Splitting as a Symptom of Internal Considering

[Odysseus]

I'm still catching up with the splitting thread (currently at page 6), but there are quite a few things which hit me on the head.
In particular the dealing with emotions by venting/acting out a drama in conjunction with this:

Since I'm sort of collecting examples here (and hope that ya'll will contribute other possible examples), there's a particular type of personality that works this way when splitting/internal considering takes hold:

First, they have rapid and overwhelming emotional reactions to whatever the trigger is, and start out from a state of being emotionally worked up. Then, the more this type thinks while in that state, the more s/he freaks out the self, so to say. And the more convinced s/he is that s/he is RIGHT about whatever.

The sad thing is that the more this person continues to "think", the more inaccurate, outlandish, irrational, out of proportion and out of context the thoughts become. This sort of person can drive themselves to do many things that are damaging to others but, in the long run, mostly to themselves.

So true! You can add me to the list of this particular splitting type.
Obviously, with this type of splitting personality there is no venting or a controlled "drama acting out". This is the worst case of a splitting scenario in terms of dealing with it.

In my case though , it is not so much about being RIGHT, but more about what is FAIR/JUST from my perspective (AND I am also RIGHT with this "(un)fairness assessment" of mine in the end). When the trigger sets in, usually I feel being treated unjustly and hurt in my feelings. The modus operandi is that i completely withdraw and go into this depicted frenzy of outlandish thinking all the while picturing/planing out crafty punishments/revenge scenarios (gosh, I really thought I'm the only sicko doing this!). Also, along the way I expect the person who delivered the trigger to notice what's bothering me and that him/her is the one to blame for saying/doing something "disrespectful" or "unjust". If there was some venting out on my side it was in all seriousness and all it's rage (verbally and with wild gesticulating).

Lately, in case of splitting (I'm still not seeing it coming), I seem to manage to at least not withdraw completely, and vent out in a controlled manner. With my spouse I even managed this sort of drama acting out, though also on a more controlled scale, both knowing, that I'm on a frenzy again and we could both laugh at it in the end. And this we did, because my condescending silence of "You_treated_me_unjustly_and_you_(should)_know_why--I'm_not_talking_to_you_anymore_until_you_get_this_straight_again_and_apologize" was to much to bear for her and we agreed, that next time "it clicks in me" I should come out with what is bothering me.

Seems these splittings of mine point into the direction, that I have some sort of self-righteousness issue paired with unworthiness feelings there...

Still, there's much to ponder and this thread with all the contributions and the depicted events and experiences is a gem on its own.

 

[Mike]

I'm still catching up with the splitting thread (currently at page 6), but there are quite a few things which hit me on the head.
In particular the dealing with emotions by venting/acting out a drama in conjunction with this:

Since I'm sort of collecting examples here (and hope that ya'll will contribute other possible examples), there's a particular type of personality that works this way when splitting/internal considering takes hold:

First, they have rapid and overwhelming emotional reactions to whatever the trigger is, and start out from a state of being emotionally worked up. Then, the more this type thinks while in that state, the more s/he freaks out the self, so to say. And the more convinced s/he is that s/he is RIGHT about whatever.

The sad thing is that the more this person continues to "think", the more inaccurate, outlandish, irrational, out of proportion and out of context the thoughts become. This sort of person can drive themselves to do many things that are damaging to others but, in the long run, mostly to themselves.

So true! You can add me to the list of this particular splitting type.
Obviously, with this type of splitting personality there is no venting or a controlled "drama acting out". This is the worst case of a splitting scenario in terms of dealing with it.

I really do need to re-read the thread. I said that I mostly turn on myself with an emotional reaction, but I have done the above quote in a big way. Took reading it again to see it.

 

[Laura]

In my case though , it is not so much about being RIGHT, but more about what is FAIR/JUST from my perspective (AND I am also RIGHT with this "(un)fairness assessment" of mine in the end). When the trigger sets in, usually I feel being treated unjustly and hurt in my feelings. The modus operandi is that i completely withdraw and go into this depicted frenzy of outlandish thinking all the while picturing/planing out crafty punishments/revenge scenarios (gosh, I really thought I'm the only sicko doing this!).

That's a hilarious way of putting it, but it is so, so true! No, you aren't the only one doing it, I think about everybody does it! And then, of course, you feel like you MUST be a bad person for having all those "evil thoughts" about so-and-so. Some part of you does see that the whole thing is out of proportion, that your reaction is something of a tempest in a teapot, but this part is very small and weak and can only be heard after some of the energy dissipates.

And then, of course, if the situation gets worked out (big IF!) and you find out that you reacted unfairly or inappropriately, you feel shame and guilt for having thought all those things, so that gets stuffed inside and just adds to the burden.

Much better and healthier to know that everybody does it, it's a sort of automatic defense mechanism of the unconscious, though the specific triggers can vary from person to person. Once you know that, you can then begin to look for the triggers, find out where they came from, and current situations to see if they have any relation to original programming, and begin to sort things out.

In some cases, the trigger is reacting to a valid threat, though you need to adjust the reaction. In some of these cases, you may tend to damp yourself down when you really ought to speak out or do something for your protection but you are running a "be nice" program over a "something is wrong here" program.

In other cases, it's just running old programs that are no longer useful to survival.

Also, along the way I expect the person who delivered the trigger to notice what's bothering me and that him/her is the one to blame for saying/doing something "disrespectful" or "unjust". If there was some venting out on my side it was in all seriousness and all it's rage (verbally and with wild gesticulating).

That, also, is so typical. "Don't you see that I'm sitting over here eating worms and dying?! You clearly don't care about me at all or you would KNOW what you did!" This amounts to expecting the other person to be a mind reader and is discussed in the book "The Narcissistic Family".

Lately, in case of splitting (I'm still not seeing it coming), I seem to manage to at least not withdraw completely, and vent out in a controlled manner. With my spouse I even managed this sort of drama acting out, though also on a more controlled scale, both knowing, that I'm on a frenzy again and we could both laugh at it in the end. And this we did, because my condescending silence of "You_treated_me_unjustly_and_you_(should)_know_why--I'm_not_talking_to_you_anymore_until_you_get_this_straight_again_and_apologize" was to much to bear for her and we agreed, that next time "it clicks in me" I should come out with what is bothering me.

You should have a code word or something that you can speak to let your partner know that you are in the state of falling into the slough of despond. For me, the signal was "I'm just going to read a book." That was my "cover" for withdrawal. Of course, I wasn't going to read a book, but I was pretending to, all the while the "evil thoughts" were racing through my head like mad. Ark caught on very quickly (like almost instantly) and we would sit down and I would get it all out, evil thoughts and all, and then explanations and facing reality would follow, after which we could have a good laugh. Being able to laugh at yourself about this sort of thing IS important. And that is how we sort of developed the "over dramatizing" method of getting it all out because that made it funny. You sort of have to ridicule yourself or rather, that part of yourself that is the false personality and is built on a phony self image and a LOT of self-importance!

Seems these splittings of mine point into the direction, that I have some sort of self-righteousness issue paired with unworthiness feelings there...

If you just realize that it is an automatic program that runs to defend the false personality and its self importance, you are already well on the way to understanding the differences in your thinking: fast and slow.

And that term "fast thinking" is important because we can recall that Lobaczewski pointed out that emotional reactions are much, much faster than cognitive processes - the amygdala hijack - and Gurdjieff said the same: emotional energy is higher octane that intellectual energy. So your emotions can get triggered by the inputs of your sensory system and with lightning speed, your brain can be taken over and then, you are thinking with emotional energy which is bad juju all the way around.

 

[SeekinTruth]

Yup, yup, and yup. :) So well described what happens when the splitting is triggered. The most frustrating and even frightening thing is that once the trigger is pulled there's basically no stopping it. Even if you catch yourself about 15 minutes into your over-reactive, uncontrollable, crazy rant - whether the trigger can be justified or be completely unjustified - you still CAN'T stop it. You can pause for a couple of moments as you realize what's happening, and then the energy can start flowing again and you continue the nonsense for another 5 or 10 minutes (although it could start winding down some at that point) and still be unable to stop it until the energy is spent.

These kinds of episodes really bring home so clearly what Gurdjieff and Mouravieff have said, that there's absolutely no control once a program is triggered AND it could trigger another automatic program in a series. You gotta get so far in working on these things that you can catch it before the full launch or else it's just auto pilot until it subsides by itself. As we are, when there's still nothing "solid in the vase," any chance internal or external shock to the vase, just upsets "the iron filings" all over the place. So, eventually this deliberate acting and exaggeration can, I guess overcome the totally automatic running of its course a little each time?

I had a code word with my brother in the early 2000's that when I was in this state, HE would say it to give me pause. Still, the energy has to dissipate of itself, before any rationality comes back. It seems these types of episodes happen less and less frequently with me (it could be months or even around a year before another one is triggered). I'm hoping that some day I'll have gotten to a place where when the trigger is "heard" and/or felt, nothing happens, like there's no ammo in there. One can hope. :)

 

[mabar]

In my case though , it is not so much about being RIGHT, but more about what is FAIR/JUST from my perspective (AND I am also RIGHT with this "(un)fairness assessment" of mine in the end). When the trigger sets in, usually I feel being treated unjustly and hurt in my feelings. The modus operandi is that i completely withdraw and go into this depicted frenzy of outlandish thinking all the while picturing/planing out crafty punishments/revenge scenarios (gosh, I really thought I'm the only sicko doing this!).

That's a hilarious way of putting it, but it is so, so true! No, you aren't the only one doing it, I think about everybody does it! And then, of course, you feel like you MUST be a bad person for having all those "evil thoughts" about so-and-so. Some part of you does see that the whole thing is out of proportion, that your reaction is something of a tempest in a teapot, but this part is very small and weak and can only be heard after some of the energy dissipates.

I happend to have/had those kinds of reactions, there was a time in which instead of thinking/planing out revenge scenarios, I ended up hearing a very revengeful piece of music, that tend to calm me down, thinking about me being not that devil –from the point of view of that particular disturbing song /my revenge thoughts dissipates before the middle of the song: Battling, from Eva Vox OST. _http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEw5GapbL44&list=PL9B56E5741A333505&index=7 … if, when, my reaction is out of proportion, I usually go to that person and apologize, withdrawing myself into finding where it come from, I tend to get confused, because I had discover, from what people had told me, that I am super/hyper sensitive, and do not longer know for sure, if the unfairness is it, or is because I tend to get too personally, or because I am super/hipper sensitive. I used to tend not to vocalize it, nowadays, I have been doing it, expressing that I felt hurt.

 

[Bluestar]

This was a timely and very insightfull read. Thank you one and all.

Felt I needed to read the entire thread and let it settle before posting. Having experienced similar actions/reactions expressed here, there is no need to reiterate what has already been said. I do want to focus on how my experience with splitting effects my body.

At first my stomach starts to turn, like I'm plunging down a hole. Then my mind thinks an attack is coming. And swirls for a moment before I can react, my shields are already up. Then the defence mode starts and I feel I have to explain where I am coming from. Even if its not asked. The need to be 'understood' is overwhelming. Then my body gets a bit numb and if the other person involved doesn't get it according to my standards, I start to act like a broken record. Now my body feels defeated and fatigue starts and by the time its done, I am exhausted. My body is just so tired I want to sleep.

So my body had gave me a warning. But I wallowed in the fear/anger and allowed myself to be swept away. The black and white thinking can be fulfilling to the personality, but it is exhausting to the body. Many times having allowed my emotions to get caught up in the they are the bad guys/I'm the good guy scenario, has lead to sometimes crazy dreams where I am trying to defend myself from the very same person involved in "the drama" and I go to like punch them to protect myself and my arm and fist moves in slow motion and with absolutely no force.

UntiI l finally realized the counter productive energy loss in the whole thing, I would allow all kinds of internal consideration to take place because this souped up my bruised ego. And even though I discovered this some time ago, I am still finding myself at times caught up with moment. Especially at the present time having to deal with family members who are such rusty machines that it sometimes flabbergasts me. I have to really struggle to keep my head while treading dangerous waters that my ears get very hot. When what I truly want to say, even if it comes from truth would be so hurtful to a family member that my compassion steps in and keeps my lips from flapping. Tho I do say these things to my sister and my husband about these specific family members and we all let off steam then we laugh about it cause we cartoon the whole thing. It keeps us sane and from being externally inconsiderate. Then we are able to handle this touchy situation with a cool head and our point is stated. May not be interpreted through rational ears, but this situation is being handled with our integrity intact.

Ok enough said about that. I truly wanted to focus on the body reactions and how it may be a clue or a key that helps us to see it coming. osit :)

 

[Buddy]

Wow, this thread is still growing and I really appreciate everyone's posts on this topic. So far, I haven't contributed much so I'll tell what I can.

Since around 1985, I don't recall any instances of splitting as deep as what Laura and some others described. Prior to that though, I've probably dramatized several versions of what Odysseus calls "You_treated_me_unjustly_and_you_(should)_know_why--I'm_not_talking_to_you_anymore_until_you_get_this_s traight_again_and_apologize".

What happened in '85 was an incident where a relative who was taking certain indulgences from me for granted, refused to talk to me about the subject when I tried to bring it up. I wound up grabbing a broom that was close by, breaking it over my knee, stomping into our mutual workout room and destroying some of the equipment we shared. We're not talking about much destruction here though, since those weights were really heavy. Plus, I've got a sneaky suspicion I chose that room out of all the things I could tear up just because I knew deep down that I could vent more rage than I could do actual physical damage.

Anyway, that's the last time I remember splitting like that, and I wonder if it's because I didn't get much chance to. Not long afterwards I fell into a succession of relationships where I was on the receiving end of my own behavior. It seems I was forced to endure that "You_treated_me_unjustly_and_you_(should)_know_why--I'm_not_talking_to_you_anymore_until_you_get_this_s traight_again_and_apologize" routine over and over again.

Whether it was justified or not, it had the desired effect, I guess, because I felt compelled to behave according to the other person's expectations. Some situations were so emotionally abhorent to me that I would feel like I did when, as a child, I would want to curl up in a corner holding my head, suffering from the pressure of trying to figure out what was going on and why it was happening.

Eventually those relationships ended and I regained most of my former stability and self-control (for whatever that's worth). I still needed to get to the bottom of this, though, so I continued my searching until I eventually wound up here with all the needed resources: Gurdjieff, the Big 5, the EE program which has helped me process emotions, this thread and you humans. I emphasize 'humans' because I also deal with unworthiness feelings and I know how they can run all sorts of other programs - including ones that tell me that everyone else is better than me; that suggest to me that I'll never amount to anything, or that I'll never achieve a level of personal development like what I sense from some of the posts by some of the members here; or, as my father once yelled years ago: "you'll never know what I know!"

So, I do appreciate the people here who aren't as afraid as I am sometimes, to tell their stories with honesty and openness. It's a good feeling to know my mountain of flaws is not necessarily a sign that I'm doomed to repeat a bad history because I intend to overcome.

 

[cubbex]

....

Pretty interesting, I came more or less to the same idea. Giving no importance to some of the reasons of why I get angry, but not to shut my mouth to what hurts me or troubles me. But it takes so much effort, more because everybody gets hurt too if you point out their mistakes that hurts you, they twist things and only consider what they can see, then sometimes you have to engage in a long and dense conversation about it.

Sometimes is harder because when you complain, people can joke about it, they may tell you that you are sensitive or that you should endure it. So I realized that getting angry and planning to revenge is just a waste of energy, so I've noticed that forgiving takes out some weight off my chest, and when I find a situation that fits, explain and talk about it with that person.

This problem is just one of the hardest thing to control, but I guess, one good way to spot some pathological dude that may be hiding, and when you point it out they don't know how to react so they don't understand what's going on, or they just laugh at it or pretend to understand it. When one is in bad mood or stressed out, is the hardest moment and usually the exact moment when everything goes wrong and people just triggers you. But our actions speak for ourselves, we either chose to do wrong by hurting others and ourselves, or we step our own fear for vulnerability and sensibility and speak our minds, at the end, is just the perfect method to create a network with everyone.

I just have a doubt about it, is justified to express anger every time? because of course sometimes the problem is not others but us, you take out a sacred cow to discover you have a new one or an old one that you haven't spot. I think this is a work of a life time.

 

[Bluestar]

Been thinking more about internal considering this morning and I have some thoughts;

-there has to be a difference between internal considering and protecting our destiny? Maybe it is a fine line, but lets say a person is confronting you about something that you supposedly did, and if you defend yourself, publically, you could lose a job or reputation. If you defend to righteously, you may appear to be a lunatic, but if you don't defend yourself, your livelihood is in jeopardy.

-most of us live in a culture where pointing out the 'wrongs' of others appears to be an antisocial thing. A live and let live attitude held by most people. But if what you are saying is detrimental to the survival of a group or even a community, is it not worthwhile to point it out? Then if a switch attack happens and now you are the one who is appearing to be the "bad guy", does not one need some internal considering to preserve themselves? The splitting is done to you and now the original person that was causing the issue is the good guy because you just "attacked" them. This has happened to me, a few times, so now I am at the point that I just don't point it out any longer. Am I becoming part of the problem then? I feel it's these peoples choice to tolerate it, I am just not going to play in that playground any longer. I walk away leaving them to their own lessons.

-lastly, sometimes splitting between black and white is necessary. Kind of like you can't try to do something (grey area), either you do it or you don't (black or white area). Am I off the point here and mixing to many concepts together?

 

[beetlemaniac]

Been thinking more about internal considering this morning and I have some thoughts;

-there has to be a difference between internal considering and protecting our destiny? Maybe it is a fine line, but lets say a person is confronting you about something that you supposedly did, and if you defend yourself, publically, you could lose a job or reputation. If you defend to righteously, you may appear to be a lunatic, but if you don't defend yourself, your livelihood is in jeopardy.

It's not exactly clear what the hypothetical person did, but I'll assume that I was wrongly blamed as a perpetrator of some unlawful/immoral act. So then, to allow for one's own survival and continuation of Work, self-defense is necessary. The way to defend oneself would depend on the situation, maybe a controlled approach would be more suitable at times such as through dialogue or legal means, I don't know if an aggressive approach would be of use though for these situations, seems unnecessary and counterproductive unless the person is highly pathological.

-most of us live in a culture where pointing out the 'wrongs' of others appears to be an antisocial thing. A live and let live attitude held by most people. But if what you are saying is detrimental to the survival of a group or even a community, is it not worthwhile to point it out? Then if a switch attack happens and now you are the one who is appearing to be the "bad guy", does not one need some internal considering to preserve themselves? The splitting is done to you and now the original person that was causing the issue is the good guy because you just "attacked" them. This has happened to me, a few times, so now I am at the point that I just don't point it out any longer. Am I becoming part of the problem then? I feel it's these peoples choice to tolerate it, I am just not going to play in that playground any longer. I walk away leaving them to their own lessons.

Yeah, I observe that clearly in myself as well, it's called the "be nice" program. Well in this case I'd think of myself as helping to preserve the truth, and not internally considering but objectively seeing things as they are, and acting upon them. That precludes the fact that I've done the work on myself to be able to see reality more clearly, without projection. I find it interesting that you are applying the splitting dynamics of "good guy, bad guy" when you describe the situation. Are you saying that others are all perceiving this situation in this same way? If it's a repeating pattern, it sounds like it is a good idea to leave the dynamic voluntarily instead of continuing a self-defeating cycle of behavior. Pathological people will not change for you.

-lastly, sometimes splitting between black and white is necessary. Kind of like you can't try to do something (grey area), either you do it or you don't (black or white area). Am I off the point here and mixing to many concepts together?

Splitting is basically seeing situations, people, or objects as all-good or all-bad. I think what you refer to as "doing" is based upon application of one's own will to perform an action to advance themselves towards an aim. Just my thoughts.

 

[furryfrog]

Been thinking more about internal considering this morning and I have some thoughts;

-there has to be a difference between internal considering and protecting our destiny? Maybe it is a fine line, but lets say a person is confronting you about something that you supposedly did, and if you defend yourself, publically, you could lose a job or reputation. If you defend to righteously, you may appear to be a lunatic, but if you don't defend yourself, your livelihood is in jeopardy.

-most of us live in a culture where pointing out the 'wrongs' of others appears to be an antisocial thing. A live and let live attitude held by most people. But if what you are saying is detrimental to the survival of a group or even a community, is it not worthwhile to point it out? Then if a switch attack happens and now you are the one who is appearing to be the "bad guy", does not one need some internal considering to preserve themselves? The splitting is done to you and now the original person that was causing the issue is the good guy because you just "attacked" them. This has happened to me, a few times, so now I am at the point that I just don't point it out any longer. Am I becoming part of the problem then? I feel it's these peoples choice to tolerate it, I am just not going to play in that playground any longer. I walk away leaving them to their own lessons.

-lastly, sometimes splitting between black and white is necessary. Kind of like you can't try to do something (grey area), either you do it or you don't (black or white area). Am I off the point here and mixing to many concepts together?

I can tell from the questions you have asked and the way you asked them that you do not yet understand what internal considering is. It took me awhile to sort it out, and it was because of this thread that I finally put it together. If "Internal considering" was called something else, even a word that has not been invented yet, I think I would have come to understand it sooner. Internal considering is entirely different from outer considering.

Remember that our main goal is to identify and develop our Real "I". Our real "I" must become permanent, unshakable, and solid. This is only possible when we free ourselves from "Internal considering". Lets split internal considering into two separate words for a moment. Internal from a 4th way point of view would be all of our many false I's,(programs, buffers, splitting) including our real I. Considering can mean to ponder, to contemplate, to compare. So if you are Internal considering you a contemplating with a minimum two I's. If one has a real, permanent, unshakable "I", there is nothing to contemplate with, there is no false "I" to "consider" with. Step outside yourself and into self observation. Can you see now that when you identify with another false "I" you have by default "Internally considered".

-there has to be a difference between internal considering and protecting our destiny? Maybe it is a fine line, but lets say a person is confronting you about something that you supposedly did, and if you defend yourself, publically, you could lose a job or reputation. If you defend to righteously, you may appear to be a lunatic, but if you don't defend yourself, your livelihood is in jeopardy.

Wrong use of the meaning of Internal considering in your question. You can be outer considerate to yourself and to the people around you in the situation you described. Try to not Internally consider; i.e. split into an "I" that is not the real you and into a state of confluence, this can be difficult to do, especially in the situation you have described. At least try to observe yourself if you do split.

-most of us live in a culture where pointing out the 'wrongs' of others appears to be an antisocial thing. A live and let live attitude held by most people. But if what you are saying is detrimental to the survival of a group or even a community, is it not worthwhile to point it out? Then if a switch attack happens and now you are the one who is appearing to be the "bad guy", does not one need some internal considering to preserve themselves? The splitting is done to you and now the original person that was causing the issue is the good guy because you just "attacked" them. This has happened to me, a few times, so now I am at the point that I just don't point it out any longer. Am I becoming part of the problem then? I feel it's these peoples choice to tolerate it, I am just not going to play in that playground any longer. I walk away leaving them to their own lessons.

Use outer considering to navigate the situation the best you can. Wrong use/understanding of splitting. Keep in mind the best course of action may be to walk away. I would suggest that the outlined situation may be a good opportunity to practice self-observation and trying not to slip into a state of "Inner considering".

-lastly, sometimes splitting between black and white is necessary. Kind of like you can't try to do something (grey area), either you do it or you don't (black or white area). Am I off the point here and mixing to many concepts together?

Wrong use/understanding of the meaning of splitting. Your points are off, due to you mixing up the concepts, and mostly because of your lack of understanding of what internal considering is. I hope this post clears it up for you.


Understanding what Internal considering is, is vital in progress of the work, for how will you be able to observe yourself when you fall into it. In Gnosis 1, read the paragraph on page 11 where "considerations" are mentioned, Lower half of page 159, top half of page 212. That should get you started anyway.

 

[SMM]

I'm still catching up with the splitting thread (currently at page 6), but there are quite a few things which hit me on the head.
In particular the dealing with emotions by venting/acting out a drama in conjunction with this:

Since I'm sort of collecting examples here (and hope that ya'll will contribute other possible examples), there's a particular type of personality that works this way when splitting/internal considering takes hold:

First, they have rapid and overwhelming emotional reactions to whatever the trigger is, and start out from a state of being emotionally worked up. Then, the more this type thinks while in that state, the more s/he freaks out the self, so to say. And the more convinced s/he is that s/he is RIGHT about whatever.

The sad thing is that the more this person continues to "think", the more inaccurate, outlandish, irrational, out of proportion and out of context the thoughts become. This sort of person can drive themselves to do many things that are damaging to others but, in the long run, mostly to themselves.

So true! You can add me to the list of this particular splitting type.
Obviously, with this type of splitting personality there is no venting or a controlled "drama acting out". This is the worst case of a splitting scenario in terms of dealing with it.

In my case though , it is not so much about being RIGHT, but more about what is FAIR/JUST from my perspective (AND I am also RIGHT with this "(un)fairness assessment" of mine in the end). When the trigger sets in, usually I feel being treated unjustly and hurt in my feelings. The modus operandi is that i completely withdraw and go into this depicted frenzy of outlandish thinking all the while picturing/planing out crafty punishments/revenge scenarios (gosh, I really thought I'm the only sicko doing this!). Also, along the way I expect the person who delivered the trigger to notice what's bothering me and that him/her is the one to blame for saying/doing something "disrespectful" or "unjust". If there was some venting out on my side it was in all seriousness and all it's rage (verbally and with wild gesticulating).

Lately, in case of splitting (I'm still not seeing it coming), I seem to manage to at least not withdraw completely, and vent out in a controlled manner. With my spouse I even managed this sort of drama acting out, though also on a more controlled scale, both knowing, that I'm on a frenzy again and we could both laugh at it in the end. And this we did, because my condescending silence of "You_treated_me_unjustly_and_you_(should)_know_why--I'm_not_talking_to_you_anymore_until_you_get_this_straight_again_and_apologize" was to much to bear for her and we agreed, that next time "it clicks in me" I should come out with what is bothering me.

Seems these splittings of mine point into the direction, that I have some sort of self-righteousness issue paired with unworthiness feelings there...

Still, there's much to ponder and this thread with all the contributions and the depicted events and experiences is a gem on its own.

Well I thought this was just me being a psycho female dog cueing self-criticism about how everyone was perfect & I was clearly defective for having nefarious thoughts/feelings!
It really does take its toil on the body! It's almost impossible for me to go into this state without it affectin' or colouring EVERYTHING - emotional, intellectual, instinctive meaning that my productivity dwindles drastically especially when I internalize it. I look around & somehow some people function when they're like that, or so it appears, but I become uselessly neurotic, self-doubting & sometimes passive aggressive... finding it impossible to focus on anything else.

Being able to laugh about & recently trying new ways to deal with it differently has been a recent aim. It's a little late, it'd take a while to chime in with some examples so hopefully that's something I can get back to alongside catching up with what others have written. Glad I clicked onto this thread before calling it a night :)

 

[SMM]

Pretty interesting, I came more or less to the same idea. Giving no importance to some of the reasons of why I get angry, but not to shut my mouth to what hurts me or troubles me. But it takes so much effort, more because everybody gets hurt too if you point out their mistakes that hurts you, they twist things and only consider what they can see, then sometimes you have to engage in a long and dense conversation about it.

Sometimes is harder because when you complain, people can joke about it, they may tell you that you are sensitive or that you should endure it. So I realized that getting angry and planning to revenge is just a waste of energy, so I've noticed that forgiving takes out some weight off my chest, and when I find a situation that fits, explain and talk about it with that person.

This problem is just one of the hardest thing to control, but I guess, one good way to spot some pathological dude that may be hiding, and when you point it out they don't know how to react so they don't understand what's going on, or they just laugh at it or pretend to understand it. When one is in bad mood or stressed out, is the hardest moment and usually the exact moment when everything goes wrong and people just triggers you. But our actions speak for ourselves, we either chose to do wrong by hurting others and ourselves, or we step our own fear for vulnerability and sensibility and speak our minds, at the end, is just the perfect method to create a network with everyone.

I just have a doubt about it, is justified to express anger every time? because of course sometimes the problem is not others but us, you take out a sacred cow to discover you have a new one or an old one that you haven't spot. I think this is a work of a life time.

May I ask what you mean by "step our own fear for vulnerability and sensibility and speak our minds"? A little confused at the use of the word 'step'.

Having spent the past couple of days with my family, I 'experimented' exaggerating whilst observing.
Noticed little things that irk me - the sound of my mother's voice, lack of organisation [phone charger & phone going missing] - that a probably triggered by something else. It seems to have the effect of dredging other things up... not necessarily bad when just observing & being able to laugh about it.
Was under the impression that, by expressing negative feelings or anger, one feels justified in sprouting off that rage & it sort of becomes addictive or rationalized - whenever someone ticks them off they need more to dissipate the energy?

My little siblings know not to take much I say seriously. Interesting though how one person splitting can cause another person to split.

 

[Aliana]

Quote from: Odysseus on August 22, 2013, 03:32:40 AM

In my case though, it is not so much about being RIGHT, but more about what is FAIR/JUST from my perspective (AND I am also RIGHT with this "(un)fairness assessment" of mine in the end). When the trigger sets in, usually I feel being treated unjustly and hurt in my feelings. The modus operandi is that i completely withdraw and go into this depicted frenzy of outlandish thinking all the while picturing/planing out crafty punishments/revenge scenarios (gosh, I really thought I'm the only sicko doing this!).
…
Also, along the way I expect the person who delivered the trigger to notice what's bothering me and that him/her is the one to blame for saying/doing something "disrespectful" or "unjust". If there was some venting out on my side it was in all seriousness and all it's rage (verbally and with wild gesticulating).

OMG - I have that same program where I withdraw into a corner in a complete funk while I feel sorry for myself, imagining all sorts of nasty thoughts, but won’t confront the person who triggered the program. :( This happened recently with a family member who spoke to me in “that tone of voice that feels disrespectful”. Instead of saying something about it, I marched off to bed with a book, with barely a civil goodnight. I was still in a mood the next morning, but my daughter called me on it and we had a good discussion, so I promised to not do my withdrawal thing again without saying something first.

It’s annoying to realize just how automatic these programs are, but the good news is that I am starting to actually SEE them in action – even if it takes awhile to notice the program is running. I am also seeing how that “sorry for myself, eating worms” program leads to depression and a huge amount of suppressed anger. Left to fester long enough, I eventually erupt like a little volcano. This past weekend I actually felt that emotional state arising over a family situation and I could sense that inner volcano steaming.

Luckily I remembered to do some of the acting out drama – and it really did help to exhaust some of the anger. By the time I talked with my family again, I felt calm enough to discuss things.

Good to know I am not the only one doing this!! Every time one of these scenarios occurs, where I either retreat and think evil thoughts or explode, I have the same guilty feelings – and then go into a real hole where I am thinking..“I am such a miserable excuse for a human, blah, blah. (black and white thinking). It’s really quite amusing once I started realizing what I was doing and could laugh at myself. I have been doing a lot of dramatic acting in my living room lately!! Sure is helping and I hope I can start to catch this sooner. It’s been running a loooooong time – so I definitely have work to do.

 

[Bluestar]

Thanks Beetlemaniac and Furryfrog, I went to the cassiopedia and reread the meaning of internal considering. I think my brain got stuck on the word 'considering'. I could not grasp the full meaning and kept fogging up the concept. It was like a switch turned on in my mind and I can see where internal considering is a predator mind in full tilt boogy.

quote from Beetlemaniac

It's not exactly clear what the hypothetical person did, but I'll assume that I was wrongly blamed as a perpetrator of some unlawful/immoral act. So then, to allow for one's own survival and continuation of Work, self-defense is necessary. The way to defend oneself would depend on the situation, maybe a controlled approach would be more suitable at times such as through dialogue or legal means, I don't know if an aggressive approach would be of use though for these situations, seems unnecessary and counterproductive unless the person is highly pathological.

My convoluted example was just that an example of what I was unclear of myself. My apologies to the forum for the word salad.

quote from Furryfrog

Understanding what Internal considering is, is vital in progress of the work, for how will you be able to observe yourself when you fall into it. In Gnosis 1, read the paragraph on page 11 where "considerations" are mentioned, Lower half of page 159, top half of page 212. That should get you started anyway.

Will go and reread these pages. I believe I got a grasp on this topic and see where I made the error. Thanks again.