, anxious or impulsive we feel, the more chaotic our results. As we'll see, these intense feelings also equate with neurochemical changes occurring deep in a part of the brain common to all mammals.

Think of Aladdin rubbing a magic lamp, except that his lamp takes into account his state of mind as he rubs. Let's say he's feeling irritable and sorry for himself. What he calls forth will automatically incorporate these elements. Maybe he feverishly chants "Ferrari, Ferrari, Ferrari," but his lamp spits out a sleek, swift, ill-tempered camel.
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Then I talked with Hubby and we decided to order the book "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" - it should arrive in a few days. We decided to try it out and test her theory. I will try to remember to post our results. Of course, this may take some time as the "program" at the back of the book is for a 3-week period (2 weeks of non-sexual bonding behaviors to "clear the system" and readjust our neurochemistry and a week of Karezza - sexual bonding behaviors) just for starters. I think we should extend that to a month (2 weeks of each) and then try "conventional" sex again as a comparison. Post results and try again as it will probable take some practice to "get it right" before a true test is possible.

I discovered a new excitement in reading all the material so far. Thanks again for the original links, Approaching Affinity! I have found a path I feel good about trying at least. Hubby is just happy I am interested at all.
 
FireShadow-

I'll be interested to hear your results with the book. I have the old version of the book (which I posted about quite some time ago) called Peace Between the Sheets. In theory a lot of it made sense (some of it was really out there and off base...) but I never had a chance to try out the techniques, as I do not have a sexual partner. It seemed interesting because there are "assignments", it seems like it would take a lot of the pressure off, as well as not aiming towards chemical-fix sex.
 
stellar said:
Bit of a late reply Fireshadow, just wanted to say I'm pretty much in the same boat.

Some really good points have been brought up for consideration. However I'm about a 1/3 of the way through "Unholy Hungers" which makes it easier for me to formulate my answer.

If I am being pressured/teased/guilted into doing something that makes me feel 'less' like me then I think I'm bloody well being prepared for a meal, and I don't care who that person is I have the right to say no!

I have had no interest in sex for many, many years. I was quiely convinced by society that something was wrong with me, so I faked it for years. Now I just usually say sorry to hubby, can't help you there. Wright or wrong at least I claim my free will to choose. And at least I am now able to apply the knowledge from such great books to my life and make a difference in the food chain, even just a morsel.
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I hear you, Stellar. Interesting that Fireshadow is in her 50's (perhaps beginning menopause) and I am in my late 50's, well past menopause. I am wondering if you, Stellar, also are in that category 'of a certain age' (these days it really varies) hormone-wise. Over a little bit of time, my hubby and I naturally gravitated to what the articles call 'non- sexual bonding behaviors' after we released conventional sex out of our lives. Our conclusion: it's all we ever needed!!--we never went back.
So, Fireshadow, I too will be interested in where you and hubby are at in a month or two.
I really enjoyed your most recent quote and plan to read more on that.
 
stellar said:
If I am being pressured/teased/guilted into doing something that makes me feel 'less' like me then I think I'm bloody well being prepared for a meal, and I don't care who that person is I have the right to say no!
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Yes! Exactly how I feel. You just said it better than I did. Fortunately, Hubby does not pressure or try to guilt me into anything. He is a gem. My efforts to "get in the mood" were more about loving him and wanting to give to him. The pressure I felt was more from "society" that seems to tell us that there is something wrong with us if we no longer want the "fertilization/orgasm based sex" that is touted everywhere.

SolarMother said:
I hear you, Stellar. Interesting that Fireshadow is in her 50's (perhaps beginning menopause) and I am in my late 50's, well past menopause. I am wondering if you, Stellar, also are in that category 'of a certain age' (these days it really varies) hormone-wise. Over a little bit of time, my hubby and I naturally gravitated to what the articles call 'non- sexual bonding behaviors' after we released conventional sex out of our lives. Our conclusion: it's all we ever needed!!--we never went back.
So, Fireshadow, I too will be interested in where you and hubby are at in a month or two.
I really enjoyed your most recent quote and plan to read more on that.
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Thanks for posting - This is reassuring - nice to know someone has found this path to some success (kudo for finding it on your own!).

Thanks for all the posts by women "of a certain age" (hormonally speaking) - You let me know I am not alone in my experience of this phase of my life. I have not yet manifested many symptoms of "the change". But I did begin to get migraines again a few years ago, thankfully not often! The only other time of my life I have gotten migraines was during puberty and for a few years afterwards. My cycles have actually gotten shorter (23 days) these past few years! Just my luck. (Maybe Mother Nature is making me make up for having such nice long 30 day cycles for most of my life.) No hotflashes yet either. (Not looking forward to those if they come in the summer - I live in Texas and it is definitely hot enough already!)

I cannot help but feel and think that it is logical for women to lose the drive for "orgasm/fertilization based sex" as we age and leave those "reproductive" years. Although the desire/need for closeness and intimacy is still there. I am excited to find a path that addresses this. I am even more excited to find it may even help with the spiritual journey itself. I have explored pretty much most of what "orgasm based sex" has to offer. I am happy to have a partner who is willing to explore "non-orgasm based sex". Perhaps I have not finished my lessons in sex after all! On to the Final Frontier!
 
Both hubby and I are in our late 40's , SolarMother. His libido is certainly very low with which I have no problem as it contributes to my strategic enclosure, so to speak.

Not saying that my intention is to manipulate the person or situation, just using it to take advantage in carrying on with work on myself without STS distractions that I choose to avoid.

Hope that makes sense. :/
 
Just a dietary note on this. I find that when I eat buckwheat on a daily basis that my sexual desire and feelings drop to near zero. Has anyone else experienced this?

Maybe buckwheat is not for me.

Mac
 
stellar said:
Both hubby and I are in our late 40's , SolarMother. His libido is certainly very low with which I have no problem as it contributes to my strategic enclosure, so to speak.

Not saying that my intention is to manipulate the person or situation, just using it to take advantage in carrying on with work on myself without STS distractions that I choose to avoid.

Hope that makes sense. :/
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Stellar--It does make sense. It has been very good to discuss this issue with you and FireShadow, as mature women, hopefully wiser for our experiences in noticing the societal/matrix pressures to stay in the program of compromising ourselves in goal-oriented STS sex! And, speaking for my hubby, he too is benefitted, of course.

D Rusak said:
FireShadow-

I'll be interested to hear your results with the book. I have the old version of the book (which I posted about quite some time ago) called Peace Between the Sheets. In theory a lot of it made sense (some of it was really out there and off base...) but I never had a chance to try out the techniques, as I do not have a sexual partner. It seemed interesting because there are "assignments", it seems like it would take a lot of the pressure off, as well as not aiming towards chemical-fix sex.
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Fireshadow, it just may be that this new way of relating will flow for both you and your hubby once you get a taste for it through a few 'assignments.' That right-brained, maiden of the well approach seems to work for my hubby and I. Even just a few minutes of affection, a kiss, a hug--touching, when we are rushed, makes the difference in my day.
 
I have finished reading "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" and found it to be amazing - quite a revelation for me. It explains so very much. It explains much regarding my personal experience both in my past and in my present.

Hubbie has not yet read it, although we have talked some. In my excitement over the new knowledge, I fear I have said too much to him (rather than just letting him read the book for himself first). And in doing so, I made the points that were relevant to me. I may have triggered some resistance in him. I have since explained that there are also points that may be relevant to him and that I hope he will read the book himself. We had a pretty good talk yesterday about this and he says he plans to read the book. I said that once he had read it, we could talk about it and decide together how we want to use the information.

We each seem to have a main point of resistance to practicing Karezza:

Mine - There is a strong resistance in me at this time to anything sexual. Keeping my mind open, I realize that my attitudes may change with the practice of Karezza and that I may feel differently. This triggers my resistance as there is a big part of myself that does not want to go there.

His - He admits to still being very attached to his orgasm-based sexuality and a belief that it is healthy for his prostate. The book cites studies that refute that, but it is a long held belief of his.

There are issues underlying these resistances but for the sake of privacy, I won't talk about them here. We have begun to identify them ourselves and talk about them, though. I think that if we can deal with those underlying issues, we will be able to dissolve much of the resistances in ourselves. Changing a way of being is not easy! I do think it would be worthwhile, however.

So, I am thinking we may need to go slowly and step by step - together.

Aaaaah, the challenge!

Edited typo.
 
FS-I have finished reading "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" and found it to be amazing - quite a revelation for me. It explains so very much. It explains much regarding my personal experience both in my past and in my present.
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You've piqued my curiosity FireShadow, so I may have to get the book! Would you mind sharing a little about what you found amazing and a revelation to you in the book, without impinging on your privacy, of course! I am just wondering if what you found amazing has anything to do with being a woman and feeling validated by the information in the book perhaps regarding your past intuitions and sensitivities, etc, re sex. :O
 
Thanks, Puzzle. I meant to come back and put a link in this thread to the book review I wrote, but I ran out of time...Hubby came home with the car and I had to run some errands. And, I am so forgetful these days!

The book review explains my impressions/understandings in a broader/societal sense.

On a personal level though, it is difficult to put into words the specifics...but I will try.

The book describes two biological programs in humans:

The Mating program and The Bonding program.

It seems that the mating program is designed to spread our genes far and wide, creating satiety and driving partners to move on after a period of time (varies per individual from one night to two years). Typically, the male becomes less interested in affection and the female becomes disillusioned...(can be the reverse as well). The dopamine "slump" creates feelings/perceptions of scarcity and need.

Add these factors to my "issues" of abandonment and feelings of not being loved that I developed during a dysfunctional/abusive childhood, I can now see why it was so very hard for me to work through these issues in my past. The biology seemed to have intensely exacerbated my emotional issues. I do wish I had known then what I know now! But, at least I do have the information now - better late than never.

It also provides a good explanation of some of my feelings now in a more general sense - that we are biologically wired to "move on", that some of my feelings may be a product of that wiring. It may explain why Hubby and I did so well for so very long in spite of this mating program - we also do a lot of bonding behaviors like hugging, kisses good night, hand holding, doing small favors for each other, etc. These behaviors seem to offset the mating program to a degree.

I have not ruled out hormones (nearing menopause), but I can see that perhaps this mating program exacerbates the condition...I will have to wait and see how this plays out once we are able to practice a little Karezza to see if this hypothesis holds true, though.

In general, reading this book pulled together a lot of other threads of knowledge I had acquired over the years - it was like a key that made sense of so much else and deepened my understanding of so many things.
 
Add these factors to my "issues" of abandonment and feelings of not being loved that I developed during a dysfunctional/abusive childhood, I can now see why it was so very hard for me to work through these issues in my past. The biology seemed to have intensely exacerbated my emotional issues. I do wish I had known then what I know now! But, at least I do have the information now - better late than never.

It also provides a good explanation of some of my feelings now in a more general sense - that we are biologically wired to "move on", that some of my feelings may be a product of that wiring. It may explain why Hubby and I did so well for so very long in spite of this mating program - we also do a lot of bonding behaviors like hugging, kisses good night, hand holding, doing small favors for each other, etc. These behaviors seem to offset the mating program to a degree.
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I have the book on order! I resonate with what you have said even without the book.
It seems that right from the get-go, hubby and I did not have stellar mating behaviors! We did seem to know that there was a deep connection at a soul level, and we had a lot of bonding behaviors, like you and your hubby, though we thought for a long time that we had to improve on our sex life (mating behaviors)--as if something was wrong with us! It could even be that as you said, the bonding behaviors do offset the mating program...for some to a higher degree than others depending on our programming. I don't know if this is the same with you, but before I met hubby, I had lovers with whom the mating behaviors were 'stellar', and then of course I moved on. Now I see that I was never meant to move on (the mating behavior program you mentioned) or away from my husband, but in the earlier years I sure was confused. Like you said, I wish I had known all this back then! What a waste of precious energy it was to worry about it so much back then.

The thread on Cupid's Arrow was very insightful for me as well as Dabrowski's explanations of sex at different levels of development. The latter validated what feels natural to me...no need for sex/mating behaviors--bonding behaviors are enough--at least I know why that is now.
I may be off here, but maybe this is the process you are going through as well. :love:
 
SolarMother said:
Add these factors to my "issues" of abandonment and feelings of not being loved that I developed during a dysfunctional/abusive childhood, I can now see why it was so very hard for me to work through these issues in my past. The biology seemed to have intensely exacerbated my emotional issues. I do wish I had known then what I know now! But, at least I do have the information now - better late than never.

It also provides a good explanation of some of my feelings now in a more general sense - that we are biologically wired to "move on", that some of my feelings may be a product of that wiring. It may explain why Hubby and I did so well for so very long in spite of this mating program - we also do a lot of bonding behaviors like hugging, kisses good night, hand holding, doing small favors for each other, etc. These behaviors seem to offset the mating program to a degree.
Click to expand...

I have the book on order! I resonate with what you have said even without the book.
It seems that right from the get-go, hubby and I did not have stellar mating behaviors! We did seem to know that there was a deep connection at a soul level, and we had a lot of bonding behaviors, like you and your hubby, though we thought for a long time that we had to improve on our sex life (mating behaviors)--as if something was wrong with us! It could even be that as you said, the bonding behaviors do offset the mating program...for some to a higher degree than others depending on our programming. I don't know if this is the same with you, but before I met hubby, I had lovers with whom the mating behaviors were 'stellar', and then of course I moved on. Now I see that I was never meant to move on (the mating behavior program you mentioned) or away from my husband, but in the earlier years I sure was confused. Like you said, I wish I had known all this back then! What a waste of precious energy it was to worry about it so much back then.

The thread on Cupid's Arrow was very insightful for me as well as Dabrowski's explanations of sex at different levels of development. The latter validated what feels natural to me...no need for sex/mating behaviors--bonding behaviors are enough--at least I know why that is now.
I may be off here, but maybe this is the process you are going through as well. :love:
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Makes sense. You may be right that this is the process I am going through. I am excited to be finding some answers, looking forward to getting "unstuck" (in spite of my resistances)!

The author mentions that yes, everyone has different sensitivities with some more sensitive than others to the neurochemistry...combine that with whatever emotional programs we have developed, tempered by whatever self-awareness we have attained and the degree of bonding behaviors engaged...hmmm.

Explains why relationships begun with stellar sex (without substantial bonding behaviors) often end up "on the rocks" after only a couple of years. (I had those kinds of relationships as well.)

I have been meaning to read some of Dobrowski's work as I have seen various references to his work here on the forum and am very interested. I have just not gotten around to his work yet - so much to read and learn! I think I will bump him up the list and try to find some of his work very soon. (currently working on Cleckley's "Caricature of Love" as referenced on thread "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" book review).

All pieces of the puzzle, and I love detective work!
 
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