Sharing personal experiences

[Soul]

Can"t well title this post.
Hello people! Its been very long I last communicated anything, like a year ago. I have once in a while visted the forum and read a few posts, which the whole scenarial hasn't been good. In short I have always felt so much detatched and vulnerable.

There is a digraceful here.

 

[Nachtweide]

Hello Soul, we're glad you found your way back to the forum. Perhaps you'd like to tell us what's on your mind. We'll listen to you and, if possible, provide answers. So don't be afraid.

 

[Soul]

Here is the disgrace that I must speak out.

I fell like I can't keep it to my. My story is along one but I will summarise it possibly. I feel like others can learn one or two things from it and its a step towards my own recovery.

I understand that many couples go through a lot of hustles too, and mine is not exceptional.
On my side, I can say for 20 yrs in marriage I have rarely been happy. I feel my marriage has been deeply energy draining (emotionally). I have throught thought one day I will meet a right person for me. Thats not to say I am too perfect for the woman I have. I have my own weaknesses too of course.

It happened that at some time in July last yr I travelled to a town accompanied by a lady who was a good friend of my wife. Along the journey, she narrated her own mariage story; how irresponsible the husband over his five children he was, how abbusive he was to her, and he had just resigned from his job on account that the job was too hard for him and that she was planning to divorce her husband.

I had known this lady for some years. Her family is very close to ours. At this time, we were on our way to another town for a business, the journey organised by my wife. We arrived midnight and booked a single room at the hotel. This was the beginning of all the emotional attachment although we did not have any sexual relationship for two nights in that hotel.

What attracted us towards each other was the like-mindedness. We also felt what is commonly called love after a long period without any. We came back home. She continued processing her divorce. However, I was against her idea to divorce the husband. I organised for meeting on two occasions just to encourage them to stay together but she went on and divorced. For sure I feared that the husband would think I caused his wife to divorce him.

This relationship has continued upto now. And exactly as I thought, the former husband says she divorced him after she travellled with me, meaning, she found a better person (myself). My wife also suspects everything and I am too not happy to put her in this situation. Of late I discussed with the lady to find ways on how we can end the relationship, it seems impossible. Recently, dispite my very strong affection for her, I informed her the relationship has ended. She became depressed and sick until the following day I just reversed my words.

On the other hand I always feel strong and "with a real friend" when am with her. Nevertheless, I am afraid should everthing come to light

My mind tells me am acting selfishly to my wife dispite all I have gone through with her. This is what is killing me. I never planned of breaking her heart. I have always wanted her to live at peace. This is hard stuff.

My situation makes me think I cannot be close to the members of this forum but I can't go anywhere. Better I say all this openly. I need to be saved. I am seeking sto life.

Please, to whoever can learn one thing from my experience, I can only say safeguard yourselves during whatever marrital conflicts you may have. Make no mistake puting yourself in line of fire.
It remains my own responsibility to work out the mess. Those who can advise are welcome.

 

[Soul]

Hello Soul, we're glad you found your way back to the forum. Perhaps you'd like to tell us what's on your mind. We'll listen to you and, if possible, provide answers. So don't be afraid.

Happy and glad I have organised some strength to speak to you all again. Thank you for the welcome

 

[iamthatis]

Here is the disgrace that I must speak out.

I fell like I can't keep it to my. My story is along one but I will summarise it possibly. I feel like others can learn one or two things from it and its a step towards my own recovery.

I understand that many couples go through a lot of hustles too, and mine is not exceptional.
On my side, I can say for 20 yrs in marriage I have rarely been happy. I feel my marriage has been deeply energy draining (emotionally). I have throught thought one day I will meet a right person for me. Thats not to say I am too perfect for the woman I have. I have my own weaknesses too of course.

It happened that at some time in July last yr I travelled to a town accompanied by a lady who was a good friend of my wife. Along the journey, she narrated her own mariage story; how irresponsible the husband over his five children he was, how abbusive he was to her, and he had just resigned from his job on account that the job was too hard for him and that she was planning to divorce her husband.

I had known this lady for some years. Her family is very close to ours. At this time, we were on our way to another town for a business, the journey organised by my wife. We arrived midnight and booked a single room at the hotel. This was the beginning of all the emotional attachment although we did not have any sexual relationship for two nights in that hotel.

What attracted us towards each other was the like-mindedness. We also felt what is commonly called love after a long period without any. We came back home. She continued processing her divorce. However, I was against her idea to divorce the husband. I organised for meeting on two occasions just to encourage them to stay together but she went on and divorced. For sure I feared that the husband would think I caused his wife to divorce him.

This relationship has continued upto now. And exactly as I thought, the former husband says she divorced him after she travellled with me, meaning, she found a better person (myself). My wife also suspects everything and I am too not happy to put her in this situation. Of late I discussed with the lady to find ways on how we can end the relationship, it seems impossible. Recently, dispite my very strong affection for her, I informed her the relationship has ended. She became depressed and sick until the following day I just reversed my words.

On the other hand I always feel strong and "with a real friend" when am with her. Nevertheless, I am afraid should everthing come to light

My mind tells me am acting selfishly to my wife dispite all I have gone through with her. This is what is killing me. I never planned of breaking her heart. I have always wanted her to live at peace. This is hard stuff.

My situation makes me think I cannot be close to the members of this forum but I can't go anywhere. Better I say all this openly. I need to be saved. I am seeking sto life.

Please, to whoever can learn one thing from my experience, I can only say safeguard yourselves during whatever marrital conflicts you may have. Make no mistake puting yourself in line of fire.
It remains my own responsibility to work out the mess. Those who can advise are welcome.

Without knowing details, it's hard to give advice. Have you and your wife considered marriage counselling, or anything like that? Have you read the psychology books in the recommended reading list? What efforts have you made so far? I ask because although it sounds nice, we will not be 'saved' - we can only save ourselves through growing in Knowledge and Being and changing our thinking. And networking - which you're doing! So it's a good first step.

 

[Beau]

I had known this lady for some years. Her family is very close to ours. At this time, we were on our way to another town for a business, the journey organised by my wife. We arrived midnight and booked a single room at the hotel. This was the beginning of all the emotional attachment although we did not have any sexual relationship for two nights in that hotel.

This was not appropriate for two married people. It is essentially emotional cheating on each of your partners. Not sure why you thought it okay to stay together in the same bed/hotel room.

My situation makes me think I cannot be close to the members of this forum but I can't go anywhere. Better I say all this openly. I need to be saved. I am seeking sto life.

It is up to you to save yourself and live a life according to service to others. No one can do it for you.

 

[Soul]

Without knowing details, it's hard to give advice. Have you and your wife considered marriage counselling, or anything like that? Have you read the psychology books in the recommended reading list? What efforts have you made so far? I ask because although it sounds nice, we will not be 'saved' - we can only save ourselves through growing in Knowledge and Being and changing our thinking. And networking - which you're doing! So it's a good first step.

Thanks for your concern and sugestions. I can say I am coming from a background where I had bad reading culture. I have not read these books but am sure I will do as I am still reading. Yes we involved a number of counsellors until at some point (close to 5yrs ago) thought of divorce through the court but changed my mind to live with the pressures. I must make mention the fact that of late we have minimal challenges dispite scars from past hustles.

 

[Soul]

This was not appropriate for two married people. It is essentially emotional cheating on each of your partners. Not sure why you thought it okay to stay together in the same bed/hotel room.


It is up to you to save yourself and live a life according to service to others. No one can do it for you.

I agree. This was emotional cheating. As things happened we both fell victim of our own situations. Its a hard learning experience

 

[palestine]

Hello,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to post you a message of encouragement!

Reading your post shows some heavy feeling. I am not sure about that. What I can do is encourage you, and tell you to think rationally. I know it's about love so it's difficult. But at least, try not to get "sucked" into the "hole"... It distorts thought, etc. I felt that you maybe have some of this "active" right now, when reading your post:

My situation makes me think I cannot be close to the members of this forum but I can't go anywhere.

I need to be saved.

I am sincerely sorry. It appears to me that you would need first to alleviate a bit the "sucking" effect? That's to be able to think and function optimally. First things first: standing on two feet. Get the brain running. Tomorrow is another day and in six months you will have a whole different perspective than today. That's the sucking effect. It monopolizes the thoughts and paralyzes a bit the open mind. You may feel: "one road only", etc.

You can be close to the members of the forum! - they won't judge you. Some will tell you "hey why did you do that - it's bad" - But - such sincerity includes, too, not running away from you, and, on the opposite that what you may think, they would remain at your side...

So:

- I see you kind of despaired, and not able to get out of the momentum, or thinking clearly. That's understandable!
- People won't neglect you or not help you, here. You can be "close" to the members of the forum.

STO may be asking for a couple of things ... but I think that what they want is to see us proud of ourselves, standing on two feet, so that we can learn (and possibly, one day, learn a couple of 4D lessons, for example). It seems that it's more a long run project. I would say: don't be afraid of a "door closure". That's not how they function, that's not how the Universe works. They got "redemption" in their "bag". They can accept that somebody "fails" or does a mistake. Your thought includes an eliminatory statement, it seems. Let me tell you that I don't think that it is eliminatory, what happened to you. But they would tell you "ho-ho-ho what's this?!".

And then, on the matter itself, well, I don't know what to tell you. As you did not have sexual relationships, you still have some room. You could solve this, one scenario would imply forcing you a bit than to remain away from the new lady... Would it be possible for you to consider leaving this "episode" as it was, and going back to your normal days?

I am sorry, I don't have the words that others sometimes have, here. You could post in "The Swamp"? It gives more attention, both for you and others. You seem to need encouragement. People cannot know how you feel if you don't tell them. It may be of help for you to widen your perspective, and this can be done if you write more, and if you receive more comments. Try to think of this, then, posting in the Swamp.

 

[Soul]

Hello,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to post you a message of encouragement!

Reading your post shows some heavy feeling. I am not sure about that. What I can do is encourage you, and tell you to think rationally. I know it's about love so it's difficult. But at least, try not to get "sucked" into the "hole"... It distorts thought, etc. I felt that you maybe have some of this "active" right now, when reading your post:




I am sincerely sorry. It appears to me that you would need first to alleviate a bit the "sucking" effect? That's to be able to think and function optimally. First things first: standing on two feet. Get the brain running. Tomorrow is another day and in six months you will have a whole different perspective than today. That's the sucking effect. It monopolizes the thoughts and paralyzes a bit the open mind. You may feel: "one road only", etc.

You can be close to the members of the forum! - they won't judge you. Some will tell you "hey why did you do that - it's bad" - But - such sincerity includes, too, not running away from you, and, on the opposite that what you may think, they would remain at your side...

So:

- I see you kind of despaired, and not able to get out of the momentum, or thinking clearly. That's understandable!
- People won't neglect you or not help you, here. You can be "close" to the members of the forum.

STO may be asking for a couple of things ... but I think that what they want is to see us proud of ourselves, standing on two feet, so that we can learn (and possibly, one day, learn a couple of 4D lessons, for example). It seems that it's more a long run project. I would say: don't be afraid of a "door closure". That's not how they function, that's not how the Universe works. They got "redemption" in their "bag". They can accept that somebody "fails" or does a mistake. Your thought includes an eliminatory statement, it seems. Let me tell you that I don't think that it is eliminatory, what happened to you. But they would tell you "ho-ho-ho what's this?!".

And then, on the matter itself, well, I don't know what to tell you. As you did not have sexual relationships, you still have some room. You could solve this, one scenario would imply forcing you a bit than to remain away from the new lady... Would it be possible for you to consider leaving this "episode" as it was, and going back to your normal days?

I am sorry, I don't have the words that others sometimes have, here. You could post in "The Swamp"? It gives more attention, both for you and others. You seem to need encouragement. People cannot know how you feel if you don't tell them. It may be of help for you to widen your perspective, and this can be done if you write more, and if you receive more comments. Try to think of this, then, posting in the Swamp.

All of your words are strengthening. They are speaking to my weak inner self who feels like the situation is too complicated to come out. I know I can stand on my grounds and declare the end of this relationship but am sure at this point this where many people fail; the fear to heartbreak someone, even when its about our own life or death matter. Indeed its a pit. Thanks a great deal for the time you have for me.

 

[palestine]

All of your words are strengthening. They are speaking to my weak inner self who feels like the situation is too complicated to come out. I know I can stand on my grounds and declare the end of this relationship but am sure at this point this where many people fail; the fear to heartbreak someone, even when its about our own life or death matter. Indeed its a pit. Thanks a great deal for the time you have for me.

Hey, no problem! I care and I thought that some words would be of help.

My mind is slow and precise answers sometimes come within days. I must never rush which is a problem with me.

Telling you this because I thought of better words than my post, afterwards. I wished that I was able to formulate you the most accurate words for an idea that I was willing to convey you. Overall, you may be isolated in your thought processes and you may greatly benefit from takes that would have the effect of calming you, decreasing the feeling of "mono-road", and widenening your perspective(s).

That's because you are alone to think of the matter so you come out with specific "takes" (X or Y or Z). The takes depend on your mind exclusively.

That's a common effect, when we are in some "mud". We tend to have a restriction of our view. Our perspective is "narrow" and this, in turns, makes us feel "helpless" (it varies!). But we feel bad, partly because of this restriction. The outcome may be black and white, in your situation (speaking out, keeping the matter unknown, closing the relationship) - but, what makes us suffer is, too, "how we deal with it".

The restriction thing is difficult to spot. A matter becomes to see this taking place, dealing with it and trying to get some "room" and not go to "funneling" mode (if we can).

The thing not to do would be to listen to bad advices. (Too) many people would tell you "get a good bender", things like that. When we have that sort of narrow view on the situation, we tend to rush to immediate solutions which aren't really. I am saying this to you because I don't know you. The idea is "don't do anything stupid". You see the idea - that's an obstacle which can be on the road in the circumstances that you describe. The words "dont' be stupid" is a catch-all phrase perfectly explaining the obstacle. (Nobody is stupid, here, but we can sometimes do stupid things.). I dont' know you, so just telling you about that one.

I don't believe that you are "weak", neither would your inner self be "weak"! More precise would be "temporarily weak", or "temporarily affected"! That's who we are.. We have the abilities in ourselves, to be great, at one moment, to be weak, at another. This shows that when we are those, it's not "all we are", but it's temporary. Take strength in yourself, and don't depreciate yourself too much! It's good than to "humiliate" yourself, in the spiritual definition meaning of the word (but not according to the folk wisdom's definition - "pushing one self lower and forcibly seeking suffering of punishment" - something like that!).

Internet posts on a forum barely accounts for people's situations. I would like to ask you: how do you feel? Is it "bad" or is it "surmountable"? I wish you good peace!

 

[palestine]

@Soul I forgot one thing that I wanted to tell you (see, I am rushing too much and forget the important parts!)

Have you been praying? Something like:

"Oh Service to Others, I am in deep doo-doo and ..."

This is something that seems to be part of our human experience and requirements. You would just "throw" this like a bottle at the sea, without expectation of any results - just as an additional "procedure" let's say. No anticipation for whatever, etc. Just praying it. Asking for help to the Service. A couple of times a day. Without this, I would be nothing myself. It seems that this is something that must become part of ourselves, literally. Like eating, sleeping.

 

[Soul]

@Soul I forgot one thing that I wanted to tell you (see, I am rushing too much and forget the important parts!)

Have you been praying? Something like:

"Oh Service to Others, I am in deep doo-doo and ..."

This is something that seems to be part of our human experience and requirements. You would just "throw" this like a bottle at the sea, without expectation of any results - just as an additional "procedure" let's say. No anticipation for whatever, etc. Just praying it. Asking for help to the Service. A couple of times a day. Without this, I would be nothing myself. It seems that this is something that must become part of ourselves, literally. Like eating, sleeping.

@Soul I forgot one thing that I wanted to tell you (see, I am rushing too much and forget the important parts!)

Have you been praying? Something like:

"Oh Service to Others, I am in deep doo-doo and ..."

This is something that seems to be part of our human experience and requirements. You would just "throw" this like a bottle at the sea, without expectation of any results - just as an additional "procedure" let's say. No anticipation for whatever, etc. Just praying it. Asking for help to the Service. A couple of times a day. Without this, I would be nothing myself. It seems that this is something that must become part of ourselves, literally. Like eating, sleeping.

Hello Palestine! Once again I treasure all your suggestions and words of encouragements. I can tell you right now I feel like just closing my eyes and shuting the door to this insanity. However, I can see that the idea of prayer in the first place will lead the way out. I will appreciate if you shared the whole of that prayer. I know conditions may look insurmountable as it is but I feel that thats not a true feeling because I have the right to choose my own destiny. I am constantly figuring out the way out but without crushing someones emotions. I appreciate your input Palestine, but sorry for making you at this time feel the weight of the yoke am carrying. Kindly share the Prayer.

 

[T.C.]

I am constantly figuring out the way out but without crushing someones emotions.

In this life there is no free lunch.

I know I can stand on my grounds and declare the end of this relationship but am sure at this point this where many people fail; the fear to heartbreak someone

The problem is you are not willing to pay the price to fix the situation you helped to create. If you have spent 20 years unhappily married it’s probably for the same reason: you don’t want to feel bad.

It’s not weakness that you suffer from, it’s selfishness. You believe you care about how your wife and this other woman are feeling, but the main feelings you are interested in are your own.

 

[Soul]

In this life there is no free lunch.



The problem is you are not willing to pay the price to fix the situation you helped to create. If you have spent 20 years unhappily married it’s probably for the same reason: you don’t want to feel bad.

It’s not weakness that you suffer from, it’s selfishness. You believe you care about how your wife and this other woman are feeling, but the main feelings you are interested in are your own.

I have never seen it in the way have presented it. I think you could be very correct. Thanks TC for that thought