Subtle Change in Awareness

Cyre2067

The Living Force
Today i noticed something very 'different' in flavor and quality to my normal experience.

Some background: lately I've felt that i was making little 'progress' in the Work. I'd slipped back into a lot of old habits and behaviors that i had thought i had eradicated and my living situation which recently changed, has made things less difficult in some aspects, and more difficult in others. Needless to say i had a moment with myself on the couch when i came home from work yesterday in which i just thought to myself. I can't remember the exact line of thinking, but it was something like "okay, you're not going anywhere. Options: 1.) Give up 2.) try harder 3.) maintain the status quo" (FYI status quo to me is reading ~1 book a week, posting on the forum, reading signs and posting bits to my livejournal/myspace) I decided on option 3.

Then a friend came over and while we were interacting i noticed something different. Something small was watching the interaction. Part of me was seperated from the part of me that was identified with the situation and able to 'record' it in a different manner then my normal experience. This caught my interest, and had the 'flavor' of what I've come to call 'self-observation' but it was different in 'depth'. Sorry if this is confusing, it's hard to put into words. This then all faded into the background, I lost my 'presence' sotospeak.

Later i went on a date, at the date the interaction was pleasant and while i noticed he seemed to be colinear on a lot of political issues he didn't have the depth of understanding that comes with readin the books suggested and following SOTT daily yields. This odd feeling returned and allowed me to practice external consideration in that i didn't point out his flaws, i agreed with his line of thought and i think i even was a bit insincere as i agreed to things i wouldn't normally have agreed with. IE - He commented on how we've been toying with arab nations for decades and no wonder 9-11 happened... I didn't belabor him with the 9-11 conspiracy bits, and this was very different from my normal behavior (usually love to jump in an add what i know to the mix) but somehow it 'felt inappropriate'.

Fast forward to today - I woke up a bit groggy, but as soon as i got some water and coffee in me i noticed a profound shift in my awareness. I read through my email and things there 'clicked' in a way that they normally didn't. Things that were said brought up memories and feelings that i could trace to events that caused those memories and feelings. The same thing happened when i got text messages from associates - they triggered some emotion, frustration for example, and all of a sudden i knew why i felt that way and could trace it to its cause in my childhood.

When lunchtime came, i ate less then normal, knowing it would help me maintain that state, and i also knew why: blood flow to the stomach induced lethargy and a decrease in energy.

I have this 'background joy' now, and it's an odd feeling. It's like being content with the universe and knowing things are working the way they're supposed to be. It also allows me to cut off negative emotions and 'feel' them the instant their born instead of converting them into thoughts/actions. I also feel like im running on a 'higher octane' fuel.

Overall its a curious feeling and im interested in seeing how long it will hang around. Usually my 'progress' follows a wave function and it seems im currently on a peak. Would it have happened without the down feeling and introspection i had last night? I doubt it.
 

herondancer

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Cyre2067 said:
Some background: lately I've felt that i was making little 'progress' in the Work. I'd slipped back into a lot of old habits and behaviors that i had thought i had eradicated and my living situation which recently changed, has made things less difficult in some aspects, and more difficult in others. Needless to say i had a moment with myself on the couch when i came home from work yesterday in which i just thought to myself. I can't remember the exact line of thinking, but it was something like "okay, you're not going anywhere. Options: 1.) Give up 2.) try harder 3.) maintain the status quo" (FYI status quo to me is reading ~1 book a week, posting on the forum, reading signs and posting bits to my livejournal/myspace) I decided on option 3.
Hi Cyre,

Sometimes option 3 is the best you can manage (anything is better than 1). At least it's not going backward. Sometimes too, as it appears to be in this case here, "down times" are actually integration of previous work.

[...] I didn't belabor him with the 9-11 conspiracy bits, and this was very different from my normal behavior (usually love to jump in an add what i know to the mix) but somehow it 'felt inappropriate'.
[...]
I have this 'background joy' now, and it's an odd feeling. It's like being content with the universe and knowing things are working the way they're supposed to be. It also allows me to cut off negative emotions and 'feel' them the instant their born instead of converting them into thoughts/actions. I also feel like im running on a 'higher octane' fuel.

Overall its a curious feeling and im interested in seeing how long it will hang around. Usually my 'progress' follows a wave function and it seems im currently on a peak. Would it have happened without the down feeling and introspection i had last night? I doubt it.
Thank you so much for posting this. In the last while, I've had some of the experiences that you've described, though not as strongly. In the environment I'm working in, there is a lot of chat (fun, but mostly pointless), and I normally would have been right in there. Most of the time I'm not, and for the same reasons you describe i.e. it just feels "not appropriate". Stranger still, no one seems to be offended. Before when I was not talkative, I would be accused of being snobbish or anti-social. Maybe because the job was a chance to consciously try a different way of being with people, and was approached clearly with the idea of self-observing as best as possible, it hasn't happened this time. I do contribute to things, but seem to have a slightly better feel for what doesn't need to be said. And as you have said, it does seem to produces a sort of "background joy" or contentment with the universe, that I was not perceiving. I guess I was looking for some kind of over-the-top sort of joy. This is more a sense of calm and balance. Maybe that is the perception of "saving energy? In any case, thank you for pointing it out.

It ebbs and flows as you say, but just knowing that it's a cycle helps eh?

Herondancer
 

Craig

Jedi Master
This sounds similar to a change that occurred to me about a year ago, and it is what happens when you make certain efforts over time; the feeling of 'I' changes, the scope and depth of your observation changes like you mention. It's still early on yet, but you say that you sense more clearly a different scale to things in your inner being. This is a good point to reach because it teaches you a whole different layer about non-inner considering, identification etc.

I'd say to just let it be and keep watching what happens, and reporting to the group. When these changes occur, it is easier to open back up to them because you retain a taste of "where to go" in your inner landscape. As for the "feeling of joy" thing, your expectation seems a bit backward. It's the constating of the components of the emotion - getting at the truth - that is important. OSIT.
 

Russ

Jedi Master
Hmm with people who it feels inappropriate to talk about certain things, I usually, for example, say "some" people think X, instead of "I" think X, so then I can see how they react to the idea without them knowing if its what I think or not.
 

herondancer

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Craig said:
As for the "feeling of joy" thing, your expectation seems a bit backward. It's the constating of the components of the emotion - getting at the truth - that is important. OSIT.
Hi Craig,

It's not a goal, if that is what you mean. The "joy" has been mentioned a sort of "after the fact" result of Work efforts. Cyre noticed his after a period of depression, yet choosing to continue to strive as best he was able at the time.

Ninety-five percent of the time it is Work. Constating the components and sources of emotion usually mean opening up yet another pocket of psychological knots to deal with, and it's not fun, as everyone knows.

Getting my talking program under control hasn't been easy, and I still despair of it at times. The change of job gave me a laboratory of sorts to work on it, in which I really didn't think I'd gotten too far. There's a long, long way to go on many things, but it seemed a little progress had been made on this front. Reading Cyre's description, gave a little boost to my spirit which I was really needing.

Herondancer
 

kenlee

SuperModerator
Moderator
FOTCM Member
Cyre2067 said:
Some background: lately I've felt that i was making little 'progress' in the Work. I'd slipped back into a lot of old habits and behaviors that i had thought i had eradicated and my living situation which recently changed, has made things less difficult in some aspects, and more difficult in others.
Don't worry about 'progress.' This is wishful thinking and expectation of results. Just do. Make your efforts to the degree to which you are able. Repeated efforts add up like pearls on a string. Nothing is wasted. These efforts will increase your 'ableness' and that is the point. It is a never ending effort. In life people know what they want. They have an advantage since their attention is focused like a dog is 'focused' on a bone. Your attention will become more dispersed in the work since you are becoming aware of more essential things that is unseen by those around you who are focused exclusively on the physical world and expectation of rewards and outcomes. Hence the development of directed attention is essential in the work since your attention is not 'locked' onto the matrix like those around you. You need more of it. You are at a disadvantage. It's not easy but no effort is wasted if done with no anticipation. It's about increasing your 'ableness' with sustained efforts. As I said it's not easy especially when the General Law becomes aware of your greater awareness and 'bumps up a notch' to bring you back in line.

Become more aware of how little aware you really are. That's the first step.

Mme Ouspensky said:

http://www.gurdjieff.org/howarth2.htm

In fact, Mme. finds that on the whole we have less attention and are less conscious than people in ordinary life. She says that “today people in ordinary life have to have a certain degree of awareness—business people have to—they know they lose money if they don’t—people in jobs have to be alert or they lose their jobs.� But we in this house can do things with impunity and therefore in fact Mme. finds most of the time we are on a level lower than people in ordinary life.
 

Cyre2067

The Living Force
Odd how things work out. Went to DC to visit friends for the weekend, came back yesterday and took off today just to recoup from the 'drain' of the experience.

Needless to say I lost the sensation I had Friday.

Thanks all, your responses resonate.

Today I was 'relaxing' while watching DVR'd episodes of entourage. The show ended and I caught a glimpse of a program swimming through my consciousness. I'll label it 'now what?' as it was running ideas of other programs to run.

Read a book? No.

C&C3? No.

More TV? No.

I caught it after the third one. I stopped and observed it and felt a particularly squirmy sensation. I kinda visualized it as a spot that had run itself in a corner of light. I had the realization it couldn't operate as long as I was 'seeing' it. It's kinda funny.

This is all I am.
 
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