avivalevy3
Padawan Learner
This idea, that we have to balance the two, came up repeatedly for me over the past week. First, it came up with my therapist, in a discussion about private hugs with a partner. We had what I would call a series of hugs. Some were very emotionally nurturing for me. Others were sort of "pro forma," just being polite kind of "meh" hugs. Then, when I would get ready to leave and ask if he wanted a hug, he would say, "no but I'll give you a hug if you want one." I decided I did not like this and asked him what he feels when we hug. Something like this:
He says, "you overcomplicate things."
"Why?"
"Why do you have to ... demand that I feel something instead of accepting what I do feel?"
"What do you feel?"
"I feel nothing."
What followed was the beginning of a long conversation of giving love, who to give it to and what it is.
The context is giving and receiving "real" love.
A month goes by, we don't see each other.
I begin Biodanza, it's good for me, it's a kind of love workshop, but non verbal, with dance, which is why I asked the C's what they think of it, it's not new. In Israel my understanding is it's been around for 12 years. I work with the new therapist. I write.
I see my "dance partner" again (we live near one another) last week to pick up some labels, we go inside, talk, have tea, I offer a hug without speaking, just using the body language I learned in the class: outstretched arms, raised, open, offering, not asking. (Asking is a slightly different, lower, position). He accepts, with what appears, to my surprise, to be some gratitude. It's a nice soft, comfy, brother-sister hug. He says, "that's better already, softer." I look at him, "softer."
"Yes, softer." Before it was too (he makes strangling motion with his fingers curled up into claws).
"You could have said something before now."
I think I got a smile.
Then the next day, a long stare.
Am I refusing to receive love?
Are we confusing signals?
Are we both afraid to receive love?
Is this love, or something else?
We are both in our 60s. Neither of us has ever married. A series of very strange events led to our meeting.
Can I ask the Cs what's going on here, with this "dance?"
Even "dance" itself is a repeating theme.
I return to Israel, 18 months ago. After many years in the states. I've never danced.
Then, I find out I have Parkinson's. (C's? Comment? Is it Parkinson's? Not Parkinson's? What is it then? 5 neurologists: 1 says no. 1 says maybe something else. 3 say Parkinson's. 1 of those 3 is a Professor. Are any of them right?).
A year of laying around feeling sorry for myself then looking at retirement/nursing homes. Very depressing.
I decide to stay in Akko on my own. It worked out.
Now, all these questions.
The therapist says we each want to know if our love will be received before we risk giving it.
Then is it love? Isn't that a condition? It can't be STO if it's conditional, can it? It has to be agape.
So we hesitate, or we stand there, weighing the chance of rejection. STS, no? another word is ego? Too much thinking?
On the other hand, we don't want to accept something that has psychic strings attached, or an ulterior motive, like sex.
This leads to a question about sex. The therapist & I say sex is not love and love is not sex. I say sex is an expression of love. I think my dance partner knows this, but he says the opposite. It's frustrating.
Before the class, he says to me, "will you be upset if you see me hit on women?"
I say, "of course not."
The irony is my "dance partner" was one of the first Biodanza participants. Biodanza is not a singles activity. It's an intimacy workshop. Why does a 61 year old act like a 16 year old or what's really going on here?
Why do so very many of us have trouble accepting agape/love without conditions? Why can't we look one another in the eye? Why do people refuse to turn off their cell phones at dinner, even if they are not "religious," just to see who is at the table? Why has human touch become something scary?
Biodanza seeks to encourage human connection on more than just a sexual level....perhaps to remember together what that's like. Is it just a hippy renewal Israeli style? The 1960s Haight Ashbury all over again? I don't think so. I don't see any drugs. My teacher does not smoke anything. She takes prescription meds, so do I, nothing else. I did not see any tie dye or scraggly jeans. Just regular people, mostly older, maybe mostly single, maybe mostly lonely but some with jobs, kids...
Your thoughts?
Shalom from Akko, Israel
I want to give love, first, then receive. Or:
I want to give & receive love simultaneously with my partner (context is a Biodanza exercise).
My partner only wants to give love, He stands facing me, making eye contact, with his hand on his heart.
I stand facing him, making eye contact, first with my two hands on my heart.
I have confused the signals (explained tonight by another teacher)
He says, "you overcomplicate things."
"Why?"
"Why do you have to ... demand that I feel something instead of accepting what I do feel?"
"What do you feel?"
"I feel nothing."
What followed was the beginning of a long conversation of giving love, who to give it to and what it is.
The context is giving and receiving "real" love.
A month goes by, we don't see each other.
I begin Biodanza, it's good for me, it's a kind of love workshop, but non verbal, with dance, which is why I asked the C's what they think of it, it's not new. In Israel my understanding is it's been around for 12 years. I work with the new therapist. I write.
I see my "dance partner" again (we live near one another) last week to pick up some labels, we go inside, talk, have tea, I offer a hug without speaking, just using the body language I learned in the class: outstretched arms, raised, open, offering, not asking. (Asking is a slightly different, lower, position). He accepts, with what appears, to my surprise, to be some gratitude. It's a nice soft, comfy, brother-sister hug. He says, "that's better already, softer." I look at him, "softer."
"Yes, softer." Before it was too (he makes strangling motion with his fingers curled up into claws).
"You could have said something before now."
I think I got a smile.
Then the next day, a long stare.
Am I refusing to receive love?
Are we confusing signals?
Are we both afraid to receive love?
Is this love, or something else?
We are both in our 60s. Neither of us has ever married. A series of very strange events led to our meeting.
Can I ask the Cs what's going on here, with this "dance?"
Even "dance" itself is a repeating theme.
I return to Israel, 18 months ago. After many years in the states. I've never danced.
Then, I find out I have Parkinson's. (C's? Comment? Is it Parkinson's? Not Parkinson's? What is it then? 5 neurologists: 1 says no. 1 says maybe something else. 3 say Parkinson's. 1 of those 3 is a Professor. Are any of them right?).
A year of laying around feeling sorry for myself then looking at retirement/nursing homes. Very depressing.
I decide to stay in Akko on my own. It worked out.
Now, all these questions.
The therapist says we each want to know if our love will be received before we risk giving it.
Then is it love? Isn't that a condition? It can't be STO if it's conditional, can it? It has to be agape.
So we hesitate, or we stand there, weighing the chance of rejection. STS, no? another word is ego? Too much thinking?
On the other hand, we don't want to accept something that has psychic strings attached, or an ulterior motive, like sex.
This leads to a question about sex. The therapist & I say sex is not love and love is not sex. I say sex is an expression of love. I think my dance partner knows this, but he says the opposite. It's frustrating.
Before the class, he says to me, "will you be upset if you see me hit on women?"
I say, "of course not."
The irony is my "dance partner" was one of the first Biodanza participants. Biodanza is not a singles activity. It's an intimacy workshop. Why does a 61 year old act like a 16 year old or what's really going on here?
Why do so very many of us have trouble accepting agape/love without conditions? Why can't we look one another in the eye? Why do people refuse to turn off their cell phones at dinner, even if they are not "religious," just to see who is at the table? Why has human touch become something scary?
Biodanza seeks to encourage human connection on more than just a sexual level....perhaps to remember together what that's like. Is it just a hippy renewal Israeli style? The 1960s Haight Ashbury all over again? I don't think so. I don't see any drugs. My teacher does not smoke anything. She takes prescription meds, so do I, nothing else. I did not see any tie dye or scraggly jeans. Just regular people, mostly older, maybe mostly single, maybe mostly lonely but some with jobs, kids...
Your thoughts?
Shalom from Akko, Israel
I want to give love, first, then receive. Or:
I want to give & receive love simultaneously with my partner (context is a Biodanza exercise).
My partner only wants to give love, He stands facing me, making eye contact, with his hand on his heart.
I stand facing him, making eye contact, first with my two hands on my heart.
I have confused the signals (explained tonight by another teacher)
