Overdue apology

Fluffy

Fluffy

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
I want to take a moment to apologise, there are many things I need to address, first one and one I have most regret on being -not taking advice from people here on the forum who have only tried to help me with my addiction problems.

I've been very distant for a year or so, checking in only to see if anything sparks my subjective interest (like a new session) and making noisy, useless comments here and there, just being a leech really!

In the last year I've pretty much had my head constantly buried in my little and pathetic world of dissociation and escapism, same old problem I've had for 22 years, marijuana.
I had posted about this a year ago, received lots of support and guidance and then poof, just disappeared into the depths of my bong again like I had never emerged in the first place.

I have stopped smoking weed, I have been getting loud clear warnings since June last year that I'm on the verge of entering my soul into hotel California where it will be imprisoned and shackled and nothing I can do will bring it back. I was given a tour of the hell I've been creating for myself in an awake experience the last time I got stoned a few weeks ago and it frightened me so much I know I will never smoke it again.. I've never been so scared of anything. I thought I was impervious to human fear emotions of death til then! But I'm not, I seen my whole being annihilated, universe doesn't take kindly to someone not using information that they have!

I've been resisting writing this because I don't know what it means to me or any of you if I post it.. Just seems like more noise, I can't say for sure what I'll do about it, if I'll stay present, may be I'm only back because I've lost all my meaningless dope fuelled friendships and don't know where to turn to. I don't think that but I think lots of stuff that I don't believe so who knows!

I've wanted to post in the iodine/iodide thread as I've been following the protocol since January and been having some almighty experiences (lots I can't even remember because I wast bent to high hell for most of it) but I just feel like I'm being fake and hollow if I don't address this and act like nothing else has been going on..

Without knowing where anything is going to lead or what I wish to gain or give, I just want to say I'm truly sorry and deeply ashamed of my use and abuse of this forum and all you good people who spend seemingly tireless energy on helping others and unravelling our reality.
As inspiring and thought provoking as I find all the work that goes on here I honestly feel right now that I do not have what it takes to keep up. I'm sick to death of only having my small reality to draw upon and only ever can write anything that starts with 'I think/feel' or 'my experience' etc.. I've started to notice how much no one gives a shit about my little world and tiny opinions... It's like I'm on a mission on how to lose friends and non-influence people, everyone is sick if my lips moving- it's all about me!

It's likely that I'm just a bit of an idiot and have done irreversible damage to myself.

Again.. I'm sorry.. Really just another annoying and noisy post but I hope I can have a little bit of forgiveness anyhow.
 
Good to hear from you Fluffy. Never too late to start afresh. The iodine might have something to do with your sense of urgency.
 
Fluffy,

I don't think you are alone in feeling inadequate or how to be a "non-influence people" kind of person. I think we are all just learning from mistakes/lessons. You really don't owe me a personal apology at all but I thank you for caring enough about the forum to express your emotions and let us know that you still find value in what this forum means to most of us.

When you noticed "meaningless dope fuelled friendships" I can relate to the general problem many may have when trying to relate to others only in a "dissociated" state. It is the reality we have difficulty tuning into for ourselves and coping. If we don't have others who are like-minded in wanting to know the true reality I don't think we can really even survive.

So from my point of view I don't think you will go to hell since "all there is is lessons". It is for me just how many times do I want to repeat 3rd grade (I really don't think I want to).

Hang in there. I think things can only get better if you keep sharing your thoughts with others on the path so to speak. :)
 
Fluffy said:
I want to take a moment to apologise, there are many things I need to address, first one and one I have most regret on being -not taking advice from people here on the forum who have only tried to help me with my addiction problems.

I've been very distant for a year or so, checking in only to see if anything sparks my subjective interest (like a new session) and making noisy, useless comments here and there, just being a leech really!

In the last year I've pretty much had my head constantly buried in my little and pathetic world of dissociation and escapism, same old problem I've had for 22 years, marijuana.
I had posted about this a year ago, received lots of support and guidance and then poof, just disappeared into the depths of my bong again like I had never emerged in the first place.

I have stopped smoking weed, I have been getting loud clear warnings since June last year that I'm on the verge of entering my soul into hotel California where it will be imprisoned and shackled and nothing I can do will bring it back. I was given a tour of the hell I've been creating for myself in an awake experience the last time I got stoned a few weeks ago and it frightened me so much I know I will never smoke it again.. I've never been so scared of anything. I thought I was impervious to human fear emotions of death til then! But I'm not, I seen my whole being annihilated, universe doesn't take kindly to someone not using information that they have!

I've been resisting writing this because I don't know what it means to me or any of you if I post it.. Just seems like more noise, I can't say for sure what I'll do about it, if I'll stay present, may be I'm only back because I've lost all my meaningless dope fuelled friendships and don't know where to turn to. I don't think that but I think lots of stuff that I don't believe so who knows!

I've wanted to post in the iodine/iodide thread as I've been following the protocol since January and been having some almighty experiences (lots I can't even remember because I wast bent to high hell for most of it) but I just feel like I'm being fake and hollow if I don't address this and act like nothing else has been going on..

Without knowing where anything is going to lead or what I wish to gain or give, I just want to say I'm truly sorry and deeply ashamed of my use and abuse of this forum and all you good people who spend seemingly tireless energy on helping others and unravelling our reality.
As inspiring and thought provoking as I find all the work that goes on here I honestly feel right now that I do not have what it takes to keep up. I'm sick to death of only having my small reality to draw upon and only ever can write anything that starts with 'I think/feel' or 'my experience' etc.. I've started to notice how much no one gives a shit about my little world and tiny opinions... It's like I'm on a mission on how to lose friends and non-influence people, everyone is sick if my lips moving- it's all about me!

It's likely that I'm just a bit of an idiot and have done irreversible damage to myself.

Again.. I'm sorry.. Really just another annoying and noisy post but I hope I can have a little bit of forgiveness anyhow.
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Hey Fluffy, a lot of what you have written, i could mistake for myself only some time ago. As i have begun to work on my diet, health etc. Its difficult to get away from the hook of marijuana and like me, i feel i sabotaged my friendships with the people in my life who did smoke so as to give myself a chance. Its probably a bad way to go about it, but better no friends then the wrong friends, or so i have found. Its a long process, and will be longer then we think no doubt. But if you truly want this, you will make small efforts each day and it will become easier.

Your world is only as small as you make it and this small step, in sharing your predicament, is broadening that world.

Narcissism is far worse when we realize we are exactly that but its a good step and its important to remind yourself of this. I know it hit me so very hard when i identified it in myself. Just gotta keep reading, keep observing and pushing in that right direction. If you want to do it, you can :)
 
Hi Fluffy,

A lot of us have been in your shoes and sharing your story and experiences is helpful to people whether they come right out and tell you or not. At the very least you are helping yourself and there is nothing wrong with that.

I found this video very helpful when I was trying to quit. Here's a description:
With the increasing popularity of medical marijuana, more and more people are choosing to smoke pot on a regular basis. In this video, Dr. Malcolm Smith, a naturopathic physician uncovers the disturbing secondary actions of cannabis of which most people are not aware. Increased anxiety, sleeplessness, lack of motivation, and a disconnection from one's spiritual nature are just a few of the ways marijuana may negatively impact those who use it.
Click to expand...

Here's a quote that might steel your resolve.

"According to the Great Work, a friend is one in which you support and encourage the other's expansion in either the mind or the spirit. Otherwise they are people you are sentimentally attached to it because they would eat cinnamon bun with you. And they will say 'hee, hee, hee' aren't we having fun!". Drug addicts do the same thing. Drug addicts want to be around people who will support them and be away from real friends. Do you know why? Because it feels good. To be a member of a mystery school can be catastrophic to the ego and to the ego's habits and to the propensity for mediocrity. No one ever cried striving for excellence. They only cried when their mediocrity was taken away from them and pointed out to them." - Jerhoam
Click to expand...

So don't worry about losing your 'cinnamon bun' friends. By taking this step you are opening yourself up to new and deeper relationships with people.
 
Fluffy said:
I thought I was impervious to human fear emotions of death til then! But I'm not, I seen my whole being annihilated, universe doesn't take kindly to someone not using information that they have!
Click to expand...

Interesting way to put it! My interpretation is different but leads to the same place: when something happens and you bump into life at a point of pure awareness or conscience, it can or it will disintegrate what's fake in you (what's faking you). Welcome back. :)
 
Fluffy said:
I've been resisting writing this because I don't know what it means to me or any of you if I post it.. Just seems like more noise, I can't say for sure what I'll do about it, if I'll stay present, may be I'm only back because I've lost all my meaningless dope fuelled friendships and don't know where to turn to. I don't think that but I think lots of stuff that I don't believe so who knows!
Click to expand...

In response to this I want to (once again) share this brilliant quote Joe posted on this thread:

Remember: Oppression thrives off isolation. Connection is the only thing that can save you.

Remember: Oppression thrives on superficiality. Honesty about your struggles is the key to your liberation.

Remember: Your story can help save someone's life. Your silence contributes to someone else's struggle. Speak so we all can be free. Love so we all can be liberated. The moment is now. We need you.
Click to expand...

Sharing your struggles and honestly wanting to change is the opposite of noise - it is one of the most meaningful actions, and a central point of the forum. Not only does it provide you a platform where you can receive feedback to help you take steps towards changing, it serves an equally important purpose of showing others they are not alone in their own struggles, that others besides them go through similar hardships, addictions, self-doubts, setbacks, etc.

You are certainly not the only person on this forum dealing with a pot addiction, and you are not alone in your feelings about it. I quit last December - before that I've quit a few times and always regressed, but after enough shocks to my system in the form of feedback from others, self-observation, and dreams, I was finally able to kick the habit and now I've gone longer than I've ever gone without it since I started smoking. And this time around it's different than the last times I quit - I hardly even think about it anymore, and with a new job, reading, writing, spending time with those I love, I honestly don't even have time to think about it anymore.

I'm sure if you dig around the forum you will find many other examples of this same issue and other forms of addiction.

Hang in there, buddy! You have our support. If I can do it, so can you. :)
 
I agree with others, Fluffy.

Maybe Jonathan's thread on the subject can help, when you read about this struggles and how he has changed and his life improved since then. I know you've said you've quit, but perhaps it will give you some ideas on how to deal with life right now.

The realizations you have had are the ones we sometimes need to do something different and stop things just "happening" to us. So, they are not a waste, and now you can do something about it if you want to.

Fluffy said:
As inspiring and thought provoking as I find all the work that goes on here I honestly feel right now that I do not have what it takes to keep up. I'm sick to death of only having my small reality to draw upon and only ever can write anything that starts with 'I think/feel' or 'my experience' etc.. I've started to notice how much no one gives a shit about my little world and tiny opinions... It's like I'm on a mission on how to lose friends and non-influence people, everyone is sick if my lips moving- it's all about me!
Click to expand...

IMO, there's a contradiction between the first sentence in the paragraph above and the rest. If you are sick of it, then you DO have what it takes. Or rather, only now can you prove yourself whether you do or you don't. And you can only know that once you have tried and can honestly say you have done your very best, one way or another. So, it's not too late, and you haven't disappointed anyone here. But you CAN be a part of this is you want to, now. Step by step.
 
Hey Fluffy, many good points others have posted here for you to consider. :)

I can't say that quitting pot was "the best thing that ever happened to me" or anything that dramatic, but it WAS significant. It changed a lot of things for me. Some objectively for the better and some subjectively for the worse (depending on how you look at it, I have to deal with my emotions now. :P)

There are certainly days that "I" (or rather my personality) misses it, but then I do my best to remember the reasons that I quit and that helps a lot. My lungs are cleaner, I can think better, I don't space out nearly as often, I don't smell like it in public places, I'm not spending as much money, etc. etc...

However, that's all personal for me. What YOU need to do is figure out your own reasons and be clear with yourself about them. Write them down on note cards if need be and post them by your computer, kitchen sink, or wherever you spend a lot of time.

I CAN tell you it gets easier. The first few months were the hardest for me, but I really don't think about it that much any more, and if I do it's usually in stressful times where other more effective methods can be employed.

All in all, my quality of life is better. I had to give up a few relationships that were solely based on smoking together, but since that was the basis they just kind of melted away, and there's no hard feelings on either side.

I hope you're able to stick with your resolution. But always remember, if you do happen to smoke at some point, don't beat yourself up about it. Forgive yourself, review your reasons for quitting, perhaps post here about it, and move on. It does no good to dwell in guilt and shame during this kind of process. And review the Gabor Mate material regarding addiction (there's a lot on youtube) - it's quite powerful.

Fluffy said:
As inspiring and thought provoking as I find all the work that goes on here I honestly feel right now that I do not have what it takes to keep up. I'm sick to death of only having my small reality to draw upon and only ever can write anything that starts with 'I think/feel' or 'my experience' etc.. I've started to notice how much no one gives a shit about my little world and tiny opinions... It's like I'm on a mission on how to lose friends and non-influence people, everyone is sick if my lips moving- it's all about me!
Click to expand...

What Chu says above in response to this quote I think is correct. It's a little contradictory - you DO have what it takes, by virtue of the fact that it's eating away at you. It does take some effort though. Also, the "I think / I feel" is ultimately all anyone has to start a discussion with - aside from the obvious historical or scientific data, etc. We speak from personal experience, and yours is just as valuable as anyone else's.

Yeah, ultimately, the universe doesn't give a shit about us individually, we're really quite tiny in the grand scheme. But on the other hand it doesn't do yourself or anyone else any good to just go into a fetal position and mutter "it's all pointless." We're here to learn, and to experience. Now, you're just in a different part of your experience than you were in before.

You're learning about your machine, your mind, and much more I'm sure. So while nobody expects you to be totally joyful and gung-ho every single day, I would still encourage you to embrace the lessons your life has presented to you at this point.

Sometimes it sucks, sometimes it doesn't, but it's never boring if you look at it the right way.

Hang in there!

EDIT:

Just wanted to add this. My experience was, I think, very close to yours. I became plagued with this constant idea - "You just gotta quit, gotta quit, gotta quit" - until eventually it became impossible to ignore. I've since formed the opinion that this was a sort of communication from myself which needed to be heard. If you had something similar to that, I think it's great that you paid attention to that little voice and followed through on the desire to change.

I don't want to try to determine what your experience will be, but from my own experience, you can expect some depression, some confusion of emotion, and some lack of clarity for a little while. It'll be hard to process the emotions that come up without just getting stoned. But as I said earlier in this post, it DOES get easier, you just have to hang in there, and use tools like Eiriu Eolas, supplementation, exercise, etc. to deal with it.

Try your best to see pot for what it was for you - what I mean is, you'll probably be compelled to remember it as something cool, something you loved, something that was dear to you - and it may have been, but that was a different part of your personality than the one that is surfacing now. To respect your full being and experience, you must force yourself to remember all aspects of it, including the thoughts and ideas that brought you to the point of quitting. That was the biggest struggle for me - just remembering the reasons why I quit.

Anyway, just wanted to add those few things. I hope you're able to come through this. :)
 
I believe you should use this event in your favor, i can't tell you how many times i've fallen into old, destructive habits, some i kicked , some i conquered and some remain, but little steps are big steps to move in the direction that you want. Your cumulative efforts should be for you to push forward. and every effort counts.

Take the steps you need , no one is rushing you here to wake up perfect, but to make this experience a tool for your growth.

Rid yourself of self judgement and replace it with will to pull through.
It is great you came forward. :)
 
People above have given you some good words of advise, Fluffy. I've not much to add other than saying that it was courageous for you to share this - to open up, and people hear you and have in their own ways felt the same or similar for many reasons. As was said, all is lessons, so be kind to yourself!

:hug:
 
Oh wow, what a response I've recieved.
I'm feeling rather numb and having trouble processing it all right now, I've had a virus since a few days after I stopped smoking two weeks ago and before that when I stopped everyday usage on first of March I was just an emotional and nervous wreck causing all kinds of problems and struggling not to flip my lid about the tiniest things...
Right now I'm just responding to say thank you, I need a lot more time to think things over, I don't really know how I feel at all... I'm fairly unwell with this bug I have, same one I got when I quit last year for a month, I feel terrible, my diet is terrible too, I just want to comfort eat. I know the sugar isn't helping me at all but I'm sad and sick and so are my children and I feel like it's all just a bit too much without my usual hidey hole to run into and close the lid. My diet was pretty good up until I stopped smoking, I was exercising even though I was bent around the clock and I never got sick
At night my dreams are so detailed and intense that even though I'm asleep for 8 hours I wake up mentally exhausted from them and physically exhausted from the load my body is under. My resting heart rate is rarely below 100.
I'll just give an overview of what supps I'm taking and if anyone has anything to add or suggest I change then that might be a good place for me to start while I can't seem to get anything else together (I've always been terrible at expecting everything from myself NOW and not allowing myself room to breathe so taking it slow and going easy on me is hard for me wrap my head around, it's probably where I set myself up for failure best. I do think getting my diet in order is first and foremost but that didn't happen again today so instead of hating on myself about it I'll just focus on making sure I'm taking the right supplement for now)
I'm really interested in detoxifying, I feel I am under a pretty heavy toxic load.

Wake up to teaspoon of warm sea salt water

Half an hour later
10 drops 5% lugol's (I've been using for three months working my way up)
B2, B3, B vitamin complex, selenium, vitD3, choline, probiotic, MSM, trace minerals and beef gelatin (if I don't have the gelatin my guts play up) in distilled water (all water is distilled)
Sometimes I take 5htp if I feel like I need it, I used to take it more often than I do right now but I don't feel so wired lately and not feeling depressed like usual but then again I may not know what not feeling depressed even feels like.

2 or more hours later I have first dose of vitC (I'm taking extra as I'm sick so having 3 or 4 3 gram doses a day)
I salt most of the glasses of water I drink and don't eat til about 3 in the afternoon (I just don't feel like it) when I have another 10 drops of lugol's (again because I'm sick I've increased my lugol's too, I'm taking 4 10 drop doses over the course of the day with no side effect except for the rapid heart rate, more magnesium may be required ???)

At dinner (arund 6pm) I have CoQ10, sometimes some zinc (makes me feel sick though) milk thistle and turmeric and L-cartinite
Before bed I take magnesium bisglycinate powder (yuk, it's the worst night cap ever)

I have 2 teas a day with glycine in them ...
My diet is okay til after dinner then I just want to eat some sweet nasty carbs, I've been eating whatever I can find (avoiding the things that will make me really sick like dairy and wheat, but almost anything else goes)
Ugh.. Can't stop myself, I'm possessed!


I've got to force myself to go to bed now as I've gotten into a bad habit of staying up later than I've ever done.

So grateful again for all the responses. ❤️
 
Hello Fluffy, I don't want you to feel as if you are alone in your struggle, so if you would like I can listen to you.
For the information of other members, I am in the same suburb, so I'm only a phone call away.
I think it is good that you have started to share on the Forum again, and the feedback you have here is certainly positive, especially from those who have been in your situation.
 
Glad to hear that you're quitting the addiction Fluffy!

From all that you've described going on with your health, it sounds like you probably have a lot of health issues going on and that the iodine probably "stirred things up". You're not really taking anything that detoxifies, so you'd probably find adding chlorella to your supplement regimen to be helpful for heavy metal detox. People tend to take gram amounts (3 - 12 grams per day might be a good dosage range) of chlorella and if it's highly effective for you, it should be fine to take it as symptoms return (if you have high levels of heavy metals in your blood, then the chlorella will bind them and you'll like feel better for probably 2-4 hours, at which point the chlorella will be saturated and there may be more metals in your blood that need to be removed). That may also slow your heart rate, depending on the cause of your heart rate being so fast. Alpha Lipoic Acid is also a good detoxifier and is fat and water soluble, so that may be a helpful addition, though there are some opinions that ALA is a better heavy metal mobilizer than binder, so it's probably good to exercise some caution there; the range is probably 300mg to 1.5 grams.

A rapid heart rate can be inflammation at times too, so it may be worth trying Krill oil for that (when I had inflammation and took Krill oil, I could feel my heart rate slow significantly within about 15 minutes of taking it). There's a thread on Krill oil here: https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,37359.0.html

With regards to the carb cravings, it sounds like that could be mold. I've written about my hypothesis on the connection between pot and mold before, so you can find my most recent posting on it here: https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,41138.msg637596.html#msg637596

There's some additionally relevant information in that thread, so I'd recommend reading the whole thing.

You're case reminds me of another member's issues that were recently discussed and also seemed to be brought about from iodine. His thread is here: https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,41055.0.html

I'd also recommend reading that whole thread.

If you're diet isn't in a good place currently and you have little self control over what you eat, then a good starting point may be to get some kind of carby snack that does as little damage to you as possible (so no packaged junk food). Maybe some fruit is enough, or making some kind of paleo desert that's higher in carbs but doesn't have other poisons. Or maybe you can make a fat bomb and use xylitol (mildly anti-fungal and anti-bacterial) and/or fruit and perhaps that'll fill you up better as cravings set in. Whatever you do, the point is to do whatever you can do to get back on track and to improve your health.

Hopefully at least some of the above will help, and keep us posted :)
 
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