Self-pity program alert

[D Rusak]

I was going through a box of assorted materials yesterday and chanced upon a poem written when I was thirteen. I won't subject y'all to it in its entirety, but one passage has been echoing through my brain nonstop since then. The poem is entitled "Hell", and the passage is as follows:

"All this time
I want to change
But I don't."


I feel disillusionment with my career, my social standing, my relationship to my family, my spiritual progress. I feel as though I have been going in circles. Perhaps Gurdjieff would refer to me as a round idiot. I am so afraid that I have become one of those who has deluded themselves into thinking they have been successfully following "B influences" while all along I've been as mechanical as anyone, and not really Worked on the few actual B influences I have encountered. I've been reading and trying to study the C's material, SOTT, Gurdjieff, esoterica, etc. for almost three years now, and feel like I hardly understand anything, and haven't done anywhere near the Work that is to be expected. I see others who have joined the forum and it seems like everyone has made so much progress, and I have not. I am embarrassed by the lack of knowledge, and utter imagination/delusion, in many of my previous posts. I panic, I feel that my time to learn could be running out. Cometary showers bring planetary sours. I know that I can't do anything to help anyone unless I understand my machine, and that everyone learns in a different way at a different rate. However, often I feel stuck. If one could describe my mental state, it would often be [!!!], or if not, just disgust at the things/thoughts I'm capable of, or rather, lack of things I've done. I am an immature, irresponsible merde. The smallest incidents can set me reeling off course; I'm a total reaction machine.

I reread part of MWRM and noted the section where G decided to give up something very dear to him as a constant reminder to be aware and progress. I am trying to find such a thing for myself. Practicing his "last hour" exercise helps, but it is often not enough, as I slip back into forgetting myself so easily. I am trying to think what this could be in my case. I feel desperate, maybe this is the moral bankruptcy Mouravieff mentions, but then again, it could just be imagination once more (having thought I already reached moral bankruptcy).
All the fourth way sources say it is better for one to never have encountered the Way than to find it, follow it, and be diverted off-course. I fear this is happening or has happened to me. I want to take this road less traveled, but again, I really feel full of merde. (I apologize for the excessive use of this if it offends anyone; I recently read WPP's book about The Rope and G says this about everyone quite a lot).

So often I am afraid to post because I think I do not know enough, I'm afraid of my lack of knowledge being revealed and shot down (duh- that would be good, then I'd learn something. Self-importance, aie!) I tell myself that I don't want to create noise, but then I don't really learn.

I'm not entirely sure what the point of all this is, but perhaps it's a start of something.

 

[Nienna]

I understand totally what you are describing for, I think, that we all feel this way when the predator raises its head.

It seems that we become full of doubt as we start to progress. As we start to actually do the Work. This brings fear to the predator who most desperately wants to hide so it fills us with self-doubt bringing up all of the programs that make us think of how ridiculous we are, how much of a failure we are. Anything it can do to keep us from posting, from coming closer to shining the light on the predator who so much loves the dark.

For us to succumb to the predator/programs that are trying to keep us silent, from posting to the forum from whom we can learn to spot the programs that are running our lives is the biggest mistake we can make towards our learning of our lessons. For without the feedback from those who are collinear with us, we cannot grow.

So, for what it's worth, I would say not to give in to these programs that are trying to keep you silent and doubtful of yourself. For as far as I can see, this is what is happening. You are being filled with doubt and self-importance, as you have pointed out. And this is what is going to keep you from continuing your lessons.

Also, it is very hard to continuously self-observe. It takes time and patience and a will not to give up and stop trying. This is something that doesn't develop over night. Could this be the same programs keeping you from posting? They are also trying to get you to give up everything you have been trying to do?

Just remember that while self-observing you will not see the program until after it has run. Then you should try to understand what just happened, how did you feel, how did you react, etc. This will take many times and all of a sudden you will start to notice the program while it is running instead of after it has run. Then you will actually see it activated although you might not be able to stop it, you will see the trigger and that will help as you eventually will be able to stop the program after the trigger has gone off, and then you will see the trigger as it happens and can stop it before the program runs. Thus you will have control over the program and will know it for what it is. And, as I said, this takes some time to accomplish.

This is what I think your predator is truly afraid of. That you will finally figure out how to control it and so it is now causing you to doubt yourself and try to get you to give up and go back to sleep.

Although I could be wrong and others may have better information to help you. ;)

Just my 2 cents. And good luck.

 

[Rich]

It could be an important realisation for you.

This is the 'First Initiation' and was written my Mme Jeanne de Salzmann:

The First Initiation
You will see that in life you receive exactly what you give. Your life is the mirror of what you are. It is in your image. You are passive, blind, demanding. You take all, you accept all, without feeling any obligation. Your attitude toward the world and toward life is the attitude of one who has the right to make demands and to take, who has no need to pay or to earn. You believe that all things are your due, simply because it is you! All your blindness is there! ...

You live exclusively according to "I like" or "I don't like," you have no appreciation except for yourself. You recognize nothing above you-theoretically, logically, perhaps, but actually no. That is why you are demanding and continue to believe that everything is cheap and that you have enough in your pocket to buy everything you like. You recognize nothing above you, either outside yourself or inside. That is why, I repeat, you have no measure and live passively according to your likes and dislikes.

Yes, your "appreciation of yourself" blinds you. It is the biggest obstacle to a new life. You must be able to get over this obstacle, this threshold, before going further.

This test divides men into two kinds: the "wheat" and the "chaff." No matter how intelligent, how gifted, how brilliant a man may be, if he does not change his appreciation of himself, there will be no hope for an inner development, for a work toward self-knowledge, for a true becoming. He will remain such as he is all his life.

The first requirement, the first condition, the first test for one who wishes to work on himself is to change his appreciation of himself. He must not imagine, not simply believe or think, but see things in himself which he has never seen before, see them actually. His appreciation will never be able to change as long as he sees nothing in himself. And in order to see, he must learn to see; this is the first initiation of man into self- knowledge.

... If he sees one time he can see a second time, and if that continues he will no longer be able not to see. This is the state to be looked for, it is the aim of our observation; it is from there that the true wish will be born, the irresistible wish to become: from cold we shall become warm, vibrant; we shall be touched by our reality.

Today we have nothing but the illusion of what we are. We think too highly of ourselves. We do not respect ourselves. In order to respect myself, I have to recognize a part in myself which is above the other parts, and my attitude toward this part should bear witness to the respect that I have for it. In this way I shall respect myself. And my relations with others will be governed by the same respect.

You must understand that all the other measures-talent, education, culture, genius-are changing measures, measures of detail. The only exact measure, the only unchanging, objective real measure is the measure of inner vision. I see-I see myself-by this, you have measured. With one higher real part, you have measured another lower part, also real. And this measure, defining by itself the role of each part, will lead you to respect for yourself.

But you will see that it is not easy. And it is not cheap. You must pay dearly. For bad payers, lazy people, parasites, no hope. You must pay, pay a lot, and pay immediately, pay in advance. Pay with yourself. By sincere, conscientious, disinterested efforts. The more you are prepared to pay without economizing, without cheating, without any falsification, the more you will receive. And from that time on you will become acquainted with your nature. And you will see all the tricks, all the dishonesties that your nature resorts to in order to avoid paying hard cash. Because you have to pay with your ready-made theories, with your rooted convictions, with your prejudices, your conventions, your "I like" and "I don't like." Without bargaining, honestly, without pretending. Trying "sincerely" to see as you offer your counterfeit money.

Try for a moment to accept the idea that you are not what you believe yourself to be, that you overestimate yourself, in fact that you lie to yourself. That you always lie to yourself every moment, all day, all your life. That this lying rules you to such an extent that you cannot control it any more. You are the prey of lying. You lie, everywhere. Your relations with others-lies. The upbringing you give, the conventions-lies. Your teaching-lies. Your theories, your art-lies. Your social life, your family life-lies. And what you think of yourself-lies also.

But you never stop yourself in what you are doing or in what you are saying because you believe in yourself. You must stop inwardly and observe. Observe without preconceptions, accepting for a time this idea of lying. And if you observe in this way, paying with yourself, without self-pity, giving up all your supposed riches for a moment of reality, perhaps you will suddenly see something you have never before seen in yourself until this day.
You will see that you are different from what you think you are.

You will see that you are two.

One who is not, but takes the place and plays the role of the other. And one who is, yet so weak, so insubstantial, that he no sooner appears than he immediately disappears. He cannot endure lies. The least lie makes him faint away. He does not struggle, he does not resist, he is defeated in advance. Learn to look until you have seen the difference between your two natures, until you have seen the lies, the deception in yourself. When you have seen your two natures, that day, in yourself, the truth will be born.

 

[anart]

I'm not entirely sure what the point of all this is, but perhaps it's a start of something.

And, perhaps, it's the start of everything.

I could be way off in left field on this one, but it appears to me that over the past five to six months or so, many people have begun to 'feel' a more urgent internal 'agitation' and are getting the idea that the way they've been doing things, in regards to trying to awaken, isn't enough. This unpleasant sensation seems to be heightening until the person affected either gets more fully involved with this Work and 'gets off the fence', or they leave it completely because the 'unpleasant internal agitation' is too much.

Of course it could be that this sort of thing is occurring constantly and that it just appears to be more frequent in my 'area of interaction' - but it's difficult to not notice a bit of a trend. Perhaps things are heating up and, for many people, it's time to choose one thing or the other?

Anyway, it's what you do from here that matters - if you can utilize the disillusionment to move forward, as an alarm clock against falling back into confluence, then it might indeed change everything. :)

 

[PepperFritz]

If one could describe my mental state, it would often be [!!!], or if not, just disgust at the things/thoughts I'm capable of, or rather, lack of things I've done. I am an immature, irresponsible merde....

Obssessing about one's inadequacies can be used by the Self/Predator as a huge distraction from the Work, an excuse, if you will, for not just getting on with it. A turning point for me was to recognize the artificial nature of the "struggle", and simply surrender to a full and unconditional ACCEPTANCE that I am a completely worthless piece of sh*t.

I remind myself of that fact daily, so I can get on to the next question, which is "So?" Is it a reason not to undertake the Work? No. Is the fact that I am nowhere near being even partially awake and aware of my own nature a reason not to take the next tiny step towards being so? No. Is the fact that I will probably have to undergo several more lifetimes of 3rd density lessons before becoming an STO candidate a reason not to face the one immediately before me? No.

In short, when I have this kind of dialogue with myself, it is impossible to escape the conclusion that there is no excuse -- none -- to not just get on with it. When you let go of the delusion of self-importance and "spiritual status", and accept that you are NOTHING, you see that there's nowhere to go but forward. And, of course, it's not is not just something I did once and I was done -- for me it's a daily, hourly, sometimes minute-by-minute necessity, every time that my "I'm not succeeding/achieving anything, and I might as well just give up" program starts running. The only response is to just say "So?" "And?" and just continue on....

Also, remember that time is an illusion, so the notion that you are facing some kind of a deadline and not reaching certain goals "in time" is also just a program designed to distract you from your purpose.

Don't know if this will be helpful or not, just passing on my own experience, for what it is worth.

 

[D Rusak]

Let me share what brought me to this point....perhaps maybe I am finally starting to utilize some energy from the sex and emotional centers in the right way? For me, a big, er, block?, shall we call it? has involved romantic/sexual relationships, or my lack thereof. It is something that seems to take up much time and thought. There are times when I've been completely immobilized due to depression over such, although this was much more in my teens. My imagination is wayyy overactive, probably because it's this "exotic" thing I've not experienced. I do feel like there needs to be a balance, but I suppose I am confused. Recently (eg, last couple of months in particular, but overall since I have encountered the Work, I hesitate to say Work on myself since it's been so shoddy) I have felt more active in that way- more emotional, but also more physically inclined. Much of the time I can keep this under wraps, but occasionally when I have been drinking a bit, I do things that I probably would not if I were more fully conscious. Nothing really out there- but I feel some sort of guilt about "hooking up" with an individual who claims to be not interested in a relationship, even if it is with an individual that spurs me on mentally and spiritually. It is interesting because in dealings with this particular individual, after which we hook up, I think not originally intending to on both sides, this individual apologises, then reiterates that he would not like to be in a relationship with me. At first I usually feel fine or indifferent, but later on I feel quite angry. I am angry at him for various reasons, and more so, angry at myself for not remembering myself. It is strange because anger is a feeling that I have very rarely felt until recently. Either way, during both pre- and during- anger stages following a "hookup" I feel quite a surge in energy. I need less sleep, can concentrate better, and feel more motivated to work on both work and Work. Occasionally some of this energy is misdirected: It has been quite hard at times to not express the negative emotion of anger at this particular individual, and has resulted in one or two verbal outbursts, and an angry email or two. At some point the anger stage passes, and I am back to the stasis of doldrums- not having a large amount of energy, and feeling mopey about my lack of relationships/physical contact. I also feel a sense of confusion- is my anger justified? And why does that even matter? Am I really just trying to justify my expression of a "negative emotion"? I feel like I am worked up about such stupid things- someone treating me with a perceived lack of "respect" or "misleading" me provokes a larger reaction than the tragedy going on in Palestine, for instance, or forgetting to remember myself.

from ISOTM p256:

"Is complete sexual abstinence necessary for transmutation and is sexual abstinence, in general, useful for work on oneself?"

My thoughts upon reading this are- the law of three would indicate that there is no one answer, but anything to excess is probably not healthy. However, it seems like the sexual and emotional centers can be nasty little buggers, and could significantly distract one from the Work. So probably it would be useful.

G replies:

"Here there is not one but a number of questions....In the first place sexual abstinence is necessary for transmutation only in certain cases, that is, for certain types of people. For others it is not at all necessary. And with yet others it comes by itself when transmutation begins. I will explain this more clearly. For certain types a long and complete sexual abstinence is necessary for transmutation to begin; this means in other words that without a long and complete sexual abstinence transmutation will not begin. But once it has begin abstinence is no longer necessary. In other cases, that is, with other types, transmutation can begin in a normal sexual life- and on the contrary, can begin sooner and proceed better with a very great outward expenditure of sex energy. In the third case the beginning of transmutation does not require abstinence, but, having begun, transmutation takes the whole of sexual energy and puts an end to normal sexual life or the outward expenditure of sex energy.

Then the other question- 'Is sexual abstinence useful for the work or not?

It is useful if there is abstinence in all centers (me- how would one really achieve this?). If there is abstinence in one center and full liberty of imagination in the others, then there could be nothing worse. And still more, abstinence can be useful if a man knows what to do with the energy which he saves in this way. If he does not know what to do with it, nothing whatever can be gained by abstinence...it must again be remembered that only a person who is completely normal as regards sex has any chance in the work. Any kind of 'originality', strange tastes, strange desires, or, on the other hand, fears, constantly working 'buffers', must be destroyed from the very beginning....Speaking in general, there are only two correct ways of expending sexual energy-normal sexual life and transmutation. [Talks about abstinence generally being abnormal...then sex itself not being the issue, but abuse of sex] Everything connected with sex should be either pleasant or indifferent. (me- obviously, I'm pretty much the opposite of indifferent. There's an obvious imbalance that needs adressing.)

Since I seem to have a surge in energy that I can apply to useful work/Work, it seems that I may possibly fit the second type? Or, is this just the predator's mind throwing in this last-ditch effort to sidetrack me, the ace program up its sleeve, to prevent me from seeing the crux of the matter (which is...?)? A program that states, as I'm getting closer to doing Work, "Oh- you'll really get much more done/be more "balanced" if you're a good obyvatel with a relationship, regular/healthy physical contact, etc." This seems like it could be completely wishful thinking, or not. I don't know what to think. On the one hand, there seems to be an increase in energy/focus after the few instances I've had, but then why would it be so difficult for me to initiate/maintain a "normal sexual life", and I'm also thinking, a "normal emotional life", if it was truly beneficial to my aims? The two seem tied together, imo. My abstinence seems forced, but is it due to something "strange" in me- something out of balance that I haven't addressed? What is "normal", anyway, and how can I destroy in myself what's not? Is it really all just remembering myself?

Many of those in the G work (including G himself) were married/in relationships. I don't know if the fact that they were helped ground excess or even create useful energy, if used properly and consciously, or if it was wasting energy and they were trying to work over this. Law of three applies here, I would venture to say.

I am wondering what way I can work on things so that my emotional center directs energy the right way- so that I really truly get angry at what I think I *should* be angry at- all of the stuff going on in the world that SOTT covers so well, and my inability to remember myself. I have tried being more physically active- I don't really feel like I am burning off any excess energy, or conversely, gaining useful energy, by doing so. "Physically active" for me involves biking 5-10 miles a day at least, dancing once or twice a week, tennis twice a week, and at least 15-20 minutes of yoga/stretching every day. I've also been trying to give myself regular reiki treatments but I often fall asleep while doing so. Anart, I will try your suggestion offered in another thread about holding the anger energy down under the neck...do you think that I would be able to sustain energy to study more for a longer period of time? Do you have any idea of what exactly this is "doing" anyway?

For me I feel that if I can resolve this issue, it will be a big block removed in Working. I don't know if that's complete wishful thinking or what. I don't want to be distracted by this whole thing any longer.

 

[D Rusak]

[quote author=PepperFritz]

Obssessing about one's inadequacies can be used by the Self/Predator as a huge distraction from the Work, an excuse, if you will, for not just getting on with it. A turning point for me was to recognize the artificial nature of the "struggle", and simply surrender to a full and unconditional ACCEPTANCE that I am a completely worthless piece of sh*t.

I remind myself of that fact daily, so I can get on to the next question, which is "So?" Is it a reason not to undertake the Work? No. Is the fact that I am nowhere near being even partially awake and aware of my own nature a reason not to take the next tiny step towards being so? No. Is the fact that I will probably have to undergo several more lifetimes of 3rd density lessons before becoming an STO candidate a reason not to face the one immediately before me? No.

In short, when I have this kind of dialogue with myself, it is impossible to escape the conclusion that there is no excuse -- none -- to not just get on with it. When you let go of the delusion of self-importance and "spiritual status", and accept that you are NOTHING, you see that there's nowhere to go but forward. And, of course, it's not is not just something I did once and I was done -- for me it's a daily, hourly, sometimes minute-by-minute necessity, every time that my "I'm not succeeding/achieving anything, and I might as well just give up" program starts running. The only response is to just say "So?" "And?" and just continue on....

Also, remember that time is an illusion, so the notion that you are facing some kind of a deadline and not reaching certain goals "in time" is also just a program designed to distract you from your purpose.
[/quote]

You posted this while I was posting mine, and this is totally helpful. I will keep this at the forefront of my mind.

 

[Bo]

D rusak.


I don't think you have a lack of knowledge, I think the real problem is lack of faith in what you want to achieve or DO, doubts about what you really want.

And everyone doing the work has gone trough a similar process as you are going, not exactly the same, but at least somehow similar. You want to do so much, that you don't even know what you have done anymore. You are to much focused on ''time is running out''.

Go with the flow m8, don't rush things, baby steps. You don't need to know everything within 1 week or something.
The thing that makes you different from ''normal'' people is that you are at least trying, doing.

You chose for this path, and sadness and confusion will cross your paths millions of times, but they are great lessons, don't dwell in them, but try to learn from them.

I really have the feeling that you want to rush through everything.

But my advice to you would be, take some time free, try to settle down some things in your mind and start with 1 thing then proceed to another, don't try to rush things.

don't let your emotional centre blind your intellectual centre.

 

[PepperFritz]

For me, a big, er, block?, shall we call it? has involved romantic/sexual relationships, or my lack thereof. It is something that seems to take up much time and thought. There are times when I've been completely immobilized due to depression over such, although this was much more in my teens. My imagination is wayyy overactive, probably because it's this "exotic" thing I've not experienced. I do feel like there needs to be a balance, but I suppose I am confused....

My heart responds to your post, as it echoes much of what I struggled with as well as a young woman. Part of me wishes that I could give you the wisdom of middle-aged experience, so that you do not have to go through what I did. The other part knows that there is no way to avoid the lessons you are here to learn. For many (at least for me, and perhaps also for you), at a certain stage of life the arena of sex/romance/"love"/relationships, etc. is where all the lessons happen. Our interactions with others in this area involve our deepest desires and fears, our most intense emotions, and the worst aspects of our STS natures. I don't think "abstinence" is necessarily the answer; that's a little like wanting to skip a grade in math so that you don't have to deal with algebra. Sooner or later you must learn your lessons and you might as well get to it.

Self-awareness and self-observation are all. Not as a way of avoiding mistakes, pain, heartache, etc. (because you can't!), but as a way of learning the objective reality of STS human relationships all that sooner. Your lessons may be entirely different, but for me they involved recognizing the fact that most "romantic" relationships involve tacit agreements to "feed" off each other, something we cannot avoid as STS beings. The key is to see YOURSELF involved in this feeding to the same degree as your "partner", to not automatically see yourself as a "victim", and the OTHER as "predator". In that way we learn to feel compassion both for ourselves and for those we have relationships and interactions with. Watch. Observe. Reflect. Learn. In time you may begin to interact with others differently, to learn the true nature of "love". But remember: Your own immediate "goal" may not be the "goal" from the perspective of the larger picture. In that respect it is important to not be "driven" by your own agenda. Stay open.

Gurdjieff teaches that the Work is to be done within the context of normal, everyday life, not on some remote mountain top cut off from the world and other people. Do not coddle and pity yourself when you fall down in this area; keep getting up and dusting yourself off, and living your life. But do not condemn yourself either. Be compassionate towards the struggling child that you are. Realize that everyday you are exactly where you should be, doing exactly what you need to be doing. The key is to be FULLY ENGAGED in the events of your life, and to become ever more self-aware and self-observant in what you do, so that you are able to LEARN from the challenges before you.

These are just ramblings on my part, things that your post stirred me to say. I'm glad you are participating in this forum, where you have access to an incredible wealth of KNOWLEDGE, and the feedback of other members. The "networking" aspect of the Work cannot be overstated.

 

[Buddy]

So often I am afraid to post because I think I do not know enough, I'm afraid of my lack of knowledge being revealed and shot down (duh- that would be good, then I'd learn something. Self-importance, aie!) I tell myself that I don't want to create noise, but then I don't really learn.

D Rusak,
I can relate to several items in your post, especially the one I'm quoting.

My first few posts were done with trembling hands. I was nervous for the same reasons you explain. I felt that I could never match the clarity of mind and depth of knowledge that other forum members seem to possess.
Also, I tend toward a 'wayyy overactive' imagination as well sometimes. Heck, My first post never even got a response! After awhile I thought "oh crap!, The C's have warned everyone that I'm a psychopath who's trying to invade the forum to disrupt everything! I bet everyone will be watching my next posts and just ignore me until I step out of line, whereupon, I would be pounced on and banned!" Fortunately, that hasn't happened.
I don't have a lot of insight, relating to the Work, to offer you at this point because I'm still assimilating it, but I would encourage you to continue doing exactly what you're doing. When you have doubts, fears or whatever, just post them! It seems as long as you're a part of this group, someone will be here to help you as they've helped me so far.