Seeking advice

[Seamus]

I would like to ask for advice concerning my life situation.

I attended a 10 day, silent vipassana meditation retreat in the spring and I have felt a growing sense of unrest and urgency since then. I have been practicing almost daily, sometimes twice a day, for 40 minutes to an hour at a time. I have begun to notice very powerful emotions arising, both when I am sitting and at random times during the day. Most often I am feeling anger. I have read the big 5 psych books, ISOTM, SHOTW, High Strangeness, and some of the other books on the reading list, so I am trying to be aware of where these emotions could be coming from, and to work towards a healthy psyche.

I live with my parents, and have been living with them for the past 5 years and I am questioning whether or not this is a beneficial situation for me and for them. I moved home to help during a health crisis and have stayed on through a financial crisis, which is continuing. My parents will not be able to afford to hold on to their house if I am not renting from them, so I feel obligated to stay. Part of me also wants to stay because my parents have always tried to support me, and they are my friends, so I don't want to abandon them. Another part of me wants to move because I question whether or not the living situation is a healthy one. I often lose my temper with my parents, which is unproductive and hurtful to them and to me. I want to work through the psychological issues that are ruling my life without causing more hurt. I don't want to blame them for not doing what I need to do (dietary changes, etc.), but it is difficult to change in the face of constant pressure from those around you.

I have been considering what Don Juan called "The Breaking Point" in The Active Side of Infinity.

"It's very, very important," don Juan went on, "That you yourself deliberately arrive at that breaking point, or that you create it artificially, and intelligently."

"What do you mean by that, don Juan?" I asked, caught in his intriguing reasoning.

"Your breaking point," he said, "is to discontinue your life as you know it. You have done everything I told you, dutifully and accurately. If you are talented, you never show it. That seems to be your style. You're not slow, but you act as if you were. You're very sure of yourself, but you act as if you were insecure. You're not timid, and yet you act as if you were afraid of people. Everything you do points at a single spot: your need to break all that, ruthlessly. "

"But in what way, don Juan? What do you have in mind?" I asked, genuinely frantic.

"I think everything boils down to one act," he said. "You must leave your friends. You must say good-bye to them, for good. It's not possible for you to continue on the warriors' path carrying your personal history with you, and unless you discontinue your way of life, I won't be able to go ahead with my instruction."

"Now, now, now, don Juan," I said, "I have to put my foot down. You're asking too much of me. To be frank with you, I don't think I can do it. My friends are my family, my points of reference."

"Precisely, precisely," he remarked. "They are your points of reference. Therefore, they have to go. Sorcerers have only one point of reference: infinity."

As I said, I am trying not to blame them or use them as an excuse not to do what I need to do, but I don't want to take my frustration and anger out them either. I am also reminded of this quote:

I think you go through stages in the process of healing. In the beginning, how can you NOT blame your parents or whoever it was that hurt you. You basically have to go back to being in that state and being hurt. Part of you, that is. Another part of you is angry for the sake of that innocent child. This is where the angry part has to find a way to comfort the hurt part and to help the hurt inner child to express the hurt and anger. But this needs to be done in such a way that no one is hurt! We suggest writing letters that are later burnt to release the hurt and anger, or writing in a journal that is private, or talking to close friends or a group (we do this in QFS, by the way) and getting support and encouragement from them for the child that was wounded.

This may have to be done a number of times because the discoveries about what wounded us sometimes come in layers, like peeling an onion.

At the same time, gaining knowledge of how these things happen, how it is the consequence of wounded parents (most often) helps us to understand that THEY, too, had this wounded child inside that never was accepted.

Of course, when you are dealing with a truly pathological situation where the parent is a real psychopath, it's even harder. There you have to really study psychopathy in depth and for a long time before you are able to resolve the hurt and anger. For some reason, it is one thing to be able to feel sympathy for a wounded parent who just didn't know any better, and quite another to face up to a genetic deviant who simply did not and can not care.

It is important to not neglect the steps. It's no good to just skip over resolving the grief, comforting the child you were, gaining perspective through gaining knowledge, otherwise you are just creating more buffers.

I don't want to hurt the people around me because I am unable to control my own negative emotions. So I am wondering, how have others balanced their family obligations with the work that they are trying to accomplish? Has anyone intentionally setup a breaking point of some kind? How have you handled similar situations in your life?

Thanks,
Seamas

 

[nwigal]

Have you considered a literal strategic enclosure, like a travel trailer, if there is room? A little space can go a long way, IMO.

 

[Seamus]

A literal strategic enclosure. Thats a good way to put it. Yes that is an option that I am considering. I was thinking along the lines of a small cabin or a yurt, but a travel trailer is a great idea.

Thanks for your input!

 

[anart]

Hi Seamas, it sounds like practicing EE might be worthwhile. I'm unfamiliar with the other meditation you are referring to so I can't really give advice one way or another, but I do know that consistent practice of EE will be very beneficial for stress and anger.

 

[Seamus]

Hi Anart,

Thank you for the suggestion. I will start practicing EE again.

From the Vipassana meditation website:

Vipassana, which means to see things as they really are, is one of India's most ancient techniques of meditation. It was rediscovered by Gotama Buddha more than 2500 years ago and was taught by him as a universal remedy for universal ills, i.e., an Art Of Living.

This non-sectarian technique aims for the total eradication of mental impurities and the resultant highest happiness of full liberation. Healing, not merely the curing of diseases, but the essential healing of human suffering, is its purpose.

Vipassana is a way of self-transformation through self-observation. It focuses on the deep interconnection between mind and body, which can be experienced directly by disciplined attention to the physical sensations that form the life of the body, and that continuously interconnect and condition the life of the mind. It is this observation-based, self-exploratory journey to the common root of mind and body that dissolves mental impurity, resulting in a balanced mind full of love and compassion.

The scientific laws that operate one's thoughts, feelings, judgements and sensations become clear. Through direct experience, the nature of how one grows or regresses, how one produces suffering or frees oneself from suffering is understood. Life becomes characterized by increased awareness, non-delusion, self-control and peace.

 

[Mixtli]

Sounds good and not that differente from the EE meditation.

 

[obyvatel]

As per my understanding, Vipassana is a seed-less meditation technique. EE/POTS is a meditation technique with seed. There are a couple of threads related to meditations with and without seed here
The Role of Meditation in the Work
WHAT IS MEDITATION??

 

[Seamus]

Hi obyvatel,

Thank you for the links. It is also my understanding that Vipassana is a seed-less technique in the sense that practitioners are not instructed to recite a mantra or visualize a symbol, etc. Rather the instruction was to focus attention on breath and sensations in the body.

I practiced EE only for a few months last summer and fall, and I have only been practicing Vipassana for a few months, so am not in a position to compare the two. It is not my intention to push an agenda or an alternative technique, I am looking forward to practicing EE/POTS.

 

[ana]

I don't want to hurt the people around me because I am unable to control my own negative emotions. So I am wondering, how have others balanced their family obligations with the work that they are trying to accomplish? Has anyone intentionally setup a breaking point of some kind? How have you handled similar situations in your life?

i try to remember that each of us have lessons to learn and that it is up to each of us if these lessons take more or less to be learned.

i try to see how the main reason for my suffering has its roots in my ignorance and not in the acts of others.

i focus my attention in each life situation trying not to do others what i don't want done to me and doing to them what i want done to me.

i understand how when i feel free and able thanks to knowledge there are no outside hazards or threats that may prevent me from being and that being cannot harm others, rather the opposite.

if i am not able to do the above then i better leave them until the storm passes :)

hope it helps

 

[Seamus]

Beautifully said, Ana. That gives me a lot to think about.

 

[pirataloko]

Hi Seamas.

In some sense i live in a similar situation. I live with my parents and work in the evenings teaching maths. I have to admit that i've been very difficult to deal with in many ocassions, i'm very rebel and i don't accept the things perse, i have learned through the mistakes. In my actual situation i can say that i listen to my parents but as they're programmed i don't follow their "advices", for years it was a tricky situation because i was between following my thoughts or their advices, the point was that i had doubts about following a path that could be considered as opposite to the society path, and i considered that i could be wrong.

As a result of this situation i chose to follow their advise with very negative results although "it was for my own well-being". I had learned that i have to follow my own steps and ideas and if i enter into a mistake, at least it's my own election. Since a few moths i'm decided to follow this way, and i have to say that in some situations and confrontations with my parents i feel bad or i thought i can not bear them (in these cases i can always get something new to learn), but in many occasions (i'm sorry if it looks like ill-mannered) i laugh at what they tell me because i can see how their brains work, i explain to them my point of view but they say it's unreal, and they become victims, and sometimes disqualify me which makes me laugh more.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but im not going to give up my principles for others to be happy because then i would be the unfortunate. And as the C's said all is lessons. I have mines and they have theirs.

It can be posible to change things from angry to fun, to walk over the fire without being burned. That's the idea i want to suggest you. But remember that's a process and you have lo learn with it.

 

[Skipling]

Hello Seamus. I've been living with my parents for six years since moving back home, but my situation differs from yours because they came to my rescue in a crisis. God bless them, I love them, but I have hurt them both with my anger and unpredictable, erratic moods and behaviour. No arguments since 2008, touch wood.

However I do empathise because I sense that you are feeling that you need your own space in order to fully realise your potential in the work. I am in this situation right now, only I will have to find a better paid job with longer hours in order to find myself a place to live. This will be the only way I can make the neccessary dietry changes in a complete sense. But it's more than that. I want to be able to stand up on my own two feet. It is so easy to fall back into the comfort zone when living with your family, osit. Mine definitely need their own space now, as they're not getting any younger, and neither am I for that matter, and that is the problem. Sorry, you don't need to hear this on your thread.

With my interests, which I haven't fully disclosed to them (they know my interest in ufo's from way back, but not the sott forum. I did tell them about the EE/POTS though, to ease my mother's mind mainly, that I was taking steps to deal with my emotional and psychological problems.

Your situation is different though. You are helping them in a sticky situation, but maybe that is part of why you feel anger. Any of us can see too much of each other, and we all need our own space, particularly if you are about to revolutionise your diet. This is my problem at home too. I'm no expert, but I read your thread on a whim, or a hint, and now I'm glad I did. I'd say take your time and do have another go at the EE. It's bringing some painful stuff to the surface for me, and no doubt it will take some time, but I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't decided to give it a chance. Or rather I do. It's brought me back from the brink.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do! :)

 

[Seamus]

Hi pirataloko,

I can relate to alot of what you wrote. In the past I also took my parent's advice without really thinking it through, and sometimes I felt resentful about this. I told myself that they were blocking me, or trying to control me, especially when they advised me against doing things. When I started reading the big 5 psych books (Trapped in the Mirror, Unholy Hungers, etc.) I started telling myself that they were programmed, that they were narcissistically wounded and that they were feeding on me. It was alot of "they", "them", etc. In other words I think I was doing alot of projecting. One thing that created tension in our relationship was my habit of "offering help" or suggestions of my own to them, in the form of articles, suggestions that they read books and follow programs that I though might "fix" their problems, even though I myself was unable to take my own advice. At a certain point I had a blowout argument with my mum and I realized that I was doing to them exactly what I was telling myself that they were doing to me.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but im not going to give up my principles for others to be happy because then i would be the unfortunate. And as the C's said all is lessons. I have mines and they have theirs.

This is good advice. I try to remember that others have their own lessons to learn and stand by my right to make decisions and make mistakes, but sometimes I forget. Thanks for the reminder. Its easy to forget and fall back into old habits. EE is already helping. Hearing some alternate perspectives here is too.

 

[Seamus]

Hi Skipling,

No arguments in two years?!? That is quite an achievement, congratulations!

However I do empathise because I sense that you are feeling that you need your own space in order to fully realise your potential in the work.
[...]
With my interests, which I haven't fully disclosed to them (they know my interest in ufo's from way back, but not the sott forum. I did tell them about the EE/POTS though, to ease my mother's mind mainly, that I was taking steps to deal with my emotional and psychological problems.

Your situation is different though. You are helping them in a sticky situation, but maybe that is part of why you feel anger. Any of us can see too much of each other, and we all need our own space, particularly if you are about to revolutionise your diet. This is my problem at home too. I'm no expert, but I read your thread on a whim, or a hint, and now I'm glad I did. I'd say take your time and do have another go at the EE. It's bringing some painful stuff to the surface for me, and no doubt it will take some time, but I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't decided to give it a chance. Or rather I do. It's brought me back from the brink.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do! :)

I don't fully disclose my interests to my parents either. For a time I talked about what I was reading and thinking all of the time with them, but I think that was a mistake. I remember reading many times on this forum that we should not be "teaching" other people, but I guess I told myself I wasn't doing that, or that I knew better. I think I first read about the idea of a Strategic Enclosure and External Considering here on the forum about a year ago, and I try to think about both ideas on a regular basis. I don't know how good I am at either concept yet, but my relationship with my parents has been better since I stopped pushing unwanted advice on them all of the time and talking about everything that I read.

Diet is tricky, I am finding that out. I'm finding that I have many, many habits that are tied to food. I catch myself wandering around looking for food several times a day, and I've started to stop and ask myself why I'm looking for food. About 2 out of 3 times I'm not even hungry. Sometimes I'm thirsty and mistaking it for hunger. Sometimes I'm bored, so I look for food. Sometimes I am feeling anxious. Other times I get really absorbed in whatever I'm doing and I can go for hours and hours without food, and then I feel cranky because I haven't eaten.

I do feel some anger because of the situation that I am in, you're right about that. I sometimes feel trapped by the financial arrangement that we have. I feel that I would be abandoning my responsibilities if I left.

I will make EE a priority. I feel a bit better just after practicing yesterday and the day before. Even if I decided to move out completely, I wouldn't be able to do it for a while, so EE is something I can do to help right away. I am also going to call today about a Yurt I saw in the local classifieds over the weekend, so maybe that will work out so that I have more space without moving away.

Thank you!

 

[pirataloko]

Hi pirataloko,

I can relate to alot of what you wrote. In the past I also took my parent's advice without really thinking it through, and sometimes I felt resentful about this. I told myself that they were blocking me, or trying to control me, especially when they advised me against doing things. When I started reading the big 5 psych books (Trapped in the Mirror, Unholy Hungers, etc.) I started telling myself that they were programmed, that they were narcissistically wounded and that they were feeding on me. It was alot of "they", "them", etc. In other words I think I was doing alot of projecting. One thing that created tension in our relationship was my habit of "offering help" or suggestions of my own to them, in the form of articles, suggestions that they read books and follow programs that I though might "fix" their problems, even though I myself was unable to take my own advice. At a certain point I had a blowout argument with my mum and I realized that I was doing to them exactly what I was telling myself that they were doing to me.

Hi Seamas

Yes, i'm agree with you, sometimes we can comment about the deficiencies in others but we can't see the same thing in our ownself. Great irony. Sometimes i think about play a very instructive game which deals about if you weren't you, that's to say only observations like if you were another entity watching what are you doing and what¡s happening in your life. Sometimes it helps because you don't percieve things in a personal sense, and the facts and words that other people could do and say are seen in another point of view and you subsequently act in a diferent way. The point in this game is to contrast how are you acting playing the game and how are you acting in normal circunstances when you are under the influence of the same events. I use to learn a lot doing this and obviusly i laught, sometimes too much, even when i don't i use to look for the point i've lost.

Some people could say that it sounds childhood, but i'm a frustrated teacher and although i can be wrong, my intuition leads me to be sure that the best (and funny) way to learn is through play. I think that all the boring ways to teach and learn actually are obsolete, and everything can be taught and learned through play. So changing the point of view and watching with "new eyes" like everything were a game can be very effective and nice.

I want to add that in spite of all frustrations all can be funny and when in a moment you feel resentful in another moment changing the point of view you can feel grateful with your parents by the lessons they offer to you as i do.