Rebuilding Respect and Trust

[lainey]

Hello CelticWarrior, I’m so sorry to hear about your divorce. This must be a very painful time for you and I hope that you can find some peace through the great advice you have already been given here.



I’ve read your thread from the beginning, you do seem like you want to work on yourself and change your behaviour, the fact that you are posting and replying shows that you are willing to read and think about the responses given to you which is a step in the right direction. I’d like to add somethings FWIW.



The overall tone of your posts comes across as a little self-centred. You talk a lot about your feelings and your pain, yet you mention little about how the marriage and divorce experience has affected your wife. Your first post seem geared towards how to put on a mask to convince your wife that you are a different person from the person she was married to for 10 years, then at least you would have her there while you worked on the rest?



But, as Fabric rightly said, this journey takes time, a long, long time. Change doesn’t happen overnight, golly, it took me 3+ years to even change my outlook on life to a more positive one let alone change ingrained mechanical habits. So, be kind to yourself as you move forward and try to see this as a chance for a new beginning.

Although she may have her own issues such as anger and being overly sensitive, we have had a wonderful history together for almost 10 years that I would like to restore. It's my goal to show her that I can change while rebuilding respect and trust.

One thing that stood out to me here was you saying your wife was overly sensitive. That reminded me of one of the excuses that people in difficult relationships use when they are being insensitive without realising. Now, I’m not saying that this is you, but it might be something you want to explore.

These everyday microaggressions also happen in toxic relationships. If you bring up to a narcissistic abuser that their behavior is unacceptable for example, they will often make blanket generalizations about your hypersensitivity or make a generalization such as, "You are never satisfied," or "You're always too sensitive" rather than addressing the real issues at hand. It's possible that you are oversensitive at times, but it is also possible that the abuser is also insensitive and cruel the majority of the time.

The numerous tactics that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths use to manipulate and silence you -- Sott.net

more so I am wanting to work on my own self sabotage in which I could forget that I'm a very decent person deep down.

What I wanted most was to enjoy the company of good people that I've known for so long. It made me feel content that I could show confidence and emotional security because it marks real maturity.

I've always had the capacity to address any of the small things on a personal level of responsibility In fact, it would be almost entirely my idea to examine what needs to be addressed, but I was often faced with her not wanting to delve into the nuances of any contention between us.

You’ve attributed many positive attributes to yourself here. I agree with what Nienna and Renaissance have offered, Try not to fall into a pity party where you are the righteous victim and your wife is the one who ran away and won’t talk things through.

I can't say part of it didn't result in less than a push behaviour so definitely not a tactic I want to repeat in the near future. But, as far as she was concerned talking was meant as a form of ending our relationship and moving on.

I was often faced with her not wanting to delve into the nuances of any contention between us. Almost like an escapism type of personality.

Could it be that she was exhausted at trying to reason with your pushy behaviour?

I'm sure there is fault on both sides here, but the only person you can change is you. This seems like a great opportunity for self exploration and I wish you all the luck.

 

[Aya]

I’m very sorry to hear what happened between you and your wife, CelticWarrior.

Indeed pain takes a long time to heal so focusing on meditation and organizing your environment is a good step.

I personally found reading news articles helped me to get out of slump. When I was going through some hard times, they reminded me that I was not alone in my suffering and life is indeed difficult. Also, remembering and reading about some people who have gone through hardships in life can be inspiring. Without it, there is a danger of falling into black and white thinking where you are the only person struggling and suffering, but it is not so.

I addition, this is the time you should find the most trivial thing in life appreciative. However small it may be, try to find appreciation in your life, which it will help your mind to focus on the external events and to open up to receive new information surrounding you. Be gentle to yourself and going a step forward one by one, slowly.

If you follow the part of you that is great and keep doing to achieve your small goals, it will forge a new path for good; maybe you will find new meaning and purpose in your life to shape the better future for you and people around you.

In case if you haven’t tried it, NeuroOptimal also helps you to release piled up emotion in a gentle manner. Finding yourself in a loop of cynicism or self-destructive narratives or not, you might want to try it out.

I’m rooting for you & please take care.

 

[CelticWarrior]

And don't set the bar too high. Just do your best, if you fall back into morose thinking, just pick yourself up and keep going. Remember, "this too shall pass". You KNOW you won't be feeling or thinking this way for very long. The only constant in life is change. Learn to navigate that change with grace and you've already achieved something few ever do. Have faith.

Absolutely! I'm making it a priority in my life.

You talk a lot about your feelings and your pain, yet you mention little about how the marriage and divorce experience has affected your wife.

Could it be that she was exhausted at trying to reason with your pushy behaviour?

I'm sure there is fault on both sides here, but the only person you can change is you.

As far as I'm aware, she claimed to have gone through some emotional turmoil and "recovered" in a mere matter of weeks. I have recently returned legal documents her way with my agreement in order to stand my ground and seize a position of being firm but fair. I mean it was her idea to initiate it in the first place so I may as well take the opportunity to say I'm making myself unavailable. I've thought hard about what you mentioned with respect to how it's affected her... if she has made all efforts to shut me out and not want much contact as well as an evasive nature on expressing what she would like to contribute emotionally then I can only guess it's a deep cut that's under the surface somewhere. I've been told that those who make the move to say it's over and break things off are often confronted with a wave of scrutiny after a period of time that they thought of as relief. But you're right it's my time for growth and change and all the marvelous virtues it can bring into my life.

However small it may be, try to find appreciation in your life, which it will help your mind to focus on the external events and to open up to receive new information surrounding you.

If you follow the part of you that is great and keep doing to achieve your small goals, it will forge a new path for good

Much appreciation for your positive encouragement.

 

[Turgon]

I don’t know exactly what you mean by recovery in a matter of weeks. If you mean that she continued going to work, seeing family and friends and basically living her life, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s recovered and may have wounds that’ll take a long time to sort out and heal from. The thing is because your hurt it’s very easy to hold animosity towards her because she left you. And that’s understandable and a common response for most people. But it’s also easy and the path of least resistance, and like what’s been said to you already in this thread, isn’t a way to work on yourself or find a way through this where you see yourself a better person because of it. Plus, it’s been my experience that it is a LOT more difficult and painful to be the one to end a relationship that I’ve put so much of myself into than it was to be the one being told of the relationship ending. If you think about it, she probably agonized months, if not years, in order to come to this decision. And then to actually go through with it, especially a divorce - it must have been one of the hardest things for her to do. So I can only hope you respect the decision and act decently throughout so that the separation and divorce is at least amicable, even if it’s not what you want.

 

[Gwenllian]

If you think about it, she probably agonized months, if not years, in order to come to this decision. And then to actually go through with it, especially a divorce - it must have been one of the hardest things for her to do. So I can only hope you respect the decision and act decently throughout so that the separation and divorce is at least amicable, even if it’s not what you want.

I couldn't agree more. Especially if you have mutual friends and if she became part of your family, your parents and siblings and so on. She will have to give that up as well and from experience I can tell you that this is a painful and lonely process. Also, what I would want if I were you is that she will think of you kindly after the divorce. This can only happen if you act decently and with maturity. It will also help you in the long run, because then you can look back at this period and think, at least I handled the separation and divorce well enough. FWIW.