Terror of the situation, Need Feedback pls

[onemen]

Hello,
It's have been a long time since last time I posted here but i have been around I mean it's like I'm addicted to this forum since i discovered this community and it's like my hand/mind move unconsciously and click on cass fofo to check the view the most recent posts and check news and come and go several times everyday, it's like a drug, to tell you how much I value this community.

But aside from that i don't really made any improvement since last time i posted and watching the state of the world and what is happening here and there have created a temporary terror of the situation, like I wake up at 4am and reflect on what is happening and happened in my life and in the world, my grand mother is sick (and has colon cancer) and my situation, I lived 15y in france and right know i'm in madagascar.

The situation of my grand mother and the general situation (my mother telled me they need me because they are not sure about there economic situation and they might become sick too or not work anymore next year do to there money problems and so they said I need to be independent and not a charge anymore and help them) and then I recall the post saying 2015 will be the economic collapse and my friend saying something like meeting a military guy telling him to stick away from cities in 2015 because it'll be hell,

And anyway my parent my come here because my grand mother is dying and they will see I still don't have much result in my life, I didn't work, I'm totally dependant and i had tell them I will get money and be independent and do my own things but that was wishful thinking on my part still even though I learned lot of things, those are just know things but not true knowledge (to paraphrase gurdjieff) since I feel like I'm creepled by the laziness, pathological procrastination, addiction and tendency to fly away of my machine.

But has much as I want to help them, i recall my situation in france with them since I discovered the community, when I tell them about food, health, state of the world, my father is doctor and has had a cardiac surgery and he believe me crazy, and my brother smoking weed every day and any moment and parents telling me I'm wrong and lost and that my god is the internet and that I should stop thinking to much and concentrate on the most important for them : career and get money, and this completely killed me because I felt really alone and I had a secret, i didn't tell them I dropped my studies and I lied because for my father studies is very very Very Important and so I made a fake curriculum and like a fake appearance of looking for work but I didn't even move an inch from that because of the problem of my conditioned machine stated.

So this year, my parent seeing I needed something new, send me in my country of origin and there I am. I think I made some progress here, because people here are more "spiritual" and open to talking spiritual thing, and I got some friends to talk and that was the reason i decided to stay here for some time aside from being away from my family. But right know, recalling how many times I had telled myself "this time I'm gonna do something", and that nothing change because of my conditioned machine, i realize, I can't do things, I am too deeply conditioned to fly away and addicted to move and do something, I need to work on self, but how can I work on self because I need to be independent finance, and this right now is the reason of my panic because I don't want to come back in France because of the general atmosphere in my family (brother smoking everyday and me easily addicted to things) and also in the country and the materialistic state of life and no people to talk about the true and the painfull experience the last 2 years ever since I "awakened" to true reality.

Thinking all those made me think I need true change in my life, and the most big change I want is expressing myself, since kid, I was always shy and introvert or hiding true feeling to not be rejected, being bad or creating bad atmosphere, being the black sheep. I realized thanks to this community that this is all narcissism. Since coming here in Madagascar, i made friend and i realize that what i wanted the most to do is being listened, express things and influence people. I have been looking for stuffs here and there on Cassiopeia and i can confidently say i am a know it all's but master of nothing and i talk about those things with friends but for the most part, I feel like I'm still not doing enough.

I have been listening podcast of wetiko thing and though i didn't understand everything fully, It's stick to my mind, the message when Laura say : this is all projection and dream, you must express creatively to influence your subjective dream/world. It made me reflect of how uncreative and inexpressive I have been because of fear of being true to my own nature self. I recall the time when I still could burst in anger (at my father for the most part) and I think part of my shame from myself come from this because I tended to speak rapidly and then feel bad because I was stuttering? (bégaiement in french) and look like an idiot and right know it's like I integrate a program of shame when I feel anger to something, it's like impossible to express freely, like externally I fell nothing but internally it's like I repress it and then so people don't really know me and how I really feel about things.

I have been called by people : shy, inexpressive , emotionless, dreamer, lazy, schizophrenic (by my father). And I think those might come from my narcissistic family.
I'm also pathologically perfectionist, for example right know it's have been 3h I'm trying to write this and I keeped editing and worrying about the form and appearance and this made me forget lot of things I wanted to say and one of the reason I fear posting.
The reason I fear posting because fear of not being suited here because people will judge me (narcissism?) because I annoy them with my struggle and i don't do good in my homework

So I am asking for feedback here, I think it is better if you ask me question because I am more focused when answerring people.

 

[whitecoast]

Hi oneman, thank you for taking the courage to open up. It's often a monumental task for introverts and people who are innately shy. :)

But has much as I want to help them, i recall my situation in france with them since I discovered the community, when I tell them about food, health, state of the world, my father is doctor and has had a cardiac surgery and he believe me crazy, and my brother smoking weed every day and any moment and parents telling me I'm wrong and lost and that my god is the internet and that I should stop thinking to much and concentrate on the most important for them : career and get money, and this completely killed me because I felt really alone and I had a secret, i didn't tell them I dropped my studies and I lied because for my father studies is very very Very Important and so I made a fake curriculum and like a fake appearance of looking for work but I didn't even move an inch from that because of the problem of my conditioned machine stated.

I personally would not lecture others about how to improve their lives if they do not ask for your advice. It violates their free will. And even though you mention trying to tell others how to get healthier, you don't mention how your own health is. How is your own diet? Do you stay away from foods and drugs that affect your emotions and thinking? Do you practice eiriu eolas regularly, to help you relax and be more present in your body instead of your head? Often when we get our emotional buttons pressed by our parents or by learning the news, we feel like we must scramble to look after hundreds of things, but without the correct diet and breathing and detoxing off drugs, gluten, etc., everything we do is more difficult. I think taking baby steps in this direction is critical for our development.

I don't know the exact details of your family situation, but I personally wouldn't keep the fact that you struggle or have dropped classes secret from your fathers. He will have to find out eventually, and it's better he finds out through you than through some financial or documented inconsistencies.

So this year, my parent seeing I needed something new, send me in my country of origin and there I am. I think I made some progress here, because people here are more "spiritual" and open to talking spiritual thing, and I got some friends to talk and that was the reason i decided to stay here for some time aside from being away from my family. But right know, recalling how many times I had telled myself "this time I'm gonna do something", and that nothing change because of my conditioned machine, i realize, I can't do things, I am too deeply conditioned to fly away and addicted to move and do something, I need to work on self, but how can I work on self because I need to be independent finance, and this right now is the reason of my panic because I don't want to come back in France because of the general atmosphere in my family (brother smoking everyday and me easily addicted to things) and also in the country and the materialistic state of life and no people to talk about the true and the painfull experience the last 2 years ever since I "awakened" to true reality.

I think spending some time away from family was a very good decision. Distance can help us get some perspective on our relationship with others. I can also help us be independent since the traditional habitation and emotional crutches of family life are absent, or at least changed dramatically. The books on Narcissism in the recommended reading section are critical reading, because they help us learn and understand how our family dynamics have altered our capacity to think and feel about certain things (such as making something of oneself, etc.) Trapped in the Mirror and The Narcissistic Family are my favorites, but they all contain wisdom.

Thinking all those made me think I need true change in my life, and the most big change I want is expressing myself, since kid, I was always shy and introvert or hiding true feeling to not be rejected, being bad or creating bad atmosphere, being the black sheep. I realized thanks to this community that this is all narcissism. Since coming here in Madagascar, i made friend and i realize that what i wanted the most to do is being listened, express things and influence people. I have been looking for stuffs here and there on Cassiopeia and i can confidently say i am a know it all's but master of nothing and i talk about those things with friends but for the most part, I feel like I'm still not doing enough.

Self-expression and peer acceptance are all very basic human needs, and are not narcissistic in themselves. It's when that seed is planted in the soil of a narcissistic or narcissistically wounded family that those needs become expressed in unhealthy ways or relationships. Again, I highly recommend reading the narcissism books, if you haven't already. Keeping a journal is a good idea too, and the thread about the bookRedirect, by Timothy Wilson can provide good instruction on how to write in a way that helps reframe our problems and help us see solutions we weren't able to before. The thread on Recapitulation is also a good how-to resource.

And anyway my parent my come here because my grand mother is dying and they will see I still don't have much result in my life, I didn't work, I'm totally dependant and i had tell them I will get money and be independent and do my own things but that was wishful thinking on my part still even though I learned lot of things, those are just know things but not true knowledge (to paraphrase gurdjieff) since I feel like I'm creepled by the laziness, pathological procrastination, addiction and tendency to fly away of my machine.

Do you believe in yourself? The first step is to convince yourself that you are capable of achieving all the aims you set for yourself. If you believe you can't do it, your brain will devote no resources to accomplishing it. The video below has helped me out, and maybe it will do the same for you.

https://youtu.be/1Y5g2Pe08uc?list=PLzBdKbw0RLuT_He9oBxFoLAdHthXc4uLM

 

[paralleloscope]

Hi Onemen, there are many issues you describe here that I can relate having being stuck in myself. The essence of your situation rings to me of being apathetically stuck by the confines of family induced expectations. Not having been allowed your own emotions and in exchange the narcissistic family has gained obedient food supply (you) for it's own vacuum of emotional awareness and responsibility. And we so easily fall for it, as our earliest imprints were entrained to dance their dance if we were to make a living in this world, and in many ways we became them, even though we may have expressed ourselves different than they did. So much dependency installed in children of narcissistic parents, who need mismatch experiences to break the mold.

As for getting back into contact with your emotions; writing a journal before bed will most probably help. I found that working with the body through body therapy, martial arts and manual labour, has been most helpful for getting over lazyness as well as getting in touch with feelings. And as whitecoast mentioned, attention to what you put in your body (diet and breathing) is most vital if you want to start building some discipline to free yourself.

What options do you see or imagine of becoming financially independent in the near future?

This one springs out as relevant : Fear Of The Abyss - Aleta Edwards

 

[axj]

As for getting back into contact with your emotions; writing a journal before bed will most probably help. I found that working with the body through body therapy, martial arts and manual labour, has been most helpful for getting over lazyness as well as getting in touch with feelings. And as whitecoast mentioned, attention to what you put in your body (diet and breathing) is most vital if you want to start building some discipline to free yourself.

Onemen,

I would like to add that listening to music that resonates or moves you, as well as watching a good movie can both help to open to feelings.

The core problem is that pretty much everyone is emotionally wounded. This hurt and trauma tends to come to the surface in certain situations, but we habitually suppress and avoid these uncomfortable emotions. By suppressing the negative emotions we also suppress all other feelings as well, including the positive ones.

When you try to open up to feelings, you will invariably comes across some difficult or even painful emotions that you used to habitually avoid. So some form of therapy or self-therapy is usually necessary - and it is not an easy task. This is also often called 'shadow work' by spiritual growth schools and involves both the healing of the trauma on the emotional level, as well as deprogramming on the mental level.

 

[Michal]

Hi oneman,

I do not know what is the answer on Your problem. Reading Your story just brought some memories from my life.

This story is partly resonating with me, have some similarities but also differences.

Terror of the situation - similarity with my story is that I had bad time in my life when I was teenager:
1. I was lonely and introvert - normal for that age was trying to develop relations with women and have friends. I was afraid of people. I have not felt that I suit in small social groups in my highschool. And even if I did thought that this or that person is like me I felt in the same time that I am not worthy, that they will not accept me and that they already do not accept me.
2.I was looking for spiritual things trying to understand the source of my fears, my withdrawal from life, my constant jazzy-moods. I was trying to fix my life by going deep inside of myself. I was trying to escape experiencing unpleasant situations by reading books: psychology especially.

What I learned is that:
1. I was not lonely. Or different way - some other people around me were as lonely as myself. We were all in same situation - trying to find the way to understand each other and self. I was not exceptional. There are people who have same or much worse problems. But to realize that this lonelines is acceptable to live with I needed to first accept myself. Actually I was introvert only in some situations. With my sister, or my mom, I was not that introvert. I was expressing myself quite well.

2. Spiritual things are good but first I realized I need to take life as it is and do something. I was spending enormous time reading books and thinking, writing diary those days. One day I realized that I need to have an aim. That in order to live I need to have direction towards the best aim I am able to establish now. It was very concrete and maybe easy but I just decided that from now on I need to have good grades in school, pass all final exams well and go study. It was not to make anyone happy. I was affraid that I will die. It was my aim - I have decided to take this direction. This was decision to take best possible option for action. When I say "best" it meant for me best in my situation that time. It was direction to DO something good. Intent was to do good and to live.

Difference with Your story is that I was never pressed by my mother (I was living only with my mother) to become somebody. She was surly expressing her expectations from time to time but I was never pressed to work hard, to learn, to study.

When I started to work on my aim I felt that I have something that is stronger then my fear.
And although I was feeling still crappy and lonely in social interactions I found that working towards my aim started to build feeling of self worth. I can do. So I still had problems and questions and still have them to some extent but making this decision back then I think was very important to start to live in best way I could. Aim. Something concrete You know, not something like " I want to be happy" or "I want to have good relation with my parents" but something like: wash dishes after meal everyday :).

Before I started to go in some direction I was like lost wanderer.
I was facing unknown.
Decision, my own decision, my own will to live and to do some concrete thing brough me into life. Sounds maybe stupid but deciding to learn material from high school well was keeping me alive. It was like doing something trivial in face of the abyss, in face of great danger but it was mine, I decided to do it and I knew that until I want to keep this direction I will be safe. This also brings discipline. Sometimes my emotions may be overwhelming but sticking to daily routines is like a lifebuoy.

You can guess that doing this had not solved all my problems, have not answered on questions of my life, who am I and what is world. But I am alive.

Have You read "Fear of the Abyss"? This perfectionism You mentioned just brought that title in my memory.

 

[Mike]

It's have been a long time since last time I posted here but i have been around I mean it's like I'm addicted to this forum since i discovered this community and it's like my hand/mind move unconsciously and click on cass fofo to check the view the most recent posts and check news and come and go several times everyday, it's like a drug, to tell you how much I value this community.

Hi oneman,
I know what you are talking about above well and what you describe later in your post, which is really about dealing with understanding the terror of the situation the earth and people face, yet the vast majority of people are asleep to, while at the same time being in it and trying to think about what to do.

Have you thought about taking a step back and taking a break from reading all of this information that has you so worked up?

The reason I ask is it might help take some of the pressure off of you and you might be able to focus on and deal with more practical things about your life.

To be able to work on themselves a person needs to be able to handle life in general as Gurdjieff described about first being a good obyvatel, from what I remember the meaning being is that a person first has to handle life before being serious about the work. It is hard to do that when the world is so crazy though, but I think that is where you might need to start.

I search for obyvatel quotes on the internet and this webpage has information that I think is worth reading for you: _http://kesdjan.com/exercises/ec.html

Quote from ISOTM

"Right external considering is very important in the work. It often happens that people who understand very well the necessity of external considering in life do not understand the necessity of external considering in the work; they decide that just because they are in the work they have the right not to consider. Whereas in reality, in the work, that is for a man's own successful work, ten times more external considering is necessary than in life, because only external considering on his part shows his valuation of the work and his understanding of the work; and success in the work is always proportional to the valuation and understanding of it. Remember that work cannot begin and cannot proceed on a level lower than that of the obyvatel,* that is, on a level lower than ordinary life. This is a very important principle which, for some reason or other, is very easily forgotten. But we will speak about this separately afterwards."

This isn’t necessarily advice I’m giving above, but just throwing it out there for discussion. At one time a few years ago I was ‘addicted’ to reading about everything, much the way you describe being with the forum, reading world events, etc. I really didn’t take care of myself properly and work on the underlying issues from my childhood and the short of it is the pressure and stress eventually became too much and my mind literally broke with paranoia, fear and everything else that can come with psychosis. Not saying it is going to happen to you, but seems that you have a lot on your plate to deal with your upbringing and feeling a lot of pressure.

The most valuable thing I did to help sort myself out was to find an open-minded and very competent therapist to work on just being normal again. It is confidential, but I’m careful to try and focus on things such as family and trying to be a good obyvatel and dealing with life.

Are there any options of seeing a qualified therapist where you live? A competent one might be able to help you work on the underlying and important aspects of your life and personality that have helped to keep you stuck.

 

[onemen]

I personally would not lecture others about how to improve their lives if they do not ask for your advice. It violates their free will. And even though you mention trying to tell others how to get healthier, you don't mention how your own health is. How is your own diet? Do you stay away from foods and drugs that affect your emotions and thinking? Do you practice eiriu eolas regularly, to help you relax and be more present in your body instead of your head? Often when we get our emotional buttons pressed by our parents or by learning the news, we feel like we must scramble to look after hundreds of things, but without the correct diet and breathing and detoxing off drugs, gluten, etc., everything we do is more difficult. I think taking baby steps in this direction is critical for our development.

Well I think my health is in good way, I've read the 2 recommended books on keto-adaptation and practicing it, eating 3 times a day (at 12am 4pm 8pm) things like pork with coconut cream and butter with avocado or eggs and fasting, my family do find it curious, because traditionally here in mada, eating meal is eating rice it is staple here and they don't understand it if i don't eat any. Every sunday there is family meal and we share our meal so I bring my food too, I can restrain from eating to much of there food but not eating rice is hard since that's the way they eat. SO I guess i'm not in the best shape but I eat keto 6/7 days.
But when I was in france with my parents, the reason i lecture them about diet was that I was trying to eat keto at this time so I didn't have a choice to tell them because I lived with them. My father is a doctor and he keep telling me about "equilibrated eating" and also he has had a heart surgery and it's like he know what is good eating, and I linked them article on sott and that's when they began to say i was too much influential and that "internet is my god". So at one time, I did give up because, I had other problems to struggle with and my father didn't want to hear anymore about my diet and since I was living with them I had to eat what they eat.

As to the subject of drugs I was with my brother who smoke w**d a lot and I was addicted to it, since he would smoke right next to me and so I was smoking too, this was a hell of a year because it was like techno-spirituality on drugs with all things i was reading on cassiopaea and 4thway stuff but i couldn't do anything since on drugs most of the time, no work on self, no eating good since it appeared i was stuck there with them and finding a job was too daunting because i was creepled by my incompetence and fears of society.

But since I came here in mada I feel kind of refreshed since I made friends and here it is all nature and life style here are more spiritual minded and close to earth, but it seems the system of control is everywhere and when you are disintegrating or deprogramming from society or you end up with people like you or the same probelms, so there is people on drugs here too, I did occasionally snap on drugs but it's nothing like in France with my brother and I could say I'm growing progressively allergic to it, like i don't need it and it's more like distraction but i feel like the voice of the predator is still there and when I meet someone who I know smoke then it began to occupy my mind , so i guess i need to take a big stance over this and also make more effort to allocate time to do EE since I kind of underestimate it.

I don't know the exact details of your family situation, but I personally wouldn't keep the fact that you struggle or have dropped classes secret from your fathers. He will have to find out eventually, and it's better he finds out through you than through some financial or documented inconsistencies.

Yes, I began to consider telling him about that but my father is like my big petty tyrant and he know well how to push my buttons, like when he decide to have big discussion with me, he go along with a long tirade and monologue about me and all my defect and I can't even speak out my mind in the moment because he wouldn't let me speak, so it kind of numb me down every time i speak with him, like I have been traumatized by him and I dissociate and then I would forgot all I wanted to say to him and also since finding a "noble" good career and place in society is so important to him, it don't even spring to his mind about questioning about my goal but he always speak about his goal for me and "the goal" of life and society and stuff, so I'm really powerless when dealing with him and right now i don't think it's a good thing to tell him about that secret because he might take it really badly since he's kind of old and not in a good shape of health so, i don't know.
My mother however is very perceptive and has been questioning me about if i don't hide something about my studies and so i admit it to her and she didn't take it badly and said she won't tell my father because he would get sick if he knew she said, she just encourage me to do what I feel is good for my life and take responsibility for myself, she is more concern about me alone, she keep pushing me about finding a girl and getting married.

Again, I highly recommend reading the narcissism books, if you haven't already. Keeping a journal is a good idea too, and the thread about the bookRedirect, by Timothy Wilson can provide good instruction on how to write in a way that helps re frame our problems and help us see solutions we weren't able to before. The thread on Recapitulation is also a good how-to resource.

As for getting back into contact with your emotions; writing a journal before bed will most probably help. I found that working with the body through body therapy, martial arts and manual labour, has been most helpful for getting over laziness as well as getting in touch with feelings. And as whitecoast mentioned, attention to what you put in your body (diet and breathing) is most vital if you want to start building some discipline to free yourself.

I would like to add that listening to music that resonates or moves you, as well as watching a good movie can both help to open to feelings.

The core problem is that pretty much everyone is emotionally wounded. This hurt and trauma tends to come to the surface in certain situations, but we habitually suppress and avoid these uncomfortable emotions. By suppressing the negative emotions we also suppress all other feelings as well, including the positive ones.

When you try to open up to feelings, you will invariably comes across some difficult or even painful emotions that you used to habitually avoid. So some form of therapy or self-therapy is usually necessary - and it is not an easy task. This is also often called 'shadow work' by spiritual growth schools and involves both the healing of the trauma on the emotional level, as well as deprogramming on the mental level.

Have You read "Fear of the Abyss"? This perfectionism You mentioned just brought that title in my memory.

This one springs out as relevant : Fear Of The Abyss - Aleta Edwards

Have you thought about taking a step back and taking a break from reading all of this information that has you so worked up?

The reason I ask is it might help take some of the pressure off of you and you might be able to focus on and deal with more practical things about your life.

To be able to work on themselves a person needs to be able to handle life in general as Gurdjieff described about first being a good obyvatel, from what I remember the meaning being is that a person first has to handle life before being serious about the work. It is hard to do that when the world is so crazy though, but I think that is where you might need to start.

yes, i was thinking about that yesterday that i need to keep track of my intuition and review my day for progress before i forgot it, i am already familiar with PCS and i have read it but didn't do the writing exercises yet , my perfectionist side wanted to learn more on psychology before proceeding and then i procrastinated these

When i was in France i began historical narrative but i kind of dropped it and forgot about the work when i came here, but the general situation in the world and in my family and the terror of the situation i feeled yesterday prompted me to get back to work on myself since I realized that's the only thing that will help me evolve. I mean i was wishful thinking and slacking a lot being here away from my parents and i was sharing truth and spiritual thing with people here, I realized that telling people about Jesus or religion and true conspiracy and focusing on « translating » the bible won't help me evolve if i don't work to sort my things out off my machine

so yes i though about taking a little step back from reading all those information and focusing on 4th way and « shadow work » and getting a handle on practical life

yesterday i began re-reading stuff about buffers, programs and mind predators yesterday, i already know about trauma since i readed myth of sanity but not over books so i think i will proceed to finish reading the big 5. And also thanks you are right about your advice to write my history since especially i am in the good place to remember my childhood since I lived here in mada the first 11 years of my life

so yeah i think it's time to re-start writing and journaling and focusing on getting a handle on concrete life, especially since my family here think I'm in a bad place and lost and one of my aunt even said that I'm like the definition of an « ante-christ » since here they are all Christians so i though the best way to help them is apply my knowledge to show them like being the change or being the true i want to see in the world and show them what it's all about.

At one time a few years ago I was addicted to reading about everything, much the way you describe being with the forum, reading world events, etc. I really didn't take care of myself properly and work on the underlying issues from my childhood and the short of it is the pressure and stress eventually became too much and my mind literally broke with paranoia, fear and everything else that can come with psychosis.

Yes !! totally, that's totally my experience, that's what happened to me and adding drugs and pressures for family and living in the ghetto in Paris to the mix is what maked it hell for me... t

Do you believe in yourself? The first step is to convince yourself that you are capable of achieving all the aims you set for yourself. If you believe you can't do it, your brain will devote no resources to accomplishing it.

I might practice this more, since last time i talked to my father, i prepared the confrontation and even though it end up like what i said above, i have successfully pass some important point to him, so yeah I'll work on myself to devote on achieving aims.

Terror of the situation - similarity with my story is that I had bad time in my life when I was teenager:
1. I was lonely and introvert - normal for that age was trying to develop relations with women and have friends. I was afraid of people. I have not felt that I suit in small social groups in my highschool. And even if I did thought that this or that person is like me I felt in the same time that I am not worthy, that they will not accept me and that they already do not accept me.
2.I was looking for spiritual things trying to understand the source of my fears, my withdrawal from life, my constant jazzy-moods. I was trying to fix my life by going deep inside of myself. I was trying to escape experiencing unpleasant situations by reading books: psychology especially.

What I learned is that:
1. I was not lonely. Or different way - some other people around me were as lonely as myself. We were all in same situation - trying to find the way to understand each other and self. I was not exceptional. There are people who have same or much worse problems. But to realize that this lonelines is acceptable to live with I needed to first accept myself. Actually I was introvert only in some situations. With my sister, or my mom, I was not that introvert. I was expressing myself quite well.

2. Spiritual things are good but first I realized I need to take life as it is and do something. I was spending enormous time reading books and thinking, writing diary those days. One day I realized that I need to have an aim. That in order to live I need to have direction towards the best aim I am able to establish now. It was very concrete and maybe easy but I just decided that from now on I need to have good grades in school, pass all final exams well and go study. It was not to make anyone happy. I was afraid that I will die. It was my aim - I have decided to take this direction. This was decision to take best possible option for action. When I say "best" it meant for me best in my situation that time. It was direction to DO something good. Intent was to do good and to live.

Difference with Your story is that I was never pressed by my mother (I was living only with my mother) to become somebody. She was surly expressing her expectations from time to time but I was never pressed to work hard, to learn, to study.

When I started to work on my aim I felt that I have something that is stronger then my fear.
And although I was feeling still crappy and lonely in social interactions I found that working towards my aim started to build feeling of self worth. I can do. So I still had problems and questions and still have them to some extent but making this decision back then I think was very important to start to live in best way I could. Aim. Something concrete You know, not something like " I want to be happy" or "I want to have good relation with my parents" but something like: wash dishes after meal everyday :).

Before I started to go in some direction I was like lost wanderer.
I was facing unknown.
Decision, my own decision, my own will to live and to do some concrete thing brough me into life. Sounds maybe stupid but deciding to learn material from high school well was keeping me alive. It was like doing something trivial in face of the abyss, in face of great danger but it was mine, I decided to do it and I knew that until I want to keep this direction I will be safe. This also brings discipline. Sometimes my emotions may be overwhelming but sticking to daily routines is like a lifebuoy.

Thank you for your testimony, it totally resonate from my experience, me too, i was never really pressed by my mother too, i would be myself with my mother but it's with father that is difficult and like you i would read books on self-work and spiritual thing like « how to change your life in 7 days » and stuffs like that, i was alone in school too but eventually i accept it and it's like right now i enjoy more being alone than being with people, but sometimes i do need to talk to people and share stuff, I guess here in cassiopaea we really share some common experience.
So i need to work on my aim and discipline and commit to it.

What options do you see or imagine of becoming financially independent in the near future?

that is what i fear getting back there, i mean money is what really bug me, i have debts to pay every month like 200Euros and here in mada even it will be hard because pay here is like 150Euro per month, it won't be enough since all money will get to that debt, if you won't to do big money here, you have to make your business, right now it's still OK because i live with social aid and here in mada it's confortable with the « rate of change » but it will be finish maybe in 1 or 2 months, so i feel i need to do big thing right know to get money… but i really don't know how i will do it,

i have though about getting a web page about truth since i can do web design and i like multimedia stuffs and make it awesome enough to get donation or money from it… but i don't know if it's realistic…
I also though about getting a job here, but i feel i would be bored out after a while
and i also though about creating a business like getting in the littoral, buying coconut and processing them to sell for profit since all coconut cream or oil here are imported from thailand even though they have lot of coconut and what they do processed are for skins or hairs not for eating so i though about that but i don't know if it's realistic too
Sometimes ago, a friend of mine tell me that i tell good advice and that i should tell the truth on radio or make conference or teach people or do spiritual leadership so i though about that, that maybe i would do good teaching since, i am really of a talking and teaching nature, but the money is still a problem i think with that..
So right know i have envision to work on a truth website, since that was a project i had for a long time, and after finish that i would be away for computer since I'm kind of addict to it and interact with people and open a business or get a job… that is my plan for now… if nothing happened till them

i feel the best way would be to come back in france and getting social aid again but I'm scared to being creepled again by family pressure and plus i did maked friend here and progress in social interaction so i don't want to leave them, plus here it's like a mystical island, people here are really special like in france it's materialist and intellectual life style, here people are poor and are ignorant but they have big heart and spiritual riches



So, thanks you people for your input, i must admit that yesteray i was scared that my post would come like bizarre and not appropriated or with no response, but reading your inputs have reassured me that i could share freely here, i have a lot to read and work, so i'll give feedback of my advancement. Cheers !