Rebuilding Respect and Trust

[CelticWarrior]

I met her as friends and we grew our relationship from there into something much more, as for kids it's always been a heavy topic... it's nothing that formed over contrived pretenses. It was rather the opposite, it was a natural connection.

I'm not sure I understand well, here. Is she with someone else already?

It's not exactly that, although she did mention if I was with someone else it would not be something she's uncomfortable with. It's not even something I can fathom so early into things, and I'm honestly not interested in other women. She said also that she didn't want to work it out and wanted to move on however it's confusing because of her intense reaction of emotion in the eyes, plus she said at one point that it was too early to do anything about this decision. I'm not sure of anything except to accept what she says she wants as of now.
As for being civil to each other that won't be a problem for me and have got a lot of time to process it all.

Can you focus your pain toward resolve to work towards the things mentioned above with dedication? I think you may be pleasantly surprised with the results if you can. But the pain will last as long as the pain will last

More than anything I want to stay on top of doing the work. I can't keep on going with agonizing over everything.

Let the dust settle. Time will tell you what you needed.
...
Respect and accept your wife's decision, even if you feel part of your soul go with it, it's an attitude of empathy and compassion from a spiritual point of view.

Okay, granted I can accept it. I think time holds a lot of power to shape and from things. I may actually want to find some other ways to channel my experience into more constructive efforts.

All the more if you dig deeper. What I've found most often is that the deeper I go, the more such things are closely tied to self-based emotions and this is where these foreign objects seem to reside. The point isn't to revel in these emotions but to see how you've utilized them and the impact they've had on your life and others lives, and how you can live differently. It's basically a confession of sorts where you are ruthlessly honest in looking at yourself, your thinking, and behavior.
...
To me this reads as blaming your wife for not staying committed to you, and where she is ultimately responsible for your growth or decline.

I've always had the capacity to address any of the small things on a personal level of responsibility In fact, it would be almost entirely my idea to examine what needs to be addressed, but I was often faced with her not wanting to delve into the nuances of any contention between us. Almost like an escapism type of personality. Whatever the outcome between us will be it doesn't feel as important as it used to which I feel might give some leeway to do the deeper digging.

 

[Arwenn]

Hi CelticWarrior, I’m sorry that you have not been able to reconcile. May I ask who initiated the divorce? Do you guys have children? I may be wrong here, but it sounds like there are still feelings on both sides which is understandable after being together a decade, however your wife seems pretty resolute. As others have mentioned, you can’t force others’ decisions, so perhaps you need to move on and channel your energies elsewhere, and deal with the grief/loss of the relationship as best you can. See this as an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Hang in there

 

[Beau]

I've always had the capacity to address any of the small things on a personal level of responsibility In fact, it would be almost entirely my idea to examine what needs to be addressed, but I was often faced with her not wanting to delve into the nuances of any contention between us. Almost like an escapism type of personality.

If that's the case, why would you want to remain in a relationship with someone like that?

 

[Beau]

It's not exactly that, although she did mention if I was with someone else it would not be something she's uncomfortable with. It's not even something I can fathom so early into things, and I'm honestly not interested in other women. She said also that she didn't want to work it out and wanted to move on however it's confusing because of her intense reaction of emotion in the eyes, plus she said at one point that it was too early to do anything about this decision.

I wouldn't put too much emphasis on "the emotion in her eyes". This is probably a very emotionally turbulent situation and someone revealing that in their eyes or other non-verbal cues should not be construed as having mixed feelings. She is saying she would be ok with you dating someone else and that she wants to move on. That is as big of a message regarding where she is at than anything you think she conveyed non-verbally.

 

[CelticWarrior]

See this as an opportunity to reinvent yourself.

That's something I can agree on.

If that's the case, why would you want to remain in a relationship with someone like that?

It may sound like I'm out of my mind but contrary to how our attitudes and approaches conflict there's another kind of understanding we've had that's not easily defined.

 

[Turgon]

I've always had the capacity to address any of the small things on a personal level of responsibility In fact, it would be almost entirely my idea to examine what needs to be addressed, but I was often faced with her not wanting to delve into the nuances of any contention between us. Almost like an escapism type of personality.

You seemed to progressively become more nihilistic in your outlook these last few years and difficult to talk to. Maybe she had good reason to want to escape those talks.

 

[Renaissance]

I've always had the capacity to address any of the small things on a personal level of responsibility In fact, it would be almost entirely my idea to examine what needs to be addressed, but I was often faced with her not wanting to delve into the nuances of any contention between us. Almost like an escapism type of personality.

I think it'll be pretty difficult to see anything new by focusing on the ways that you were right and how she was wrong. This in itself is blaming, and you may be in it so deep that you don't realize how this is the opposite of personal responsibility. Sure, she had her role in things, but that really doesn't matter at this point. I'd suggest that it's more helpful to look at the things that led to your wife losing her respect and trust in you. This isn't done to beat yourself up, and I do pick up that you do want to build a better version of yourself and not wallow in the muck. It's done to see the areas that need work. I think a solid way to rebuild those things lost is by building strong character. It might not bring the results you currently want, but I'd wager it will open some doors down the road.

 

[Nienna]

You seemed to progressively become more nihilistic in your outlook these last few years and difficult to talk to. Maybe she had good reason to want to escape those talks.

I've wondered the whole time reading this thread that it would be good if we knew her side of the story. It might be very different from what you have said. It seems to me that you have built up a narrative of yourself that you want to keep in place instead of really looking at yourself from the outside to see how others see you. Until you can do that, you'll always be who you've always been. Which is okay if that's what you want.

 

[Beau]

It may sound like I'm out of my mind but contrary to how our attitudes and approaches conflict there's another kind of understanding we've had that's not easily defined.

It doesn't sound like that exists anymore, if it ever did outside of your own head.

 

[Scottie]

I've wondered the whole time reading this thread that it would be good if we knew her side of the story. It might be very different from what you have said.

I have to agree here. It's not necessarily that you are "evil" or anything. It could very simply be that your descriptions of her and what is going on between you is skewed without you even being aware of it. That's pretty much standard operating procedure for the human mind, ya know?

Without any input from her side of the equation, it's very difficult to give any kind of useful advice at this point.

As difficult as it may be, I would simply focus on what IS: divorce. That's not fun, and it may not be what you want, or even what she wants deep down, but after all this time it's pretty clear that you can't know that for sure - and obviously we can't either.

It's the whole, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got" thing. In that sense, divorce may actually be the best thing that could happen for all parties involved.

Sometimes, there are things in life that cannot or should not be fixed - either because we don't know how to fix them, or because in reality there is nothing to be fixed. IOW, things are the way they are for a very good reason, but we refuse to see it. So then we will spend decades running around in circles, convinced that we can fix it, even as our world falls apart around us.

That "falling apart" is a pretty good sign that it's time for a change. Refusal to embrace that change can and will eventually lead to an even bigger billboard falling on our heads.

I would say just focus on what is in front of you, and try to make the whole process as minimally painful for everyone as possible.

 

[Azur]

It may sound like I'm out of my mind but contrary to how our attitudes and approaches conflict there's another kind of understanding we've had that's not easily defined.

LOL. No, man.

Grow some balls and get over it.

Won't be fun or easy, as it seems you're more clingy to what you wanted more than she did.

So, wake up every day, and think about how you will live today...

Are you going to starve.. die in a snowbank... get shot by rebels...

Perspective....

 

[Joe]

She said also that she didn't want to work it out and wanted to move on however it's confusing because of her intense reaction of emotion in the eyes, plus she said at one point that it was too early to do anything about this decision. I'm not sure of anything except to accept what she says she wants as of now.

Given how you've described feeling heartbroken, there's something I think you should consider in this situation. The way you feel right now has nothing to do with her. Instead, it is a struggle between yourself and yourself, or the 'small' part of yourself and the 'bigger' part of yourself, or the 'you' that you want to become, someone who is stronger, more knowledgeable and more capable to handle the trials that life throws at you. It is a struggle between that ideal you and your negative emotions, your programs, your neediness and 'learned helplessness'. See that struggle as the ONLY important thing in your life right now, and make it your goal to win it. It will be a case of 'doing what it doesn't like', 'acting as if' i.e. acting as if you were already that strong person who can appropriately handle his emotions, not get bogged down in negative thinking, being the ideal version of yourself.

This is aiming at and working consistently towards your 'highest good', and as JBP has said, whatever results from that IS, by definition, the best thing that can happen. I think if you pursue this course with conviction and dedication, you will be very surprised (and pleasantly so) at the outcome.

 

[CelticWarrior]

See that struggle as the ONLY important thing in your life right now, and make it your goal to win it.
This is aiming at and working consistently towards your 'highest good'... I think if you pursue this course with conviction and dedication, you will be very surprised (and pleasantly so) at the outcome.

Thank you Joe

 

[Joe]

Thank you Joe

And don't set the bar too high. Just do your best, if you fall back into morose thinking, just pick yourself up and keep going. Remember, "this too shall pass". You KNOW you won't be feeling or thinking this way for very long. The only constant in life is change. Learn to navigate that change with grace and you've already achieved something few ever do. Have faith.

 

[seek10]

It may sound like I'm out of my mind but contrary to how our attitudes and approaches conflict there's another kind of understanding we've had that's not easily defined.

Wonderful advice is already given to you CelticWarrior. It will take some time to process all the feelings and have faith in universe to change.

Some how we forgot that divorce or separation is not that easy and leaves extraordinary amount of baggage. I wondered how did we forgot about it so fast. This reminds me of JBP's take on women's freedom through the birth control and tampons in 60's from corporate products. All the sexual freedom added to the materialistic education of Darwinism made every human relation a passing encounter that can be fixed another scientific discovery or material product (either available or to be discovered). All the encounters are stored in the body and psyche and it takes time to heal with process and heal.