Since I received insight and advice on this thread I have been trying different things to deal with and end the Hive breakouts. I have observed in myself that I have been unconsciously putting pressure on myself to make too many dramatic changes too fast (as Laura mentioned). This includes pressure to change my diet, lifestyle and many programs I have become aware and continue to discover. Lately I have not been so strict with my diet and been allowing myself to eat vegetables and some berries, eating less fat and protein and introducing things more slowly. I have also order Ox-bile which should arrive any day now.
In retrospect I had become to forceful with myself in switching over to the Paleo/kenogetic diet. There has been a lesson here for me, that I need to do more research and take responsibility for gaining knowledge about something like a major diet shift before attempting to shift things that I don't have a full understanding of and being patient in the transition process. This reflects for me in other areas that I get ahead of myself because of the fear that I am not doing enough or good enough in the present. Hence feeling overwhelmed. I am no longer working which has helped me as I was in a very unhealthy and stressful job. I have been able to take the time to really take care of myself and have more balance in my day. But with that has come a feeling of guilt for not working. I'm at battle with myself.
That being said, positive things are and have been happening. I am engaging here on the forum more, reading the many informative and insightful threads. I have been speaking out about the injustices occurring in Gaza and spreading awareness around this topic to friends etc. I have been also reading and writing and doing some artwork. When observing myself and how I am spending my time I see many positive changes I have made and introduced into my life. When looking at my life presently things are going well and I am very grateful. This tells me there may be an uncoiling going on on an unconscious that is causing the Hives that may be from the past? I am still struggling to stay focused on one thing and working through not anticipating the next step all the time. I relate to this excerpt from the C's;
A: Completely pure intent, i.e. open.
Q: (L) Completely open?
A: Nonanticipatory.
Q: (L) Our anticipation constricts the channel when we ask for that kind of information?
A: Yes.
Q: (L) We have to be completely uncaring whether we get it or not, so to speak?
A: Happy-go-lucky attitude helps. As you were before.
Q: (L) So, as long as we are worried, tense, anticipatory, and attached to the idea, we constrict the flow?
A: Yes.
Especially this line; So, as long as we are worried, tense, anticipatory, and attached to the idea, we constrict the flow?
I am draining my energy by anticipating all the ideas I have and the future.
Some of the things that have been helping me are 5-HTP, Vitamin C and probiotics in the morning. At night I have been taking Melatonin, which I researched is good in combination with the 5-HTP. I have been taking Benadryl every night as well at approx. 9-10:30pm. I have had 3 Hive breakout in the last couple weeks. The Hives are improving yes, but I feel I have just put a bandaid on the problem. I now feel dependent on the Benadryl and the nights I haven't taken it I end up feeling anxious in 'anticipation' I may have a breakout. This is a vicious cycle as then the anxiety causes the breakout to come and I end up taking the Benadryl anyways. I don't want to be dependent on something external to rid myself of the hives but I also don't want to lose sleep because then my whole system gets thrown off. I'm confused on what else to do. I have been doing the EE breathwork program regularly and staying active (swimming, working out and going for hikes) which clears negative energy and relaxes me. I feel something inside of me an unconscious thought pattern is contracting my energy flow as I am still experiencing angst???
I have been feeling the Hives could be an underlying control issue? When the breakouts happen I feel so out of control, I feel frustration, rage, helplessness and sadness. I feel I am being attacked and there is nothing I can do. A part of me thinks to just stop taking the Benadryl and when a breakouts happen going and laying down on the living room floor, do pipe breathing and consciously suffering and see what comes up. What underlying issue is underneath the Hives? I now truly feel the 'hive attacks' are a signal that something needs to be processed from my unconscious but I don't know what it is?
I have discovered through talking things out with my partner, SpiralOut, that there could be a connection between the Hives and my mother. My control issues and busy body/can't sit still and need to always be doing something, accomplishing something is related to my perception of my mother. I see her as lethargic, unmotivated, unhealthy, inactive, and asleep. She is shut down and I feel I can rarely engage in a meaningful or deep conversation as she is not receptive. I have the fear of taking on these qualities myself. Therefore, I overcompensate by "truth telling," by always running around and doing things, by being at times overly physically active, and have trouble relaxing as "I don't want to become lazy," like my mother.
My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer when I was 14. She survived after a long journey fighting the cancer and has been cancer free for over 10 years. But she is addicted to pain medication and lives as if she still has cancer. She has every excuse of why she cannot do this or that. She is unhealthy and inactive and shut down. I have worked through a lot in regards to my relationship with her and have learned the importance of being externally considerate and meeting her where she is at. This is very difficult for me because I feel unseen by her and feel I have to become someone else to not trigger her, scare her, intimidate her, or confuse her. In the past when I am myself she distances herself from me. Now when I interact with her I have to imagine her as a child in order to not overwhelm her etc. This also helps put me at ease but also brings up sadness as the little girl in me feels very alone in those interactions. She is asleep but would never see herself that way as she has built layer upon layer to hide from herself and others.
All these years I thought that she was lying to me all the time and I felt resentment and anger towards her. Since reading "Myth of Sanity" I realize she has actually been dissociating all this time. There was one time when I was 24 that she laid in bed with me. I was depressed and traumatized as I was mourning the death of a close friend who was murdered a few weeks prior. My mother was triggered by my pain and started to cry histaricly she started to say to me there is something she has to tell me, I said, "yes mom, what is it you can tell me." She said, " I can't, I just can't tell you your not ready, I'm sorry I just can't tell you, all while crying and moaning. In that moment I tried to comfort her but was very confused. I let it go but then brought the situation up to her a couple months later, she acted shocked and said I don't remember that, that never happened, what are you talking about? I was very confused and upset by this but now see that she was dissacoiated at that time. I now have a lot of empathy for her but also feel sadness and disconect around our relationship.
I feel she may have got cancer because she suppressed her true self. As Dr. Gabor Mate says in his video on addiction; that cancer can manifest itself in someone who suppresses their true self. I am pretty certain from the stories my mom has hold me that her needs were not met as a child and that she was not loved for who she was by her family and was neglected by her narsacisstic mother. Therefore she has a need to get love and attention from the outside. This has created in her a "be nice" program because of her deep need to be loved and accepted. She is overly nice and often acts overly excited and fake to others. I feel she learned to suppress her true self and her true feelings along time ago and as Dr. Gabor Mate says, in turn suppressed her immune system which may have manifested the cancer. She would not ever understand this or even look at this and I would not bring this to her as I am afraid it could make her more sick and more shut down.
The reason I lay all of this out is I feel I have a similar program as my mother, a "be nice" program. Over the past few years I have become more comfortable being assertive, releasing my anger, speaking my truth and also working on my self to self relationship. I want to break this cycle in my family that has been going on for generations. What I say about how my mother needs not being met and not loved for who she, is the way my mother was with me and how I grew up. My needs were not met and I did not experience a healthy attachment to either of them as a child especially my mother who I see in retrospect was and has been depressed most of her life. I was neglected and later alienated by my family when I uncovered some dark family secrets.
I feel because she did not do the work and look at herself rather focusing on receiving love from the external she became unavailable as a mother as she has told me her mother was to her. My mother masks her pain with pharmaceutical drugs, televison, food etc, whatever it takes. There is no reaching her only letting go which I am working through. The reason I see the correlation between my mother and her illness to the hive breakouts is I feel it has something to do with my fear of not being able to work through some unconscious childhood trauma and early childhood conditioning and taking on my mothers conditioning and getting cancer myself. It feels like the hives are telling me to look and work through something but I don t know what it is or what to do?
As I sit here writing out this post I question myself. Is this really that important to sit here and spend time writing about myself when I look at what is happening in Gaza? I am struggling with finding a balance between doing the work within and without. On some level I feel I have been activated and sadness is coming up for me around my process as I am devastated, disgusted, and enraged with the sickness of the world. I have had trouble talking about Gaza with others as I become very emotional and choked and have to hold back my tears.
. If it helps, I've hardly met a girl who didn't had food issues. It is a very sick society after all. When I was in high school, I fainted from starvation. Even my mother was concerned and she is a hard one! 
