Jedi Council Member
Laura said:Odysseus said:In my case though , it is not so much about being RIGHT, but more about what is FAIR/JUST from my perspective (AND I am also RIGHT with this "(un)fairness assessment" of mine in the end). When the trigger sets in, usually I feel being treated unjustly and hurt in my feelings. The modus operandi is that i completely withdraw and go into this depicted frenzy of outlandish thinking all the while picturing/planing out crafty punishments/revenge scenarios (gosh, I really thought I'm the only sicko doing this!).
That's a hilarious way of putting it, but it is so, so true! No, you aren't the only one doing it, I think about everybody does it! And then, of course, you feel like you MUST be a bad person for having all those "evil thoughts" about so-and-so. Some part of you does see that the whole thing is out of proportion, that your reaction is something of a tempest in a teapot, but this part is very small and weak and can only be heard after some of the energy dissipates.
And then, of course, if the situation gets worked out (big IF!) and you find out that you reacted unfairly or inappropriately, you feel shame and guilt for having thought all those things, so that gets stuffed inside and just adds to the burden.
Much better and healthier to know that everybody does it, it's a sort of automatic defense mechanism of the unconscious, though the specific triggers can vary from person to person. Once you know that, you can then begin to look for the triggers, find out where they came from, and current situations to see if they have any relation to original programming, and begin to sort things out.
In some cases, the trigger is reacting to a valid threat, though you need to adjust the reaction. In some of these cases, you may tend to damp yourself down when you really ought to speak out or do something for your protection but you are running a "be nice" program over a "something is wrong here" program.
Very interesting. I want to share a recent incident that happened to me on the trip to Toronto. Usually even during trips I always try to be aware of what I eat and I am very specific sometimes. And I'm the type of person that will send the food back/return it if I feel something wrong with it.
So on one of the nights while checking out the city of Niagara, I ordered some meatballs from a food court in a casino/hotel. I figured it would be less harmful then the pizza. Big mistake.
And since it was late and a tourist location, the only choices were fast foods or really heavy restaurant food.
Now I haven’t had pasta, pizza, or meatballs for a while I think going back to the visit in Italy. All I have to say is after that trip even if I was not on the diet I don’t think I could ever eat what we call Italian food here in north America. In comparison its just tasteless junk.
Any who while I made this order I had to wait for the food. Since the order was small it unusually took a long time. During which my instincts told me, just go and cancel it. But I assumed that’s my impatience program and that this was a good test. So eventually the food arrives and I’m sitting far away from the counter and notice as the guy from the back hands my order to the register guy, he tells him something about the food, to which the other dude just shrugged his shoulders and called me over. Again I was having red flags but chose to ignore them because of black and white thinking. I self calmed by telling myself that this is my imagination and I’m thinking too much about it.
The last red flag was the food itself after two bites I stopped as it tasted funky. But the damage was done. I have had to deal with a nasty virus for the past couple of weeks, and just now I am starting to feel like myself again.
Moral of the story don’t eat meatballs. :P
But seriously it has been an interesting and painful lesson.
On another note, for a while now when I am "splitting", D and I ridicule my acting out by referring to my Larry David moment. Its pretty funny because as soon as I observe myself acting that way, I try to remember Larry David, and even though he my have some obscure valid point, the level of his ridiculous outrage is hilarious.
So with that said I have change my avatar to remind myself of “me”. ;D