Teen Eating Disorder- Advice please!

[RGG]

Hi all,

Recently my very self-aware 14 year-old admitted to me that she thinks she has an eating disorder. After much discussion and questioning by me and her doctor, it is confirmed that she has does but since she realized quite quickly that her own coping strategies weren't working, then sought help, there hasn't been any damage to her health yet nor has she begun to employ other more extreme weight management strategies such as vomiting, taking laxatives or excessive exercise thankfully.

I'm booking an appointment now with a psychologist to deal with this eating disorder but I'm not sure what types of therapy will be most effective (her doctor mentioned that prozac is quiet helpful in higher doses for teens - not an option in my estimation unless things become much worse) so I would appreciate the opinions of anyone with a better understanding of successful forms of psychotherapy.

Also, I'm trying to think of a way to approach the whole diet thing. I follow the Keto diet but cook Paleo style with an emphasis on adding in more healthy animal fats and i take all appropriate opportunities to educate my family on better nutrition. I'm worried about two things happening with this though ; first, i'm worried that when the psychologist begins questioning my daughter on her habits of healthy eating, the fact that i follow what my daughter might consider a very strict and non-mainstreme diet will point towards me as the problem. Also, part of councilling her eating disorder will be educating her on healthy eating habits and the councillors will be probably be selling the ideas of the Canada food guide which promotes 6 servings of grain products as well as other non-sense.

My daughter and I both know that she began these unhealthy eating behaviors before I switched to Keto or ever even mentioned it to anyone in my family. She also has been taught by me about how the Canada food guide and what she learns from school may not actually be the healthiest ways of eating but I can see this may cause problems.

How do I address this with her psychologist in a way that doesn't lead her to believe that my views aren't contributing to my daughters problem?? I also need to prepare myself because i'm sure members of my family will be making that connection since they think my views are a bit extreme.

Ugg.

Any advice would be very welcome.

 

[LQB]

Any advice would be very welcome.

At 14 you should be able to provide her with enough good info sources that she can make her own diet decisions (and design a transition). This could be quite independent of work with a psychologist.

If she prefers podcast listening to reading, Jimmy Moore's podcasts are great for slowly absorbing a lot of key diet info. His own story is pretty inspiring to many folk. Plus, she can always discuss what she is learning with you. Just what popped up here ...

 

[Aiming]

Hi Rx,

sorry to hear your daughter is going through this, though it is a good sign that she recognized it and is seeking help, since denial of this problem is the main impediment to improvement with eating disorders.

The type of therapy is mainly determined by what type of eating disorder your daughter has. From what I've learned, therapy encompasses nutrition protocols, normalization of weight and eating habits and an accompanying psychotherapy, as well as CBT, interpersonal therapy, family therapy, etc. So, there are a lot of options besides medication. At least in Germany medication is not the focus of treatment and only administered in cases of depression, or with adipose clients for increasing their feeling of satiety. Personally, I'd always have in mind that the medication recommendations are driven by big pharma.

How do I address this with her psychologist in a way that doesn't lead her to believe that my views aren't contributing to my daughters problem?? I also need to prepare myself because i'm sure members of my family will be making that connection since they think my views are a bit extreme.

That can turn out to be a tricky situation, perhaps someone else can chime in here for their thoughts.

In any case, I hope that the psychologist you're consulting is open-minded, and if he/she isn't, you can still search for another, though of course, the important thing is that your daughter feels comfortable with the therapist.

 

[Adaryn]

Hi all,

Recently my very self-aware 14 year-old admitted to me that she thinks she has an eating disorder

After much discussion and questioning by me and her doctor, it is confirmed that she has does but since she realized quite quickly that her own coping strategies weren't working, then sought help, there hasn't been any damage to her health yet nor has she begun to employ other more extreme weight management strategies such as vomiting, taking laxatives or excessive exercise thankfully.

It's good that she talked to you about it. Most teens keep it from their parents. If it started before you undertook any changes in your own diet, as you say, what could be the underlying cause? "Just" a result of the pressure from society to be thin and to conform to the current standards of beauty? Or a symptom of something deeper?

Also, part of councilling her eating disorder will be educating her on healthy eating habits and the councillors will be probably be selling the ideas of the Canada food guide which promotes 6 servings of grain products as well as other non-sense.

My daughter and I both know that she began these unhealthy eating behaviors before I switched to Keto or ever even mentioned it to anyone in my family. She also has been taught by me about how the Canada food guide and what she learns from school may not actually be the healthiest ways of eating but I can see this may cause problems.

How do I address this with her psychologist in a way that doesn't lead her to believe that my views aren't contributing to my daughters problem?? I also need to prepare myself because i'm sure members of my family will be making that connection since they think my views are a bit extreme.

What about finding a paleo friendly nutritional counselor or doctor, in the line of Nora Gedgaudas?
_http://primaldocs.com/physician-finder-intro/

If not possible, and if questioned on your diet habits, why not compiling and presenting them with a list of articles/research debunking the myth of high carb low fat diet, like this one, for ie:
_http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/11246112/High-fat-diets-not-as-dangerous-as-high-carbohydrate-plans-claim-scientists.html

 

[RGG]

It's good that she talked to you about it. Most teens keep it from their parents. If it started before you undertook any changes in your own diet, as you say, what could be the underlying cause? "Just" a result of the pressure from society to be thin and to conform to the current standards of beauty? Or a symptom of something deeper?

We had been living abroad for 5 years until last year when we moved back to Canada- our home country. The move was very traumatic because everyone in my family wanted to stay where we were in Singapore. I had a great job and a renewed contract for a few more years but my husbands position there was cut and we were forced to go without even knowing where we were going to. In the end it was to Edmonton, AB but on very short notice- we moved into our new home the weekend before school started so it was a big scramble. The entire last year was an adjustment for all of us back to Canadian life even though we no longer identified ourselves as Canadians. My other two sons had a difficult time too in the transition -my 10 year old is seeing a psychologist in order to deal with anxiety that manifests as anger and tantrums and my 5 year old started chewing holes in all of his shirts and even some of mine! So A LOT of work in transitioning needed to be done by all of us. I think the stress of the move during vulnerable early teen years, loss of control over her situation and feeling like she didn't belong in our new environment even though she is Canadian was what triggered it. To make matters worse, I did notice that she was much too quiet around christmas of last year but unfortunately i was completely out of commission as a parent due to my own debilitating depression around the same time which had never happened to me before. I feel pretty guilty that i dropped the ball as a mom so badly but i couldn't even take care of myself properly at the time.

So now we're doing damage control. From what i can tell she started to developed these bad habits around a year ago as a coping mechanism for her stress. When she discusses her behaviors now, she is exasperated at how even though she's not stressed any more (many international friends, happy with her progress in her dance classes, getting 90% plus in all of her classes and generally very content with her life) she still is engaging in these bad eating habits and can't stop. I think the stress triggers have mostly been alleviated but the coping mechanism she developed has been wired into her brain and now she can't stop the bad behaviors and THAT is causing anxiety and stress. She is also very knowledgeable about eating disorders because she chose that as her grade 5 exhibition project which is probably why she was able to identify that something was wrong quite quickly.

I should also mention that she's a dancer and on top of having to move to a new studio with a completely new way of doing things that she had to adjust to she sees herself in a mirror in a leotard 4 days a week which probably reenforces a lot of her negative thinking.

I do like the idea of being armed with some nutrition info on our 1st visit to the psychologist so that my daughter doesn't have to feel guilty about going against my recommendations. Thanks for that Adaryn. Maybe its best to just tell the psychologist that we eat Paleo in my house to begin with just so everyones on the same page. She specializes in nutrition psychology so hopefully she'll be acquainted to other diets...

 

[Laura]

I thought about this a lot last night and there were many questions that came to my mind and you more or less answered some of them in the second post.

If it were my child, I'd be doing a lot of research first and not be too quick to send my child off to a shrink. I would think that this doesn't send a very good message: "oops, sorry that our whole family is so screwed up that you are a victim of collateral damage... off you go to the head doctor... since YOU are the problem here!"

See?

Quite often, eating disorders are not about how one looks, necessarily, though that gets a lot of play; it's about dying. The child wants to just melt away because life is so painful. Meeting demands and expectations are just too hard. Somewhere inside they realize that they are expected to come up to some standard, to reflect well on the narcissistic family on the outside, while the parents aren't meeting their REAL needs. In other words, it can be a cry for validation and attention.

Eating disorders can also be a manifestation of brain chemistry imbalances. That sort of goes with depression disorders and the strange behavior of the child eating clothing. There is something going on in your family that maybe needs some research.

Yes, moving can be traumatic but if the parents are setting the example and providing the proper support, it doesn't have to be so bad.

 

[Oxajil]

Quite often, eating disorders are not about how one looks, necessarily, though that gets a lot of play; it's about dying. The child wants to just melt away because life is so painful. Meeting demands and expectations are just too hard. Somewhere inside they realize that they are expected to come up to some standard, to reflect well on the narcissistic family on the outside, while the parents aren't meeting their REAL needs. In other words, it can be a cry for validation and attention.

I was thinking the same thing. I think that reading the book "The Narcissistic Family" might help you understand her situation and that of your other children better.

she's not stressed any more (many international friends, happy with her progress in her dance classes, getting 90% plus in all of her classes and generally very content with her life) she still is engaging in these bad eating habits and can't stop.

Getting 90% plus in all of her classes is not necessarily a sign that she's not stressed, it might actually be a way for her to get praise from her parents (especially if they are strict and value results a lot in an unhealthy way), as she might not be getting enough otherwise. I did pretty well at high school, but I was often stressed due to my family situation. At that age, I didn't understand where the stress was coming from, only as I got older and started to dig, did a lot of things make sense. I'm still trying to cope sometimes, as it isn't easy, but as a parent I think you can make a difference, but I agree that you have to take a hard look at family dynamics and your role in it. Often a problem in a child isn't a child's problem, it's a family problem. Hope this helps a bit.

 

[Chu]

I agree with Laura and Oxajil. The fact that it is not only your daughter, but also your two sons having serious problems, is more indicative of something deeper in the family as a whole. Sending them to a therapist at a young age can, in some cases, be a good thing, but in others, it is the parents sending a very bad message IMO: "Go to the doctor, I can't deal with you".

Even if that is not the intention, FWIW, you first post came across to me as you being more afraid of what people would think of you, and how you would be "blamed", and less about a real worry regarding what is going on and your children's feelings. If your children perceive the same, even at a lesser degree, the message you are sending to them is not that THEY are loved and valued, but that what they do or their problems reflect badly on YOU.

I would say, definitely read the Big 5 psychology books, and try to be there for your children. No doctor can give them what a parent can, if you're capable and willing. There is also "Get me out of Here", the path of a young woman with BPD, which is very interesting. You may get some guidance by seeing what the therapist did in her case, and what he said about her parents. No, it's not about eating disorders, but it is about problems with self-esteem, wanting to die, anger issues, and narcissistic families in general.

 

[RGG]

I thought about this a lot last night and there were many questions that came to my mind and you more or less answered some of them in the second post.

If it were my child, I'd be doing a lot of research first and not be too quick to send my child off to a shrink. I would think that this doesn't send a very good message: "oops, sorry that our whole family is so screwed up that you are a victim of collateral damage... off you go to the head doctor... since YOU are the problem here!"

See?

I had been doing research and it was this article that made me think that psychotherapy might do a much better job than me.

http://www.sott.net/article/289253-Is-it-possible-to-rewire-your-brain-to-change-bad-habits-thoughts-feelings

I read this before she told me about her problems actually and I remember thinking how interesting it all was. I also know that It would take years of training for me to understand the subtle connections a person makes that create problematic thinking patterns. When she and I were discussing her problem, her statements alluded to issues of control. Now that i think about her high marks in school (not something me or her father ever push on ANY of our kids by the way- we learned a long time ago that following the society rules of striving for a higher education-we both did, getting a great job- never happened, a good house, a nice car blah blah is a sham. We applaud the effort made and the responsibility taken in anything they do though including school) maybe that's a manifestation of her needing to be perfect in order to fit in. If I had to guess at her motivations, it would be along the lines of "if I control myself by looking and acting perfect, I will fit in." Also, she indicated that she doesn't want her body to change. She hasn't had her period yet and I think she's scared of the changes that will happen to her body too as she matures.
I told her straight out that even though I usually try to sort things out myself, I thought I might be out of my league in helping to get to the bottom of things. She knows I take ALL health very seriously and also knows the reason that i meditate regularly is support my own psychological health.

Strategies that I'm employing now that I hope will help are checking her lunches to make sure they're appropriate (she decided to limit her calories to 700/day during the week I don't know where this whole calorie counting idea got in her head because no one in our family does this and I don't even have a scale) ensuring that she eats a proper snack after school and a healthy supper or she doesn't go to dance. Athletes and dancers need proper nutrition to fuel their bodies and if she doesn't do this, she will harm herself so she doesn't go. Also, I downloaded an MP3 mediation from Brain Sync that has positive messages she can listen to while she falls asleep or when ever she needs.

Other than this, I'm feeling totally out of my league here!!! That's the reason for the post of course and the reason I'm considering psychotherapy. I honestly just don't think I have what it takes to tease this all apart without making it worse and I don't want to mess around.

Yes, moving can be traumatic but if the parents are setting the example and providing the proper support, it doesn't have to be so bad.

We knew moving would be traumatic. We've done it many times and we know it takes at least a year to adjust but your statement is absolutely correct. I believe the problem was that I did not provide proper support at a time when my daughter really needed it and neither did her father because he was busy supporting me and adjusting to a new job. Incidentally, the nervous habit of chewing his shirts by the 5 year old started around the time when we found out our kids were being redistricted to a new school. After they had just spent their first year in canada adjusting to their new school, now they were being forced to move to another and I think the littlest one took his stress and anxiety out on his shirts. His teacher agreed that this was most likely tge. I was irate at this whole moving to another school fiasco and decided that maybe I would just home school the boys but they wanted to learn with their friends. So I just do my best to undo stupid information and keep reality in check.

I was thinking the same thing. I think that reading the book "The Narcissistic Family" might help you understand her situation and that of your other children better.

Not a narcissistic family here. I read the book a few years ago and picked it up again to be sure. That's not it. I am very much about the health and well being of my family and I'm always listening for their perspectives on the choices I make for them or we decide to make together so that everyone understands that we are making the best decisions possible. I think you may have got the impression that I was being a narcissist because I said I was busy focusing on my own problems.

Up until the end of December of last year, I was doing my best to keep on top of everything:

settling into a new house and community
enrolling my kids into the activities they like
taking care of my son who broke his leg during one of these activities at the beginning of the school year :(
using EE to get myself through the newly emerged memories of childhood sexual abuse- see here for background:

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,33313.0.html:

And then a car accident- very minor but it resulted in a neck injury that required physiotherapy. I can't say it was easy but it wasn't enough to keep me from my responsibilities as a mom. Realizing that I was pregnant at the end of December was though. I felt terrible because of morning sickness, I felt anger at the fact that my body was continuing to do something I didn't want it to do, I felt guilty and angry that pregnancy hormones changed my eating habits that I had been vigilant about. I didn't want to be be pregnant and me and my husband were both done with having more children. He hadn't had a vasectomy while were in Singapore since it cost $8000 so we were trying to be careful until we were back in Canada or the US. Well that didn't work out at all!! It was a stupid STUPID mistake. It still makes me mad thinking about it actually. What really did me in was the idea of how I would have to terminate the pregnancy. Having an abortion is difficult for anyone I would think but having to do one after you just recently recovered memories of being sexually abused by a doctor in a hospital- SAME SETTING!- it was too much. I checked out of the forum at this point, managed minimal efforts in my home in the ways of home cooked meals and dissociated with reading romance novels. I hid my pain and depression from everyone in order to keep up the appearance of fine so they wouldn't worry but in reality I spent most of the day either sleeping or escaping into the fantasy worlds of books. After my abortion and the resulting horrifying swing of hormones, I slowly recovered, realized I'd developed an addiction to dissociating with books and began to crawl out of depression largely on my own because by now, my husband had to be the go-to parent of three relocated kids AND go to work full time. Wasn't easy but I did it.

By spring time, I had gained enough strength to begin my vigilant parent duties again and noticed that my daughter was also exhibiting signs of depression. I observed her for a bit and decided that if she didn't snap out of it soon, I would begin to address it. Up here in Edmonton, it is very dark during the winter months and is known to effect mood and cause depression. I figured that this could be the case especially when you've spent your last 5 years of life in full sun on the equator. Sure enough, she snapped out of it a few weeks later when the clocks changed in the spring and I thought that was it. Everything has seemed to improve for her and that's how the eating disorder was missed.

Anyway, I do feel badly that I missed this and I am trying to address it properly now which is why I'm asking for advice. I look forward to all everyone's advisements now that those of you who have kindly posted have more info.

 

[Laura]

If she's 14, she can read. Give her "Good calories, Bad Calories" by Gary Taubes and if necessary, pay her to read it.

 

[RGG]

If she's 14, she can read. Give her "Good calories, Bad Calories" by Gary Taubes and if necessary, pay her to read it.

thanks for that. I will definitely check into it. I forgot to mention that I have an appointment (not with my daughter) with a therapist on friday ( the doctor recommended it )to discuss resources and strategies that me and my husband might want to use so hopefully that will be useful. I'm still worried that what I can do for her won't be enough. Do you still think I should wait on the therapy now that I've explained things a bit more? I'm just nervous about the waiting...

 

[David]

If your daughter is a perfectionist, and/or super competitive, doing what ever it takes to get that ‘A+’ in everything, and if the body is part of an equation, to get an A+... then perhaps this is why, and perhaps since she seems really bright, the book as recommended, might open her eyes to some alternative, that for an intelligent bright girl, that she seems to be, would acknowledge, and change under her own steam. If that’s the case. But I don’t know... she a teenager.

My sister was handed a book, related to psychology, she was younger than fourteen at the time (I was not born at that stage), and she threw it in the fire, by mistake, it was meant to hit the wall apparently... my sister needed engagement, more than a book, or some verbal or written instruction, but you guys talk, though some parents talk at their children, and so no engagement.

And maybe ask your selves, when was the last time you guys had some god old fashioned ‘fun,’ as a family, I do believe it is great therapy for parents and children, the silly stuff that good memories are made of. osit

And also maybe ask your selves, when was the last time, anybody got a hug with the word, ‘love’ mentioned... just saying, parents get very busy looking out for their loved ones, might forget to say it, every now and again, (Just in case) especially for the little ones.

Well 3-brained beings, need love for all centres, intellectual (love knowledge), emotional (knowledge that we are loved and accepted unconditionally), and the mechanical/memory of that love in all its forms, that sets us up for life, when things go a little wrong, there’s that stability at an emotional level. Osit

That might seem a little quirky, and maybe no need to say it, but anyway I meant well... I hope everything works out for you guys, I really do.

 

[Laura]

I forgot to mention that I have an appointment (not with my daughter) with a therapist on friday ( the doctor recommended it )to discuss resources and strategies that me and my husband might want to use so hopefully that will be useful. I'm still worried that what I can do for her won't be enough. Do you still think I should wait on the therapy now that I've explained things a bit more? I'm just nervous about the waiting...

I think you need to see a therapist to solve YOUR issues in a major way.

 

[Oxajil]

I hid my pain and depression from everyone in order to keep up the appearance of fine so they wouldn't worry but in reality I spent most of the day either sleeping or escaping into the fantasy worlds of books.

Children can pick up signals pretty well, either consciously or unconsciously. If their mother suddenly spends most of the day away from them, they'll know something is up. These could have been critical moments in which they needed you. I'm not saying you're a bad person or anything. No one is perfect. But working on yourself, and on your family, and working on improving your children's well-being, all also entail looking at oneself and one's behavior very critically, how it affects the people around you. In order to do so, feedback from others about ourselves is crucial as we often have our blind spots, as explained in the book "Strangers to Ourselves" and in this thread here. So I hope you will take our feedback to heart. :)

After my abortion and the resulting horrifying swing of hormones, I slowly recovered, realized I'd developed an addiction to dissociating with books and began to crawl out of depression largely on my own because by now, my husband had to be the go-to parent of three relocated kids AND go to work full time. Wasn't easy but I did it.

By spring time, I had gained enough strength to begin my vigilant parent duties again and noticed that my daughter was also exhibiting signs of depression.

I think there is a high possibility that your state of being and/or way of behaving in the presence of your children has an effect on your children, and your daughter's current issues may be related to that as well. Take the example above, did you consider the possibility that your daughter's depression at that time could partly be due to your absence (as you explained above: sleeping/dissociating most of the day), i.e. that it was a cry for attention? And/or perhaps that she was influenced by your own depression? As partly explained here:

Not only is a child with a depressed parent two to four times more likely to develop depression himself before adulthood, but extensive research has shown that a mother's depression, especially when untreated, can interfere with her child's social, emotional, and cognitive development.

Notice how you immediately put the source of the problem elsewhere: That it is dark during the months. Surely that could've played a role to some extent, but what about the possible, more likely, sources above?

Perhaps, right now, it would be helpful to find an experienced therapist and to work on healing some wounds from the past. It must've been a terrible thing to go through, and I think it's quite likely you may still be dealing with some of those hurts. If you don't work on your wounds, you can get triggered in ways you're not conscious of, and you and your children could suffer from that as a result.

Hope this helps.

 

[Laura]

I think it might also be useful to take the burden on yourself and tell your daughter that you are very sorry that you were not there for her and that you have issues to fix and you'll be going to a therapist to see if you can't be a better parent. In short, take some of that burden off of her. Acknowledge that most of the problems are your own failings and you want to get better and make it up to her and try to make everything better.