Cyre2067
The Living Force
Today i noticed something very 'different' in flavor and quality to my normal experience.
Some background: lately I've felt that i was making little 'progress' in the Work. I'd slipped back into a lot of old habits and behaviors that i had thought i had eradicated and my living situation which recently changed, has made things less difficult in some aspects, and more difficult in others. Needless to say i had a moment with myself on the couch when i came home from work yesterday in which i just thought to myself. I can't remember the exact line of thinking, but it was something like "okay, you're not going anywhere. Options: 1.) Give up 2.) try harder 3.) maintain the status quo" (FYI status quo to me is reading ~1 book a week, posting on the forum, reading signs and posting bits to my livejournal/myspace) I decided on option 3.
Then a friend came over and while we were interacting i noticed something different. Something small was watching the interaction. Part of me was seperated from the part of me that was identified with the situation and able to 'record' it in a different manner then my normal experience. This caught my interest, and had the 'flavor' of what I've come to call 'self-observation' but it was different in 'depth'. Sorry if this is confusing, it's hard to put into words. This then all faded into the background, I lost my 'presence' sotospeak.
Later i went on a date, at the date the interaction was pleasant and while i noticed he seemed to be colinear on a lot of political issues he didn't have the depth of understanding that comes with readin the books suggested and following SOTT daily yields. This odd feeling returned and allowed me to practice external consideration in that i didn't point out his flaws, i agreed with his line of thought and i think i even was a bit insincere as i agreed to things i wouldn't normally have agreed with. IE - He commented on how we've been toying with arab nations for decades and no wonder 9-11 happened... I didn't belabor him with the 9-11 conspiracy bits, and this was very different from my normal behavior (usually love to jump in an add what i know to the mix) but somehow it 'felt inappropriate'.
Fast forward to today - I woke up a bit groggy, but as soon as i got some water and coffee in me i noticed a profound shift in my awareness. I read through my email and things there 'clicked' in a way that they normally didn't. Things that were said brought up memories and feelings that i could trace to events that caused those memories and feelings. The same thing happened when i got text messages from associates - they triggered some emotion, frustration for example, and all of a sudden i knew why i felt that way and could trace it to its cause in my childhood.
When lunchtime came, i ate less then normal, knowing it would help me maintain that state, and i also knew why: blood flow to the stomach induced lethargy and a decrease in energy.
I have this 'background joy' now, and it's an odd feeling. It's like being content with the universe and knowing things are working the way they're supposed to be. It also allows me to cut off negative emotions and 'feel' them the instant their born instead of converting them into thoughts/actions. I also feel like im running on a 'higher octane' fuel.
Overall its a curious feeling and im interested in seeing how long it will hang around. Usually my 'progress' follows a wave function and it seems im currently on a peak. Would it have happened without the down feeling and introspection i had last night? I doubt it.
Some background: lately I've felt that i was making little 'progress' in the Work. I'd slipped back into a lot of old habits and behaviors that i had thought i had eradicated and my living situation which recently changed, has made things less difficult in some aspects, and more difficult in others. Needless to say i had a moment with myself on the couch when i came home from work yesterday in which i just thought to myself. I can't remember the exact line of thinking, but it was something like "okay, you're not going anywhere. Options: 1.) Give up 2.) try harder 3.) maintain the status quo" (FYI status quo to me is reading ~1 book a week, posting on the forum, reading signs and posting bits to my livejournal/myspace) I decided on option 3.
Then a friend came over and while we were interacting i noticed something different. Something small was watching the interaction. Part of me was seperated from the part of me that was identified with the situation and able to 'record' it in a different manner then my normal experience. This caught my interest, and had the 'flavor' of what I've come to call 'self-observation' but it was different in 'depth'. Sorry if this is confusing, it's hard to put into words. This then all faded into the background, I lost my 'presence' sotospeak.
Later i went on a date, at the date the interaction was pleasant and while i noticed he seemed to be colinear on a lot of political issues he didn't have the depth of understanding that comes with readin the books suggested and following SOTT daily yields. This odd feeling returned and allowed me to practice external consideration in that i didn't point out his flaws, i agreed with his line of thought and i think i even was a bit insincere as i agreed to things i wouldn't normally have agreed with. IE - He commented on how we've been toying with arab nations for decades and no wonder 9-11 happened... I didn't belabor him with the 9-11 conspiracy bits, and this was very different from my normal behavior (usually love to jump in an add what i know to the mix) but somehow it 'felt inappropriate'.
Fast forward to today - I woke up a bit groggy, but as soon as i got some water and coffee in me i noticed a profound shift in my awareness. I read through my email and things there 'clicked' in a way that they normally didn't. Things that were said brought up memories and feelings that i could trace to events that caused those memories and feelings. The same thing happened when i got text messages from associates - they triggered some emotion, frustration for example, and all of a sudden i knew why i felt that way and could trace it to its cause in my childhood.
When lunchtime came, i ate less then normal, knowing it would help me maintain that state, and i also knew why: blood flow to the stomach induced lethargy and a decrease in energy.
I have this 'background joy' now, and it's an odd feeling. It's like being content with the universe and knowing things are working the way they're supposed to be. It also allows me to cut off negative emotions and 'feel' them the instant their born instead of converting them into thoughts/actions. I also feel like im running on a 'higher octane' fuel.
Overall its a curious feeling and im interested in seeing how long it will hang around. Usually my 'progress' follows a wave function and it seems im currently on a peak. Would it have happened without the down feeling and introspection i had last night? I doubt it.