As a part of my ongoing endeavours to do the work and to be able to see, I have been diligently reading many of the books that lots of other readers on this site are or have ploughed their way through. Part of that has been reading up on psychopathy and over time I have been coming to conclusions about some members of my family who have been a constant and consistent source of pain, but I have been very wary about jumping to conclusions.
Well, now that has all changed. I have just been through a series of events with my eldest daughter and my ex-wife over the last couple of days that has been very defining for me in a number of ways. First, even though I have read heaps of material on psychopathy, thought about it a lot, made a solid effort to process it and make it mine, when it came to my daughter and her recent behaviour, I was completely taken in again, and if it had not been for my wife pointing out to me what was going on, I would have missed it and been back in the manipulation cycle. I suppose I should not be too surprised for it seems that it is easy to read material but altogether a different thing to actually apply it, particularly when the behaviour is being seen in somebody close (who has a developed and practiced ability over many years to make me feel guilty and to use that for her gain.)
Nonetheless, over the last two days, with my wife's help, I was able to see a very clear pattern in my daughters behaviour. Briefly it all revolved around being able to visit my new grandson, and my daughters realisation that her son gave her a new power she could wield to control people (like her father). Permission was granted for my wife and I to visit, withdrawn at the last moment for my wife (we had travelled to NZ to see them), and the visitn conditions modified - I was not allowed to visit the house but had to meet at a nearby shopping centre. When I declined to accept these conditions and the visit, I was subjected to a torrent of emotional abuse and misrepresentations about what I had been told by her about what she was prepared to accept for the visit. I called her bluff on this, i quoted her back to herself, I showed her the lies, and suddenly she was all sweetness and light, it was just a silly misunderstanding and of course we could both visit, right now. (I know I am rambling here but I am trying to give a sense of what was happening.)
My relationship with my eldest daughter has been tense for the last 10 years and the only time she has made contact have been when she wants money. Between us my wife and I worked out that the likely reason she decided to ban my wife and only see me was that she wanted to ask for money (in a tearful and emotional manner) and had decided she could best achieve this with me there alone as her history of manipulating me was good. We suspect when I called her bluff she could see the money source disappearing and decided on a quick reversal of strategy. (I really have not described this well, it was very emotional, quite hurtful and I am not sure I have got the gist of the event across but I am trying without being too verbose)
So, with assistance from my wife, I do believe I have finally seen strong psychopathic characteristics and behaviours that I have not wanted to see in my daughter. And in hindsight, a lot of behaviour over the last 10 years makes sense when seen in this light.
The follow up to this was an email from my ex-wife - we were divorced 14 years ago, but she has never stopped attacking me whenever possible (which is another reason I live in a different country). Number one daughter had copied her on the vitriolic and abusive email she sent me. The email I got from her, was quite sufficient for me to have to acknowledge that she is and has been psychopathic. Understanding that, finally, at last, (because I can be very thick and short soghted when it comes to the people around me), has enabled me to see that the way I have been dealing with her in the past has failed precicely because I have ascribed to her human characteristics of compassion, empathy and general decency and she patently does not possess them.
I am amazed at how acknowledging that these family members are psychopathic has provided a huge release for me, enabled me to look at them differently and most importantly to be able to respond to them differently. My wife is of the strong opinion that living with my ex-wife for 14 years severely damaged me and I think she is right. The positive for me in all this is 1. I can "see" at last what has been going on and make sense out of it and 2. knowing this will dramatically affect the strategies we employ to maintain our sanity when we cannot avoid contact.
I am amazed at how blind you can be when you do not what to see what is in front of your because the person involved you care about.
