Courageous Inmate Sort
Jedi Master
For a couple of months I've been considering how to write a post asking for help. While trying to find firm footing in a "life that is not materially evident but is only a dream" I've been trying to put myself together and get a handle on things after suffering a really long period of nihilistic depression, with a modicum of success. Not long ago I realized I do not need to and do not want to go through this alone anymore. Nevertheless, asking for assistance has proved a daunting task and I’ve been stuck at weaving together all that I would like to put on the table.
I have also tried really hard to understand and evaluate whatever connection I might have with this group and the implications arising thereof, after all I've been a student, however reluctant, for more than a decade now. All my attempts were basically rational/intellectual in the sense of weighing evidence, considering my past history and how it was/may have been affected by what is taught and discussed here and so forth.
Then something quite strange and unexpected happened, which I recount below. I plan to get back to all of the above as soon as I'm able but this takes precedence as I do not want to risk my shortcomings preventing this account from seeing the light of day. It felt a significant event to me and maybe others can also benefit, even if only by the knowledge of its mere existence, whatever you make of its content.
Let me preamble by saying that, in relation to whatever goodness I may have in me, over the years I've only been able to rationally ascertain that I'm most likely not a psychopath because to not purposefully inflict harm on others is a pretty good rule and I know I'm able to feel for another because I have experienced it. I have consciously chosen to make effort to be a good person long ago but success is still a matter of much doubt.
The trigger
So, about two weeks ago I was glancing at a Quillette piece about Jordan Peterson and chivalry, kind of reading it diagonally, more interested in the chivalry part. In parallel I was reading about important historical battles and I was thinking about war, battles, heroism, suffering and sacrifice after watching the latest Game of Thrones episode. The scene where the young girl sacrifices herself to defeat the giant undead troll was in my mind.
Near the end of the Quillette article a section caught my attention. It was about how Peterson handled a couple of cases of people climbing up on stage. I already knew about one of them where a young man in crisis jumped on stage in a cry for help. At the very end of the article one finds this short story:
When I got to the highlighted sentences my eyes filled up with tears. I kept reading until the end of the article and came back to those sentences. "It's fine. I understand. You were just trying to show me the tree". I began to cry. "It's fine. I understand". I couldn't stop crying and I was engulfed by some deep kind of sorrow.
I sat there crying with these words repeating in my mind. "It's fine. I understand". So much sorrow. After a while I began to notice it was not only sorrow, I was feeling a strange mixture of sorrow and joy, there was even some ineffable beauty in it, and a faint sense of relief, of liberation. "It's fine. I understand". I gradually became amazed and grateful while feeling this potent joyful sorrow at this idea that someone understands. SOMEONE understands! That simple idea just seemed like the greatest thing ever.
Feeling sorrow and joy at the same time was something quite unique and confusing to the conscious mind. While it was happening I remember questioning myself: what is this? Is it sorrow? Is it joy? Is it sorrow AND joy? How can this be? It was not grief, I was not unhappy, I was not in pain. There was sadness but it did not feel negative. On the contrary, I was glad to be experiencing that moment, I was grateful and I was joyful. And a joy so pure, so limpid, it was most certainly not some pleasant sensation from the body. I had never felt anything remotely like it. The mere fact that such experience exists humbled me to no end.
"It's fine. I understand." Well, I couldn't understand why I was crying so much but I kept returning to these words. Sure, I could see it was a noble gesture by Peterson but I had no idea why it moved me to such extent. Plus, I'm not prone to crying at all.
The mind had many questions but the heart had none, it seemed perfectly at ease and confident in the path it was leading me.
(to be continued...)
I have also tried really hard to understand and evaluate whatever connection I might have with this group and the implications arising thereof, after all I've been a student, however reluctant, for more than a decade now. All my attempts were basically rational/intellectual in the sense of weighing evidence, considering my past history and how it was/may have been affected by what is taught and discussed here and so forth.
Then something quite strange and unexpected happened, which I recount below. I plan to get back to all of the above as soon as I'm able but this takes precedence as I do not want to risk my shortcomings preventing this account from seeing the light of day. It felt a significant event to me and maybe others can also benefit, even if only by the knowledge of its mere existence, whatever you make of its content.
Let me preamble by saying that, in relation to whatever goodness I may have in me, over the years I've only been able to rationally ascertain that I'm most likely not a psychopath because to not purposefully inflict harm on others is a pretty good rule and I know I'm able to feel for another because I have experienced it. I have consciously chosen to make effort to be a good person long ago but success is still a matter of much doubt.
The trigger
So, about two weeks ago I was glancing at a Quillette piece about Jordan Peterson and chivalry, kind of reading it diagonally, more interested in the chivalry part. In parallel I was reading about important historical battles and I was thinking about war, battles, heroism, suffering and sacrifice after watching the latest Game of Thrones episode. The scene where the young girl sacrifices herself to defeat the giant undead troll was in my mind.
Near the end of the Quillette article a section caught my attention. It was about how Peterson handled a couple of cases of people climbing up on stage. I already knew about one of them where a young man in crisis jumped on stage in a cry for help. At the very end of the article one finds this short story:
I close with one more story, courtesy of a UK fan who recently came forward on FaceBook. At an event in Manchester, England, Peterson was sitting with Dave Rubin, discussing the mytheme of the Tree of Life. But some detail about how the Tree looked in a particular rendition was slipping his mind, so he abandoned the thread and moved on. A few moments later, a young audience member in the front row stood up and began climbing directly onto the stage in front of Peterson. Unlike the student who rushed the stage at Liberty U, he was not in a state of crisis. But it seemed clear to the fan watching up close that, like himself, this stage climber was on the autistic spectrum. As he scrambled up, he held out his phone strangely, seeming to offer it to Peterson.
Security swooped in from either side, ready to take an arm apiece and drag the boy away. But at a word from Peterson, they paused. Leaning over, in a low tone that the FaceBook correspondent could not describe, Peterson whispered, “It’s fine. I understand. You were just trying to show me the tree.”
To cast down the proud and lift up the lowly. To do justly and love mercy. To walk boldly, yet humbly. Herein is the art of manliness.
May its practitioners increase.
Source: Jordan Peterson, And the New Chivalry - by Esther O'Reilly
When I got to the highlighted sentences my eyes filled up with tears. I kept reading until the end of the article and came back to those sentences. "It's fine. I understand. You were just trying to show me the tree". I began to cry. "It's fine. I understand". I couldn't stop crying and I was engulfed by some deep kind of sorrow.
I sat there crying with these words repeating in my mind. "It's fine. I understand". So much sorrow. After a while I began to notice it was not only sorrow, I was feeling a strange mixture of sorrow and joy, there was even some ineffable beauty in it, and a faint sense of relief, of liberation. "It's fine. I understand". I gradually became amazed and grateful while feeling this potent joyful sorrow at this idea that someone understands. SOMEONE understands! That simple idea just seemed like the greatest thing ever.
Feeling sorrow and joy at the same time was something quite unique and confusing to the conscious mind. While it was happening I remember questioning myself: what is this? Is it sorrow? Is it joy? Is it sorrow AND joy? How can this be? It was not grief, I was not unhappy, I was not in pain. There was sadness but it did not feel negative. On the contrary, I was glad to be experiencing that moment, I was grateful and I was joyful. And a joy so pure, so limpid, it was most certainly not some pleasant sensation from the body. I had never felt anything remotely like it. The mere fact that such experience exists humbled me to no end.
"It's fine. I understand." Well, I couldn't understand why I was crying so much but I kept returning to these words. Sure, I could see it was a noble gesture by Peterson but I had no idea why it moved me to such extent. Plus, I'm not prone to crying at all.
The mind had many questions but the heart had none, it seemed perfectly at ease and confident in the path it was leading me.
(to be continued...)