Sociopath-induced distress and trauma
Individuals who have been targeted by a sociopath often respond with self-deprecating statements like ‘I was stupid’, ‘What was I thinking?’ or ‘I should’ve listened to my gut instinct.’ But being involved with a sociopath is like being brainwashed. The sociopath’s superficial charm is usually the means by which he or she conditions people. On initial contact a sociopath will often test other people’s empathy, so questions geared towards discovering whether you are highly empathetic or not should ring alarm bells. Those with a highly empathetic disposition are often targeted. Those who have lower levels of empathy are often passed over, though they may be drawn in and used by sociopaths as part of their cruel entertainment, as we discuss later in the book.
Those living with a sociopath usually exist in a state of constant emotional chaos. They may feel anxious and afraid, not knowing when the sociopath will fly into a rage. The sociopath meanwhile carries on untouched, using aggression, violence or emotional bullying to abuse his or her partner. Sociopaths are often aggressive, though not all of them exhibit violent or criminal behaviour. Aggression is not limited to men either; sociopathic women can be aggressive and violent too. Sociopaths make up 25 per cent of the prison population, committing more than twice as many violent and aggressive acts as other criminals do. Violent sociopaths who cheat on their partners or defraud people are the ones most likely to get caught. According to Robert Hare, the author of Without Conscience, in the United States approximately 20 per cent of male and female prisoners are sociopaths. They commit more than twice as many violent and aggressive acts as do other criminals and are responsible for more than 50 per cent of all serious crimes. When they get out of prison, they often return to crime. The reoffending rate of sociopaths is about double that of other offenders and for violent crimes it is triple.5
As well as inflicting physical trauma on others, there is the added and less visible burden of sociopath-induced emotional trauma, which if left unchecked can lead to anxiety disorders, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Chronically traumatized people often exhibit hyper-vigilant, anxious and agitated behaviour. They may also experience insomnia and assorted somatic (bodily) symptoms such as tension headaches, gastrointestinal disturbances, abdominal pain, back pain, tremors and nausea. Exposure to and interaction with a sociopath in childhood can leave lifelong scars, including a deep mistrust of other people and anxiety in social situations. Yet for all these problems, no one knows the true extent or depth of mental anguish suffered by those on the receiving end of chronic sociopathic abuse, because in the majority of cases the physical and mental health problems either go undetected or the root cause is overlooked.
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The apath
In the context of any sociopathic interaction we call those that collude in the sport of the sociopath apathetic, or ‘apaths’ for short. An apath is the type of person most likely to do the sociopath’s bidding. Being apathetic in this situation means showing a lack of concern or being indifferent to the targeted person. In Chapter 3 we highlighted the importance of ‘seeing’ the problem for what it is via the tale of the Emperor’s New Clothes, which represents the collective denial and double standards that are often a feature of social life. The apath in this context is someone who is willing to be blind, i.e. not to see that the Emperor is naked.
Apaths are an integral part of the sociopath’s arsenal and contribute to sociopathic abuse; sociopaths have an uncanny knack of knowing who will assist them in bringing down the person they are targeting. It’s not necessarily easy to identify an apath from the outside. In other circumstances an apath may show ample empathy and concern for others, just not in this case. The one attribute an apath must have is some connection to the sociopath’s target. Hence close friends, siblings, parents and other close relations can become accomplices to the sociopath and be instrumental in the downfall of the targeted individual.
How apaths, who may otherwise be fair-minded people, become involved in such destructive business isn’t difficult to understand, though it can be hard to accept. The main qualifying attribute of the apath that renders him a willing accomplice is poor judgement resulting from lack of insight. This may be linked to reduced empathy for the targeted person. The apathetic person might bear a grudge, be jealous or angry, or have a sense of being let down by the individual concerned, and in consequence may be as keen as the sociopath to see the target defeated. Hence, the apath may be willing to join forces with the sociopath because he too has something to gain from the evolving situation.
At other times the apath doesn’t want to see ‘bad’ in others, so chooses not to see it. On still other occasions, he might choose not to see because he has enough on his plate and doesn’t possess the wherewithal or the moral courage to help the targeted person at that time. Usually, and whatever the reasons for his active or passive involvement, what happens during the course of interaction with a sociopath is that the apathetic person’s conscience appears to fall asleep. Apaths walk in and out of situations in a trance-like state. It is this scenario that causes people blindly to follow leaders motivated only by self-interest. We excuse bullying, outrages, even murder, on the grounds that the leader knows best, regarding the injured and maimed targets not as fellow humans, but as objects, as ‘it’.
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Within this majority group lurk the apaths, the foot-soldiers to the sociopath. Apaths are less able to see the situation for what it really is; their view of the bigger picture is obscured by their attitude to and opinion of the target, and by the sociopath’s mesmeric influence.
Apaths are often fearful people; individuals who feel they do not possess the level of skill required to confront a challenge. They are the ones most likely to go with the flow, to agree that the Emperor is wearing new clothes. But apaths may also fail to perceive any threat at all. A danger is of no importance if one denies its existence. An apath’s response to a sociopath’s call to arms can then result from a state of ‘learned helplessness’. Apaths behave defencelessly because they want to avoid unpleasant or harmful circumstances. Apathy is an avoidance strategy.
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Empathy is a shared emotion. To show empathy is emotionally to put yourself in the place of another. It is a learned phenomenon that requires emotional control and the capacity to distinguish oneself from others. Most of us possess the automatic ability to perceive and share others’ feelings. A baby listening to another baby cry will cry too. Unconsciously people mimic the facial expressions of those they see. The ability to empathize is directly dependent on your ability to feel your own feelings and identify what they are. If you have never felt a certain feeling, it will be hard for you to understand how someone else is experiencing that feeling.
An empath, in the context that we apply the term, is not a person with near magical powers. Empaths are ordinary people who are highly perceptive and insightful and belong to the 40 per cent of human beings who sense when something’s not right (those who respond to their ‘gut instinct’). Going back to our folktale, ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’, the empath is the boy who mentions the unmentionable: that the Emperor isn’t wearing any clothes.
Back in the 1990s, researchers suggested that there was a positive relationship between empathy and emotional intelligence.3 Since then that term has been used interchangeably with emotional literacy. What this means in practice is that empaths have the ability to understand their own emotions, to listen to other people and empathize with their emotions, to express emotions productively and to handle their emotions in such a way as to improve their personal power.
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The Sociopath-Empath-Apath Triad
For a sociopathic transaction to be effective it requires the following threesome: a sociopath, an empath and an apath. We call this the Sociopath-Empath-Apath Triad – SEAT for short. The usual set-up goes something like this: the empath is forced to make a stand on seeing the sociopath say or do something underhand. The empath challenges the sociopath, who straight away throws others off the scent and shifts the blame on to the empath. The empath becomes an object of abuse when the apath corroborates the sociopath’s perspective. Ultimately the situation usually ends badly for the empath, and sometimes also for the apath (if his conscience comes back to haunt him or subsequently he becomes an object of abuse himself). Frustratingly, however, the sociopath often gets off scot free.
Sociopaths rarely vary this tried and tested formula because it virtually guarantees them success. In fact, in almost every sociopathic interaction we know of, this interpersonal exchange is enacted. The sociopathic transaction relies heavily on the apathy of those close to the event or situation and highlights the importance of the apath in the transaction, as indicated in Figure 1 overleaf.
Sociopaths draw in apaths by numerous means: flattery, bribery, disorienting them with lies.
