No Longer Interested in Sex

[FireShadow]

Thanks to everyone for their input. Many interesting angles from which to look at this issue!

Last night, I wrote up a long reply on Wordpad and decided to save it until today. I wanted to "sit on it" for awhile.

As I was falling asleep, I realized the crux of the issue for me was this:

My loss of sex drive does not seem to be completely physiological - my body does respond and occasionally I feel a physical urge (usually small but there).

It seems to be more attitudinal for me. I just don't want sex and I don't really want my drive back. Actually it is a relief to be free of it.

I am thinking that my anger at the ads is more about the thought that if my lack of drive means there is something wrong with me, then I would feel obliged to fix it. And, I seem to be defending the idea that there is nothing wrong with me because I don't want to fix it.

I would like to think there is some esoteric reason, but I know that it is not because I am so enlightened/spiritual - I have much left to work on!

I do wonder however, that if it is normal/natural to lose the sex drive with age (especially for women), why must it be "fixed"?

I liked the idea from Odyssey that perhaps I have just finished my lessons in sex and can now move on to work on other subjects/topics. (I certainly did plenty of experimentation when I was "active"! LOL I explored much and learned much.)

Quick question FireShadow: are you saying that the idea of being physically intimate with your husband repulses you?

It is not so much the idea of sex with my husband that repulses me, but the idea of sex with anyone that repulses. The whole idea of sex seems so "base" and "tiresome". I find myself turned off to all the sexuality in the movies and music as well. Am I turning into a prude? I hope not. I think that I may be responding to the feeling of being "bombarded" with messages I do not want. I tend to get more resistant the more I am "pressured" into something and society does indeed seem to be pressuring everyone to be sexual. My current attitude came as a surprise to me as I used to "revel" in sexuality.

The problem is that my husband does still want sex and I love him. With my resistance to the idea, I have to work around my attitudes and get my mind "into" it in order to "get myself in the mood" so to speak. My worry is what this will do to the relationship.

 

[Buddy]

I think any worrying, guilt, and basically running thought loops about it is the actual misuse of sexual energy.
...
Apparently, from the links below, orgasms basically give you a superdose of hormones that result in a "crash" that can make people irritable and off balance for up to two weeks as your body regains its equilibrium.

I agree 100% with your post and I would like to offer this:
Consider these psychological studies in terms of the reciprocal nature of reality (i.e. feedback loops). This kind of "crash" might be caused by the 'superdose of hormones' OR this 'superdose of hormones' (which lead to their effects) might be after-the-fact effects of engaging in something that is unhealthy or undesirable to YOU - in terms of your own sexual value system which, I am positing to be slightly different per individual (and subject to change over time) due to variances in lesson and/or personality profiles.

The only reason I even know about this is through recapping previous relationships and noting one in particular which seemed perfect for me due to incredibly strong chemical/hormonal attractions that made me feel like a hedonistic animal.

The more my sexual urge built, the more 'perfect' the person seemed. After sex, though, I would be occupied with a bit of guilt and self-loathing that would last awhile (the crash?) and I never quite figured out why at the time. For me, that particular relationship turned out to be very pathological and almost cost me my life, during an argument, if I hadn't seen a particular something coming, but to make a long story short, hindsight revealed that the deeper emotional part of me always knew this person was very bad for me.

Of course, this is just my story, FireShadow, and not necessarily related to you, so please just consider it fwiw. I'm not pointing to the possibility of being in a 'bad' relationship, only to the possibility of having unconscious, unresolved inner conflicts with outer behavior and/or towards the person with whom you are involved.



--------------------------------
Edit: for clarity and Added:

It sounds to me you are resisting having your whole being involved in this act, and something about the ads simply remind you of this fact, although I could be off.

 

[Mrs.Tigersoap]

Maybe I'm totally off but in some cases, lack of libido may also have to do with diet. What is your diet like? Are you getting all the vitamins, minerals, etc. that you need? Thyroid dysfunction, hormonal problems, adrenal fatigue, etc. may result in a decrease in the sex drive, for example.

Just thought I would mention it, just in case, anyway.

 

[ScioAgapeOmnis]

Maybe I'm totally off but in some cases, lack of libido may also have to do with diet. What is your diet like? Are you getting all the vitamins, minerals, etc. that you need? Thyroid dysfunction, hormonal problems, adrenal fatigue, etc. may result in a decrease in the sex drive, for example.

Just thought I would mention it, just in case, anyway.

Also, are you doing EE? If there are any hidden emotional issues, that should help bring them to the forefront. If the answer isn't diet or deep-seated emotions, then it's probably just an age thing, or just something that makes sense to your mind - different strokes for different folks. I think it's important to look into the "bad" possibilities just in case though - to make sure that you're not experiencing a symptom of something unhealthy. If you're taking any meds, lack of libido is a side effect of many drugs, and also it can happen if you're depressed (which can be hormonal/chemical or purely psychological), so that's something to consider.

Typically having a sex drive is a "good thing" because it's a natural part of a healthy human being. However, I'm pretty sure it also naturally diminishes with age, and perhaps the extent of this is different for men and women - and may even differ from person to person. But just as a sneeze can mean you have the flu or a feather tickling your nose, it's best to err on the side of caution and look into it to make sure it's not a symptom of something not so benign.

Last but not least, try to be as honest and open as you can with your hubby about this if you're not already, unless you feel that that would cause a problem, of course, but then that means the relationship is unhealthy and might be why you feel the way you do. The more he knows about how you really feel, the more he can accommodate. It's good that you're trying to be externally considerate to his needs, but he should also be aware of your needs or lack thereof, and it should be a mutual compromise based on deep understanding of one another, which means constant and honest communication.

 

[shijing]

There's some good advice in the article below on masturbation: find out what works FOR YOU. It's like the diet: unique for each individual. Overdoing it or underdoing it may not be healthy.

This is just kind of an aside, and specifically man-related (sorry for the detour, FireShadow!), but this reminded me of something I read in a Dr. Mercola article a few days ago:

Research has shown sexual activity and a high ejaculation frequency are linked to better prostate health later in life. Helps support the body's natural detoxification functions. Frequent ejaculation may help act as one of your body's natural detoxification functions for your prostate glands.

Detox, detox, everywhere...

 

[Risen]

It is not so much the idea of sex with my husband that repulses me, but the idea of sex with anyone that repulses. The whole idea of sex seems so "base" and "tiresome". I find myself turned off to all the sexuality in the movies and music as well. Am I turning into a prude? I hope not. I think that I may be responding to the feeling of being "bombarded" with messages I do not want. I tend to get more resistant the more I am "pressured" into something and society does indeed seem to be pressuring everyone to be sexual. My current attitude came as a surprise to me as I used to "revel" in sexuality.

The problem is that my husband does still want sex and I love him. With my resistance to the idea, I have to work around my attitudes and get my mind "into" it in order to "get myself in the mood" so to speak. My worry is what this will do to the relationship.

Since one's current sexual expression belongs to false personality (unless one is already "man #4"). It is safe to assume that as we develop a real personality our sexual desires and impulses might change. It could be more or less interest and drive and/or interest in different situations or partners or even sexual orientation. What will it do to a relationship if one agrees to have sexual relations when they feel repulsed or artificially "get in the mood"? Probably cause friction which could be what a relationship needs in order to grow and change or end. Love does not demand sex, ever. The relationship could end, change to friendship , or you could work this out and eventually you may enjoy/desire sex again. I do not think it is a good idea in the long run to "fake it" or force yourself to do something that repulses you because you love someone.
I agree that the sexual images we are forced to encounter everywhere we go are a part of the problem but that could be a topic all it's own. Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[luke wilson]

Uhmm, I dont have much to add to this, except this:

As for efforts at suppressing lies to oneself, they entail quite different and important consequences. Such lies grow deep roots. In this domain, paradoxical situations sometimes arise, some of them of such psychological subtlety that it is difficult to draw them out of the shade. It is enough to mention the question of marriages where one of the partners, having realized that this union is an error, persists in trying to convince himself of the contrary. If he is of an affectionate nature, he will redouble his amiability towards his partner as if truly toward his polar being. The absurdity of the situation reaches its limits if the other partner reacts by adopting a corresponding attitude — without truly feeling any sincere or spontaneous glow of tenderness. This true 'play of love' is evidently to the greatest profit of the General Law. The danger from the esoteric point of view is that, by mere force of habit, such a situation takes on for one of the partners, or even for both of them, the value of true love. This kind of lying to oneself can go on for dozens of years with people who are amiable and of good faith, and they entail tragic disillusions in the end.

Uhmm, just like opossum said. Shouldnt lie to oneself because then ones goes deeper and deeper into what one is trying to escape.

Maybe your current view to sex right now is due to guilt of your promiscuous past? Somekind of balancing act?? I used to have so much sex before, now I have had enough of it and to be honest, the whole idea just repulses me... It is like swinging from one extreme to another. Maybe there are some underlying mental things at play as opposed to spiritual development being the primary driver of the changed views?

Could be a combination of alot of things... Age, guilt, a desire to correct what now is perceived as mistakes of the past, spiritual development, a desire for spiritual development???

I think it boils down to being honest and sincere with oneself...

Also, the whole thing about the differences in views towards it you and your husband have and the view of society that you mention:

A child whose mother has forbidden him to eat a cake starts building up more and more considerations to justify him eating that cake... instead of simply feeling guilty and combatting his rapacious appetite. This avid hunger that is heightened by interdiction is the Serpent of Genesis. It leads to complex self-justifications, formed from a whirling flow of dualistic evaluations which divide the world into compartmented regions of good and evil. For example, he may say to himself: 'my mother is afraid I shall fall sick, but I won't. True,' he might continue, 'when my sister ate the cake behind my mother's back, she got diarrhoea — but she had eaten too much, I won't. My mother told me that this is the only remaining cake, kept for my older brother, but I know she hides a lot from us, so why not eat'.
Comment:
There can be other interwoven justifications for our greed. They become elaborated into a vast system of dualities built on incorrect evaluation of good and bad circumstances. This is what is called 'eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,' the tree of the agnostic intellect; this is the part of the mind which so easily finds 50% for and 50% against and by this indecision releases our greed and our rapacity. From this compounding of misconceptions comes mental darkness. Set against this, repentance is an act of Consciousness, and consciousness is Light. To be conscious of something is to put that thing inside the light of awareness. 'And what comes to light' says St Paul very profoundly, 'vanishes and is absorbed in the light.' This is the theory and practice
of the forgiveness of these errors of conception that we call sin. What is it that prevents the case described above from becoming conscious
and aware of the accumulated errors of conception which utterly blind him to the light? Sins, blindness, light and consciousness are the terms that come naturally when we discuss the subject we are facing now. Simply, before everything else, what prevents this man seeing himself is the fact that he will have to abandon all the proud illusions he had about himself: he is not always right as he believed. It would be better to say he has never been right. Since childhood he has replaced his child's purity by his dualistic thought, branching and bifurcating thoughts endlessly so as to hide his simple animal avidity and his mischievous cunning, to get a cake: he was not the child of innocence that he believes he was, and which he describes to his friends and children.

Could it be, that you are using all the reasons about what society imposes and other stuff to build a case in your head to justify something or an excuse of some sort to hide guilt or other unwanted feelings or thoughts??

Might be a different angle to look at the problem.

I hope this helps.

 

[Iron]

I do wonder however, that if it is normal/natural to lose the sex drive with age (especially for women), why must it be "fixed"?

If it is health related, why not fix it?

It is not so much the idea of sex with my husband that repulses me, but the idea of sex with anyone that repulses. The whole idea of sex seems so "base" and "tiresome". I find myself turned off to all the sexuality in the movies and music as well. Am I turning into a prude? I hope not. I think that I may be responding to the feeling of being "bombarded" with messages I do not want. I tend to get more resistant the more I am "pressured" into something and society does indeed seem to be pressuring everyone to be sexual. My current attitude came as a surprise to me as I used to "revel" in sexuality.

So... its possible that you are purely in mechanical reaction mode? just reacting to a program of yours of resisting if you feel pressured to do someting?

The problem is that my husband does still want sex and I love him. With my resistance to the idea, I have to work around my attitudes and get my mind "into" it in order to "get myself in the mood" so to speak. My worry is what this will do to the relationship.

It looks like its a chore for you to be intimate with him. My guess is that at some point he will sense that its a chore for you to be intimate with him.

So, like others have said, it is something that perhaps would be wise to openly discuss with him.

 

[shijing]

Hi FireShadow --

My loss of sex drive does not seem to be completely physiological - my body does respond and occasionally I feel a physical urge (usually small but there).

It seems to be more attitudinal for me. I just don't want sex and I don't really want my drive back. Actually it is a relief to be free of it.

Based on what you said earlier, this seems to be getting close to hitting home, and although physical changes and upkeep can play a part in all of this, there is a large emotional component. I've thought about this, because I've gone through something similar in terms of the reduction of my sex drive, and for me it doesn't seem to be physiological (although, like Mrs Peel said, I don't think it's indicative of the fact that I'm "spiritual" in any particular way) -- it's part of what motivated a post of mine from last year:

The act of sex itself is not the only stumbling block either -- there are a cluster of STS-related thought patterns that are augmented by our enculturation, such as 'I'm not getting the sex I'm entitled to', 'other people are having it more than me', 'I need more variety to be satisfied', etc. Quite honestly, I think that not a few men would feel relief at the reduction of their sex drive in favor of more spiritual pursuits (at least after-the-fact), since the sex drive gets people into so much trouble and wastes so much energy that could be spent on other things.

...although I've since changed my mind about part of what I've written there and my thinking is more in line with Approaching Infinity now. Your post reminded me of it, though, because of what you said about feeling free.

I liked the idea from Odyssey that perhaps I have just finished my lessons in sex and can now move on to work on other subjects/topics. (I certainly did plenty of experimentation when I was "active"! LOL I explored much and learned much.)

I liked Odyssey's suggestion too -- although it means that if you're done with those lessons, you're now on to new ones in terms of how you deal with this in your present relationship.

It is not so much the idea of sex with my husband that repulses me, but the idea of sex with anyone that repulses. The whole idea of sex seems so "base" and "tiresome". I find myself turned off to all the sexuality in the movies and music as well. Am I turning into a prude? I hope not. I think that I may be responding to the feeling of being "bombarded" with messages I do not want. I tend to get more resistant the more I am "pressured" into something and society does indeed seem to be pressuring everyone to be sexual. My current attitude came as a surprise to me as I used to "revel" in sexuality.

The problem is that my husband does still want sex and I love him. With my resistance to the idea, I have to work around my attitudes and get my mind "into" it in order to "get myself in the mood" so to speak. My worry is what this will do to the relationship.

I'm trying to think about how to say this without being either too direct or too obscure -- one of the things I thought when I read this was that there are various ways to be sexual, and it doesn't have to be "traditional". When you talk about getting yourself "in the mood", does that refer specifically to "traditional" sex, or is it the case with anything sexual across-the-board? The other question, of course, is how flexible your husband is with that too.

As for efforts at suppressing lies to oneself, they entail quite different and important consequences. Such lies grow deep roots. In this domain, paradoxical situations sometimes arise, some of them of such psychological subtlety that it is difficult to draw them out of the shade. It is enough to mention the question of marriages where one of the partners, having realized that this union is an error, persists in trying to convince himself of the contrary. If he is of an affectionate nature, he will redouble his amiability towards his partner as if truly toward his polar being. The absurdity of the situation reaches its limits if the other partner reacts by adopting a corresponding attitude — without truly feeling any sincere or spontaneous glow of tenderness. This true 'play of love' is evidently to the greatest profit of the General Law. The danger from the esoteric point of view is that, by mere force of habit, such a situation takes on for one of the partners, or even for both of them, the value of true love. This kind of lying to oneself can go on for dozens of years with people who are amiable and of good faith, and they entail tragic disillusions in the end.

This is a great quote and can certainly explain reasons for this kind of mismatch, but the only thing about this is that FireShadow has indicated that she is generally happy with her relationship. Based on what she's written, she seems to genuinely love her husband, and is concerned about meeting his needs -- and if that is indeed the case, then it might not be necessary to second-guess things there. Only FireShadow can know that for sure, of course.

So, like others have said, it is something that perhaps would be wise to openly discuss with him.

This does seem to be the most important thing right now -- have you been successful in discussing this, and if so, has your husband been receptive to what you've tried to explain?

 

[Aiming]

It looks like its a chore for you to be intimate with him. My guess is that at some point he will sense that its a chore for you to be intimate with him.

So, like others have said, it is something that perhaps would be wise to openly discuss with him.

I agree, FireShadow. When reading your descriptions I was reminded of my own experience with this, though I am not saying mine is in any way similar to yours, just fwiw.

In my last relationship I also pretty completely lost my libido quite a few months before I ended it. I didn't even think of sex and was honestly taken aback when my then boyfriend started complaining about it. I did explain to him that my interests were elsewhere, and that I myself didn't know why it would vanish like that. Well, he kept complaining and I eventually found myself in a similar position to you, thinking I had to be externally considerate. But really, I think it's totally backwards to be thinking "one has to, because it's something normal, and if it's not happening, the other is right in being frustrated" - or if those doing the work rationalizing it with "well, I'm just being externally considerate". This I think is an act against oneself, and also, as Laura has written it, if I'm bringing it into the right context here, just another form of raping the maiden of the well. Sex should be pleasure for both partners; if one -for whatever reason- does not truly want it, too, then why do it?

As the others have said, the causes can be manifold in each case, and finding out what's up seems the best way to go.

But I think it's essential to also have a close look at psychological issues, or even what Odyssey has suggested. It could be that something else is up and I agree with others that it should be discussed openly with your partner.
What I think could help in such a situation is putting oneself in the others' shoes: how would he feel if he knew you were just pretending it? Wouldn't he feel betrayed/let-down about you being dishonest with him about such an intimate thing?

 

[RyanX]

In my last relationship I also pretty completely lost my libido quite a few months before I ended it. I didn't even think of sex and was honestly taken aback when my then boyfriend started complaining about it. I did explain to him that my interests were elsewhere, and that I myself didn't know why it would vanish like that. Well, he kept complaining and I eventually found myself in a similar position to you, thinking I had to be externally considerate. But really, I think it's totally backwards to be thinking "one has to, because it's something normal, and if it's not happening, the other is right in being frustrated" - or if those doing the work rationalizing it with "well, I'm just being externally considerate". This I think is an act against oneself, and also, as Laura has written it, if I'm bringing it into the right context here, just another form of raping the maiden of the well. Sex should be pleasure for both partners; if one -for whatever reason- does not truly want it, too, then why do it?

I can understand where you're coming from, Puzzle. In some relationships there is so much emotional feeding that the act of sex becomes just another part of the game, and over time it just seems repulsive. One feels as if they are giving themselves away as food in this situation.

But I think it is also important to consider that continuing to play this game (i.e. withholding sex), is just another part of the feeding game when you're in a relationship. If the relationship has devolved to that point, the externally considerate thing to do would probably be to end it instead of stringing the other partner along and withholding sex from them. This is how some cases of marital rape transpire, from what I've read. I don't think these situations are good for anybody, so it is probably best to call off the relationship before sex becomes just another weapon in the game.

FWIW.

 

[theos]

Here are some links on sex that I recently found that might be helpful. First of all, I think it's important to keep in mind what others have mentioned here, that there is nothing at all wrong with sex: sexual thoughts, feelings, desires, actions. They are a normal expression of the sex drive. I think any worrying, guilt, and basically running thought loops about it is the actual misuse of sexual energy. As for worrying about 4D STS and all that, perhaps it's better to take a practical approach? What works for you? Apparently, from the links below, orgasms basically give you a superdose of hormones that result in a "crash" that can make people irritable and off balance for up to two weeks as your body regains its equilibrium. (There was even an experiment that tested women's reactions to pictures of men in the period after of days after having an orgasm: those who had an orgasm found the pictures more aggressive than those who didn't.) There's some good advice in the article below on masturbation: find out what works FOR YOU. It's like the diet: unique for each individual. Overdoing it or underdoing it may not be healthy.

_http://www.reuniting.info/download/The%20Hidden%20Factor%20in%20Relationship%20Disharmony.swf
_http://www.reuniting.info/intoxicating_behaviors
_http://www.reuniting.info/node/4486
_http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201002/the-right-masturbation-advice

These are some really great links everyone should take a look at. Thanks AI. I'm working my way through this site right now and it's really eye-opening. We've been inundated with all these false beliefs about sex and how to keep the bond in a relationship as well as the "healthy-ness" of orgasms and ejacuation. Shijing, since you mentioned Mercola's article, you may want to read this for a counterargument _http://www.reuniting.info/ejaculation_how_often_for_good_health.

Reminds me of this session with the C's

Q: (L) The fellow who wrote the Ultimate Frontier, was he channeling that information or did those events he described actually take place?
A:Yes and yes.
Q: (L) Was he, in fact, the reincarnation of King David as he claimed?
A: If he prefers.
Q: (L) He lost me when he went off on his thing about women and that souls reincarnated as only one sex. (J) No, that's not so and I think switching sex has a lot to do with homosexuality. (L) Yes. (T) But I do think that a soul has a tendency to be more of one than the other.
A: No.
Q: (L) I think it ends up being balanced.
A: It is all just lessons.
Q: (J) Does the human state of sexuality, such as homosexuality, have something to do with changing sexes from one lifetime to another?
A: Sometimes.
Q: (L) Of all the modes of sexual expression, which one is more likely to advance one to 4th density more rapidly?
A: Total celibacy.
Q: (D) Well then I'm okay! [laughter] (V) Can you explain why total celibacy?
A: Because you are then "letting go" of the cravings for physicality.
Q: (T) It is a 3rd density act which entices you to 3rd density. (L) Okay, now, what is the second most likely for advancement? [laughter] (D) We have me taken care of, now we're going to get you taken care of! (J) In order of importance... [laughter]
A: Does it matter?
Q: (D) It does to Laura, would you please answer?(L) I suppose that everyone should get to the point that they would simply desire to be totally celibate and totally let go of all physical things and so forth, but, we have left to us, at this point, heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality and multisexuality [laughter] (D) We also have the ability to take pleasure in our physical bodies in those forms of sexuality. We have the ability to have pleasure in the flesh and they can't. And, what I have read, is that they envy that. (L) Isthat true, that you envy our physicality?
A: No. Not in the least!
Q: (L) I have read that when you are at the higher spiritual levels that you can do a spiritual merge which is better than orgasm. Is that true?
A: Whyd do you need and orgasm of any kind?
Q: (L) Well, it does seem to be like one of the penultimate experiences of physicality. (T) That's exactly it... it's physicality... (L) If that is so, isn't everything that exists in the physical, 3rd density world, in some way a reflection of experiences or states of being on higher realms?
A: 3rd density as you experience it is an illusion you have been fed to continue your imprisonment therein.
Q: (L) So, in other words, there is no cosmic orgasm that keeps the worlds in existence as exemplified by the eternally copulating Vishnu and Shiva?
A: That is Bull! [laughter]
Q: (L) Well, they teach this stuff in the Eastern religions and they even have the idols sculpted in this posture...
A: That is a rationalization to continue the illusion.
Q: (L) So, in other words, the orgasmic experience is quite literally a lure to keep us... (D) Controlled... (T) And in the third level... (L) Is that true?
A: Yes.
Q: (L) Let's go back to a question I asked in another session on this same subject: what happens to our energy at the point of orgasm? Where does that energy go?
A: Drains to 4th level STS.
Q: (T) Is this a manifestation of the Lizards feeding off of us?
A: STSers there retrieve it.
Q: (T) So, orgasm is a 3rd density manifestation of the 4th density consumption of 3rd density energy?
A: One of their methods.
Q: (D) In "Bringers of the Dawn" it talks about sex and it says that it is an expression of love and so forth and that you should not have sex with someone who does not really love you.
A: Love is all that is needed.
Q: (L) If two individuals, as an expression of true love at higher levels, desire to express this love in a physical way, is it possible to channel the energy in a positiveway withougt feeding the 4th level STS guys?
A: Nope.
Q: (L) In other words, no matter what you do, how you think, or whatever, that's where it goes?
A: Sex is a physical craving.

 

[SolarMother]

Fire Shadow,
I really know where you are coming from as the same lack of desire for sex has happened to me, over the years of my 50's...post menopausal was the final reckoning--a few years ago. I am in my late 50's.
So, I do resonate in that feeling of great relief, but it was a process.
All through menopause I felt confused and guilty due to the powerful sex programs put into me. A lot of them originate in narcissism and comparison of oneself with others.
I had to struggle through these programs about 'you should still want sex in your 50's...what's wrong with you??!! even though I don't watch TV or many movies.
My husband lost his desire before I did, and we had to eventually discuss rejection issues. I felt rejected initially--'what? you don't desire me anymore?' I had a lot of programming around that physical attraction thing.
My husband had some rejection issues as well, so I thought that he was rejecting me due to unconsciously feeling hurt as well as my aging process. We had to work through all of that first, over a period of a few months of talking about it when able to be objective. It takes time.
Eventually I realized just how relieved I was to be dumping the sex programs, and my husband agreed that he also felt vast relief. He had been feeling guilty for quite a while, seeing my suffering as a result of my believing something was very wrong with our relationship.
Eventually, I realized that my feelings of rejection were due to narcissistic programs as well. It was a process, and now, looking back, I feel that sex programming is very destructive to relationships. It can wreak havoc in intimate relationships, causing issues of distrust, hurt, guilt...a lot of draining for 4D STS!
These days if I see a movie with a sex scene, I see it as shallow, manipulative, repulsive and very 3D food for 4D. Its as if I can see right through the programming. I guess that in itself is showing me some amount of freedom. My 2c worth is that maybe you are in this process as well...deprogramming, and I hope this is helpful to you. Even in my younger years, I can now see that sex was never anything but draining and stressful...but I pretended to myself that it was wonderful.

 

[RyanX]

[quote author=AI]
_http://www.reuniting.info/download/The%20Hidden%20Factor%20in%20Relationship%20Disharmony.swf
_http://www.reuniting.info/intoxicating_behaviors
_http://www.reuniting.info/node/4486
_http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201002/the-right-masturbation-advice

These are some really great links everyone should take a look at. Thanks AI. I'm working my way through this site right now and it's really eye-opening. We've been inundated with all these false beliefs about sex and how to keep the bond in a relationship as well as the "healthy-ness" of orgasms and ejacuation. Shijing, since you mentioned Mercola's article, you may want to read this for a counterargument _http://www.reuniting.info/ejaculation_how_often_for_good_health.
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Yes, I wanted to mention this as well. Thanks for mentioning this website AI. I had read several of the articles on reuniting.info about a year ago and found them fascinating. It really changed my perspective and attitude toward sex.

I think the basic premise behind the website reuiniting.info site is that having orgasm driven sex generally leads to negative brain and behavior changes over the long and short term. The recommended way of having sex is to make it a drawn out romantic exchange with lots of cuddle time, touching, and then very slow movements during penetration without trying to achieve ejaculation or orgasm. They claim that this releases more oxytocin, which leads to many stabilizing effects in the brain and body, as opposed to the dopamine high from orgasm, which generally causes a negative 'withdrawal' effect. I'm not sure about the claim they make that this is somehow "sacred sex", but from a biochemical perspective, it sounds like an improvement.

You might want to read up on some of the articles here, Fireshadow. Have you ever tried changing the WAY you have sex? Maybe it would make a difference and bring you and your partner closer together...

 

[shijing]

Shijing, since you mentioned Mercola's article, you may want to read this for a counterargument _http://www.reuniting.info/ejaculation_how_often_for_good_health.

Thanks a lot, Odyssey -- that was a really good article. It covers a lot of bases, and complements the links AI put up -- we're getting a small library put together on this topic :) Mercola had me wondering, and there probably is something to his info about detoxing the prostate, but this does counterbalance the take-away message regarding frequency (which is fine by me).