Some Questions.

[luke wilson]

Thanks for the replies.

I think I am going to start a journal as Bud said. See if I can see any patterns. I have done the full EE meditation program in full once, this was last week. I must say that for like 2-3 days I felt really amazing - I didnt really put it down to the meditation, more like it was just one of those weeks - a good week, despite facing acouple of challenges I felt like it was a good week. Then I tried doing it again but I couldnt, I felt quite annoyed, quite angry - dont know why. Maybe repressed emotions?? So i decided to wait acouple of days and I will try again in acouple of days.

Also thanks for the advise about wishing for the wave. Yes I agree, it's just wishful thinking and it promotes sleeping and some kind of escapism. It appears I have alot of escapism in my life. If it's not alcohol (which I dont really drink anymore), it's wishing for the wave (which is something I have been reading quite alot about recently and in a way getting all excited and stuff), it's probably something else that I dont even realize. I suppose it'll have to take some Work to weed away all these forms of escapism.

Quote from Obyvatel

It could be a possibility that you are passively rebelling against the standards set by your parents since your heart is not in the activities that you are faced with at present. You can try to determine whether this indeed is the underlying dynamics of your situation or not.

Uhm in a way you are right, its just rebellion and its a reactionary mechanical rebellion at that. Not only at my parents but just what I feel is the unfairness of the world. Again, alot of WORK has to be done to get in control of this.

If someone decides to make this choice for oneself and take the first step towards true emotional independence, then it is important that such a choice is not based on reactionary rebelliousness but on an objective view about oneself.

Wow I admire this, uhmm it's quite amazing really. I am not at that place in my life where I can make a choice for myself despite being an adult. It just doesnt feel like the right time to truely gain this independence. Alot of work still has to be done to understand most of the dynamics involved. Infact just last night I was thinking about the last couple of days and yah I noticed that I really have to get organized (organisation is not one of my gifts) and incorparate this work into my daily life in a much more effective way. Sometimes during the heat of the moment like in daily life when the situation forces you to experience some emotions or act mechanically, I try to reeally self-observe, self-remember but its sooo hard... Its almost like you go into some kind of trance when you're locked between 2 states and cant fully engage with either side - the situation or one-self or sometimes as I lack knowledge and know-how about certain things, you find you need programmes to help you respond in a mechanical way, that is because, once you notice a certain programme you can easily jump on it and well use it in certain situations - but in this case I am very aware I am riding on the back of a programme and do so willingly- that is why I was asking if we had to get rid of all of them. It's also weird that sometimes one can find it easier to respond or act in a mechanical way as compared to the opposite. Its almost effortless, I have noticed this about myself especially in the last couple of days when I have been taking the easy way out just because well it's easy - made me feel really disappointed with myself.

Yes obyvatel, I know a degree is very important and I have actually never worked as hard as I have this year - except for the last couple of days when I felt like I just needed time off to regain focus and control, but I plan on getting back on the work-trail.

Thanks for the reply Acaja and also shellycheval. I really appreciate you guys taking some time out to offer help, advise and insight. It's priceless. I should start doing that myself. I have been here for like 4 weeks and havent posted on any other board except ones that I have started. I do read them but I dont feel like I possess enough knowledge to contribute yet. I hope to change that in the coming weeks/months...

Btw, what is POT meditation? Is it part of the EE programme or is it something different??

Anyways, I think this will be my last post for awhile. I feel abit guilty having spent so much time talking about myself and getting other people to offer there help and advise. Almost abit self-centered. Again, i'd like to say I appreciate it. Instead I'll spend my time doing some more reading, trying out the meditation programmes and attempting to do the work more effectively in daily life.

 

[Buddy]

Btw, what is POT meditation? Is it part of the EE programme or is it something different??

POTS refers to the "Prayer of the Soul" which comes at the end of the meditation and breathing practice on the audio download that was offered when it was first produced and made available for us. To me, it is extremely beautiful and is the perfect ending for that version of the EE program.

About the Wave...the only thing I would be concerned about is working on self-knowledge and the EE practice. Think about how to go about practicing self-observation so you can more easily see the difference between having attention stuck in the mind's talking to itself, and the actual experience of the present moment as it exists without all that automatic mental chatter and all those 'internal concerns'.

One way to envision how this works is to think of your mind/emotions as the surface of a lake or of the ocean. There are always waves on the water. Sometimes they are big, sometimes they are small, and sometimes they are almost imperceptible. The water's waves are churned up by winds, which come and go and vary in direction and intensity, just as do the winds of stress and change in our lives, which stir up waves in our minds.

People who don't understand meditation in general seem to think that it is some kind of special inner manipulation which will magically shut off these waves so that the mind's surface will be flat, peaceful, and tranquil. But just as you can't put a glass plate on the water to calm the waves, so you can't artificially suppress the waves of your mind, and it is not too smart to try. It will only create more tension and inner struggle that can be overwhelming in the beginning of Work. That doesn't mean that calmness is unattainable. It's just that it cannot be attained by attempts to suppress the mind's automatic activity.

It is possible through meditation to find a bit of shelter from much of the wind that agitates the mind and emotions. Over time,
a good deal of the turbulence may die down to a manageable level from lack of continuous feeding and some inner healing. But ultimately the winds of life and of the mind will blow, do what we may. Meditation and self-observation practice is about coming to know something about this stuff and how to work with it. The spirit of mindful self-observation practice was nicely captured, in my view, in a poster of a seventyish yogi, Swami Satchitananda, in full white beard and flowing robes atop a surfboard riding the waves off a Hawaiian beach. The caption read: "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." :)

Anyways, I think this will be my last post for awhile. I feel abit guilty having spent so much time talking about myself and getting other people to offer there help and advise. Almost abit self-centered. Again, i'd like to say I appreciate it. Instead I'll spend my time doing some more reading, trying out the meditation programmes and attempting to do the work more effectively in daily life.

I wouldn't stop posting from a feeling of guilt. I would post despite the guilt. Part of the Work that is useful in the beginning is to experiment with doing the opposite of what you feel like doing (in certain circumstances) to observe the effects. Actions and feelings may flow side by side, but feelings (guilt, for instance) don't have to be the 'cause' of anything. You can make good choices despite certain feelings because, in many cases, we really don't know where certain feelings come from. We just automatically assume they are related to what we are thinking of at the time.

Doing the Work more effectively can be enhanced by continuing to post and network while learning, osit.

 

[luke wilson]

Quote from Bud

I wouldn't stop posting from a feeling of guilt. I would post despite the guilt. Part of the Work that is useful in the beginning is to experiment with doing the opposite of what you feel like doing (in certain circumstances) to observe the effects.

I think either you or someone else has told me this before. I have tried implementing this in my daily life. Before I tried to avoid feeling certain things and my first post here was on how I could neutralize experiencing certain emotions and someone said that infact you want to experience this emotions(fire) as it enables you to learn and observe and notice certain things about oneself. So now I atleast dont run away from that which I was trying to avoid before. It's quite something being hit by certain emotions and just observing them cause havoc within you, powerful stuff, no amount of rationalization has the ability to tame those waters. For now all I can do is just observe, notice them and try and not to act mechanically, I still dont know how to discern the lessons that are meant to be learnt. Maybe that is a different skill.

Maybe you should watch the movie 'revolver' by Guy Ritchie. There is abit in there about facing that which you dont want to. Jason stathom at the beginning asks himself 'why should a man do that which he doesnt want to?' in his case using an elavator... I thought that movie was very insightful. Definately had an esoteric edge to it. I thought I should just share.